This New Place Is Nice. Almost TOO Nice.
Wade: My, oh my. Look at this new stadium! Hoo wee! I gotta hand it to the Big Feller. Gotta hand it to him. This new place is a peach!
(settles into new desk chair)
Ooh, listen to the hiss of that leather! I feel like I’m sittin’ inside a brand new Cadillac. If only my Daddy could see me now! These are the kind of days where I feel honored and privileged to be the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Yessir, thick and thin, I dare say that a work space like this is downright INSPIRING. I feel inspired! Haven’t felt that way in ages.
Let’s put in some tape and whip up some new schemes. I wanna give these people a show! Let me just get the ol’ Smartfood bag here.
(opens bag of popcorn)
Mmmmm… popcorn. Hey, what the…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWW!!!!! WAHOOOOO! YEEHAWWW!!! WELCOME TO THE HOUSE THAT THE DOUBLE GODDAMN J BUILT, PORK BOY! Did you see what my boy ROMO did to those Tennessee faggots? In MY new goddamn stadium?! How’d you like that, Awesome Blossom?!
Wade: It certainly is a nice facility, sir.
Jerry: Facility? This ain’t no facility, Tubby. It’s a JEWEL! A 50-carat jewel dangling from Tixas’ tit! Think about the kind of INTERNATIONAL PUSSY this place is gonna draw in! Holy shit! They’re gonna have to mop the walls of my luxury box when I show Susan Skaggs the minibar! Let me show you some things around this new place, Slob Roberts! Look at this!
(shows Wade the art)
Wade: Wow.
Jerry: Impressive, ain’t it? I hired a bunch of faggot artists to make me some faggot art! Steve Wynn can stick that in his gaping Vegas ASSHOLE! You show me another goddamn stadium in the league that has classy shit like this! And look at this, Doughboy! Gen-you-ine pigskin barstool cushions, made from actual Cowboy game balls! Your fat ass can come and sit down right on a Sherman Williams 2 yard gain! And look at this! GLASS!
Wade: That sure is a lot of glass, sir.
Jerry: IT’S A FUCKLOAD OF GLASS, CHUBCRAWLER! Nobody’s gonna outglass me. This joint has 400 times more glass than those faggots down in Houston! And look at the promenade! I didn’t even know that was a word until the faggot architect told me about it. THAT’S CLASS! It’s… it’s like a REALLY NICE CELL PHONE! One of them fancy Vertu ones that I buy my mistresses for a gift when I don’t wanna fuck them anymore!
Wade: That’s very classy, sir.
Jerry: That’s not all, Tubbarino! You like this office? Chair WIDE enough for you, Hamazon? Well, every chair here is that wide! And we’ve got a special team training table open any time you need it! Plus a pool, shower, sauna, steam bath, and massage tables with little Jap girls! THEY RUB YOUR COCK AT THE END! If they can find yours, Button Dick!
Wade: Well, that all sounds wonderful, sir. I’m excited to work in it. Although some people have brought one very small detail to my attention that you may need to be aware of.
Jerry: Oh? And what’s that, Fatty?
Wade: Well sir, some of the punters were warming up and…
Jerry: YOU BRING UP THAT FUCKING VIDEO BOARD AND I WILL BURN DOWN THE CHURRO STAND AND FORCE YOU TO WATCH, YOU FUCKING FAT SHIT!
Wade: Sir, don’t get me wrong. The stadium is flawless.
Jerry: It’s a fucking JEWEL, you fucking gumball! It’s a bright, shining jewel that announces Dallas as a center of world culture and classiness! AND IT’S GONNA GET MY WHORE OF A WIFE IN ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST FOR ONCE! Finally, that bitch will be happy! That video board is there for entertainment value! ENTERTAINMENT VALUE, FATTY! Any punter who hits it is just TRYING TO EMBARRASS THE DOUBLE GODDAMN J!
Wade: Sir, they weren’t trying to hit it. They were just trying to…
Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up! You shut up, you talking fat man! I can’t hear you! La la la la la! The stadium is perfect and I don’t EVER want to hear you say otherwise! You clear, John Candy?
Wade: Sir, I think it be simple enough to just raise the board 30 feet or so.
