Wade: My, oh my. Look at this new stadium! Hoo wee! I gotta hand it to the Big Feller. Gotta hand it to him. This new place is a peach!

(settles into new desk chair)

Ooh, listen to the hiss of that leather! I feel like I’m sittin’ inside a brand new Cadillac. If only my Daddy could see me now! These are the kind of days where I feel honored and privileged to be the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Yessir, thick and thin, I dare say that a work space like this is downright INSPIRING. I feel inspired! Haven’t felt that way in ages.

Let’s put in some tape and whip up some new schemes. I wanna give these people a show! Let me just get the ol’ Smartfood bag here.

(opens bag of popcorn)

Mmmmm… popcorn. Hey, what the…

(door flies open)

Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWW!!!!! WAHOOOOO! YEEHAWWW!!! WELCOME TO THE HOUSE THAT THE DOUBLE GODDAMN J BUILT, PORK BOY! Did you see what my boy ROMO did to those Tennessee faggots? In MY new goddamn stadium?! How’d you like that, Awesome Blossom?!

Wade: It certainly is a nice facility, sir.

Jerry: Facility? This ain’t no facility, Tubby. It’s a JEWEL! A 50-carat jewel dangling from Tixas’ tit! Think about the kind of INTERNATIONAL PUSSY this place is gonna draw in! Holy shit! They’re gonna have to mop the walls of my luxury box when I show Susan Skaggs the minibar! Let me show you some things around this new place, Slob Roberts! Look at this!

(shows Wade the art)

Wade: Wow.

Jerry: Impressive, ain’t it? I hired a bunch of faggot artists to make me some faggot art! Steve Wynn can stick that in his gaping Vegas ASSHOLE! You show me another goddamn stadium in the league that has classy shit like this! And look at this, Doughboy! Gen-you-ine pigskin barstool cushions, made from actual Cowboy game balls! Your fat ass can come and sit down right on a Sherman Williams 2 yard gain! And look at this! GLASS!

Wade: That sure is a lot of glass, sir.

Jerry: IT’S A FUCKLOAD OF GLASS, CHUBCRAWLER! Nobody’s gonna outglass me. This joint has 400 times more glass than those faggots down in Houston! And look at the promenade! I didn’t even know that was a word until the faggot architect told me about it. THAT’S CLASS! It’s… it’s like a REALLY NICE CELL PHONE! One of them fancy Vertu ones that I buy my mistresses for a gift when I don’t wanna fuck them anymore!

Wade: That’s very classy, sir.

Jerry: That’s not all, Tubbarino! You like this office? Chair WIDE enough for you, Hamazon? Well, every chair here is that wide! And we’ve got a special team training table open any time you need it! Plus a pool, shower, sauna, steam bath, and massage tables with little Jap girls! THEY RUB YOUR COCK AT THE END! If they can find yours, Button Dick!

Wade: Well, that all sounds wonderful, sir. I’m excited to work in it. Although some people have brought one very small detail to my attention that you may need to be aware of.

Jerry: Oh? And what’s that, Fatty?

Wade: Well sir, some of the punters were warming up and…

Jerry: YOU BRING UP THAT FUCKING VIDEO BOARD AND I WILL BURN DOWN THE CHURRO STAND AND FORCE YOU TO WATCH, YOU FUCKING FAT SHIT!

Wade: Sir, don’t get me wrong. The stadium is flawless.

Jerry: It’s a fucking JEWEL, you fucking gumball! It’s a bright, shining jewel that announces Dallas as a center of world culture and classiness! AND IT’S GONNA GET MY WHORE OF A WIFE IN ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST FOR ONCE! Finally, that bitch will be happy! That video board is there for entertainment value! ENTERTAINMENT VALUE, FATTY! Any punter who hits it is just TRYING TO EMBARRASS THE DOUBLE GODDAMN J!

Wade: Sir, they weren’t trying to hit it. They were just trying to…

Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up! You shut up, you talking fat man! I can’t hear you! La la la la la! The stadium is perfect and I don’t EVER want to hear you say otherwise! You clear, John Candy?

Wade: Sir, I think it be simple enough to just raise the board 30 feet or so.

