“Taking Woodstock” opens today. I guess it’s because it’s the 40th anniversary of the concert, or something like that. I don’t know, and I don’t give a crap. I’m gonna just go ahead and say it: There are only about five people on Earth who still care about Woodstock. The rest of us would like it to fade back into history now. Immediately. With no chance of reemergence.
I was sick of Woodstock twenty fucking years ago. Yet every five years or so, there’s a revival of Woodstock recordings and nostalgia that no one fucking asked for. It’s always like, “Really? We’re doing the Woodstock thing AGAIN? Jesus.” Are you excited at all to once again comb through this dusty attic? Fuck and no. Everyone who was at that show is either dead or should be. I get it. It was a happening. Hendrix played the anthem. The Who kicked ass. Santana played two whole songs. That’s all fine and dandy. But let’s take a look at some of the performers from that festival, who far outnumber the Janis Joplins that were in attendance:
Country Joe McDonald
Incredible String Band
Country Joe & The Fish
Sha Na Na
Blown away yet? I’m not even talking about the supposedly great bands who were there whose music has become utterly insufferable since the advent of BETTER music, like Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. Do any of you EVER need to hear a song from that fucking band ever again? A CSNY song has all the energy of a Cleveland Browns mini-camp.
Old 60’s music is about as relevant now as the Glen Miller dogshit my grandparents used to listen to. That’s what CSN is now. It’s grandpa music. It’s elevator music. It’s “Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree”. It’s ASS. Nothing by Canned Heat deserves to be immortalized and revisited over and over again. Ever. So please, Woodstock, GO THE FUCK AWAY. Take your rightful place in history’s bin of odds and ends, alongside the 1904 World’s Fair. And to you cancer-ridden baby boomers: stop bludgeoning us all with your dated, shitty, horrible music. Besides, everyone knows the Monterey Pop Festival was better.
So, in honor of that little tirade, let’s banish pop culture moments from the historical record. Pick any moment in the history of popular culture. The advent of a TV show. The release of an album. A tabloid scandal. Anything. We’re playing it fast and loose here. Just try and avoid actual historic events, like 9/11 and such. I’m talking strictly about fluffy stuff: concerts, movies, etc. And please, try and be specific. Don’t pick some all-encompassing thing like “all reality TV shows!” That’s stupid.
Pick one thing, then wait ten picks for the next selection. Anything you pick will be vacated from the history books, as if it were coached by John Calipari. Now go. GO!
I want more like this!
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