When we last left jelly-hoofed deer-murderer Peter King, he was contemplating staging a personal boycott of Westin Hotels after they screwed him out of a room. DID HE DARE FOLLOW THROUGH ON SUCH A DEVASTATING EMBARGO? We find out this week! It’s true! Hold onto your luggage!

You know, if it was ANYONE else besides Peter King, I’d have sympathy for someone getting hosed out of a hotel room late at night and then given wrong directions to a make-good hotel. That would suck if it happened to, like, my friend Jesse. But such is my disdain for Peter King that I will happily defend those against whom he has a justifiable gripe. What’s that? Peter was struck by a drunk driver running a red light? KEEP YOUR HEAD ON A SWIVEL, KING. YOU DUMBASS! When it comes to Peter King, rational sympathy goes right out the window.

Anyway, this week’s MMQB is shockingly short, but still plenty long on idiocy. Here we go.

Don’t get spoiled by the last two Mondays. I can’t keep up the pace of 7,200- and 9,000-word columns in the preseason.

You mean I’m not going to get TWO items bitching about Chicago travel each week? Well, that is just bullshit. I feel deprived already. Who’s going to alert me to stop-and-go traffic patterns on the Kennedy Expressway?

But there’s enough — from Dallas, Denver and Minnesota, and a stunningly bad list of prospective free agents when teams will have real money to spend in 2010 — to keep us all thinking this morning.

Or thinking about what we think. That’s the genius of Peter King. You never get the straight information from him. You must first go through the mental obstacle course he has erected, that he must first run each nascent thought through in his mind before committing fully to it: the wall, the knotted rope, the wading pool filled with Brett Favre’s ejaculate, and such and such.

In the category of “Strange Training Camp Interviews,” I bring you mine with Brandon Marshall in Denver the other day.

Marshall: “I can be happy playing football.”

CAN I HAVE YOUR GLOVES?

Me: “Here?”

Marshall: “I can be happy playing football.” (Wide smile.)

I SEE YOU’RE A VERY DARK MAN. DO YOU USE ENOUGH SUN PROTECTANT?

Me: “How do you like Josh McDaniels and his offense?”

Marshall: “I don’t know too much about either.”

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO PETE’S FOR COFFEE?! IT’S DELICIOUS. MUCH BETTER THAN STARRBUX.

Me: “Can you be productive even if you’re not happy?”

Marshall: “I’m going to be productive wherever I am. Somewhere.”

IS THAT SOMEWHERE MOBY DICK’S RESTAURANT IN DC? BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE I AM MOST HAPPY.

Me: “You’re never like this. Come on. Tell me something.”

AND GIVE ME YOUR GLOVES, GOD DAMMIT. HOW COME YOU NEVER ANSWER MY TEXTS?!

Marshall: (Wide smile. No comment.)

Unless the people I trust in the building are lying or don’t have the juice I think they have, Marshall, productive or unproductive, will stay in Denver all season.

And I believe it! Because given how tight Peter is with the Denver organization, he always know which way that organization is leaning, like when he said this on March 2nd:

Cutler, by the way, will make peace with McDaniels, who’s now coaching Denver. He has no choice, and he’s a reasonable kid.

I tell you, it’s like the man has an extra set of eyes in every team’s war room.

Whatever, there was a weird pall hanging over the Denver camp when I was there a week ago. A smaller-than-usual Monday crowd at camp was so subdued I thought I was in church. McDaniels needs something good to happen to him, and soon.

I actually enjoyed this tidbit. I like the idea that players in Denver are so disgusted with Josh McD that they’ve decided to stop trying already. Way to go, Josh. Way to turn one of the most football-mad cities in America against you without even having coached a single game. McDaniels needs something good to happen to him? I suggest he fall down a mine shaft. That would be good.

“So you don’t like the move,” Childress said to me Wednesday.

Awesome. My favorite team’s head coach is looking to Peter King for approval.

/throws plastic grocery bag over head
/ties handles tightly around throat
/orgasms before dying

It’s not that I don’t like the move to get Favre, I said; I just don’t like it now.

Why now? Why not wait until he’s at least 42? And has accumulated more land?

