mailbag-august

I really enjoy writing the mailbag.  I try to give thoughtful answers to what I assume are people’s honest questions about their love lives, and I enjoy the additional mental exercise of thinking about different fantasy football scenarios, as it forces me to round out my knowledge and look into players and possibilities I wouldn’t otherwise consider.

But not today.  Today, I hate you.  Why?  Because the Internet is a cruel place, mister, and it’s better you learn that now and not later.  So if your question got ignored or answered in an apathetic fashion, it’s not your fault.  It’s because the world is capricious.  Also, you will all die alone.

Now, then.  On to the questions!

Viziers of Vag
I’m in a new workplace fantasy league this year. Low buy-in, so I signed on the dotted line before asking for details,

That was stupid.

only to find out it’s a goddamn auto draft league and everyone else in it is functionally retarded when it comes to fantasy besides 2 other owners in the 10 team league. Too late to back out now, but I need some pointers on this “auto draft” monstrosity I now have to deal with. Do I set my player rankings and draft rounds out by position or do I rank the top 200 and draft best available with limits on how many in each position are drafted? In my mind, the former nearly guarantees a functional fantasy team, while the latter gives the opportunity to take advantage of the noobs along with the real chance I could get screwed in the end.

Depends.  Can you set up those position limits by round?  Because if so, the latter is the way to go.  That way, you can cap your team at, say, five or six running backs while making sure that you don’t have more than two through four rounds.

Only god knows what these inexperienced owners will draft when and what they will be willing to trade. I live in WI so knock down any general football knowledge expectations of the other owners down at least 2 pegs and ratchet up Packers homerism by a factor of 10.

Use their weaknesses to your advantage.  Since it’s an autodraft, some of those homers are bound to end up with Bears and Vikings they won’t want on their team.  Seems like an excellent chance to land yourself Purple Jesus, Matt Forte, Jay Cutler, Chester Taylor, or Percy Harvin for cheaper than your average league.

I have a three year old daughter and another daughter due in December. I plan on getting them both vaccinated against Human Papilloma Virus, a STD that causes cervical cancer, and started on birth control as soon as the time comes. (Something like the Depo Shot or something else that is long term, whatever they have by then, last thing I trust a teenager to do is remember to take a pill at the same time every day.) Some unmarried childless friends say that I am setting up my girls to work the corner in the future.

The fuck do unmarried childless friends know about raising a child?

I think I am just being prudent and realistic in my expectations. I don’t think these 2 issues will ultimately determine my girls’ sexual identity one way or another, only serving to protect them, to a small degree, from poor choices. What would you do with your own daughter(s)?
-Bear in Cheeseland

I think prudence and realism are pretty good qualities to have as a parent.  And as a father, you officially have free license to choke out anyone who insinuates your daughter will become a prostitute.

Masters of the Muff (god I felt ridiculous typing that),

You should.  We prefer “Lords of Blogtown.”

Is it wrong to use your nephew to get laid?

Nope.  Oh wait.  Your question is a lot longer than that, isn’t it?

I work Sun-Thu and babysit my nephew every Friday to help out my sister and bro-in law. He is in Kuwait with the Navy and she works full time so a day without a 2 year old is good for her.

A day without a two-year-old is good for anyone.

I started this when he got recalled to the Navy in May.

Essential information. Thank you.

My nephew has since helped parlay me some ass twice. The first time I took him and my dog to the dog park

Awww, that’s great.  Kids deserve some time off-leash every now and then.

and he started playing with a woman’s dog and she eventually chatted me up. Found out I was babysitting my nephew and the next time I ran into her at the dog park we ended up back at my place.

You know what’s an awesome movie?  District 9.

The second time was last Friday. I took him bowling and there was group of nurses bowling next to us.

Will Leitch didn’t really like it.  He said the final 45 minutes were a “tiresome, hackneyed checklist of action movie tropes.”  Tropes like alien electricity guns blowing people up and a pig being used as a weapon and a guy in a mech suit catching an RPG and NONSTOP OWNAGE.

I explain I was babysitting to help up my fam and they melted for it. Went out with one on Saturday and closed the deal.

I mean, sweet fucking Christ, I dig the parables of xenophobia and apartheid, but how is the movie supposed to end?  Should the U.N. pass a resolution or something?  No thank you. After all that careful thinking and plot development, let’s get some fuckin’ explosions up in this piece already.

Is it wrong to use my nephew and my good deed to get laid? I’m really just doing it because my brother-in-law asked me too.

And why am I reading Leitch’s movie reviews anyway?  His favorite director is a pedophile who made two good movies three decades ago.  It’s like, hey buddy, get back to interviewing athletes with a dick in your face.

In his words “Can you hang with him so he doesn’t turn out Air Force.” I don’t even know what that means. I just teach him how to throw and make him watch PTI.

