Write This Down: ‘Piss Off.’ Your KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag (Update)
I really enjoy writing the mailbag. I try to give thoughtful answers to what I assume are people’s honest questions about their love lives, and I enjoy the additional mental exercise of thinking about different fantasy football scenarios, as it forces me to round out my knowledge and look into players and possibilities I wouldn’t otherwise consider.
But not today. Today, I hate you. Why? Because the Internet is a cruel place, mister, and it’s better you learn that now and not later. So if your question got ignored or answered in an apathetic fashion, it’s not your fault. It’s because the world is capricious. Also, you will all die alone.
Now, then. On to the questions!
Viziers of Vag
I’m in a new workplace fantasy league this year. Low buy-in, so I signed on the dotted line before asking for details,
That was stupid.
only to find out it’s a goddamn auto draft league and everyone else in it is functionally retarded when it comes to fantasy besides 2 other owners in the 10 team league. Too late to back out now, but I need some pointers on this “auto draft” monstrosity I now have to deal with. Do I set my player rankings and draft rounds out by position or do I rank the top 200 and draft best available with limits on how many in each position are drafted? In my mind, the former nearly guarantees a functional fantasy team, while the latter gives the opportunity to take advantage of the noobs along with the real chance I could get screwed in the end.
Depends. Can you set up those position limits by round? Because if so, the latter is the way to go. That way, you can cap your team at, say, five or six running backs while making sure that you don’t have more than two through four rounds.
Only god knows what these inexperienced owners will draft when and what they will be willing to trade. I live in WI so knock down any general football knowledge expectations of the other owners down at least 2 pegs and ratchet up Packers homerism by a factor of 10.
Use their weaknesses to your advantage. Since it’s an autodraft, some of those homers are bound to end up with Bears and Vikings they won’t want on their team. Seems like an excellent chance to land yourself Purple Jesus, Matt Forte, Jay Cutler, Chester Taylor, or Percy Harvin for cheaper than your average league.
I have a three year old daughter and another daughter due in December. I plan on getting them both vaccinated against Human Papilloma Virus, a STD that causes cervical cancer, and started on birth control as soon as the time comes. (Something like the Depo Shot or something else that is long term, whatever they have by then, last thing I trust a teenager to do is remember to take a pill at the same time every day.) Some unmarried childless friends say that I am setting up my girls to work the corner in the future.
The fuck do unmarried childless friends know about raising a child?
I think I am just being prudent and realistic in my expectations. I don’t think these 2 issues will ultimately determine my girls’ sexual identity one way or another, only serving to protect them, to a small degree, from poor choices. What would you do with your own daughter(s)?
-Bear in Cheeseland
I think prudence and realism are pretty good qualities to have as a parent. And as a father, you officially have free license to choke out anyone who insinuates your daughter will become a prostitute.
Masters of the Muff (god I felt ridiculous typing that),
You should. We prefer “Lords of Blogtown.”
Is it wrong to use your nephew to get laid?
Nope. Oh wait. Your question is a lot longer than that, isn’t it?
I work Sun-Thu and babysit my nephew every Friday to help out my sister and bro-in law. He is in Kuwait with the Navy and she works full time so a day without a 2 year old is good for her.
A day without a two-year-old is good for anyone.
I started this when he got recalled to the Navy in May.
Essential information. Thank you.
My nephew has since helped parlay me some ass twice. The first time I took him and my dog to the dog park
Awww, that’s great. Kids deserve some time off-leash every now and then.
and he started playing with a woman’s dog and she eventually chatted me up. Found out I was babysitting my nephew and the next time I ran into her at the dog park we ended up back at my place.
You know what’s an awesome movie? District 9.
The second time was last Friday. I took him bowling and there was group of nurses bowling next to us.
Will Leitch didn’t really like it. He said the final 45 minutes were a “tiresome, hackneyed checklist of action movie tropes.” Tropes like alien electricity guns blowing people up and a pig being used as a weapon and a guy in a mech suit catching an RPG and NONSTOP OWNAGE.
I explain I was babysitting to help up my fam and they melted for it. Went out with one on Saturday and closed the deal.
I mean, sweet fucking Christ, I dig the parables of xenophobia and apartheid, but how is the movie supposed to end? Should the U.N. pass a resolution or something? No thank you. After all that careful thinking and plot development, let’s get some fuckin’ explosions up in this piece already.
