In what may be the most hilarious serious question of the young season, a headline in today’s Chicago Tribune asked, Is Jay Cutler the second coming of Tom Brady? Please enjoy:

The surprising thing has been Cutler’s ability to make the delicate pass. No one told us a cannon could dispense velvet projectiles. He has been so precise at times you get the feeling he could throw a football through a moving mail slot.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present… THE VELVET CANNON.

What a revelation! A quarterback who embarrassed himself with four interceptions in the team’s opener has capably executed a conservative game plan in two consecutive games to barely register victories. HE IS PRACTICALLY THE SAME PERSON AS TOM BRADY — if only Tom Brady were an artillery piece that fired rounds covered in the fur of golden retriever puppies, that is.

This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls.

 
You may have heard by now that ESPN intends to set a “world record” for the most mentions of Brett Favre’s name during a televisions program. This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls. This attempt will take place during ESPN2’s SportsNation program Monday at 5pm. This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls. Supposedly, representatives from The Guinness Book of World Records will be on hand to certify the attempt. This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls.

It’s bad enough that ESPN shoves all things Favre down its viewers’ throats, but they’ve confirmed that this phenomenon is no mere oversight or misreading of the audience’s desires. This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls. Worse still, this attempt at a “record” shows ESPN is gleefully wallowing in their excess with no regard to objective analysis of what should be a big game—a game which could stand on its own merits without this self-aggrandizing tomfoolery. This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls. Shame on you ESPN. This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls.

The only silver lining is that ESPN has given me an idea. I’ve decided to try to set a record of my own. I’m setting the world record for saying “This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls” the most times in a blog post.

It’s the second worst idea I’ve ever heard and I probably should be kicked squarely in the balls.

[ USA Today via Tunison and AA ]

(Chiefs practice bubble)

Matt Cassel: Oh man oh man. 0-3. Oof. I never thought we’d go 0-3.

Larry Johnson: No kidding. This isn’t gonna be a fun week, man.

(takes two steps, falls down)

Matt Cassel: Time for me to step up and lead this team, LJ. A lot of people thought the Pats were done last year when I came in to play. But I hung in there, got better, and we managed to win. If I could change minds then, I can change minds now.

Larry Johnson: Yeah man, but that was when you had Belichick coaching you. Coach Haley ain’t no coach Belichick.

Matt Cassel: He thinks he is, though.

Larry Johnson: Oh, crap. He’s comin’.

(Camaro door flies open)

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BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR MUST PREPARE

PLAY HOSTMAN TO WEEKNIGHT WRESTLEFEST RAW IS WARZONE

SPEND ALL DAY AND NIGHT PERFECTING DEVASTING PUMP FAKE OF DEATH

Mike Tomlin: I think that’s “a bad idea”, Ben

Ben Mysterio Jr.: MAYBE IF YOU IS SUPERSTAR QUARTERBACK GUY, THE BEN! BUT I AM SUPERSTAR WRESTLE-GRAPPLER GUY, BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR.

BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR DOES NOT KNOW OF FEAR OR BAD IDEAS OR HOT READS WHEN THE BLITZ IS COMING

Mike Tomlin: Everyone knows that “is an assumed identity” and that “you are really Ben Roethlisberger”

Ben Mysterio Jr.: [Slightly lower voice] NOT SO LOUD! YOU IS BLOWING THE BEN’S COVER, COACH.

Mike Tomlin: Remember, we have “lost our last two games” and face “a difficult opponent on Sunday.” Losing this game could “endanger our season.”

Furthermore, the “last thing” we need is “another pointless distraction”.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: DANGER? WHAT IS DANGER OF WHICH YOU IS TALKING?

THERE IS NO DANGER WHEN BEN IS ACCOMPANIED BY TAG TEAM BUDDY MAN, LIMAS GREED!

HE IS FORMER BAD GUY, ONCE ONLY INTERESTED IN MONEY, BUT BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR TALK TO HIM AND CONVINCE HIM TO TURN FACE

TOGETHER WE IS THE PEW CREW!

YOU TELL HIM, LIMAS GREED!

Limas Greed: [Drops microphone, fakes injury]

HE NOT GOOD ON THE MIC, BUT VERY PROFICIENT TECHNICAL WRASSLER

TOGETHER, WE HAVE AWESOME FINISHER. I PUMP FAKE 18 TIMES, THROW WRASSLER AT HIM, HE MISSES WRASSLER AND WRASSLER CRASHES INTO EXPOSED CONCRETE FLOOR

THEN A QUICK COVER 1,2…

[Processes]

[Processes]

[Processes]

NUMBER AFTER 2! BELL RING! THE PEW CREW WIN AGAIN! TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOOORRRRRLLLLLLDDDD!

Mike Tomlin: Don’t think I won’t replace your goofy white ass with “Dennis Dixon”

As Otto Man noted in the comments earlier, Julius Peppers’s freakishly huge grin is reminiscent of Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” video. Oh ho ho, but there’s something creepier than the “Black Hole Sun” video…

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And that’s too bad, because it would have been tremendous to watch Jerry see the first two games in his Colossatorium blow up in his leathery face. Not that Romo didn’t give the Panthers a host of chances at interceptions with a raft of ill-advised throws. So we were limited to one agonized Wade Phillips hunch down of defeat.

Remember, it is only still late September. There is plenty of tantalizing Cowboys failure to come. There’s not going to be a Delhomme to deposit the ball in Terrance Newman’s chest at critical moments every week.

As for Carolina, Tar Heels season isn’t that far in the offing.

[Thanks again to reader Rafael for the .giffage]

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Fantasy owners in possession of Felix Jones or either starting defense have to be licking their chomps and lubricating their fists at the prospect of the forthcoming points SPLOSION. And that must be the way because I will not stand for this game being anything but an overblown comedy of errors, where turnovers abound, Marty B is mic’d up and irate people in the overbooked Party Pass sections in the new Cowboys stadium turn to mob violence to exact revenge on the muckety-mucks who heap disdain upon them from their fancy “seats” with “views of the field”. But these raging Dallas untouchables don’t count on the cage dancers being heavily armed and trained by Mossad. Just when it can’t get more bizarre, out come the C.H.U.D.s.

Last night, for reasons I can’t quite explain, I felt compelled to visit the Detroit Free Press online to see what the local reaction was to the Lions first victory since 2007. As you might expect, it was mostly effusive stuff. Bundled with the reaction to that joyous moment, however, was the usual morally upright scolding from pompous schlock merchant Mitch Albom, who had Something To Say about the horrible, no-good video that circulated the Intarwebs (but not here – WTF?) last week of the female Lions fan getting arrested for making a scene at the game against the Vikes. I could not help myself. I was compelled to give it the PK treatment.

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When we last left North American Man-Boy-Coffee Lover Peter King, he was putting chips (mmmm… kettle chips) on people’s shoulders, praising the clutch harpiness of Kathy Holmgren, and marveling at all the young people who play professional football.

What’s in store for us this week? Is Drew Brees still underappreciated even though he clearly isn’t? Is Austin Collie Anthony Gonzalez Jr.? Will there be lists? And how does Derek Jeter factor into all of this? Join me (along with Christmas Ape, in a surprise appearance as Mr. Marmalard) below, for the answers you seek!

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