Favre, if needed, could have joined the Vikings near the Week 9 bye, and been fresh for the final eight games, five of which are in the friendly confines of the Metrodome.

And he could have been getting up to speed just as the team is playing any number of crucial November games that will determine whether or not they’ll make the playoffs. IT’s FOOLPROOF.

But I’m just going by Favre’s words, and those words three weeks earlier were downcast and stark.

Also, they were deliberate lies. But let’s not quibble. People Peter trusts in the Bronco organization vouch for Favre on this one.

Here’s a list of the top 20 players I project for free agency next spring. Keep in mind that many of these players will be tagged and never see the free market. (I have kept free-agent-to-be Philip Rivers off the list, because it’s next to impossible the Chargers would allow him to leave.)

1. Ryan Clark, FS, Pittsburgh
2. Vince Wilfork, NT, New England
3. Julius Peppers, DE, Carolina
4. Karlos Dansby, LB, Arizona
5. Richard Seymour, DL, New England
6. Brett Keisel, DE, Pittsburgh
7. Aaron Kampman, DE/OLB, Green Bay
8. Casey Hampton, DT, Pittsburgh
9. Willie Parker, RB, Pittsburgh
10. Dunta Robinson, CB, Houston
11. Kevin Walter, WR, Houston
12. Antonio Bryant, WR, Tampa Bay
13. Ryan Pickett, DL, Green Bay
14. Justin Bannan, DL, Baltimore
15. Chad Pennington, QB, Miami
16. Chester Pitts, G, Houston
17. Kassim Osgood, WR/Sp. Teams, San Diego
18. Nate Burleson, WR, Seattle
19. Casey Rabach, C, Washington
20. Sebastian Janikowski, K, Oakland

Hmm. That’s funny. I find it interesting that Peter would compile a list of the 20 best potential 2010 UFA’s in this fashion. Why take only Philip Rivers off the list if there are lots of other players on the list that King also believes won’t really be available? More to the point, why not include the 27 or so additional free agents from KFFL’s UFA list (available to anyone willing to do a simple search) that are probably better than, you know, Sebby The Date Rapist? Here are some of the missing:

Terrell Owens
Lee Evans
Steve Breaston
Jerious Norwood
Le’Ron McClain
DeMarcus Ware
Terence Newman
Brandon Marshall
Elvis Dumervil
Chad Clifton
DeMeco Ryans
Dallas Clark
Derrick Johnson
Anthony Fasano
Chester Taylor
Antoine Winfield
Logan Mankins
Pierre Thomas
Chris Snee
Darren Sproles
Vincent Jackson
Shawne Merriman
Lofa Tatupu
Leonard Little
Keith Bulluck
Marcus Washington

Man, that is one SHITTY free agent class, unless you include all the GOOD free agents.

UPDATE: Well shit, this list is old and doesn’t account for extensions signed by Winfield, Snee and others. Still, Ware isn’t under contract. Nor is Breaston, and a few others.

Quote of the Week I

“Michael, you can’t do that.”
-Mentor Tony Dungy to Michael Vick, after Vick was spotted by the New York Post drinking a Grey Goose and pineapple juice at a Philadelphia hotel bar.

“Michael, you can’t do that. That is a FAG drink.”

Quote of the Week II

“We’ll probably have to go at it again one more time when we’re not playing a game. There’s going to be bad blood between us.”
-Detroit defensive end Dewayne White, after an only-in-Detroit moment happened in pregame warmups in Cleveland Saturday night — a fight with a teammate. White and tight end Carson Butler brawled on the field.

I also like this quote from head coach Jim Schwartz about the brawl:

“You know, I didn’t know if that was a good sign or a bad sign. I’ve never seen that before.”

A couple more things Jim Schwartz isn’t sure are bad or good:
-Having your starters spot Cleveland a 20-point lead
-Katherine Heigl
-Cancer
-Death
-Anal stomas

Quote of the Week III

“I wish he stayed retired. I really do. You know, I love the guy to death but enough is enough. I would love to be in that locker room when he first arrives because there’s clearly going to be players in there that aren’t happy, and it’s not just going to be the two quarterbacks.”
-Former Green Bay tight end and Brett Favre buddy Mark Chmura, on ESPN Radio in Milwaukee, via sportsradiointerviews.com.

