NO! NO! TOO SEXY! TOO SEXY! Don’t tell me Santa Claus, Indiana don’t know style, or else I won’t know what to think of fashion template Jay Danforth Cutlerfu*ker posing soigne-ally for Michigan Avenue Magazine. That’s the look that gets all the teammates to share their wives with you. At the very least, it makes up for having a non-symmetrical face, which Cutler does only because he cries out of one eye. Naturally, thoughts of Cutler turn the mind to sex, so send your sexbag questions to us, unless your genitals have instantly shriveled to nothing after you’ve been consumed with the anxiety that sets in when you realize you must compete for the ladies with this.
While I’m in a reminderin’ mood – Here’s another mention that I’m doing a reading tomorrow evening at Varsity Letters in Brooklyn. Meandering speeches, monotone delivery – my reading’s gonna have it all!
Tags: book whoring, cutlerfucker, Mailbag Reminders, O AN HE SULKING, sexbag, xmas ape
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Nice cardigan, douchely.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I just played 9 holes of golf and then drank a beer. My head is a bit fuzzy already, but that paragraph made me nauseous and crap my pants. I can’t follow the words.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:20 pm
@ Jeth – it was like deja vu or something.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
worst. paragraph. ever
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Why those pants look faded already! How do they do that?
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Ape’s non-semetrical genitals have “shrived” to nothing. Ape’s non-symetrical genitals have “shrived” to nothing.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
shrived = shriveled in today’s new peyote-inspired language?
shrive /ʃraɪv/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [shrahyv] Show IPA verb, shrove or shrived, shriv⋅en or shrived, shriv⋅ing.
–verb (used with object) 1. to impose penance on (a sinner).
2. to grant absolution to (a penitent).
3. to hear the confession of (a person).
–verb (used without object) Archaic. 4. to hear confessions.
5. to go to or make confession; confess one’s sins, as to a priest.
I will assume our genitals have not been listening to confession
/ back to today’s regularly scheduled dick jokes
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
/throws an English textbook at Ape’s face
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
SugarCannon?
//Rexfrence
//Insulinuation
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Ape!! Are you on the drugs again?!?!?!?!?
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I had to look up both “soigne” and “shrive”. So, tonight I’m going to look soigne when my penitent girlfriend confesses her sins to my genitals. I’m not sure how many Our Fathers and Hail Marys she’ll have to say to my junk yet.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
The Sugar Cannon
/Rexfrence
//Insulinuation
///Didn’t know BigBen was editing KSK.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
The typo police are hiring, apparently
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Citizens on Patrol.
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Wordpress doubled the text at the end for some reason. Trying to fix
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Somebody give Drew the name of that photographer. If he can give Jay Cutlerfucker a jaw line like that, Drew will look like a Princeton man!
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:11 pm
That picture makes Cutler look like the preppy bad guy in every ’80s teen movie. That or one of the aliens in “V”.
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:13 pm
look at this fucking hipster
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
‘Cutler is laser-focused on his goal’
I see what they did there…
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
@ GT. Great call. I fully expect him to start insulting Molly Ringwald or picking on Eric Stolz . After all this is Chicago. John Hughes would approve.
BTW, there is no way this is the same guy….trick overhead lighting & an airbrush can do amazing things
http://photos.upi.com/yview/c4bcff227f4e5c27aade22c80f1536b9/Chicago-Bears-introduce-new-quaterback-Jay-Cutler-in-Lake-Forest-Illinois.jpg
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
He is still showing too much denture in the last pics.
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:11 pm
As long as he beats GB twice a year….douche it up
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
If only John Hughes were alive. He could make a Chicago-based teen movie with James Spader as Jay Cutler.
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
The Pumpkin Pie haircut is gone? You don’t say!
I don’t know much about fashion (though I am wearing the exclusive KSK “eli” shirt as I type) but the second picture down, where he’s wearing the orange jacket…who the fuck approved that? It’s like “Gorton’s fisherman meets Monte Hall.”
September 2nd, 2009 at 7:04 pm
WHERE IS HIS UPPER LIP?!
(In the article he said he last had a girlfriend in college. By “college” I think he means “Big Chicks”.)
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:05 pm
I believe what this picture shows us, is that Chicago must have some sort of QB “Sexifying” machine. We saw the Sexcannon go to work, and the ever fabulous Neckbeard.
And now, Cutlerfucker looks like a damn god in Chicago.
Perhaps its reverse engineered Super AIDS.
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Anyone else picking up a Rick Astley vibe off of that pic? Are we being CutleRolled?
September 2nd, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Jebus effin Christmas…have hany of you guys clicked on that Michigan Ave. Magazine link? You see the prices for some of those fucking clothes? OK, I get it you make a shit-ton of money, but an overcoat for $4,195? FUCK AND NO.
/urge to kill rising