Oh, you’re done? All right then: No, there is nothing wrong with getting laid for an altruistic deed.  But I think it’s important to do it because you want to help out your sister, not because he’s a golden ticket to Poonsville.  Believe me, any good or noble deed you do with the intent of appealing to women — say, joining the Marine Corps, or volunteering at a kids’ writing center, or walking your friendly dog around the street — will karmically backfire and you’ll get stationed in the Mojave Desert or end up strangling some annoying brat or your dog will eagerly greet every panhandler on the street.  Not that I know from experience or anything.

2.My dumb ass college buddies play with a defensive player. We have had one for 4 years now. How do I convince them this is stupid and which defensive player is the best?
Thanks guys,
JaS

I wouldn’t know who the best fantasy defensive player is best because I don’t play in any gay leagues.

Dear KSK,
Football first. I have the third pick of the first round in my fantasy league at work. The Bears homer in me wants to pick Forte, but there’s a good chance that MJD or Turner will be available. The first pick is looking like it will be Peterson and the guy with the second pick has been saying he’s taking Fitty. If MJD or Turner are still there, should I take one of them,

Yes.

or should I follow my heart and pick Forte?

No.  Forte will likely have an excellent year, but take a step back and consider how this will affect your Bears fandom.  There are going to be weeks where Forte underperforms, and you’ll have double the anguish because you’re pissed that Forte cost both the Bears and your a fantasy team a win.  Or even if the Bears win, do you really want to be pissed at your star running back because he “only” had 75 yards on the ground and three receptions?

Now for the sex/lady part of the submittal. I know this has probably been covered in the past, but I am too lazy to go back through the past mailbags. My wife is currently in school and therefore she spends a lot of time sitting on the couch reading/studying and she has steadily gained weight over the last year or so.

And you, of course, are in spectacular shape?

I feel a bit hypocritical because I’m not as sleek as I was in college,

No!

but I still try to walk every day and play ball (soft and basket) once a week at least.

You… you… walk?  ALMOST every day???  And softball!  What an intense cardio program!  How has your fitness regimen NOT inspired your wife to greater heights of physical fitness?

We bought an elliptical, but it has been collecting dust ever since I put it together. I feel overall that I fix pretty healthy meals, but that is only half of the equation. What is the best approach to get the wife looking like the slimmer woman she was when we started dating a couple years back?
-Bears Homer in Bton

Honestly, sometimes it feels like nobody has ever read a single edition of the mailbag.  So let’s ride this merry-go-round once again: marriage is a partnership, you need open communication, be prepared to compromise, et cetera.

If that’s not sparking memories of previous columns, I suggest you approach your wife with your concerns about the declining physique of both people in the partnership.  Repeat after me: “I just don’t like the weight that *I’ve* put on, and I think it would help my motivation if *we* worked out together.”  Being the kind of person who let herself go in the first place, she’s going to try to feed you some horseshit about how she just doesn’t have the time because she has to study, and that’s why you need to be ready to sell her on how just a little bit of exercise every week is going to give her loads more energy.  Then tell her, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! YOU’RE FAT! READ BETWEEN THE LINES!”

My recommendation: sign up both of your sorry asses for the nearest CrossFit gym.  The workouts are intense but scalable, so miserable weak roundbodies can still do the same workout as the ripped fitness freaks.  Go to two workouts a week for two months, and you and your wife will both find the other more attractive.

Dear Sirs,
I’ve never had any problems pleasuring the ladies but I sometimes have trouble getting my own rocks off in a timely manner. Is this the girl’s fault, the result of over a decade of chronic masturbation or am I just a gay who apparently doesn’t like chicks?

Masturbation is supposed to be less gratifying than sex, and being overeager in the onanism department can hinder your enjoyment of the real deal.  Try cutting back on jerking it just a little, and when you do whack it, loosen your grip and take your time.  If your hand is tighter than a vagina, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

In a league where qb’s get 6 pts for td’s, how soon is too soon to draft a qb or is that just something I’ll have to feel out on draft day?
Humbly,
-Z

Drew: One of my leagues has that scoring system too. I draft at slot 9. If Brees or Brady are there, I’m taking them.

Dear Gang of Sex,
Hey guys, football first. I’m in a 10-team league where each team has 2 QBs start and passing touchdowns are worth six points (thankfully I’m also in a regular league). Normally I subscribe to the best player available strategy, but I’m leaning toward making myself draft 2 QBs in my first 4 picks. Your thoughts?

That sounds sensible.  By the way, a LOT of people wrote in about being in leagues with two quarterbacks and leagues where QBs get six points for each touchdown.  Y’all need to drive a sharpened toothbrush into your commissioners’ respective kidneys.

As for sex, I hooked up with the ex of another guy in my league. They had gone out for six months (she dumped him, for what it’s worth), four years before I slept with her. I was really drunk, and only found out they had dated the next day. The guy in my league says it’s not an issue, but he’s the reticent type who wouldn’t make a big deal out of this even if it were important. So, am I going to be on the receiving end of a karmic fantasy bitchslap?
Thanks,
Bobby W.

