SEXY FRIDAY: Mort’s ‘Other’ Reports From The Bus
On July 30th of this year, ESPN dispatched noted NFL reporter Chris Mortensen on a 21-city tour of the league’s training camps. However, ESPN news personnel soon discovered that Mortensen was also conducting reports for another media outlet, one that currently remains unknown at this time. ESPN seized the written reports and images immediately, with the intention of reviewing them for disciplinary action after Mortensen’s bus tour has been concluded. No one outside of the highest-ranking executives for the network has read the reports or seen the images from this alternative set of reporting. Until now.
July 30th: Chris Mortensen is reporting that there is a bus behind him. This bus, Mort explains, is the most lavish vehicle that has ever been in his charge, and admits that he’ll have a difficult time keeping his journalistic principles in check during the trip. “This is ESPN’s Chris Mortensen, reporting in front of my new 18-wheeled passport into the panties of women in 21 different NFL cities.” That it is, Mort. That it is.
August 4th: Mort visits Green Bay and has a delightful encounter with Darlene, a waitress at a nearby diner. “”Titletown doesn’t have the same level of talent that I’ve seen in Dallas , Tennessee, and Atlanta,” Mort tells us. “I thought they were going in full pads today, but turns out they’re just a beefy lot up here.” Mort and Darlene reportedly reached a deal. Terms were not disclosed.
August 6th: Mort’s bus rolls into Bourbonnais, Illinois for Bears camp. While looking for directions, Mort meets Kelli (with an “i”), an spohomore-to-be at Olivet Nazarene and, according to anonymous reports within the school, a very bad girl. Kelli tells Mort that Bourbonnais is located squarely within Kankakee County, and proposes that Mort gather some of the Bears together for a Kankakee-kkake. Mort leaves immediately, hoping to confirm the county’s whimsical name with a second source.
August 8th: Allen Park, Michigan, a town deader than the flying wedge or VHS format, but Mort manages to find life in Lions camp with Lisa, a PR intern responsible for distributing press releases to working media present in camp. Mort repays Lisa the favor with a release of his own.
August 10th: Mort finds himself in Latrobe, Pennsylvania with Kim, a 27-year-old lifeguard at a nearby community pool. Mort responds to Kim’s taunts of Steelers domination in the recent Super Bowl by proposing “one for the taint.” Kim is down with it.
Chris Mortensen reported that copious amounts of ass was there to be had, but that it was still too early to declare a clear favorite. Preseason, after all, is about getting reps for the younger people and sharpening skills for the veterans. Only one side can come out on top at the end of the campaign, Mort says. Here’s hoping that Mort gets a few more miles out of that bus before it’s time for the grind of a new NFL season.
Tags: chris mortensen, ESPN, I like the part where he fooled around with girls, jeez punter that's just wrong, MMP
August 14th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Best post ever.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
That’s fantastic.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
you’re gonna get suuuuuuuuued!!!
thanks for the bangbus pics. i see i’ve missed a couple episodes and need to get a “grip” on the situation.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Holy f’ing shit, that was amazing. (insert witty joke here)
August 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
/slow clap
The Punte signature on the last pic was a particularly deft touch.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
jeez punter that’s just… sexy?
Good lord that was fantastic.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
yeah, I can’t exactly linger over this entry while I’m at work, but just after spending five second glancing at the pics I can’t stop laughing, especially at that last one.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
holy shit punte you’re going to get sued. Did you photoshop the last pic to say PUNTE right above the girl with her slutty vag hanging out?
August 14th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Does Mort do the cackle laugh too?
August 14th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I’m pretty sure you can’t sue for blatant satire.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Perfectly executed
August 14th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
oh, and i’d love to have freaky, unprotected, monkey sex with that second chick.
that is all.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I think Mortensen actually seems more at home in this context. If he only had a half rack of ribs balanced on that girls back and was covered in barbecue sauce, he’d look perfectly at home.
Nice touch with the ESPN logo on the tits, btw.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
holy shit punte you’re going to get sued. Did you photoshop the last pic to say PUNTE right above the girl with her slutty vag hanging out?
Right… photoshop… that’s it…
August 14th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
fuck you and your technicalities 85, what a fucking nerd
August 14th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
@QLJ: Relax champ, it was a joke. If I have to explain it, it becomes even less funny.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
@85 – I got the joke. It was good.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
that is just incredible……
August 14th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Lofty post.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
It’s funny because Punte didn’t photoshop his name, he signed it in ink.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
You forgot the part where Jay Glazer banged each chick a half hour before Mort did.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
And there I was hoping those pics would never surface. Damnit Mort, you promised me!
