Tom Cable sucker-punching his way to the coachfight champeenship
Tom is excused from the sixth rule of Fight Club.
Fresh off his knockout victory over defensive assistant coach Randy Hanson, head coach Tom Cable is eager to make the next step up the coachfight contender ladder. But that doesn’t mean Cable is about to let success go to his head. “Sure, a decisive victory is always great, “ he said, “but I can’t get cocky—this guy [Hanson] is just a low-level assistant; not even a position coach.”
The beefy Cable has been coachfighting for decades, but it wasn’t until he blind-sided the much smaller Hanson that he made a national name for himself. “Like a lot of other coaches, I started out in the underground fights– bare-knuckle brawls in abandoned warehouses against over-the-hill high school coaches. Winner take all. In most cases ‘all’ was a can corned beef hash.”
Cable acknowledged that his fight against Hanson was outside typical coachfight protocol where intra-contests fights are typically disfavored. “What could I do,” Cable asked, his eyes dancing mischievously, “We’re the shitty Raiders. We can’t beat anyone else.”
But Cable’s days of toiling in obscurity over. “I’m training for my next fight,” Cable said while taking a break from the speedbag to cram a Hostess Ho-Ho® in to his gullet, “It’s against a well known tight ends coach. If I can win that one, then I should be in a line for a title fight against an honest-to-gosh offensive coordinator.”
Despite his meteoric rise, Cable is careful to keep his success in perspective. “Look, I may never be good enough to beat Tom Coughlin—that wiry son-of-a-bitch is the best for a reason. But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I know I can knock Rex Ryan’s fat ass out.”
Tags: bad MS Paint, KTFO, oakland raiders, tom cable, working his way up to the 'Mega Tycoon Wash'
August 19th, 2009 at 9:16 am
The first rule of coach fight club is you do NOT talk about coach fight club… with your mouth full.
The second rule of coach fight club is that coach fight club is pot-luck, and if you don’t bring a dish don’t expect to eat any of anyone else’s.
The third rule of coach fight club is that twinkies are either deep fried or discarded.
and etc.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I remember fightin ol Tommy Cuts Couglin. Still got the bite marks on my testicles to prove it.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Denny Green was banned from the coach fight club for always going for the eyes. That explosive postgame interview he gave after the Cardinals lost to the Bears was only that explosive because he just heard the news…lifetime ban.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Mariucchi was just too damned nice for Coach Fight Club
August 19th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I would think they’d try to feed Cable a bum to build up his reputation… a real powder puff… just to buikd the stats and reputation…
What’s Romeo Crennel doing these days besides eating a cow and bleeding gravy?
August 19th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Marty Mornhinweg’s coach fight club career was a long and brutal one. Repeated blows to the head left him mildly retarded. Mornhinweg was asked to retire from coach fight club after he thought it wise to kick-off after winning an overtime coin-flip, clearly showing his peers that he was no longer fit to participate in such a violent underground society.
tragic…tragic tale.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Based on personnel decisions recently, Andy Reid may have been confused about what type of coachfight club this is…
August 19th, 2009 at 10:00 am
If he ever has to fight Clown Baby it’s all over.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Jimmy Johnson’s coach fight club rules:
1. No touching of the hair or face.
2. That’s it! Now let’s do this!
August 19th, 2009 at 10:06 am
+1 Walter
August 19th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I suspect that Singletary fights nude from the waist down.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:12 am
As soon as the fight began, Coach Vermeil ran to the corner and cried. And so ended the shortest coachfight club career ever.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Cable was a legend on the hobo boxing circuit.
Walter, Nice “It’s Always Sunny…” reference
August 19th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Belichick has video of Cable’s entire fight club career.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Cam Cameron was overlooked for fight club. Everyone was pretty sure was just a PR staffer gone astray.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:38 am
When does the Coaches Tournament start? 32 teams. 32 coaches enter, only one comes out. Who would be the 4 #1 seeds? Who would be considered the biggest pussies, #8 seeds?
August 19th, 2009 at 10:39 am
At his first fight, Wade Phillips tripped on his way up the ring steps, bashed his head on a pylon and knocked himself out. Jerruh Jones then proceeded to stuff Phillips’ rectum with items stolen an 8-year-old girl’s backpack.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Sadly, Cable’s clocking of Hanson was the best hit by a Raider in 6 years.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Brad Childress makes it through the first round by telling everyone he’s not going to fight, then sucker punching Zorn. He is then unable to continue as the Land Baron shoots him from a tree stand.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:56 am
#1 seeds:
Singletary
Tomlin
the old Coughlin (not the new pussied up version)
Fisher
#8 seeds
Zorn
Childress
Harbaugh
Phillips
August 19th, 2009 at 10:56 am
In a little known fact, Charlie Weis originally pursued the Notre Dame job after a fight club date gone wrong. He was battered with two punches to the face, fell to the mat, and was heard to moan like an old woman: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!!”
