“That Improvident Lackwit? Always Too Busy Stridin’ About His Land Barony to Call His Own Mother”
[Phone rings]
Bonita Favre: Yellah?
Cris Carter: Hello.
Bonita Favre: Dis the man from the county?
Cris Carter: No, ma’am. This is Cris Carter calling from ESPN.
Bonita Favre: ESPN with the county?
Cris Carter: I’m not a government employee, Mrs. Favre.
Bonita Favre: Figures. I been asking them to get their spirit chasers down here to clear my property for nigh on 35 years and ain’t heard but nothing. So what is it you be wantin’ then?
Cris Carter: I’m calling in regards to your son. There have been reports that he is going to sign a one-year contract with the Minnesota Vikings.
Bonita Favre: Well knowing Brett, he’s probably lying.
Cris Carter: Do you know what for a fact?
Bonita Favre: Fact? HA! Hell, son, I know Brett. I birthed me a liar, knowned it since he asked for right tit and bit the left. That boy loves him some tall tales, boy howdy. There was this one time he and the minister’s boy, they got it into their heads that they was gonna skip Sunday School to go round the fishing hole. ‘Course it didn’t take minister long to realize his own son wasn’t around the church. They caught up with them boys and guess what that rascally son of a gun Brett told him?
Cris Carter: So, do you know if he signed with the Vikings or not?
Bonita Favre: Brett said, “Father, the good Lord came to me in my breakfast cereal and he told me ‘go have fun out there.’ And that’s what I was aiming to do. Now, you could find cause to punish me, but in the end, you’d only be countermanding the will of our Lord.
Cris Carter: Uh huh. I really only need to confirm this story with you.
Bonita Favre: What a yarn that was! ‘Course Brett did catch four fish that day and even left one of them under a pew. OOOO-WEEE! Made that place stink to high Heaven.
Cris Carter: GODDAMMIT YOU ASS-BACKWARDS DRIED OUT OLD BIDDY, DON’T YOU KNOW I’M FROM THE PROJECTS! You know what? Fuggit. We’re already stalking his car by plane and satelitte photography. There, okay, good, I’ve heard we got a visual.
Bonita Favre: Oh, just relax a lil’, would ya? You media folk are so simple. He told me he wanted to go to the Vikings ever since before he ever left Green Bay. Fact is, he gonna be starting the end of this week.
Cris Carter: Who would you know that?
Bonita Favre: You think me boy would ever keep something from me?
Cris Carter: But you just called him a liar.
Bonita Favre: Is you thick or something? Now get one of them men from the county to call me back. There’s apparitions all about!
Tags: Cris Carter, F--K YOU BRETT FAVRE'S MOM, gratuitous simpsons references, Hey Bonita...Glad to Meet Ya, xmas ape
August 18th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I birthed me a liar, knowned it since he asked for right tit and bit the left.
That’ll do, Ape.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
what a grand day
August 18th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Oh hooeeyyy booooyyyy! New Kharachter!
August 18th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Lofty sketch. True sketch.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
needs a touch more moonshine and meth manufacturing, but, yeah nice one Ape
August 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
“since he asked for right tit and bit the left.”
How many times will I repeat that this season – 10? 20?
August 18th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
“Hey Bonita…Glad to Meet Ya”
That song is about Q-Tip trying to hit on Brittfar’s mom. True story.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I have to wait until 7:05 for Brewers/Pirates?
BUT I WANT IT NOW!
August 18th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
This is a great site that you have here. I just started a site myself where you can discuss sports 24/7. Check it out when you get the chance and let me know what you think. Maybe we can do a link exchange. Take care. Jason
August 18th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Oh, hello Mater. Sorry about jerking every sports fan around for a long-ass time. Who could have known that I’d change my mind and play…for..another…five…miserable…years?
August 18th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
the question now is, who is brittfar gonna play for next year?
August 18th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@Jason: YO DAWG I HERD U LIKE WEBSITES SO I PUT A LINK IN MY LINK SO YOU CAN SURF WHILE YOU SURF
August 18th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Carter forgot to ask Bonita what Brett thinks of Hilary Clinton.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
+1 to StuScottBooyahs
August 18th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Okay, everyone HAS to check out Jason’s website. All of the posts consist of him copying and pasting the first few lines of a player’s bio from wikipedia. The real comedy is in his self-posted comments, though.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I’m sure Bonita remembers what it was like to have your land worked by other folks that you didn’t have to pay for and couldn’t leave.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@Jason, check this out from the right side of the site
“hey sports bloggers!
KSK is a humor site dedicated solely to the NFL. Have you written something about another sport that you think we should see? Fuck off.”
August 18th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
“According to Wikipedia.com, ‘Brett Favre is a land baron from the duchy of Mississippi and is revered for being the greatest gunslinger in the NFL histories. He has shot his opponents 464 times while shooting his own team in the foot 310 times’”
Discuss Brett Favre’s future gunslinging’ here.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
“Countermanding”
Really?
August 18th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Check out the vigorous debate between Brad and Sal, only on THE SPORTS MONARCH.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
@StuScott: Jason is Brad! Brad is Jason! Einhorn is Finkle?
August 18th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Will someone check on Drew to see if he’s OK?
August 18th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
How many of you wish that picture of Favre getting out of the SUV was a level in the old Silent Scope snipe game?
August 18th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I need need need another Brittfar post. Daggum.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Real question is, who is the chick getting out of the back seat?
August 18th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
“I just called to say I don’t love you. You are a bad son, Montell…”
@Drew: YOU shouldn’t have gone away on vacation.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Who is this other Kid Presentable about these parts?!
And please more Bonita Favre … plus she speaks way more coherently than Brittfar and his butt-sugar.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
sportsmonarch.com is full of insightful info! Thanks Jason. Good to know that “Mike Vick returning the NFL has stirred up a lot of controversy and debate” and “Tom Brady is an American football quarterback for the New England Patriots of the National Football League.” Can’t wait for the scoop on the Land Baron.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Is Drew drunk yet? Drunk with rage?
Maj better get over to his house to check on him.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Wow. You can now discuss sports 24/7? What a world.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
SonofSpam +1 conga line
August 18th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Thank you KSKommenters for making a shitfer day MUCH more funnay! +everything to everyone
Jason,…brah?
August 18th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Jason=a man?
August 18th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
@Cheziv: PK will also accept “You can now discuss sports 24/7? Only in America.”
August 18th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I love that Deanna Favre has to fucking shlep around pretending to be happy wherever her drug addicted flake husband goes. I can’t wait to see the final train wreck.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
You have to stake the creature through the heart, then burn the body, put the ashes in to a bag, and throw the bag into a fast-running river. People always forget about the last part. Staking a Favrpire will only immobilize it for a brief period. It will rise again.
August 18th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Thank you Leigh! I knew I forgot a step or two!
August 18th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Hey, peeps! Check out my website http://www.wannabuyavanloadofweed?.com. Holla!
August 19th, 2009 at 1:00 am
According to Wikipedia.org Jason’s website consists of him quoting Wikipedia entirely too much, in an effort to let his visitors be aware of basic, well-known facts about popular sports figures.
August 19th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
According to Jason’s wiki site Marvin Harrison is a “wide receiver” for a “pro football” team named the “Colts”. I dunno..sounds fishy to me