Jerry: Oh, you think it’s that simple, do you tubby? THE BOARD WEIGHS 600 TONS, WHICH IS NEARLY AS HEAVY AS YOUR LEFT TIT! It costs $2 million to raise it. You think I can afford that? I just paid $1.2 billion for this goddamn elephant! You gotta bring in cranes, and helicopters, and very large Danish men with big bulging arms to budge that thing a goddamn inch! Unless. UNLESS…
Wade: What?
Jerry: You stay right there, Fatass.
(leaves)
(door flies open)
(Enter Garrett and Jerry)
Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. A fine solution, sir.
Jerry: I thought you’d like it, Princeton Boy! Our punting issues are over!
Garrett: But could we perhaps get Jason Witten involved in it somehow? He’s got such a fine pedigree. Muffin and I had he and his wife over for cocktails and quiche just last week. They are of such good standing. I was considering sponsoring them for membership at the country club. They’d make a lovely addition.
Jerry: We don’t need Witten for this! Just get the tape measure.
Wade: Tape measure? What are you fellas up to?
Garrett: Hmm. Sixty-four inches in circumference. That should be just about right. I’m estimating a mass of at least 50 million kilograms. That should be enough, sir. He’d make a fine counterweight.
Jerry: Let’s get the cables.
Wade: Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute here.
Jerry: You shut your sausage hole, Fatty! You wanted the board raised. Well, congratulations. We’re gonna raise it, thank your fat ass! Now, we need a team of people to help hoist Baby Ruth up here.
Garrett: I have used my engineering degree from PRINCETON to calculate the counterweight precisely AND devise a hoisting mechanism. It’s a pulley. That’s a simple machine, sir!
Jerry: Okay, who are we gonna get?
(door gets thrown open and dragged an extra thirty yards)
MBIII: JERRY JONES! JERRY GODDAMN JONES, WHERE YOU AT, MOTHERFUCKER!
Jerry: Right here, Marion! Say, do you like the new stadium? It’s a goddamn JEWEL, ain’t it?
MBIII: Jewel? THIS DIAMOND DON’T SHINE FOR SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER! (puts Jerry in a Brazilian armbar)
Jerry: OW! FUCK!
MBIII: Jerry Jones, you listen to my ass RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I AIN’T LOSING NO GODDAMN GAME BECAUSE SOME BITCH ASS PUNTER KEPT HITTING SOME MOTHERFUCKING JUMBOTRON. YOU FIX THAT SHIT RIGHT. YOU HEAR ME, YOU PLASTIC-FACED FUCK?
Jerry: We were just discussing that, Marion!
Wade: Don’t listen to ‘em, Marion!
MBIII: SHUT UP, ASSHOLES! JUST SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP!
Wade: Yes, sir.
Jerry: We were just curious to know if you’d like to help us with the heavy lifting there, Marion. I’ll get you a free handjob if you play ball.
MBIII: FUCK YOUR HANDJOB, BITCH! MARION BARBER DON’T SETTLE FOR NO HANDJOB. ASS, TONGUE OR PUSSY FOR THIS MAN! AND HE DON’T LIFT SHIT IF HIS CONTRACT DON’T CALL FOR IT. YOU FIND SOMEONE TO LIFT THAT GODDAMN VIDEO BOARD, YOU FUCKING HICK MOTHERFUCKER! WE CLEAR?!
Jerry: Yes, Sir!
MBIII: FUCK ALL Y’ALL!
(leaves)
Jerry: Shit! Now who am I gonna get to lift up this fatass?
(door flies open)
Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Pacman be bitn dat puzzy wen sumbuddy say da Owna Man need help. Pacman down wid it. He lift dat fat bitch way up. Den he gon sit bak an watch hisself sum fukkin on dat big teevee. Pacman gon shine. And he gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. YOU THANK HE AIN’T GON DRANK? Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till da bitches get da switches. He gon bust dat puzzy like a melon. Spit out da seedz.
CHUH CHUH.
Jerry: Perfect!
Wade: I hate this place.
