My life consists of little more than an elaborate web of excuses and lies engineered specifically so that I exert as little effort as possible in all of my affairs. You might call that lazy. I call it victory.
A good, legitimate excuse is like a little gift from heaven. There’s nothing better than when you didn’t do something at work because you really, truly, weren’t copied on the email about it. That’s the BEST. “Look at the cc list, Steve! You see my name? CHECK AND MATE.” I love it when that happens.
Anyway, this week you’re drafting go-to excuses. It can be an excuse or alibi for anything: why you didn’t go to that wedding, why that dead stripper in the trunk totally isn’t yours, whatever. Pick one, wait ten picks to take another. Once you take that excuse, no one else on earth is allowed to make it except for you. So I’ll take the most obvious, annoying excuse of all:
I’m sick.
I fucking hate people who sick out on things all the time. It’s such a lame, transparent excuse, which is why everyone uses it. Not anymore. It’s MINE! ALL MINE!
Your turn.
MINI THIS WEEK IN FUCK YOU: Fuck you Sony, for making none of your bands’ music videos embeddable on YouTube. You people are fucking retarded. “Hey, I’ve got a good idea! Let’s make it so no one can promote our artists’ music!” Seriously, die a fucking earthquake, Sony.
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ROUS’s: Rodents Of Unusual Size
Works very well in any moderately sized city, and is doubly useful as an excuse for being late AND for carrying an unregistered handgun.
I got carjacked.
actually happen’d
“I’m allergic to peanuts.”
Works whenever the insufferable dipshit you’re with won’t stop demanding you taste the (fill in the blank) ethnic food they’re currently shoving into their face.
‘I zipped my junk up in my fly…wanna see??’
/no one wants to see…ever
Let me set the record straight:
I thought… the cop… was a prostitute. [nods reassuringly].
KPFLAWA!
I had to meet my sponsor.
(Have none of you ever been to court ordered A.A.?)
My child has swine flu.
HAHAHA U BASTARDS!
what the shit? who took my kid presentable name???
DIE COCKFUCKER!
Other KP — I like your moxie and Drew-like way with words, but I’ve been using this name here for 2+ years now. Perhaps we can resolve this peacefully (it’s actually the second time this has happened).
Didn’t we have to go over xxxx when everyone is available? I think we meet on that next week.
Shrinkage, “I was in the POOL!!!!”
/Seinfeld’d
My pet died and I’m in mourning.
/fuck you PETA
I was dead at the time.
/Izzard’d
Sorry baby, I can’t really see where I’m aiming it when we’re doing doggy.
(has worked several times already.)
“I’m not gay… but I can learn”
She might not have been 18, but I definitely wasn’t her first lay. If it wasn’t gonna be me, she’d just pick someone else.
I was with Kato Kaelin
Oh man the immitation Kid P already took it. Sorry.
It was like that when I got here.
/Homer’d
lunchlady doris was greasing me up.
what the shit? who took my kid presentable name???
DIE COCKFUCKER!
I coach a softball team and I used to use their games on Saturdays to get out of parties for co-workers/other people I don’t like
The client on this deal is just really difficult.
You can stretch a two hour project into a week with that excuse.
My O-line can’t block for crap.
Peyton’d
“…and that’s when the C.H.U.D.s came at me”
There’s a new zombie map on COD5.
My dog ate it
Child Please!
Listen, you’ll have to excuse me. I have a lunch meeting with Cliff Huxtable at the Four Seasons in 20 minutes.
Bitch set me up!
Turf toe
It’s my first day.
I spent half the morning burying the cat.
NO! It was…A GHOST!! A Big spooky ghost! With the ectoplasm……
“I must have been in a dead zone — I never got that call/text/voicemail.”
– Works like a charm. It helps to live in the middle of nowhere where dead zones do exist. But I can ignore ANYTHING just by saying that. Also helps if you hang up on people mid call around your place every once in awhile and blame the weird “dead spot” in your apartment.
That’s not blood, that’s tomato juice.
I’m retarded.
“I’m being arraigned for a three-some I had in St. Louis…They totally looked 18!?”
Matt, Abbott’s Nubb, Broncos Fan – “I have to return some videotapes” is probably the #1 best excuse in the history of film.
I was going to use “What do you think I am? I’m not a mind reader.” but who am I kidding. When has that one EVER worked for me?
A buddy of mine uses this as a legit excuse all the time…its now an inside joke
“I’ve got laundry to do”
I’m diabetic and was pretty much comatosed. The best part is a professor nearly failed me after this happened. Granted this was the same bitch who thought my step mother passing away was funny and laughed in my face as I told her. Goddamn do I hope this woman has an awful death.
My prostate is the size of a grapefruit.
I was in prison
/increasingly plausible in the NFL
The dog told me to kill her.
/Son of Sam’d
//how meta
I have family in town.
Obligatory Blues Brothers:
http://www.movieweb.com/video/HUdYslejadeUgh
I had a doctor’s appointment I forgot to tell you about.
I was tired from staying up all night fucking your mother. – Thurman Thomas
“I was just getting around to that” or its relative…”It was next on my To-Do List”
Can finish it off with, “so if you can leave me alone(fill in time frame needed)…”
Sorry, I’ve got a sports hernia.
the black guy did it
Oh, whooops. Wrong hole.
I have to go return some videotapes.
I think my balls were shrinking so I went to see a doctor to ease my fears.
(I’ve pulled this one off at 3 diff jobs, all bosses were male.)
What? Fuck you! What?
I was at the flower shop.
Yep, gettin drunk at the old flower shop.
I was up all night studying and overslept. Seriously I didn’t mean to show up two hours late for my econ final!!!
Actually used this one in college, but it happened to actually be true. Professor was cool and let me take the exam in his office once I calmed down.
She got fat.
I actually had a student bring in his summons and arrest reports once. ‘I been in trouble. See.’
Cellphone battery was out of juice.
I asked Judy to get me those numbers 3 weeks ago!
Off the record? I think she’s starting to slip a little bit.
Corollary to waiting for the repairman – waiting for a delivery. Furniture, important package, medication. Anything that has to be signed for or require someone at the house.
Seriously can’t believe these have all dropped this far in the draft.
“Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they’re huge! They’re ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!”
Uhmmmmm? It’s my first day.
I was baroning the land.
Migraine. (Here’s the part that puts you over the top): I’m taking my migraine medication now, so HOPEFULLY I’ll be in in a few hours.
(Anyone who actually expects you to drag your ass in with a migraine is a world class cock rubber.
I was soooooo baked. Sorry, dude.
The wi-fi wasn’t comped in my comped hotel room with my comped coffee.
Half the family’s dead, the other half is pregnant.
Klinger’d
Thats never happened before!
I had a thing.
/can’t believe no one’s taken this yet
You told me I needed to meet some new people.
After she fixed my TV, I didn’t have any singles to tip her
Ben’d
I’m having a bad reaction to some new medication.
Did you see the traffic on the fucking 405? I left early and everything.
Fuck!