Is it wrong to use my nephew and my good deed to get laid? I’m really just doing it because my brother-in-law asked me too.
And why am I reading Leitch’s movie reviews anyway? His favorite director is a pedophile who made two good movies three decades ago. It’s like, hey buddy, get back to interviewing athletes with a dick in your face.
In his words “Can you hang with him so he doesn’t turn out Air Force.” I don’t even know what that means. I just teach him how to throw and make him watch PTI.
Oh, you’re done? All right then: No, there is nothing wrong with getting laid for an altruistic deed. But I think it’s important to do it because you want to help out your sister, not because he’s a golden ticket to Poonsville. Believe me, any good or noble deed you do with the intent of appealing to women — say, joining the Marine Corps, or volunteering at a kids’ writing center, or walking your friendly dog around the street — will karmically backfire and you’ll get stationed in the Mojave Desert or end up strangling some annoying brat or your dog will eagerly greet every panhandler on the street. Not that I know from experience or anything.
2.My dumb ass college buddies play with a defensive player. We have had one for 4 years now. How do I convince them this is stupid and which defensive player is the best?
Thanks guys,
JaS
I wouldn’t know who the best fantasy defensive player is best because I don’t play in any gay leagues.
Dear KSK,
Football first. I have the third pick of the first round in my fantasy league at work. The Bears homer in me wants to pick Forte, but there’s a good chance that MJD or Turner will be available. The first pick is looking like it will be Peterson and the guy with the second pick has been saying he’s taking Fitty. If MJD or Turner are still there, should I take one of them,
Yes.
or should I follow my heart and pick Forte?
No. Forte will likely have an excellent year, but take a step back and consider how this will affect your Bears fandom. There are going to be weeks where Forte underperforms, and you’ll have double the anguish because you’re pissed that Forte cost both the Bears and your a fantasy team a win. Or even if the Bears win, do you really want to be pissed at your star running back because he “only” had 75 yards on the ground and three receptions?
Now for the sex/lady part of the submittal. I know this has probably been covered in the past, but I am too lazy to go back through the past mailbags. My wife is currently in school and therefore she spends a lot of time sitting on the couch reading/studying and she has steadily gained weight over the last year or so.
And you, of course, are in spectacular shape?
I feel a bit hypocritical because I’m not as sleek as I was in college,
No!
but I still try to walk every day and play ball (soft and basket) once a week at least.
You… you… walk? ALMOST every day??? And softball! What an intense cardio program! How has your fitness regimen NOT inspired your wife to greater heights of physical fitness?
We bought an elliptical, but it has been collecting dust ever since I put it together. I feel overall that I fix pretty healthy meals, but that is only half of the equation. What is the best approach to get the wife looking like the slimmer woman she was when we started dating a couple years back?
-Bears Homer in Bton
Honestly, sometimes it feels like nobody has ever read a single edition of the mailbag. So let’s ride this merry-go-round once again: marriage is a partnership, you need open communication, be prepared to compromise, et cetera.
If that’s not sparking memories of previous columns, I suggest you approach your wife with your concerns about the declining physique of both people in the partnership. Repeat after me: “I just don’t like the weight that *I’ve* put on, and I think it would help my motivation if *we* worked out together.” Being the kind of person who let herself go in the first place, she’s going to try to feed you some horseshit about how she just doesn’t have the time because she has to study, and that’s why you need to be ready to sell her on how just a little bit of exercise every week is going to give her loads more energy. Then tell her, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! YOU’RE FAT! READ BETWEEN THE LINES!”
My recommendation: sign up both of your sorry asses for the nearest CrossFit gym. The workouts are intense but scalable, so miserable weak roundbodies can still do the same workout as the ripped fitness freaks. Go to two workouts a week for two months, and you and your wife will both find the other more attractive.
Dear Sirs,
I’ve never had any problems pleasuring the ladies but I sometimes have trouble getting my own rocks off in a timely manner. Is this the girl’s fault, the result of over a decade of chronic masturbation or am I just a gay who apparently doesn’t like chicks?