“I wish he had stayed retired. Imagine the junior high ass we could have pulled together. I just installed an MD 20/20 tap in my hot tub.”

“I’m having a lot of trouble calling you, ‘Chad Ochocinco,”’ I said.

“Just call me ‘Ocho,’ ” he said. “That’s not hard.”

“That’s Spanish. It’s so easy, even Mexicans know how to speak it.”

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

/titters with excitement

Regarding the non-guaranteed, guaranteed reservation that got me booted from the Westin Hotel in San Diego nine days ago: I am not boycotting Westin Hotels.

I probably should, but I realize the ultimate futility of it all, because Westin (and the hotel industry) is not going to change its policy of overbooking hotels in hopes of selling out every night.

You underestimate your power, King. Where’s your nerve? Where’s the man that bitched his way to a free meal at the Capital Grille? THAT’S THE PETER KING I KNOW AND ADORE.

I got a genuflecting letter

Good letter. Lofty letter. Form letter.

from the president of the Starwood Hotel Group (parent of Westin), Matt Avril, and we agree to disagree on the ridiculous unfairness of someone paying for a room and there still being a slight chance of it not being available at check-in.

Should I bore you with the details?

I know you will.

Avril’s point, in brief, is that hotels allow guests to reserve rooms weeks in advance and then cancel hours before the day of arrival — 24 hours at Westin’s — without incurring a charge. But in the case of the Westin San Diego, the 436-room hotel might have 20 people cancel their reservations, and then the hotel, which held the rooms for them only to have them cancel a day or two before arrival, would be stuck with unsold rooms if the hotel couldn’t fill them with walk-ins or late reservations. So this Westin sells about 20 more rooms than it has inventory on the busy nights when it can, and hopes it guesses right.

I decided not to boycott because Westin gave me a free room 10 blocks away in a similar-style hotel, and because I don’t think they’re any different from the other big chains, and because they have been responsive while not groveling about the issues I’ve raised.

In other words, they have been reasonable.

The biggest thing I told Avril: When you reach the point of saturation at the hotel, it’s idiotic to wait for those with guaranteed reservations to come in and be furious and then get sent…

Aaaaand, I stopped reading.

Matt Forte is underrated as a cutback runner.

It’s true. Everyone I talk to thinks he’s always dancing behind the line of scrimmage and wasting time. That’s why he’s going an average of 5th overall in most fantasy drafts.

What command Jay Cutler showed against the Giants.

Like seeing Derrick Mason sign an autograph.

David Garrard throws a beautiful deep ball, and he threw a gorgeous 74-yard touchdown strike, in stride, to Troy Williamson Saturday night.

Whoa, whoa. Peter King knows who Troy Williamson is? THEN HE KNOWS HIMSELF SOME FOOTBALL.

And Troy Williamson caught something? If only his grandma had lived to see it actually happen…

I think we’re on the way to a desperately needed streamlining of the Hall of Fame ceremony, and hopefully reducing it from the three-hour range to maybe two hours and 15 minutes.

I’m told the league, and the Hall, have decided to eliminate the speeches of the presenters, and have the presenters simply be there to help unveil busts and be a major part of the four-minute video presentation leading to the speeches of the enshrinees. I’m also told there will be more of a strongarm on those enshrined to limit speeches to 10 to 12 minutes (they’d gladly settle for 15) instead of 25 to 30. Eyes rolled particularly on Carl Peterson’s 26-minute miniseries as the speech-maker for the late Derrick Thomas.

Some quick excerpts from King Carl’s speech that night…

-“…And that was the day I invented microwaving technology…”
-“…Was I underappreciated in Kansas City? Of course I was. I think people, too often, look at a 2-14 record and get all caught up in the numbers…”
-“…So I said to the barber, ‘Make it look sharp. I’m a professional, you know. Gimme the pit boss look. And don’t skimp on the pomade’…”
-“…You know who drafted Derrick? I did. Great players don’t draft themselves, you know…”

I think I have one job I wish I didn’t have

Tom Brady’s pegboy?

