bagpic
Hey this pic doesn’t pertain to any of the themes in the mailbag. You’ll just have to accept my apologies.

As the season inches closer, the fantasy football questions grow more and more specific, and for some reason, the sex questions turn a little more depressing. Anyway, we’re running late enough as it is, so let’s get into it, shall we?

what’s good?

The steak.

foosball first: is 4th overall pick too early for fitty? the promise of tasty crackers and 1400 yards/13 tds is appealing, and i usually follow my balls so imma probably do it. and speaking of balls….

Ah, so you are not a believer in the Madden Curse? This site offered a handy little breakdown of what it’s done to players output since 2000. For very selfish reasons, I too hope it is the year it will be broken. If so, Fitty may still be a reach at 4th overall, but given the way almost no running back in the league can be trusted to get 350-plus carries anymore, it’s not that huge of one, so your gut/balls/hunch may be okay. I’d also like dickstaple all the glib assholes who spout “Oh man, it’s so obvious the Cardinals are going 6-10 this year! What a bunch of obvious flukes”. Why exactly? BECAUSE THEY LOST EDGERRIN JAMES!? (Yes, I know Beanie Wells is already hurt). They may in fact take a step back, but I feel this supposition is based on stupid notions of historical reputation. That’s why every rationalization of this I hear is some variation of “I dunno. It’s the Cardinals.”

Book in the face.

sex: i’ve been consensually raping with this chick, and when she goes down on me she can’t keep the 2 vegs out of her mouth, but the meat? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! firm “handshaking” only.

what up with that??

car boat,

some dude.

Maybe she doesn’t want to swallow and is concerned about the chances that a dude who refers to hook-ups as “consensual rape” is gonna blast her in the mouth or face without telling her first.

Dear Gay Mafia,

My question is related to sex in the sense that emasculation alters one sex. I am currently in college and drive a hand me down vehicle, my father’s old pickup. The big problem is it is a Ford F350 Super Duty with large garish V10 badges and lifted/fitted with off road tires. Daddy tricked it out for off-roading: brush guards, large light bar on the roof, power winch on the front, citizens band radio, the works and then just passed it on to me unaltered.

Even Howie Long will concede it’s not a faggy truck

My boyfriend drives a Saturn sedan. Over the past winter I used the pickup to retrieve his sedan from a roadside ditch and ever since then he’s felt intimidated by the truck. I’ve removed the more redneck elements daddy added (the gun rack, the various stickers displaying Semper Fi and UMSC) but that alone has not done the trick. In the past the truck used to be popular, as it can hold a number of kegs and a grill in the back, but ever since his friends watched me pull him out a ditch we have to take the Saturn everywhere and he has to drive.

Last summer we’d load the truck up with friends and supplies and use it to tow some Seadoos down to Lake Huron and party all weekend. This year we’re cramming everything into the Saturn and tooling down to the lake in that. I know his friends give him shit for having the girly car in the relationship, but this is seriously getting old especially since the A/C in his Saturn no longer works. Do you have any ideas on how to get him back in the passenger’s seat of the truck without cutting off his balls in the process? I’ve considered being blunt about it, but I worry I’d do irreparable damage to his ego. [Also I know I can fix the leaking seal in his A/C compressor, but there is no way in hell he can take his girlfriend fixing his car, is there?]

If it helps he claims he has no problem with me rolling the Super Duty, but instead claims it is more ‘environmentally responsible’ to take the Saturn. The Saturn does get a much better MPG, but the only time he shows an ounce of concern for the environment is when the truck is around. My counter argument has been based on safety, on Sunday nights when we’re coming back from the beach there a lot of deer running around. Hitting a deer in the Saturn would fuck us all up. Hitting a deer in a pickup with a solid steel front guard is more an annoyance, you just have to wash the remains out of the grill when you get home. My dad has taken out two deer that way and the truck took them both like a champ. My boyfriend isn’t buying what I’m selling though.

These are two cellphone pictures taken over the winter, circa the time of going Saturn fishing. No way I’m getting in that am I?

bagtruck

PUNTE: “I want to go bear hunting in that truck. Holy God, what a fine piece of machinery. ”

DREW: “Fuck bears. I want to hunt hippies in it.”

UNSILENT: “Fuck hunting, I want to fuck in it.”

Your bullshit threshold must be pretty high to put up with this asshole’s insecurities. If he’s so hell bent on saving Mother Earth, tell him to trade in the Saturn for a Prius. Or his useless dick for a couple solar panels. He really shouldn’t give a shit if his friends want to razz him because his girl drives a more badass vehicle than him.