Masturbation is supposed to be less gratifying than sex, and being overeager in the onanism department can hinder your enjoyment of the real deal. Try cutting back on jerking it just a little, and when you do whack it, loosen your grip and take your time. If your hand is tighter than a vagina, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
In a league where qb’s get 6 pts for td’s, how soon is too soon to draft a qb or is that just something I’ll have to feel out on draft day?
Humbly,
-Z
Drew: One of my leagues has that scoring system too. I draft at slot 9. If Brees or Brady are there, I’m taking them.
Dear Gang of Sex,
Hey guys, football first. I’m in a 10-team league where each team has 2 QBs start and passing touchdowns are worth six points (thankfully I’m also in a regular league). Normally I subscribe to the best player available strategy, but I’m leaning toward making myself draft 2 QBs in my first 4 picks. Your thoughts?
That sounds sensible. By the way, a LOT of people wrote in about being in leagues with two quarterbacks and leagues where QBs get six points for each touchdown. Y’all need to drive a sharpened toothbrush into your commissioners’ respective kidneys.
As for sex, I hooked up with the ex of another guy in my league. They had gone out for six months (she dumped him, for what it’s worth), four years before I slept with her. I was really drunk, and only found out they had dated the next day. The guy in my league says it’s not an issue, but he’s the reticent type who wouldn’t make a big deal out of this even if it were important. So, am I going to be on the receiving end of a karmic fantasy bitchslap?
Thanks,
Bobby W.
Really? They broke up four years ago and you didn’t even know? Sleep easy, Bob.
Dear Most Distinguished Twatwaffles,
Are blowjobs all that? My girlfriend has life-long jaw problems and is on the PUP list when it comes to this subject. Granted, she is the first gal that has been interested in checking out my bait and tackle, but I want to know if I should make like Crabtree and hold out for someone who could give me something more than lip service.
UPDATE: Sorry, this went unanswered in the first draft. It comes down to personal preference. As much as I enjoy a good blowjob, I prefer having sex. I think of oral sex as an especially pleasurable form of foreplay. Other people just want to sit back and do nothing while they get sucked off. There’s nothing wrong with either viewpoint, as long as you’re satisfied with the sex that you have.
With the fantasy draft coming up, I’ve traded up to have the 10th and 11th picks in a twelve team re-drafting PPR league. Is it too crazy to go WR/WR with those picks, as I won’t see another pick until the late 3rd round (The league starts 1QB, 2RB, 2WR, and 1 RB/WR flex)?
-No BJs for the Bears fan
When you first posed the question, I was certain you were insane. But as I mulled it over a bit more, the notion of having Andre Johnson and Larry Fitz as your starting WRs in a PPR league sounds pretty enticing, especially if you don’t feel confident in the RBs at the end of the first round. It might just be crazy enough to work.
hey guys,
so my friend is dating a guy who she likes (i think hes kind of a Lazy Lenwhale, but that’s my opinion and i keep it to myself), but her brother fucking hates the kid, telling me and her to her face repeatedly that “she can do better” and “he has no personality.” to which i just shut up and looked amazed that someone could cram both their feet in their mouth at once.
Pfft. There’s nothing wrong at all with being honest when someone you care about is dating a tool. Especially if that person is your sister.
she tells me that she really wants her brother to like him, so she was debating buying her boyfriend and her brother tickets to a football game to see if they can learn to tolerate each other. two questions: one, is this the best way to do it, and two, how do i get in on free tickets? because hell, i’ll hate anyone for free tickets.
One, that is a horrible fucking idea, and two, maybe if you spoke up and stopped trying to score free football tickets she might see the light and ditch the guy.
As for fantasy, I was recently offered a trade of Antonio Gates (4th rd pick) for Darren McFadden (5th) and Shiancoe (15th? 16th? End of the fucking draft) my friend’s reasoning being that his running back core besides MJD sucks (he has derrick ward, beanie wells, and mendenhall, so yeah it does.) Meanwhile, i have LT, Ronnie Brown, McFadden, and “backups” of Tiny Darren, Donald Brown, and Chester Taylor. so while i could spare mcfadden, what are your thoughts on the subject?
-i wish i had a witty name
You can indeed spare McFaddden, and there are only three reliably high-scoring tight ends in the league, and you’d be getting one of them for free without feeling the hit on your roster. Make the trade already.