Jerry: YEEEEHAWWWW LIFT THAT FATTY TO THE GROUND AND GET MY JUMBOTRON UP WHERE IT BELONGS! THIS THE GREATEST FUCKING PUSSY PALACE EVER BUILT! WHOOO YEEHAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, hilarious design flaws, wade and jerry
August 25th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Football is back.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:29 am
It’s the extra thirty yards on the “door flies open”…. the little details that make it work. Brilliant.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:30 am
YES! I’d missed these so goddamn much.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Thank you BDD for yet another lofty installment of wade and jerry…
August 25th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Genius. Pure freaking genius.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:34 am
No! Not the churro stand!
Also, I know some people that live next to Bum Phillips in Goliad. Apparently he just drives around his land in a bigass bulldozer, just in case anything gets in his way. Not kidding.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:34 am
MBIII has been an inspired addition to the cast. Chuh chuh.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:34 am
You make laughing at my team completely acceptible. The MBIII KSKhracter is definitelty a keeper.
/Double J needs to raise that shit at least 30 feet
//He still thinks the publicity is worth it
August 25th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Punting’s for faggots anyways. YOU GO FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN IN TIXASS!
August 25th, 2009 at 10:40 am
That, I dare say, was quasi-awesome.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:44 am
The first of many to come this season got us off to a rocking start.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:49 am
There are just too many quality characters in Dallas. If they ever trade for Rivers/Laserface and or Rongrastname (both?) and play the Patriots all in the same game…I think the KSKuniverse would errupt in awesomeness.
/wishful thinking
//wishful praying
August 25th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Like 90% of American dollars, 90% of the game ball barstools are tainted with the cocaine snorted by Quincy Carter, Bob Hayes, “Hollywood” Henderson and Michael Irvin.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Clearly the best solution is to drop the field 30 feet.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:12 am
MBIII: SHUT UP, ASSHOLES! JUST SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP!
For some reason, this is comedic gold. Timing: Perfect.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Oh Double-J, how I’ve missed you.
/wipes away single tear
August 25th, 2009 at 11:19 am
I think the MNF theme should be on autoplay preceding a new Wade and Jerry. It’s that epic.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Yes, the footballs hitting that giant screen were amusing. Footballs flying through the air in a football stadium. Go figure.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Sadly, this feature did a lot in convincing me to draft MBIII in my fantasy league this weekend.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:27 am
MBIII has some anger issues. I so want to see him put a linebacker in a Brazillian armbar just once though.
“BRIAN URLACHER! WHERE YOU AT, MOTHERFUCKER!”
August 25th, 2009 at 11:35 am
wait wait wait, i can sit on actual Cowboys game ball seats? where’s the one from when Romo fucked up the field goal?
August 25th, 2009 at 11:35 am
spit out da seedz. fucking priceless.
+3 BDD.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Can’t Michael Irvin just attempt to stab off the bottom thirty feet of the screen with scissors?
August 25th, 2009 at 11:48 am
boobs.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I eagerly await Wade’s epic vengenance after Double J fires his ass when the Cowgirls miss the playoffs this year.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:53 am
This will never get old. Even if Wade isn’t the coach anymore, I’m sure JJ will pop up anywhere just to yell at him with a full entourage in tow.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Good lord, it’s even better than I imagined it could be.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
That stadium’s about as classy as Mindy Collette’s bridal shower.
/Landing Strip’d
August 25th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Between “(door gets thrown open and dragged an extra thirty yards)” and “MARION BARBER DON’T SETTLE FOR NO HANDJOB.” I have a new favorite KSKharacter. That and few coworkers who are now wondering what the hell I’m on for sitting in my office snickering every time I think of that.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Store full of district bosses here, wondering why I’m laughing so hard… bravo boys.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
MARION BARBER DON’T SETTLE FOR NO HANDJOB. ASS, TONGUE OR PUSSY FOR THIS MAN!
if he prefers it in that order he’s probably submitted a question to the sexbag.
/starts OrificeFlaWa?
August 25th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Fact: Marion Barber is a badass.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
This…this post has brought me out of my two years of silence. You, sir, are fucking brilliant and football is better off because of you. You and dick jokes.
*door flies open*
/heart flies open
August 25th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Muffin Garrett is hot!
August 25th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I heart Marion Barber III. Three times better is an accurate descriptor. YEEHAW!
August 25th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
[laptop flies open]
i dont know it was done, but this makes football 10 MILLION GODDAMN TIMES BETTER.
no easy feat, ksk’ers. much like inglourious basterds, well done.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
cowboys stadium RESPECTS THE SUN
“Watching football and sunlight? Together? I dunno if I can abide by that.”