For fantasy football one of the leagues I’m in this year is a rookie only league. Do you think Jeremy Maclin on the Eagles or Percy Harvin on the Vikings is a better take as my top round WR? Reid’s playbook is hard to learn, so I’m worried Maclin won’t even start, but Harvin has to catch balls from well, umh, yeah, some person. Or should I consider a running back?

- Thinking of Accidentally Backing Over a Saturn…

Must not be a ton of teams in an all-rookie league. DeSean did all right as a rookie in Reid’s offense last year, but remember again that Childress was gloating about getting Harvin before he fell any further in the draft. Once Chilly is enamored with a player (see: T-Jack) he makes sure that player has every opportunity to prove his genius. Expect Percy to have passes, bubble screens, reverses on 3rd and 13, forced to him as often as possible, whether that’s good for the team or not.

Dear Guys Who Are Sick of Our Lame Puns,

Football – I’m in the third and final year of a 10 team keeper league. Year one I made the playoffs and lost in the semis thanks to gambling with BrittFar as my QB, and I was okay with that since it was my fault for doing. Year two one of my best friends, the Commish of the league, changed the admittedly complicated playoff seeding system. In week 11 of the season. Knocking me out of the playoffs when I previously had a bye. After I had pleaded with him for the previous two years to change it during the offseason and he refused.

His logic was that the new seeding system was fairer and that he had already discussed the matter with the league. Or rather, with three people in the league, including himself, all of whom the seeding change could potential benefit. He then attempted to email the league and explain the change and put it to a league vote. His email made less sense than that Palin resignation speech and nobody voted. The result was not just me missing the playoffs but the most obnoxious guy in the league (the self proclaimed ‘TO of Fantasy Sports’) winning his first title. Had seeding been done correctly I would’ve blown this guy out (my team put up 200 points that week) in the semis and came 2nd in the league $400. Instead I ended up losing $200 in league fees. Surprisingly I am still friends with the Commish and was even a groomsman at his recent wedding. What is the best, fairest way for me to get revenge on Commish? All of my plots end with me bulldozing his new house, and I think that may be taking things too far.

ADDENDUM : He actually changed the seeding in week 13. He now admits he ‘may have made a mistake.’ I still want to bulldoze his house.

So how about him correcting the mistake by recouping you the league fee he cheated you out of? I’m surprised you didn’t try to fuck his fiancee the night before his wedding.

Sex – I’m too angry about the above issue to maintain an erection.

Anger boners are, after all, intense but fleeting.

Dear Homosexuals that live inside my computer,

Football first, as it should be. I am in an eight owner keeper league that won’t be expanding ownership this year. In order to increase scarcity, we would like to expand the starting roster to include 2 QB, 2 RB, 2 WR, a flex RB/WR, TE, D and K. We can’t decide on an ideal roster construction and scoring system (a 2 QB system w/ 6 points per TD would dilute the value of the RBs and WRs), so I come to you and ask what the best way forward is. As commissioner, I pledge to abide by whatever system you lay out for us, unless it is intentionally stupid or insulting in which case you can just fuck off.

So why not decrease it to four points per passing TD? Or keep passing TDs at 6 and increase interception penalties to four points, that way while quarterbacks have a higher ceiling for good games, they can also assream you on particularly bad outings.

Sex: I’m in a fantasy league with this guy named Rob who likes to watch gay porn, but insists that he isn’t gay. How do I get him to resign from our strictly straight fantasy football league (obvi.) without seeming to be homophobic?

The 2009 The Shinebox (sic)

Insist that he can only draft gay players. Once he realizes he’s stuck with Brady Quinn, T.O., Laveranues Coles, Maurice Morris and Laurence Maroney, he’ll want to drop out immediately.

Dear Poonhounds,

No football, no longwinded personal history, no anal, just a question: why are dudes (in general) so weird/squeamish about coming in contact with their own jizz? (I’m not even talking snowballing or anything like that.) Y’all certainly don’t seem to have a problem getting on/in us womenfolk. What gives?

Muchas gracias,

K

UNSILENT: “If you touch it it turns you gay. Fact.”

Sovereigns of Snatch,

Sex first, as it is the only thing more important than football:

I recently violated one of the cardinal rules of co-ed living and slept with my roommate. Several times. This is not ostensibly a terrible thing, as we have plenty in common, get along well, and she has a set of legs that make her jeans fit in a way ordained by God. The first few weeks have been surprisingly serene and we’ve done a solid job of not smothering each other on account of the ease of access — most people have to board the subway to get laid, whereas I need only walk down the hall. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that I am bullshitting myself into thinking this will end in anything but massive, awkwardness-inducing flames. Should I ride this out (pun intended) to the end, or try to ease out of it as soon and cleanly as possible?