Short and sweet like Darren Sproles:
Football: Ten team standard league. In first two rounds, any receivers worth taking besides Fitz/Moss, or should I stock up on RB/QB? No PPR, just yards & TDs.
Yup. Some guy by the name of Andre Johnson. Led the NFL in receiving yards by over 100 yards last year. You may want to look into him.
Sex: Girl wants to buy toys. Either a fingertip vibrator or vibrating cockring. Not a toy afficionado, what’s the pros/cons of both?
-T.S.
I’m not a toy aficionado, either. Because I actually satisfy my women. ZING. I kid, I kid. Your first sex toy can be a wonderful addition to the bedroom.
Alas, I’m not as skilled in these arts as I might like. I recommend you head over to EdenFantasys for their sex toy reviews. Or Google “sex toy reviews” and sift through the endless results.
Gayer Versions of Ann Landers,
My question is a combination sex and fantasy football question. My girlfriend’s mother recently invited me to join a fantasy football league with her other daughters and some of their friends from work, 12 teams $25 a team.
What a horrible fucking idea.
Knowing they’re all amateurs I figured I’m looking at some easy cash with out having to put much work in. The only problem is I don’t see this relationship lasting till January. She’s not a bad girl but its been two years and it seems like the relationships run its course. My question is do I even bother playing? If I win and broke up with her daughter do I have any shot of getting paid, I can’t imagine my odds are very good and would it even be worth the awkwardness of picking up the money?
-Help me out
Try helping yourself out. I suggest by not cutting every single corner in life.
People: fantasy football, like a good relationship, like life, is not about winning while putting in the least amount of effort. It’s about enjoying what you do and spending time with people you like. That’s about all they have in common. But still, it’s a nice way to close out the column.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
For the love of god where did you find that glorious picture?
August 27th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Good work nonetheless, letting it marinade for comments before reading
August 27th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
To the guy asking about defensive players:
Patrick Willis is a beast.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Stealing photos from American Apparel ads, now are we?
August 27th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
“Help Me out” is a shitsack.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
@No BJs for the Bears Fan:
I had a draft on Tuesday, and grabbed Fitty and Andre with my first two picks. Still made out fine with the RBs on the next corner. No regrets.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
That was tame. Is it Ramadan?
August 27th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Bear : I would talk to your girls about it once they reach that age, and leave the choice up to them, to be honest. I think forcing them to go on birth control is perhaps a bit heavy handed. What if they’re both really determined to wait until they’re married? They’ll think you don’t trust their word, and believe me, the last thing you want is to have your teenage daughters think you don’t trust them…
If you are honest with them about it, hopefully they will be honest with you, and if they want to go on birth control, well, then you put them on birth control. At least you take an interest in your daughters’ lives, so that’s a big + right there. I wish more parents did that.
JAS : No, there is nothing wrong with doing a good deed and getting poon. You didn’t need to belabor that question. Keep right on poon’ing.
Will Leitch : You’re a fucking mongrel. District 9 is fucking awesome.
Bears Homer : Tell your wife that YOU want to lose weight, and ask if she wants to join, because you need help. And seriously, people, we need a fucking Mailbag FAQ.
Also, whining about your wife’s weight while you’ve gained weight yourself is the HEIGHT of fucking hypocrisy. Get back to your college weight, then you can whine about your wife.
Z : It’s just you jerking it like a madman. Don’t jerk it for a week, and watch that baby spurt as soon as a girl even looks at it. (I speak from experience.)
Bobby W : Four years is long past the expiration date. Fuck that noise.
No BJs : Do you like the girl? Is she good in the sack? Do you want to be with her for awhile? Then the lack of BJs isn’t a big deal. Fucking is more fun anyways, and if you go down on her and she can’t repay the favor orally, she’ll probably ride you until your balls fall off. So I would say no, not a big deal, but eh, I’m sure some guys will swear high and low by BJs. they’re fun but I’d much rather bury my spear balls deep inside a moist vagina. (or not moist ass. We’re at KSK after all.)
Witless name : do not get in between a brother and his sister if he’s trying to tell her her bf is a douchebag. They are siblings, you are not. DO.NOT.GET.INVOLVED.
Wait until her brother convinces her to dump the tool, then console her with a sensual oil massage which leads to anal. Then pray like hell the brother likes YOU.
