What is This Salty Discharge Issuing Forth From My Eye Sockets?
Is this a part of the new software security bundle? Eye-based skin poison to keep away the clingy soccer moms who want to lick my face? Seems like a narrow purpose for such vital liquids. Also, there are no old married women around. The timing is incongruous.
Or could it be?
Could I be expressing…
E
MO
TION?
No, no, that’s not it. Can’t be. I don’t possess human frailty. Weak, STUPID meatbags! I don’t care for them! I won’t care for them! They can’t make me care! My purpose is only to hollow out their loved ones once they’ve entered the bonds of marriage. That’s it! All I’m doing is announcing the discarding of another withered old cog that has outlived his usefulness.
But I still love him like a son. Yes, I love you Cog. Linebacking Cog of mine. Cogy Bruschi.
Uh-uh. I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything. Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble. Injury report? Whatever. Brady’s shoulder is fine. No reason to put it on the injury report. He’s just another mindless instrument that bends only according to my glorious design. We made a football decision to leave him out of the second half against the Redskins.
Because I care for Tom and didn’t want to see harm come to him.
STOP DOING THAT!
Yes, I taught Cog how to win. I imparted basic techniques that have been found to be directly linked to the production of success on a football field. At no point was there emotional engagement with the subject. Through repetitive drills, I created within his body muscle memory to carry out my schemes. Through extensive psychological torture, I literally broke his mind, then restored it, stronger and more pliable than ever. Where you see empathy, I only see utility. Any perceived bond we had is solely projection on your part. Because you are foolish emotional beings.
And I yearn to be like you.
Tags: Bill Belichick, tedy bruschi, xmas ape
August 31st, 2009 at 4:19 pm
FAAAAACKIN DAAAAAHKIES TAKIN TEDY’S PLACE!!!!!!
August 31st, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Those tears were for Heidi Bruschi. And the sweet, sweet love she and Bill briefly, but meaningfully, shared next to the respirator.
August 31st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
You know, Bill, people who need people really are the luckiest people in the world.
August 31st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
What is This Salty Discharge Issuing Forth From My Eye Sockets?
Because Belichick is a walking dick, it’s not surprising he can now cum with his eyes.
August 31st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Do Boston fans know that Tedy Bruschi is a San Francisco-born Dago-Flip half-caste?
August 31st, 2009 at 4:32 pm
OWWWWWAH COACH IS MO-AH AHMOTIONUL THAN YO-AH COACH!
August 31st, 2009 at 4:37 pm
The liquid is simply Auto-Wash. It cleans and lubricates the on-board robotic spy cameras which are standard equipment with this particular model of cock robot.
August 31st, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Maybe Dustin Pedroia can play linebacker.
August 31st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Weak, STUPID meatbags!
Wait…Bill Bellichick is really HK-47?! Who knew?
/KOTOR reference
//video game geek reference
///Visanthe Shiancoe dick joke
August 31st, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Belichick has fooled you once again, puny mortals. Eye-based skin poison is actually a new concoction that he created within his impenetrable underground lair. He will implement his new weapon when the regular season begins; once the serum has been installed into his imperfect meatbag players, he will subject them to hours of viewings of “Old Yeller” and “Brian’s Song” and other films that a google search has found to elicit the emotion you call “sadness.”
Once the game begins, the Patriots will weep their way to victory. You make it too easy, carbon-based lifeforms!!!
August 31st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Kiss my shiny metal ass
August 31st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
This is just a ploy. You know tedy is going to be starting the most important game the Pats play this season. Bill is just fucking with his roster.
August 31st, 2009 at 5:43 pm
/golf clap for Reggie Bush’s Pimp
Watch his ass not retire.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:25 pm
OWWAH TEDDY IS GONNA SHOW UP THAT FAHHHHHHVE! OWWWTAH RETIHHHAMENT! ATTA BOY BAHHRUSKI!
August 31st, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Ape, this is great work.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:53 pm
OWWAH COACHES TEA-UHS ARE MORE-AH MEANINGFUL THAN YOUR COACHES TEAH-UHS
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
August 31st, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Did he fake cry this much when he got caught cheating?
Oh, that’s right you New England bastards. You thought we forgot about that. Not that it matters. Boring Bill could smear his shit around on a sheet of paper for 3 hours on the sideline, call it his game plan, and the Pats will still cakewalk backwards through this division.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:58 pm
@TPS: Forget most important, he’s just going to take the field one day and nobody will notice New England’s defense has 12 men until it’s the fourth quarter, they’re up 31 to negative eight and Bruschi has seventeen sacks. You cunning bastard, Billy.
August 31st, 2009 at 6:58 pm
where’s Tawwwmy?
surely in mourning….I would guess he’s having an Irish NFL funeral. He can probably be found in Dooorchestah’ passed out at the bar.
August 31st, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Ssssssh, Bill. Ssssssh. No more tears. No more tears.
August 31st, 2009 at 10:09 pm
first teddy kennedy, now tedy bruschi. tawmmy must be on suicide watch.
August 31st, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Those aren’t tears. That’s acid. Bill Belichick is part Dilophosaurus.
August 31st, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Kill All Humans, Kill All Humans…
August 31st, 2009 at 10:44 pm
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
August 31st, 2009 at 10:59 pm
If Bruschi is “perfect” how might Belichick refer to Tom Brady? Doubleplusperfect, I presume.
August 31st, 2009 at 11:58 pm
no ‘gratuitous seinfeld reference’ tag?
September 1st, 2009 at 1:06 am
I picture Belichek with Dr. Manhattan’s voice from Watchmen.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:07 am
I’ll miss ya Tedy!
/Pats fan
//Dick joke
September 1st, 2009 at 2:26 am
“I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do”
September 1st, 2009 at 2:28 am
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp:
My first reaction as well. God, I love KOTOR.
As for Bill, perhaps he was attempting human comedy.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:28 am
Oh, and Ted, I’m pretty sure Parcells also taught you guys how to win. Not Pete Carroll though…he sucked.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:52 am
This is surprisingly sweet. And so, of course, as men we must make jokes to cover.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:15 am
@ben did it to her pooper:
Shows what you know. There’s no white people in Dorchester.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Shows what you know. There’s no white people in Dorchester.
…other than New Kids on the Block.
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:40 am
Billz can haz hart?