Well, trying to cleanly ease out of it because of anxiety will only bring on the massive awkwardness faster, so why not enjoy it for the time being (seeing as how you’ve already crossed the roommate Rubicon) and brace yourself for inevitable crisis when it does occur.

Football a close second:

How much do you think Matt Ryan’s FF stock has dropped, given Roddy White’s holdout and Harry Douglas’ amazing exploding kneecap? I still expect Ryan to put up solid numbers, especially with Gonzalez on board, but can he still be considered an “elite” fantasy option?

-Bumbling in Brooklyn

I don’t think it hurts Ryan much as a fantasy option, though I would like to know which double expletive he yelled when he saw Douglas go down. “FUCKY ICE!” maybe? He was already a middle of the pack to upper middle of the pack fantasy starter and I wouldn’t suppose this downgrades him much when he still has a strong running game, a better receiving option at tight end and his no. 1 receiver. It may sow a little doubt in all the people who want to anoint the Falcons as sleeper NFC contenders, however.

Hey gentlemen,

I am playing fantasy football for the first time this season. I’ve been trying to wade my way through the endless sea of draft guides available but am not sure which is best. Is there a particular guide that you guys recommend? Also, what’s the general consensus on drafting players from your favorite team (Steelers, personally)? Obviously it would be nice to not have my rooting interests complicated by my fantasy team, but I gotta imagine the guy who plays the homer ends up at the back of the pack.

You generally want to avoid homer picks in a fantasy draft and the Steelers especially aren’t brimming with fantasy studs. I let that get the better of me last when I took Santonio Holmes in round two in one of my drafts, expecting a breakout year. Maybe his stellar postseason performance will finally trigger that this year. I doubt I’d take that chance again. Fast Willie’s in a contract year but health has been an issue the last two seasons and the team most likely wants to see good things out of Rashard Mendenhall so they don’t have to break the bank on Parker, so he might be risky even as a second back.

I found myself on the subway the other day, sitting across from two eh-looking twins, thinking, “I’d do it for the story.” So I guess my question is…when is sex just for the story worth it? In this particular situation, you’d be doing two girls at once, but neither of which would be worth your time solo. But a threesome with twins? That strikes me as a lifetime of bragging, no matter their level of attractiveness.

Also, why the hell do all the people who write in label their questions “fantasy football” and “sex”? What, if they didn’t make it explicit, you’d get confused as to which god damn subject they are asking about?

-G

Bad sex done strictly for stories is often fairly lame because down the road you’re going to have to embellish the story anyway. When you boast about how you bedded twins, you’ll inevitably be asked if they were hot. If you tell the truth and say “no” then you’re getting laughed at for fucking two ugly girls instead of one. You’re going through all the trouble of screwing two women you aren’t really into just to most likely lie about it later on. Why not just save the time and lie and say you fucked hot twins without committing to the actual deed. Lying makes everything easier (okay, sometimes).

kmailbag kpillowbiters,

kthanksbai

So here’s the short version. Been happily married 14 years, both spouses faithful. Standard twice-a-month marriage sex.

About six months ago, the wife befriended an out-of-the-closet lesbian. They’ve been hitting bars and parties at friends’ homes weekly. And other stuff too, sleepovers, canoeing, gym, etc. And the wife assures me nothing sexual is happening between them. But the sex between us has escalated, in frequency and intensity. The bedroom has a “rock concert” buzz in the air, and anything can and does go.

If you need visuals, the wife is a tall, skinny redhead. Cuter than shit, if you like girls. Five-nine, about 120.

There are no jealousy issues (so what’s your problem?). I’d love nothing more than to come home one night, find her in bed with a hot lesbian, and jump right in. Every straight man’s dream, right?

There is one, minor hangup. The lesbian in question, who happens to be heartwarmingly sweet, appears to be in mid-sex-change, and ya can’t tell which direction it’s headed. That, combined with a weight issue, makes my dreams flaccid. And there’s not enough alcohol to make me a fatty lover (and yes, I am fit at six foot zero, 180 lbs).

So, thoughts here?
MichiganMatt

UNSILENT: “Introduce her to better looking lesbians?”

Not really sure what the problem is. You don’t think your wife is going to cheat on you but you’re concerned that the unlikely threesome with the wife and lesbian might become undesirable because the other woman is going from lesbian to tranny? Just enjoy the rejuvenated sex life.