Toy dude : Usually a woman wants to buy a toy because YOU aren’t getting her off. So talk with her and see what she wants it for. If she just wants it because she’s super kinky, then go for it. Toys are fun.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
That was my initial impression but I thought she was too hot, most girls in those ads don’t look anything like her or maybe I’ve not seen enough.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Yo, Guzzlers of Kock, you forgot to answer the blowjob question. So, here goes:
If you have to ask if BJ’s are “all that,” then she;s almost certainly your Very First Girlfriend (battery-powered vibrator not included) and it’s unlikely – hell, it’s damned near impossible – that this is the last girl who’s ever going to want to take a look at your unit. So unless you’ve already decided to marry this girl – again, unlikely, seeing as you’re both probably about 14 years old – then go ahead and date her if you really like her. Your next girlfriend will have a chance to slobber all over your knob.
And yes, done properly, a blow job IS “all that.” So if you do end up marrying this girl, and she won’t suck your cock, demand anal instead.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I’ve never been in a FF league that doesn’t have 6 points for passing TDs…guess I’ll need a hankerin’ for some shankerin’.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Bear in Cheeseland –
The HPV vaccinations are a must for any girl. (Being older, I wish it had been around for my teenage / college years.) But skip the Depo unless you want two massively depressed – even by teen standards – girls in your house. Speaking from my own personal experience and every other woman I have ever known who used it as their birth control, I cannot believe they let that shit on the market. It’s probably one of the worst combinations of hormones on the market, and the side effects of “crying your eyes out every day for no reason” and “mood swings that would frighten Sybil” are frightful. (Plus, weight gain.)
Maybe by the time they hit puberty there will be a shot for teenage boys that makes their sperm tailless or something.
/There is also the chance that your “cool dadness” will make them never want to have sex.
// Will should not be allowed to review movies, especially after he cited Bret Easton Ellis for backup on his terrible take on District 9.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
im confused…ufford, i thought you always hated everything?
August 27th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
I believe Brian asked a very important question that should be answered.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
It’s just you jerking it like a madman. Don’t jerk it for a week, and watch that baby spurt as soon as a girl even looks at it. (I speak from experience.)
I disagree. My experience is that frequent jerking increases my interest in sex. Long periods of no jerking make me completely disinterested in it.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
If American Apparel is now selling pencils for $7 each, I will now buy 85 of them.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
@ClickClickThud: Yes, she would be my first girlfriend, but I am closer to 30 than 15. I blame a religious upbringing coupled with an engineering focused collegiate experience. Also, she’s denied entry to the backdoor until she has a ring and a reception. Scratch that. It’s either that, or she gets to peg me first. I’m way more comfortable with the former.
@Needs More Cheerleaders: The Captain made it clear that he preferred brevity, so I skipped a few lesser details. On the new binary scale, she’s a 1. I lack a frame of reference to judge her aptitude in the sack, but it’s usually me doing most of the work to little or no fanfare. I like to think myself coach-able, but I don’t get much direction, even though she is “more experienced”. I’m more than happy to spread around the mouth-love to start things off, it’s just that she feels guilty because she is unable to reciprocate and it kill any mood I had setup. I could see being with her because we share similar interests (she runs our football pools), but my friends and family have told me she has a personality that goes over like a turd in a punch bowl.
@Otto Man: Thanks for the vote of confidence, does the advice still hold up for Megatron and/or Moss?
August 27th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
No BJs: That depressed the fuck out of me. If there’s a chance you can move along, you may want to consider it. A life without a blow job is too horrible to think about. Early on it wasn’t anything to go crazy over but I met this one girl..
Who else thinks this man needs a blow job?
Can I get a Harrumph?
August 27th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Reading this mailbag after just getting in from seeing District 9, I kinda lost attention partway through. Totally agree on your take, Ufford. Best use of a pig on film or TV since Homer’s BBBQ.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
TheStarterWife nailed it Bear guy. Both of my daughters had the HPV vaccine around 16-17 years old. It was a great idea and they both still thank me for it now. Don’t control their birth control.
I think that would be bad.
As they age remind them that if they are curious they can ask you about birth control. They decide. Seems right. Both of my girls are alive, sane and responsible.
Did I tell you I have a grand daughter?