Really?  They broke up four years ago and you didn’t even know?  Sleep easy, Bob.

Dear Most Distinguished Twatwaffles,
Are blowjobs all that? My girlfriend has life-long jaw problems and is on the PUP list when it comes to this subject. Granted, she is the first gal that has been interested in checking out my bait and tackle, but I want to know if I should make like Crabtree and hold out for someone who could give me something more than lip service.

UPDATE: Sorry, this went unanswered in the first draft. It comes down to personal preference. As much as I enjoy a good blowjob, I prefer having sex. I think of oral sex as an especially pleasurable form of foreplay. Other people just want to sit back and do nothing while they get sucked off. There’s nothing wrong with either viewpoint, as long as you’re satisfied with the sex that you have.

With the fantasy draft coming up, I’ve traded up to have the 10th and 11th picks in a twelve team re-drafting PPR league. Is it too crazy to go WR/WR with those picks, as I won’t see another pick until the late 3rd round (The league starts 1QB, 2RB, 2WR, and 1 RB/WR flex)?
-No BJs for the Bears fan

When you first posed the question, I was certain you were insane.  But as I mulled it over a bit more, the notion of having Andre Johnson and Larry Fitz as your starting WRs in a PPR league sounds pretty enticing, especially if you don’t feel confident in the RBs at the end of the first round.  It might just be crazy enough to work.

hey guys,
so my friend is dating a guy who she likes (i think hes kind of a Lazy Lenwhale, but that’s my opinion and i keep it to myself), but her brother fucking hates the kid, telling me and her to her face repeatedly that “she can do better” and “he has no personality.” to which i just shut up and looked amazed that someone could cram both their feet in their mouth at once.

Pfft.  There’s nothing wrong at all with being honest when someone you care about is dating a tool.  Especially if that person is your sister.

she tells me that she really wants her brother to like him, so she was debating buying her boyfriend and her brother tickets to a football game to see if they can learn to  tolerate each other. two questions: one, is this the best way to do it, and two, how do i get in on free tickets? because hell, i’ll hate anyone for free tickets.

One, that is a horrible fucking idea, and two, maybe if you spoke up and stopped trying to score free football tickets she might see the light and ditch the guy.

As for fantasy, I was recently offered a trade of Antonio Gates (4th rd pick) for Darren McFadden (5th) and Shiancoe (15th? 16th? End of the fucking draft) my friend’s reasoning being that his running back core besides MJD sucks (he has derrick ward, beanie wells, and mendenhall, so yeah it does.) Meanwhile, i have LT, Ronnie Brown, McFadden, and “backups” of Tiny Darren, Donald Brown, and Chester Taylor. so while i could spare mcfadden, what are your thoughts on the subject?
-i wish i had a witty name

You can indeed spare McFaddden, and there are only three reliably high-scoring tight ends in the league, and you’d be getting one of them for free without feeling the hit on your roster.  Make the trade already.

Short and sweet like Darren Sproles:
Football: Ten team standard league. In first two rounds, any receivers worth taking besides Fitz/Moss, or should I stock up on RB/QB? No PPR, just yards & TDs.

Yup.  Some guy by the name of Andre Johnson.  Led the NFL in receiving yards by over 100 yards last year. You may want to look into him.

Sex: Girl wants to buy toys. Either a fingertip vibrator or vibrating cockring. Not a toy afficionado, what’s the pros/cons of both?
-T.S.

I’m not a toy aficionado, either. Because I actually satisfy my women.  ZING.  I kid, I kid.  Your first sex toy can be a wonderful addition to the bedroom.

Alas, I’m not as skilled in these arts as I might like.  I recommend you head over to EdenFantasys for their sex toy reviews.  Or Google “sex toy reviews” and sift through the endless results.

Gayer Versions of Ann Landers,
My question is a combination sex and fantasy football question. My girlfriend’s mother recently invited me to join a fantasy football league with her other daughters and some of their friends from work, 12 teams $25 a team.

What a horrible fucking idea.

Knowing they’re all amateurs I figured I’m looking at some easy cash with out having to put much work in. The only problem is I don’t see this relationship lasting till January. She’s not a bad girl but its been two years and it seems like the relationships run its course. My question is do I even bother playing? If I win and broke up with her daughter do I have any shot of getting paid, I can’t imagine my odds are very good and would it even be worth the awkwardness of picking up the money?
-Help me out

Try helping yourself out. I suggest by not cutting every single corner in life.

People: fantasy football, like a good relationship, like life, is not about winning while putting in the least amount of effort.  It’s about enjoying what you do and spending time with people you like.  That’s about all they have in common.  But still, it’s a nice way to close out the column.