August 14th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
That was great. It’s amazing how ripped Mort got before hollowing out that third chick. The signature was also a nice touch there punte.
/creates mental note to visit bangbus tonight
//DOT COOMMMM hehehehe
August 14th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
POOSY MONSTA!
August 14th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Is that John Clayton about to get rimmed in the third picture?
August 14th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
You should see the look on the student’s face filling out his registration form in my office. This made the hell that is late registration worth it.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
@ Jim U.
Fantastic.
August 14th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Totally fucking awesome and so right!
August 14th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Was I the only one who even read the post? Because “Kankakee-kkake” made me cry.
August 14th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
So does that mean Punte was picked up by the Mort Bang Bus and got to sign the roof while riding Mort?
August 14th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
The look on Mort’s face in the 2nd to last photo is priceless….I take that back……they’re all priceless.
August 14th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Those sluts are too old for Ryan Huff.
August 14th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Solid work there, Punte. Now we can see why Mort’s “reports” from training camp involve no fucking information whatsoever, and is basically just endless shots from his fucking bus.
August 14th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
so who gets to be the guy who stays off camera and says YEAH DUDE as Mort… finishes? I nominate Madden
August 14th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
@ Jim U.
That means that Adam Schefter hit that the day before
August 14th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
That’s exactly how I pictured the happenings on that bus. While else would Mort roll in a bus when other lofty NFL guys fly everywhere.
It also explains why Mort is always days/hours late to report a breaking NFL story. And by late, I mean, repeating what Jay Glazer just reported.
/this post was quasi-lofty
August 14th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
As a resident of Kankakee County, I can tell you that no one here looks like that.
August 14th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Honestly at a glance the first one looked so good I almost shat myself…
Further examination was necessary.
August 14th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Thank goodness i didn’t get to this one today at work. Fantastic Punte, fan-fugu-tastic!!!
August 14th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Best thing to happen to buses since Tourgasm ended?
best thing to happen to buses since Tourgasm ended.
August 14th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Bra
Vo
August 14th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
“You forgot the part where Jay Glazer banged each chick a half hour before Mort did” – JIM U
We have a winner.
August 14th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
And here I always thought Mort was as gay as Brady Quinn. It turns out he does like women.
August 14th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Best Sexy Friday post of all time.
Punte? He’s the man.
August 15th, 2009 at 2:04 am
Just watched the San Francisco/Denver game … and boy am I glad I’m not a Denver fan right now. Orton threw for 3 interceptions.
August 15th, 2009 at 7:42 am
No report from Berea OH??!
The Browns fan must suck as bad as their team!
August 15th, 2009 at 9:12 am
This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.
August 15th, 2009 at 10:23 am
A Chris Mortensen/Bang Bus mash up. Great work Punte.
August 15th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I thought they were going in full pads today, but turns out they’re just a beefy lot up here.
Fat WI jokes never get old.
Solid stuff Punte, but I still maintain that you will never be able to top your Dr. Z piece.
August 15th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Thank god you didn’t have this idea a year and a half ago. I don’t think I could have recovered from the trauma of a photoshopped John Madden Bangbus. There are just some things one shouldn’t do with a Turducken leg.
“And see here I pull out and aim right for eye and then…BOOM!”
August 15th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Looks like Mort nailed my ex in Wisconsin ‘cept that’s not her body her head’s photoshopped on..
August 15th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Where’s T.O.?
August 15th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Punter, I think this may be your best work to date!
I’m glad I wasn’t only one thinking bang bus when I saw Morts bus.
August 15th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Jim U, that was some funny shit.
August 15th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
The guy on the left looks like he was on the bus too, probably filmed it!
August 16th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Holy shit, I was just out washing my truck and I intercepted Orton. If I get some blocking from KSKomenters we’ll turn it into a pick six!
August 16th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Having been born and raised in Bourbonnais, I can assure you, Olivet Nazarene girls DO NOT resemble the second girl at all.
They’re more pale, sexually repressed, and dowdy. Which makes it all that much more satisfying when you kick them out of the bus without paying them.
(Seriously, dancing is outlawed. It’s like Footloose in that craptown)