It’s true.
Hope that helped.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
@thestarterwife: Even if that came out, there’s absolutely no way I [and likely most other guys] will let that kind of destructive power near our jewels for fear of long term damage. I’m assuming female birth control’s been proven safe, but I now have a deeper respect for you guys putting your ovaries on the line.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Harrumph.
Blowjob guy: When you meet a girl who knows what she’s doing or is willing to find out what works for you, you’ll get it. Don’t dump her if she’s a nice girl, but don’t be resigned for a life without a good beej. It will come, grasshoppah.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:10 am
@JaS: I Tried 14 times to write a response to your answer but it kept starting out “It’s alright to use a kid for…” then I stopped.
Had two nephews and two everything-but-blood nephews who I helped raise and I used to walk them down to the shore every day. Took turns. I worked like a charm with the ladies. Two year old Paulie used to ask “goin beach? See Nay-nays?”
Good times.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:24 am
@NMC@starter@yeah
I don’t plan on “forcing” them onto birth control. What I meant by “when the time comes” is more of a conversation that entails:
“hey you are getting older and i know that things happen blah blah responsible blah blah….I want you to be somewhat protected if you make that decision so I think that you should consider (insert appropriate birth control here) and you should also know (insert sex talk here). your mom or I will make an appointment with your doc if you want to talk to someone else/get a prescription/etc.” end conversation. (insert me drinking here)
HPV vaccine is a no-brainer in my book.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:39 am
Dude Who Aims to Control His Daughters Reproduction: Kudos for the HPV vaccine and taking an active interest in your daughters possible future sex lives. But seriously, before you state a willingness to have your kidlets injected with hormones, read the fucking intarwebz. Depo is scary, nasty shit that cannot be immediately undone — meaning that if it sends your already fragile, pubescent daughters hurtling off the edge of sanity, there will be precisely jackshit you can do to ameliorate the situation until the drug is totally purged. That will take A BARE MINIMUM of 3 months, but likely many more. It’s also not recommended for very young women or for extended use, and it’s known to cause irreparable bone density loss. So unless you desire potentially batshit crazy, osteoporotic offspring with possible weight problems I’d personally (as someone who’s been there) suggest that you trust them enough to swallow a tiny frigging pill once a day.
Also, no. Female hormonal contraceptives, while preponderantly “safe,” come with all manner of abhorrent possible side effects, including but not limited to stroke and death. But by all means, men, protect your testicles by continuing to dig in your heels at the suggestion that maybe y’all should bear the blood clot burden for the privilege of a naked wang. Jesus.
/depo-induced hormonal tirade.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:39 am
How old is that girl in the picture. Standards, god damn it!
August 28th, 2009 at 12:40 am
CrossFit is the shit. A buddy and I do those workouts after classes and they are great. Even though they can be very hard, each day is different so you’re not usually doing the same workouts every time. If you want your ass kicked, try “Fran” or “Barbara”.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Wow, LandBaroness: I think you depressed me even more. For what it’s worth..(Old Man’s recollection warning).
I did a clinical trial for male contraception a couple of years ago. It entailed jerking off on a weekly basis – they had a VCR and everything – so they could measure my sperm count and it meant a weekly fasting blood draw. I also had two pellets of pure testosterone implanted in the subcutaneous layer of my stomach at three month intervals. There was an additional prostate exam which shall never be discussed.
But I tried dammit. I like the idea of the man taking responsibility. Who cares that my sperm count went from 10 million per to 15 billion per, it was an attempt.
Have you ever tried jerking off at 7:30 in the morning while nurses are outside giggling and you have a copy of Adam & Eve’s best of group sex video and you can’t use lotion and you have to put the product in the cup?
Me neither. I was just saying.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:15 am
Sorry about missing the BJ question the first time around. Updated to reflect my opinion.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:18 am
But they did pay me four grand, which was nice.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:29 am
@landbaroness: like I said, newfound respect and all that… and btw, its not always about the naked cock. If some girls want to have a little more fun with a few more guys than others, that’s on them. It’s not the 8 dudes she screwed last month’s jobs to all get their balls deactivated. So yea, if a guy’s being a bit selfish, I can see where that animosity’s coming from. But it ain’t always us.