Jerry: Oh, you think it’s that simple, do you tubby? THE BOARD WEIGHS 600 TONS, WHICH IS NEARLY AS HEAVY AS YOUR LEFT TIT! It costs $2 million to raise it. You think I can afford that? I just paid $1.2 billion for this goddamn elephant! You gotta bring in cranes, and helicopters, and very large Danish men with big bulging arms to budge that thing a goddamn inch! Unless. UNLESS…

Wade: What?

Jerry: You stay right there, Fatass.

(leaves)

(door flies open)

(Enter Garrett and Jerry)

Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. A fine solution, sir.

Jerry: I thought you’d like it, Princeton Boy! Our punting issues are over!

Garrett: But could we perhaps get Jason Witten involved in it somehow? He’s got such a fine pedigree. Muffin and I had he and his wife over for cocktails and quiche just last week. They are of such good standing. I was considering sponsoring them for membership at the country club. They’d make a lovely addition.

Jerry: We don’t need Witten for this! Just get the tape measure.

Wade: Tape measure? What are you fellas up to?

Garrett: Hmm. Sixty-four inches in circumference. That should be just about right. I’m estimating a mass of at least 50 million kilograms. That should be enough, sir. He’d make a fine counterweight.

Jerry: Let’s get the cables.

Wade: Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute here.

Jerry: You shut your sausage hole, Fatty! You wanted the board raised. Well, congratulations. We’re gonna raise it, thank your fat ass! Now, we need a team of people to help hoist Baby Ruth up here.

Garrett: I have used my engineering degree from PRINCETON to calculate the counterweight precisely AND devise a hoisting mechanism. It’s a pulley. That’s a simple machine, sir!

Jerry: Okay, who are we gonna get?

(door gets thrown open and dragged an extra thirty yards)

MBIII: JERRY JONES! JERRY GODDAMN JONES, WHERE YOU AT, MOTHERFUCKER!

Jerry: Right here, Marion! Say, do you like the new stadium? It’s a goddamn JEWEL, ain’t it?

MBIII: Jewel? THIS DIAMOND DON’T SHINE FOR SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER! (puts Jerry in a Brazilian armbar)

Jerry: OW! FUCK!

MBIII: Jerry Jones, you listen to my ass RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I AIN’T LOSING NO GODDAMN GAME BECAUSE SOME BITCH ASS PUNTER KEPT HITTING SOME MOTHERFUCKING JUMBOTRON. YOU FIX THAT SHIT RIGHT. YOU HEAR ME, YOU PLASTIC-FACED FUCK?

Jerry: We were just discussing that, Marion!

Wade: Don’t listen to ‘em, Marion!

MBIII: SHUT UP, ASSHOLES! JUST SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP!

Wade: Yes, sir.

Jerry: We were just curious to know if you’d like to help us with the heavy lifting there, Marion. I’ll get you a free handjob if you play ball.

MBIII: FUCK YOUR HANDJOB, BITCH! MARION BARBER DON’T SETTLE FOR NO HANDJOB. ASS, TONGUE OR PUSSY FOR THIS MAN! AND HE DON’T LIFT SHIT IF HIS CONTRACT DON’T CALL FOR IT. YOU FIND SOMEONE TO LIFT THAT GODDAMN VIDEO BOARD, YOU FUCKING HICK MOTHERFUCKER! WE CLEAR?!

Jerry: Yes, Sir!

MBIII: FUCK ALL Y’ALL!

(leaves)

Jerry: Shit! Now who am I gonna get to lift up this fatass?

(door flies open)

Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Pacman be bitn dat puzzy wen sumbuddy say da Owna Man need help. Pacman down wid it. He lift dat fat bitch way up. Den he gon sit bak an watch hisself sum fukkin on dat big teevee. Pacman gon shine. And he gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. YOU THANK HE AIN’T GON DRANK? Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till da bitches get da switches. He gon bust dat puzzy like a melon. Spit out da seedz.

CHUH CHUH.

Jerry: Perfect!

Wade: I hate this place.

Jerry: YEEEEHAWWWW LIFT THAT FATTY TO THE GROUND AND GET MY JUMBOTRON UP WHERE IT BELONGS! THIS THE GREATEST FUCKING PUSSY PALACE EVER BUILT! WHOOO YEEHAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!