jesus_fantasy_football

Training camps have been open for a few days now, and we haven’t broken out the proverbial bubbly to celebrate. So allow me…

WOOOOOOO!!! FUCK AND YES! TRAINING CAMPS ARE OPEN! TIME FOR ME TO JIZZ ON YOUR SISTER, FUCKFACES!!! YEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!! SHIT YEAH!

In many ways, the buildup to the start of the season can be more enjoyable than the season itself. It’s fun to read all the annuals and make a fantasy draft board and all that shit. But settling in and watching the Browns? Yeah, that’s pretty brutal. So, as always, we implore you make the most of this beautifully naïve time period, where everything is made of sunshine and Megan Fox’s assorted bodily fluids.

That’s right. Time to name your fantasy team.

We do this every year. And this year, I suggest you spend far more time than is necessary deliberating over which name to choose for your squad. Why not? What else do you have to do? What’s that? Go to meth rehab? Pfft. That shit can wait. Like last time, we break it down by category for you. Here are some suggestions. Consider this a brainstorming session, to get your creative juices, and whatever other juices you may have, flowing freely.

Pop Culture:
-That’s Therapists, not The Rapists
-Rape Apes
-Rapier Apes
-Play Them Off, Keyboard Ape
-Cumsteins
-Joe the Cummer
-Cumdog Millionaires
-Giant Blue Dongs
-Poopenschaftes
-The Czars
-Nick and Norah’s Infinite Awkward Handjob
-Inglourious Qwortterbax
-The Taking Of Hymen 123
-Douchebag Vampires
-Ape Tits
-Yo Gabba Shut The Fuck Up
-Where The Tank Johnsons Are
-Giada’s Sweater Labradoodles

News:
-Bristol Palin’s Snappin’ Pussy
-Michelle Obama’s Celebration Weed
-If This Team Loses Me Money, I Deserve A Fucking Bailout
-Arturo Gatti’s Deadly Purse Strap
-David Carradine’s Hanging Bag
-Farrah’s Ass Balloon
-Sonia Sotomayor’s Overcrowded El Camino
-AJ Daulerio Raped My Face
-Trig Palin’s Baby Helmet
-Mark Sanford’s Pussy Tango
-Billy Mays Mighty End-It
-The Emperor’s Club
-John Edwards’ Cancer-Free Mistresses

Football/KSK:
-Erin Andrews’ Hotel Concierge
-Andrea McNulty’s TV Repair
-T-Sizzle’s Sweet Assssssssssss Wager
-Steve McNair’s Bloody Chest Fountain
-Big Ben’s Ouchy Penis Spot
-Hines Wald Supell Fun Footbarr Supplies!
-Steve McNair’s Real Killers As Suspected By Mike Florio
-Cutlerfuckers
-Dan Snyder’s Cash4Clunkers
-CHUH CHUH
-Pacman Jones’ Puzzy Chomperz
-Hattiesburg Deliberators
-A Magical Torry Holt’s Paw
-Ronnie Brown Noise
-Rapist by Committee
-Josh McD’s SuperAIDS!
-MayonAIDS
-Steve Smith’s Baby Punching Express
-Dirty Mark Sanchezes
-FUCK YOU IN THE HAT
-Car Boats
-Gay Zorros
-FACKIN’ BEST TEAM EVAH!!!!
-Choco Fish Taco
-What What In Jeff Garcia’s Butt
-Big Ben’s Southern Trespass
-Charlie Weiss Latinas
-Cutler’s Sulkface Chicken Wing
-THE FLUFFAH NUTTAH SANDWICHES
-Florio and McIntyre, Private Dicks for Hire
-FAG ON THE PLAY!
-This Team Showed Remorse
-Don’t Hassel The Beck
-Plaxico Burress’ Bulletproof Spanx
-Mistah Far Holes
-Godbortions
-Shitstached Douchejars
-Gisele to Poundtown
-What? Huh? What? My Team Wins!
-Sahel Kazemi’s Sucking Satan’s Dick in Hell

Peter King:
-Land Barons
-Blackberry Banditos
-Peter’s Double Finger Blast
-Jim Johnson Didn’t Respect The Sun
-Quasi-LeBrons
-Coffee-Flavored Watermen
-Clutch Definers
-Concrete Cyanide
-Elite Flyers
-First Grade in Asskickery 101
-Lofty team. True team.
-True Balls
-Swolon Colons
-Anal Traits
-Spicy Shrimps
-Rich Fitters
-Bringers of Light

Dirty:
-Acockalypse Now
-Cocksockets
-Armpit Rape
-Assmaggots
-Fab Foreskins
-Bong Dicks
-Pussyslappers
-Rape Canaveral
-Rape Cod
-Office Rape-lers
-Scotch Rape
-Cockswabbers
-Ballticklers
-Your Wreath, Roz

Michael Jackson:
-Jacko Estate Boy Patrol
-Neverland Raunch
-Michael Jackson’s Plastic Corpse
-Pretty Dead Things
-Smooth Pederasts

Yours in the comments. Drink up, gang. Fantasy football is coming back.