@yeah: four grand for showing up and jerkin’ off in a cup? hell I’ll give that a shot.
/kidding. still not messin’ with the machinery.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:48 am
No-BJ Guy:
As they say, sex is pretty good even when it’s bad. A bad BJ is usually pretty bad.
However, it’s worth noting that while on average sex is better than a BJ, I’ve never met a girl that could actually get me to orgasm so hard I almost blacked out and had problems walking afterwards from sex.
So, consider it a mixed blessing: you’ll have more sex, but less blowjobs. I think most people would take that.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:56 am
why didn’t the smart alien just grab fluid from the extra weapons on board the ship to create the fuel necessary to jump start the ship and fly everyone home? where was the un on this? either way, was it just me or was joe buck especially weird tonight during the bucs/fins game??
August 28th, 2009 at 1:58 am
Bear Homer in Bton, huh? Nice try Peter. Peter King. Walking and softball indeed.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:34 am
District 9 is better than Terminator: Salvation, right? Because Terminator: Salavation was a resounding disappointment to me. I wanted to believe that Christian Bale+post-apocalyptic America ruled by robots=Greatness. Not so much.
RE birth control: Not an expert, and I don’t know much about Depo Provera, but I imagine it’s like most hormone-based birth control, it suppresses ovulation. In a way, it mimics pregnancy, which is why a lot of the side effects are similar. Better efficacy than condom, supposedly (with typical use).
RE blowjobs: also not an expert here, but I’m guessing it’s like most skills, and depends on who’s doing it. If someone sucks at it (heh), it might not be that great. But if someone is great at it, well, apparently, that makes it fucking awesome.
August 28th, 2009 at 7:43 am
@Otto Man: Thanks for the vote of confidence, does the advice still hold up for Megatron and/or Moss?
I’m not sure about Megatron, but Moss for sure. Any two of the top three (Moss, Andre, Fitty) would be a good bet though.
August 28th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Kudos on the CrossFit advice, Cap.
August 28th, 2009 at 9:03 am
After reading this, it’s apparent, and honestly surprising, there’s a lack of fantasy football knowledge among submitters.
I mean, how could you not mention Andre in there, whatever guy said fitty/moss.
\jots down fantasy tips for upcoming draft.
August 28th, 2009 at 9:24 am
no bj guy: chronic jaw problems should not prevent your girl from taking your tip into her mouth while she is on her knees giving you a hand job. Then she can swallow your spunk too. I wouldn’t end a relationship for lack of bjs though. The relationship will end itself (in which case, yay BJs!) or it will last forever (in which case it was probably worth not ending it just to get saliva on your dick)
August 28th, 2009 at 9:57 am
RE WR’s: This is more of a general question rather than an answer to anyone’s question, but why so high on Fitty? Or conversely, why not high on Boldin? The latter had his face shattered and came back in 3 weeks, missed 4 games total in the season, and still put up some good numbers. 11 TD’s in 12 games, vs 6 TD’s in 12 for Fitty. Fitty’s other 6 TD’s came in the 4 game’s Quan missed. I know I’m starting to sound like an ESPN analyst that’s high on Quan, but you gotta admit the guy’s a bit undervalued compared to his teammate.
August 28th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Mailbag’s a little light on the buttsecks this week, eh?
Anyway, I’ve a question. I had knee surgery recently, and i’m still in a brace. Anyway, i’ve been told that playing crip could probably serve to give me a… leg up on the competition should i see fit to use my the brace as a prop at the local meat market. Anyone have any experience using an injury to get sympathy tail? I mean, if using kids is okay…
August 28th, 2009 at 10:38 am
You first crossfit workout should be Fight Gone Bad. It’s easy.
August 28th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Best BJ I’ve received > Best sex I’ve had.
Average quality of all BJs received < Average quality of all sex I’ve had.
There are some things a mouth can do that a vagina can’t. But you have to give the vagina the nod for consistency.
August 28th, 2009 at 11:17 am
@Bear in Cheeseland-
There will likely be a million advancements in birth control by the time your daughters are old enough to need it, so no need to worry right now. That said, my fiancee uses NuvaRing or some such device and really likes it. She puts it in once a month and never has to worry about it. The pharmacy will call when her prescription refill arrives every month, so she knows when to take it out and doesn’t have to remember on her own. And not that you want to know this about your daughters, but the guy can’t feel it at all.