Sirs,

First, the sex: I’m about to turn 20, and have never been kissed. I know you probably don’t care why this is so, but, basically, I was a total fucking asshole in senior high, and just didn’t try in my 1.5 semesters at the local community college. So, I never had a girlfriend, and I was never given even a peck on the cheek out of pity. This is so pathetic, if I sent this in before July 31, it would’ve won a copy of Football Fan’s Manifesto.

Not true. You need a probably fabricated anecdote about an obscure NFL player shoehorned in there. Errict Rhett sounds good.

But, things are changing for me. I’m going to move out of my mother’s basement and into my older sister’s apartment, I’m looking for work, I’m transferring to a school that won’t serve as a constant reminder of my failures, I’m trying to better myself, and I hope this might result in a relationship. So, this question isn’t exactly about sex, but should I get a girlfriend, how do I go about telling her I’ve never been kissed? Should I? (I recall Drew writing in Men with Balls that he didn’t get kissed until 19, so I’d really appreciate it if he’d tell his story, if that part of the book was true.)

Drew’s off wiping his ass on my Terrible Towel, so he doesn’t have any advice at the moment. Anyway, at 20, you’re not as far behind the pack in terms of sexual experience as you’ve worked yourself into believing you are. I’m sure there are plenty of other guys at your age at the community college (or any school) in the same boat. So fucking relax about it, continue trying to better yourself and it’ll work itself out. As far as telling the girl, don’t. It’s not like have some lip hymen that needs to be broken. Most likely, unless you stick your tongue up her nose, she’s not gonna notice you haven’t kissed anyone before.

Fantasy: Last year, I co-created a league with a guy I knew in senior high. For some reason, he decided I should be commissioner. Everyone else in the league is a friend of his; I remembered a couple of them from senior high, but I wouldn’t consider any of them friends. Now that I’m moving out, I think I might lose touch with this guy. Should I leave the league at the conclusion of the season, passing control over to my acquaintance, or should I stick with it for as long as they’ll have me?

Thanks for reading and for the phenomenal site! (And I’m definitely going to purchase Ape’s book, once I can afford something as luxurious as a paperback book.)

Sincerely,
Clever Psuedonym That Gives You the Idea that the Author of This E-Mail Has Never Been Kissed

Why would you fall out of touch enough that you can’t be in a fantasy league together? I mean, you guys have e-mail, right? Unless a better option arises for a fantasy league (coworkers at your new job) you don’t need to be in a rush to leave this one.

Oh Great Poon Genies,

First, an update and the sex question: You may remember I wrote in some months ago about my Euro-whore of an ex-girlfriend, and I was seeking advice about whether I could get a revenge fuck, etc. Well, in my infinite wisdom I shunned some of your advice and came back to Eastern Europe, blah blah blah that girl revealed herself to be a complete twat.

I’ve picked myself up out of the sewer finally though and made it to the gutter. I’ve started “dating” this new Easter…screw it, Polish girl, but this relationship is mired in issues. I know your guys’ policy on dipping in the company ink, but I’ve got a twist on that. My cousin here happens to own a restaurant where he only employs attractive 18-23 year old women, where said pierogi pussy works. How terribly inappropriate is this, considering should problems arise between us I know for a fact she will just quit in shame avoiding any awkwardness when I frequent the restaurant (daily)?

Now the bigger issue: Girl’s got a “real” boyfriend. I have no issues with this since I don’t know the potato-head and this girl pursued me. I am not deluding myself about the future of this tryst and figure she’s a grown up free to make her own damn decisions – it’s not my responsibility to be a saint. That relationship obviously has bigger problems than me. Is that fair or am I still a scumbag? Finally, today I’ve received 20 texts from an unknown number all essentially saying “WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?” I’ll go out on a limb and say the boyfriend found out. What’s the protocol here? Do I respond? If he finds me, do I owe him a free punch or am I free to fight back and preserve my teeth? And can I still get some sweet waitress action out of this (I’ve grown to love my nightly bj in the middle of the restaurant after closing) or is this whole thing as certainly fucked as going up to Big Ben’s hotel room?

