I really enjoy writing the mailbag.  I try to give thoughtful answers to what I assume are people’s honest questions about their love lives, and I enjoy the additional mental exercise of thinking about different fantasy football scenarios, as it forces me to round out my knowledge and look into players and possibilities I wouldn’t otherwise consider.

But not today.  Today, I hate you.  Why?  Because the Internet is a cruel place, mister, and it’s better you learn that now and not later.  So if your question got ignored or answered in an apathetic fashion, it’s not your fault.  It’s because the world is capricious.  Also, you will all die alone.

Now, then.  On to the questions!

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There’s good news and bad news today, folks.  Bad news first: the weekly mailbag won’t go up until later tonight.  I made the mistake of thinking I could tackle the mailbag and also help a friend edit a 12,000-word graduate dissertation last night.  The latter lasted until 3:30 a.m., so the former didn’t happen at all.  But the mailbag will be up tonight.  Scout’s honor.

But the good news!  The good news is that one of our more memorable emailers this summer, the gal with the giant truck and a wussy boyfriend with a Saturn, wrote in with an update of her life.  And we’re not ordinarily inclined to post follow-ups to your scenarios, but then most follow-ups don’t involve dead horses being torn apart in an explosion of maggots.  Read for yourself:

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Mike Brown doesn’t like your hurtful, yet accurate, airplane banner and here’s what he’s going to do about it.

Bengals owner Mike Brown is responding to growing fan criticism by hiring a general manager, nah just kidding. He’s actually trying to get the FAA to take away the pilot’s authorization to tow the banners that have flown over Bengals games in recent years. No word if Brown plans on having HBO fire the camera operator on recent episodes of Hard Knocks who recorded Brown’s daughter negotiating contracts the way old people screw.

[ Cincy Enquirer via Metafilter and Who Dey Revolution ]

Occasionally, I like to act like a big man and savagely mock well-intentioned YouTube videos. In this one, ShelleyK80 is celebrating a supposed milestone regarding Houston’s erstwhile football team, while expounding upon her personal travails. Let’s join in the fun, shall we?

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Old Man: Buy something, will ya?!

Customer: Hmm. Whatcha got here? Couple hundred yards of coaxial cable. Rolltop desk with only one drawer missing. A discarded Twister wheel without the actual Twister mat.

Old Man: Yup. Finest collection in months.

Customer: Say, what’s this big hulking thing? Whoa, it kinda moved!

Old Man: That there’s a Byron Leftwich.

Customer: Huh. [Shakes shoulder pad] He got a lot of mileage on him?

Old Man: Had a few dings in his time, but he can still get the ball out if you give him a few minutes. Look close and you see he even got hisself a Super Bowl ring.

Customer: Oh yeah, so he does. What’s the damage?

Old Man: I’d be willing to part with him for a second round pick.

Customer: [Stifles laughter] You want maybe I throw in my first born?

Old Man: No need for jokes. You want to do business or don’t you?

Customer: Hey, what’s this? He’s got a Steelers jersey right on under this Bucs one. You’re just flipping old rundown QBs, aren’t you?

Old Man: I don’t know how he got that. I tell you, he’s in fine working order. See for yourself.

[Leftwich's arm cheeks back, making rickety sounds like an old wooden roller coaster, followed by a too-hard release to a running back in the flat]

Old Man: Told you. Even if you don’t like him as a QB, being big and rigid, you can dress him up as one of those tobacco shop Indians.

Customer: Still think the price might be a hair too steep. What about this one?

Old Man: Thassa Luke McCown.

Customer: Well, I do already have a Josh McCown. It’d be nice to have the full set. Would bring some cohesion to my practice squad.

Old Man: Tell you what: You take the McCown, I’ll thrown in this Josh Johnson, free of charge.

Customer: Don’t have much use for him, but I suppose I can barter him for a UFL mug. How much?

Old Man: 1st round pick.

Customer: WHAT?

Old Man: You heard me.

Customer: That’s insane. You’ll never get value for that! You – you’re not even trying to sell these things, you withered old packrat.

Old Man: You seen the feller trying to move Tyler Thigpen? I needs to have a word with him.

Earlier this week, Steeler Poodle called to mind the iconic image of Steelers fandom: the morbidly obese Steelers fan, AKA Fat Steeler Chick.  It encapsulates much of what is to be hated and loved about the mighty braying Steelers Republic: we can express our repulsion at this unsightly breeding ground for diabetes — especially since she seems to have a tongue stud and a wedding ring — or we can celebrate the inherent joy of being a Steelers fan.  Ignorance of ineptitude, it seems, is bliss.  As is a no-holds-barred approach to Primanti’s.

Remarkably, KSK commenter “Junker23″ recognized someone in this famous photo, thus tipping him off to our hefty heroine’s name.  He was kind enough to pass on what he claims is a more recent photo of Fat Steelers Chick, who is now Less Fat Steelers Chick:
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That headline is only to ensure that when the Bengals defensive tackle starts in on his next bout of Google self-examination, he drops by our little site. Hi Tank! No weapons here! Carson Palmer’s high ankle sprain suffered against the Saints will no doubt figure heavily in this episode, paving the way for some displays of vainglory by our favorite pugilating quartered back (because that’s how he talks, you’ll see) and no doubt a lot of focus on Ocho’s successful extra point attempt and hopefully even more on his tense exchanges with Bill Belichick.

THAT TIME OF THE WEEK AGAIN. Send us your questions for the fantasy sex/football mailbag.  Not tomorrow; tonight.  Believe it or not, it actually takes several hours to sift through people writing hundreds of words about what their ex-girlfriend looks like and then give you thoughtful responses, so we’d appreciate some lead time here.

Also, this week only, any email that includes use of the 10-point scale to rate someone of the opposite sex will automatically be discarded.  This week, in the interest of brevity that so few seem to master, you must use the binary scale: every person is either a 1 or a zero.  You either want to do ‘em or you don’t.

Redheaded Girl: What do you think, guys?

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NOOOO!!! NAWT YOU, SENATAH KENNEDY! WHY AHHHH WE THE ONLY ONES SADDLED WITH SUCH SUDDEN LAWSSES?!!!

THIS IS A STOMACH PUNCH DEATH!

You people from othah faggot states don’t get it. He may have been a drunk who let a garl die, but he was OW-UH drunk who let a garl fackin’ DIE! You can’t appreciate the history this man had with his votah base! We lifted him up! If it had nawt been far the LEGENDARY BAWSTON VOTAHS, that highway bill nevah would have passed! FACKIN’ CHAHHHHLES SCHUMAH WOULD HAVE FACKED IT UP!

/drinks six pack of Cider Jack

AH, CIDAHHHHH!

/drowns girl

FACK YOU!