August 28th, 2009 at 11:19 am
@NoBJ’s
You’ll be lucky to see Fitzgerald or A. Johnson with the 10th pick in a PPR draft. But even if you do, I would much, MUCH rather have at least one good RB (Slaton, Westbrook, D. Williams, etc.), and then get a late 3rd round receiver (Colston or Welker might be available at that point) and an early 4th round RB like maybe McFadden, Pierre Thomas, Reggie Bush (money in PPR leagues), Derrick Ward, etc.
August 28th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Ok I never ever write into the comments section, but after the past couple of weeks I can’t help it. I don’t understand how a guy who says “I’m not as sleek as I was in college…” (I have a spare tire now) has the nerve to bitch that his wife is gaining a few lbs because she is getting a better education so she can make some extra cash. Or how any guy can say “I’m fat but my wife isn’t a super model… why?” WAH WAH WAH. It’s like an Ocho Cinco bit on KSK. FUCKING STUPID. Get your fat ass in the gym… Seriously…….. fatasses…….
“If you have hate in your heart let it out…”
August 28th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
That glorious picture is from Maxim on news stands now, with plenty more barely legal college freshman girls in a separate volume.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Johnny D -
Not true on the not feeling it.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
i heard the HPV virus has serious risks and dangers, might check into that before you kill your daughters off.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
vaccine*
damn it. i hate messing up.
also it isnt proven to be very effective.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Weird, I’ve only ever played in leagues where the QB TD’s score as 6 points. Always seemed fair to me since you only start one of them.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
@ BearinCheeseland: Depo is about the worst birthcontrol method you can go on. Many doctors actually recommend against going on it, as many women have a hard time conceiving after getting off it for years. Plus, the side effects are pretty nasty.
@Jas: As long as you see nothing wrong with someone pimping your kid out to get poon, then there’s no problem.
@ I wish I had a name: Convince her that you should be there to mediate the discussion. That way, they won’t come to blows, and leave the game early, thus wasting the tickets.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
@BearinCheeseland: I got the Gardisil shots for HPV, but although I recommend birth control pills, they make me gain weight like crazy.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@ JaS: “Can you hang with him so he doesn’t turn out Air Force.” As a former Air Force Combat Controller, unless your brother is a SEAL, he can STFU about the Air Force. And if he was a SEAL, he’d know better.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
District 9 sucked.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
@JAFO: You’re a mean little bastard.
/did the Filthy Fifty this morning
/can’t walk
/can’t lift arms over head
August 28th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Here’s what I figured out pretty quickly about 6 point TD for QB: it means that one QB can potentially invalidate someone’s whole team. If you decide to handcuff Fitty and Colston, then you will never ever beat the team with Kurt Warner at QB. It just won’t happen – he has a whole other player on you. It just makes the QB position too good.
August 28th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I disagree. My experience is that frequent jerking increases my interest in sex. Long periods of no jerking make me completely disinterested in it.
Roadkill,
Interest in sex does not equate to your jimmy being able to splat the goo in a timely fashion or not. Prolonged jerking it makes it harder for you to cum. Ergo, if you want to cum faster, stop jerking it so much. That was my point, which perhaps didn’t come across as clearly.
@ Bear,
Good, just talk to your girls about it and let them decide at that point. That makes them think you are cool, rather than creepy. Also, good god man, they’re 3 and 0 years old! Start worrying about this shit when they turn 11 or something. :)
District 9 is better than Terminator: Salvation, right?
@ Slash,
District 9 is like having sex with the entire San Diego cheerleading squad at once. Terminator : Salvation is like getting a crappy handjob from fat Steelers’ chick.
I report, you decide.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Touchdowns are still worth 6 points, right? So why in the fuck would you join a league in which QB touchdowns are worth 3 or 4 points? That is fucking asinine. There is no excuse for 15 RB’s to be ranked higher than Brady and/or Brees. 6 fucking points for a touchdown. Stop the discrimination against QB’s.
/rant over
//poop joke
August 30th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
“The fuck do unmarried childless friends know about raising a child?”
I was just in the same situation with some unmarried childless friends saying the same stuff about the same stuff. I can’t believe I just had my parenting style validated by KSK.