August 25th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Thank you jesus. Pacman sealed the deal on this one… oh too good.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
about halfway through I was thinking to myself “I really hope Pacman gets involved with this” and sure as shit, there he is.
KS don’t need no pre-season, it’s in fine form already!
(BTW – will we see God breaking down the Weeks of the season this year?)
August 25th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
WHOOO YEEHAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!
*******
Truer words were never spoken.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Do we have any video of the faggot Architect being dragged out of his luxury suite by the Cowboy Gestapo 22 seconds after that punt hit the video board?
August 25th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
The door hinges must be state-of-the-art at the new stadium.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Thank you Drew. I really needed this today.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Smartfood popcorn and DRANK. Soooo how’d you know what I had for lunch?
/ABABABABABA
August 25th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
thank you.
but what are we gonna do when the double goddamn j fires wades fat ass after this season. can jerry talk to cowher or holmgren like that?
/now i’m off to bust dat puzzy like a melon. Spit out da seedz.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
O HE GON DRANK. YOU THANK HE AIN’T GON DRANK?
/drankin’
August 25th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
I just thinking the other day I needed to read “pacman gon drank”. Thank you KSK, you succeed where my day fails so often.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
In lieu of “large Danish men with big bulging arms” maybe JJ could hire the entire clan O’Sullivan to hoist said artifice.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
/sniffle
I’m just so happy right now
/wipes tear from eye
August 25th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Buy the NFL team with the highest visibility and earning potential. Check.
Fuck it up. Check
Make yourself the head evaluator of talent instead of hiring someone with experience. Check.
Fuck it up. Check.
Build the most lavish, expensive and obnoxious stadium in the NFL to date. Check.
Fuck it up. Check.
/as a Giants fan, I am always happy when Ol’ Double J is making the decisions. Between him, Danny Boy and Raggedy Fat Andy, is it any wonder the Giants have been to 2 SBs in the last 10 seasons, and those 3 combined have been to one.
August 25th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
How’s the coffee at the new stadium? Peter King was asking me this in a text message just recently …
August 25th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
THE BOARD WEIGHS 600 TONS, WHICH IS NEARLY AS HEAVY AS YOUR LEFT TIT!
I need to use a variation of that soon.
/dick joke
August 25th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
excellent post, and i’m looking forward to how Jason Witten and especially Felix Jones get incorporated into the Cowboys cast. Its gonna be a fact that Felix Jones takes some glory away from MBIII, so lets see what hijinks spawn from this.
August 25th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Damn….I hate the Cowboys as much as the next guy, but that was some seriously unfunny shit, right there.
Too long with no coherent humor involved.
1/10.
August 25th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Must be football season. Thank you for this.
August 25th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
A friend of mine went to the same high school as MBIII. I asked him if he ever hung out with him and my friend said no, but that they had a language lab together, and Marion would put on the telemarketing headphones and mic for whatever Rosetta Stone shit they used and then say MAYDAY MAYDAY GOING DOWN GOING DOWN and making sound effects like some Japs had shot down his p51 over Coral Sea and it made me like him even more than I already did.
August 25th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Somehow this seems like the actual conversation when those dumb fucks in little D would have over Jerry’s big TV.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
*applauds*
I just about died when Pacman showed up.
August 25th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
“’til da bitches get da switches”.
I think I just did 300 sit-ups laughing so hard.
CHUH CHUH…
August 26th, 2009 at 10:47 am
haha, Pacman was the best. YOU THANK HE AIN’ GON DRANK???
can we get another episode with Goth Aaron Rodgers?
August 26th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
“Chubcrawler” and “Hamazon” are going directly into my fatty-insult lexicon- right next to “Flabalanche” and “Harvey Milkshake”. Thank you for the new vocab, you fat fuck.
Also, I’m in San Francisco on business right now and the locals don’t think “Harvey Milkshake” is nearly as funny as I do.
August 26th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
So can Pacman please stick around all season? Like he’s not fully aware he’s no longer a member of the team anymore and he just keeps popping in anytime JJ needs something. Because on some level you know he’s that delusional. Just saying.