August 19th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@TPT, Jauron need to be a #8 seed. He went to Yale.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I think we are missing the larger point. Coachfight Club is only the first stage; Al Davis has already moved on and instituted Project Mayhem. He started by destroying the Raiders years ago. He had Millen take care of the Lions. Right now, the Bengals, Browns, Rams and Chiefs are hopeless, and the 49ers, Broncos, Redskins and Bills are one the edge. I’m telling you, Davis plans to bring down the entire league.
I am Al’s bile duct, indeed.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Cable’s got bitch-tits.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Hmmmm what kind of fighter do you think Norval Turner is? On one hand, he looks like a wimp… on the other hand his name is Norval…
August 19th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I think you have to replace Harbaugh with either Jauron, Turner or Josh McDaniels. McDaniels already has had his ass kicked by Jay Cutler.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:13 am
What about haley? That fucker seems crazy enough for no worse than a #2 seed.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Cable better not get knocked to the ground or he’s liable to get motorboated or russian’d, with those sweater puppies.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Rob in WI: I appreciate your “Boy Named Sue” approach. Anyone with the name Norval must know how to fight or he wouldn’t be as old as he is.
Secondly, I think you’re all forgetting the darkhorse of this competition Bill Belichick. ALL of my money is on him. He has all other fighters’ fights on tape and he has a team of apprentice fighters studying them round the clock to find weaknesses…and you can’t go for the head. His secret move is the turtle shell…he just sinks back into the hoodie he’s wearing that day.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Andy Reid would dominate fight club. I have no good reasons as to why, I just have a feeling hes a really angry person(well you would be to if both of your sons were fuck ups)
August 19th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Walter…Great always sunny in philthadelphia reference. Too bad Bill “the chin” Cowher is not in the league right no. Incapable of being knocked out.
August 19th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Too bad Bill “the chin” Cowher is not in the league right no. Incapable of being knocked out.
According to that NFL ad, you just have to get his daughter to tell him he’s a Super Bowl Champion and he’ll start blubbering like Glenn Beck.
And once he’s doubled over crying, that’s when it’s time to kick some back!
August 19th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
The NFC south has been ignored thus far. Wouldn’t a young gun like Raheem Morris be a high seed simply because of his youth?
August 19th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
@Yeah Right?
I think this would be a more accurate statement on Cable’s physique:
Cable’s got Mangini-tits.
August 19th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
The first rule of coach club is you do not talk about coach club.
The second rule of coach club is you…do…NOT…TALK about coach club.
If someone punts, takes a knee, or kicks off in overtime…the fight is over
Two coaches to a fight.
One fight at a time.
No film, no assistant coaches.
Coach fight club will not be stopped by overtime.
And the final rule…if this is your first season in coach fight club…you have to fight.
August 19th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
In all fairness to the man, he did make it clear that the next guy who called him “Laying” was getting his ass kicked.
August 19th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Lane Kiffin left last year after Cable chafed his face with his taint stubble. It was just too much for Kiffin to have to endure.
August 19th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Not quite as funny, but more technically accurate: Coach Fight commenced with the flipping of a chair and Hanson’s face against a file cabinet.
So I guess the technical revision would be Coach Furniture Fight.
/Not really a nerd, I just play one on TV…
August 19th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
@ TPT: Cable works out to “Body by Mangini” for 20 minues a day, 3 times a week. It’s like 6 minute flabs.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I would love to see Cabel and Romo (the linebacker) duke it out to see who win’s the raider’s jawbreaker commitment to excellence award.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
When did Oakland hire Charles Bukowski?
August 19th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
We need a coach fight draft
August 19th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Tony Dungy wants to help the misguided coaches who partake in Coach Fight Club. He can do this because he walks with Jesus.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Coach Cable has manboobs? Shouldn’t he be coaching the Jets?
August 19th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
At least Buddy Ryan had the balls to get it on during a game, with the cameras on him…
I can’t believe that was still out there….
August 20th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
“We need a coach fight draft”
Last one in gets Wade Phillips
August 20th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Jason Garrett’s lucky this tourney is taking place before he starts his head coaching career…