– picking the order of finish in the NFL this year, and crystal-balling the playoffs, for SI’s pro football preview issue. The reason I wish I didn’t have it, of course, is that this is Paul Zimmerman’s thankless job, and I want Zim to do it.

Spoiler: Zim likes Buffalo!

Really, Peter? This is a terrible labor, predicting the season records for NFL teams for a national magazine? That’s a burden? Well then, sign my ass up and call me Atlas.

I ended up picking five new division winners in the eight divisions. No spoilers. Wait for the mag.

Recent history says a Super Bowl team will come, relatively speaking, out of nowhere. Arizona last year, the Giants the year before, sixth-seed Pittsburgh in ‘05, Carolina in ‘03, the Ravens in 2000. So I picked one logical team in the magazine and one illogical team.

So get ready for a New England Patriots-Seattle Sounders Super Bowl this February.

I think I have zero inside information on the Tom Cable boxing match in Oakland,

No way!

but all I can relay is this, from one of the most trusted and smartest football people I talk to most weeks: “Why does this nonsense always happen with the Raiders? Do you ever see the coach punching a coach with the Giants? The Patriots? The Colts?”

The really smart football guy also added, “Know who plays good on defense? James Harrison.” LIGHT: BROUGHT.

DeAngelo Williams had the best run of any NFL back in the preseason (that and $4.14 will buy you a grande hazelnut latte) with his electrifying, 25-yarder in the first quarter.

Wait, what about the latte? Did this run happen in Tuscany?

It’s hard to tell what to think of this team, but they’re not alone in that respect in the NFC South. It’s also hard to tell much from preseason games, particularly ones when Delhomme’s two most reliable targets, Steve Smith and Muhsin Muhammad, are on the sidelines in street clothes. It’s going to be tough to get a real handle on the Panthers this summer.

It’s true. Who knew preseason games were a poor indicator of regular season performances?

I think I’d like to rip Kyle Orton for the silly left-handed interception, but when you’re going for it on fourth down, and it’s a do-or-die play, and it doesn’t matter if the throw is into the third row of the bleachers or into a defender’s hands, I can’t fault him much for making a throw like that.

Why, he’d be a fool for NOT throwing it.

I think if you’re a high school athlete, or a parent, there’s a two-hour movie event tomorrow in theaters across the country that you should investigate. Tony Dungy’s Red Zone 09

Worst. Porno. Ever.

Progress for Paul Zimmerman!

That’s good to hear. I’m not even being an asshole. I really do hope he gets better.

Linda, his saint of a bride, reports that the two of them played the card game War Saturday. “He was just as fast as I was,” Linda reports. “Not that that is any great feat, but it is NORMAL … I was thrilled.” We are so pleased.

Zim also got ornery during the game, telling the Flaming Redhead, “Look hussy, in my day, when you played war, you didn’t draw three extra cards in the event of a tie like some kind of goddamn pussy. You fucking went head-to-head, bayonet-to-bayonet. I’d be damned if I let Marion Motley ever commandeer one of my aces.”

Said it before and I’ll say it again: Derek Jeter’s the best baseball player of my lifetime.

Career stats for Jeter (14 full major league seasons):
.387 OBP
.459 SLG
.846 OPS
222 HR
1059 RBI

Career stats for Albert Pujols (9 full major league seasons)
.426 OBP
.627 SLG
1.054 OPS
359 HR
1,083 RBI

Keep in mind that Peter King is 52 years old. That means his lifetime includes Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey Jr,, Rickey Henderson, Nolan Ryan, Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken, Alex Rodriguez, and JESUS CHRIST AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE A RED SOX FAN?

Coffeenerdness: What does a coffee nerd do on midday Sunday when his four-year-old Krups is hissing and making funny noises instead of great coffee?

Looks for free coffee in the lobby and then gets mad when it isn’t there?

He goes and buys another Krups. And I must say that first pot of dark roast was splendid.

What a tale. Like I’m right at that Edgewater Hotel.

Great Sears commercial about Favre being unable to make up his mind about a big electronics buy. The kid waiting on him tells him about the wafflers who come and can’t decide whether to buy what they really want. “Those guys drive me crazy,” he says. Art, or something, imitating reality.

Indeed.

Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king

This entry was posted on Monday, August 24th, 2009 at 10:59 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.