Let’s see:

1. Didn’t heed our advice the first time.
2. Leaped from one horrible scenario to another
3. This latest scenario involves fucking a dancer (I’m guessing) who works for your cousin and has a boyfriend
4. Have already been caught cheating with this girl and searching for a way to make it work
5. Kill yourself

Football: One of the members of my fantasy league is an obnoxious Patriots fan who tries to essentially pick up their whole team every year. Is it worth using a 2nd round pick on Moss if I can guarantee he will literally start crying right away? He is a Pats fan, after all…

- This Can’t End Well…

With Brady back, Moss isn’t a terrible option in the 2nd round (mid to late though) if he’s there. Go for it.

To people whom I don’t have a gimmicky name for:

Football first: Where would you put Greg Jennings amongst WRs this year as far as fantasy value goes? Obviously he’s Rodgers’ favorite target and can expect a plethora of balls thrown his way, but with the Packers shifting to an entirely new defense I can’t help but worry that I’ll be watching far more of them than the offense.

Jennings falls somewhere around the high end of the top 10 receivers in the league. On the plus side, if the new defense blows, they’ll have to be passing even more.

And now on to the sex. This may seem like a somewhat strange venue to bring this question but you all seem like sane, rational men so I’m open to your advice. Almost two years ago my girlfriend of four and a half years was killed in a car crash. This left quite a scar on me and I’ve spent the better part of the past year going in and out of counseling and through all the stages of grief. As of about four months ago I realized I wasn’t going to be able to simply neglect a relationship for the rest of my life based off of a freak accident. And so I’ve decided to start trying to date, or at least see other women. Thus far it’s actually been fairly comfortable – all things considered – but I’ve noticed that the couple times things have gotten to the “intimate stage” I find it impossible to get in the mood. It’s almost like it feels unnatural. I’m sure a lot of that can be attributed to the psychological effects but I’m worried that this may be something that sticks with me for the rest of my life. I obviously don’t ever want to forget my old girlfriend but I also know I can’t simply live always with her memory. Thoughts?

/feels crushing burden of being asked to solve an actual problem for once

//having no experience in such a scenario, cravenly leaves issue to the commenters

But good luck.

Football first: Its down to this…Steelers defense or Ravens defense?

Pretty much a toss-up in fantasy. Last year, Steelers had a big edge in sacks, Ravens produced two more turnovers. The Ravens have a new coordinator, but will probably not be affected too much by Dislexy Rexy’s departure to the Jets.

/No, I didn’t handpick a bunch of Steelers questions, it just worked out that way

Sex: My wife passed away about two years ago (cancer) and have two twin girls heading into first grade. I’m 30. I work out of my home and occasionally onsite. Recently, I think a couple women have been interested in me. I say “I think” because, frankly, I am lost. A coworker said I wouldn’t know if a woman was hitting on me unless she hit me with a brick that said “ask me out.” Fair enough. I’ll admit my life has been a little hazy for awhile. So, now that I’ve rediscovered life somewhat, how do I know when to say something to a woman, who to approach, etc. Before I got married/kids/widowed this was easy. But now, nothing makes sense when it comes to women. I’m baffled and it baffles me that I’m baffled. Thoughts? Comments? Criticisms?

Admittedly clueless in DC

This is a dour little sexbag, isn’t it? For a guy with two kids, you’re still pretty young at 30, so I would imagine the field is still pretty open to you (so long as women can deal with the having kids thing). If you have coworkers willing to discuss your cluelessness with regards to advances from the opposite sex, you must have one willing to be a wingman and help you out.

KSKers,

Sex: So I recently met this girl. We hung out a few times and things seemed to be progressing well before she left town for vacation for two weeks. Since she’s been on vacation we’ve been sending some dirty texts/emails/stories back and forth and I’ve come to learn that she likes anal. A lot. (Hurray, another anal e-mail!) Now unlike the majority of the KSK faithful, I’ve never had a real desire to try anal. None of the girls I’ve been with have been interested and I haven’t felt the need to push for it (if I have to convince her to do it then she probably doesn’t like it, and if she doesn’t like it, it’s a lot less fun for me). But I feel given that this girl’s really into it, I’d be an idiot not to try it out. Anyway, this is a long way of saying I’m an anal virgin and I was wondering what I should know before getting on the Hershey Highway. For example, I’ve heard going from the ass to the pussy is a good way to give her infections. Other, more sexy advice is also encouraged. I perused the past mailbags and didn’t see this specific anal question covered. If it has been covered, I gladly accept your ridicule and scorn.

Well this is running late after filling in for Ufford at Warming Glow, so I don’t have time to formulate a great response, so heap your anal traits upon him, anal-loving commentariat.

Football: I don’t have a good football question, so I won’t waste your time with some generic shit no one reads anyway.

Mike

And the transition from football/sex mailbag to anal emporium continues apace.