KSK Off-Topic: The Hybrid Kill-Kill-Kill Animal Death Porn + Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag Teaser
There’s good news and bad news today, folks. Bad news first: the weekly mailbag won’t go up until later tonight. I made the mistake of thinking I could tackle the mailbag and also help a friend edit a 12,000-word graduate dissertation last night. The latter lasted until 3:30 a.m., so the former didn’t happen at all. But the mailbag will be up tonight. Scout’s honor.
But the good news! The good news is that one of our more memorable emailers this summer, the gal with the giant truck and a wussy boyfriend with a Saturn, wrote in with an update of her life. And we’re not ordinarily inclined to post follow-ups to your scenarios, but then most follow-ups don’t involve dead horses being torn apart in an explosion of maggots. Read for yourself:
I wrote in awhile back with a story about my truck annoying my boyfriend. So I don’t know if you even care about followups, but the truck has ended the relationship.
Two weeks ago we were helping a mutual friend clean up his new property. He owns 5 acres which include a number of old farm buildings and an in-ground pool. I was out using the truck to rip down the crap buildings and drag the remains over to the fire pit when it was discovered that there was a dead horse in the inground pool. Yeah a dead fucking horse. Some guys were pulling trash out of there and one of them pulled back a tarp to find the rotting remains of a horse, a big horse and plenty of maggots to go along with it. Package deal.
Pity you didn’t have a shark in that pool. They love dead horses.
After some consultation the brain trust decided that the best solution was to wrap the horse in a tarp and then drag it out with the truck.
So we’re pulling it out, two tow straps wrapped around the tarp-covered body when the horse/straps get hung up on some of the other crap in the pool.
“Tap the gas” they yelled, which I did, resulting in no movement.
“Roll back and get a running start” was the next suggestion from the brain trust.
I’d like to pause for a second here. In her first email, Truck Girl spoke of driving to nearby Lake Huron, so she and her friends likely reside in either Canada or Michigan. Just keep that in mind as you read on, wondering why they didn’t just remove the other junk in the pool.
“That’s not that best idea here…”
“No, no, it will work and don’t worry your tow hitch can take it!”
“I’m not worried about the tow hitch, but okay, you want it you got it.”
I back the truck up about 10 feet and then hit the gas and…
(horse leg flies off)
Yes, a leg flew off. The entire horse was yanked forward, it and whatever junk the tarp dragged with it slamming up against the edge of the pool and the lip and wedging there. The concrete wasn’t going to give, the 60,000lb tow straps we’re going to give, instead the rotting flesh of the horse gives. One of the straps ripped right through the tarp and severed the leg and then whipped up, bringing the leg up with it.
My now ex-boyfriend was standing right here, watching the entire operation right until this leg whips out of the pool and slams into into him, a good part of the rotting flesh just exploding. He had maggots all over him, just crawling around and rotting gobs of flesh coating him, along with a nice bruise from where the leg bones slammed into his thigh. He didn’t even have a hat on so he had maggots crawling around in his hair and –
No, we didn’t have a video camera on it, and despite the fact we did have three other legs we could try to recreate the event with, he wouldn’t do it.
My response to this wasn’t sympathetic enough for him. I was laughing as I hosed him off and pointed out he was lucky the tow strap hadn’t hit him because then we’d be dragging him off in a tarp too.
Lady, I would marry you tomorrow if I weren’t so certain you’re a burly girl who wears a lot of flannel.
Pretty much everyone else was laughing at him as well and suggesting he take it like a man and I guess he felt I was supposed to be his shoulder to cry on. He went inside to nurse the leg and I went back to work, whereas he expected me to come in and play nursemaid and fetch him icepacks.
After a few days of him sulking about it and avoiding me we finally had a fight and a break up. After about a week of no communication at all I figure its over and I guess I should blame the truck. It’s just too cute though, I can’t stay mad at it.
So in the end “dump him” was the correct answer as it turns out. Thanks!
No no, thank you.
Tags: better than the mailbag, captain caveman, kill kill kill
August 27th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Aww, that was lovely…I bet she’s excited for Deer season! I wonder if she’s on the girl’s rugby team? I wonder if she’s on girls while drinking?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
what a crybaby. girl did the right thing by breaking up with his emo ass.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Al Bundy’s Dodge would’ve hauled that thing out no problem
August 27th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
All I want to know is who keeps the horse? The pussy boyfriend or the truck?
And did they call for a bambulance???
August 27th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Fat Steelers Chick?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
True or fabricated, that story was awesome.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
If a man can’t laugh about getting showered with maggots and rotten horse bits, then he’s not really a man, now is he? Sure, it was gross and it had to smell like hell, but shit, that’s good fucking comedy. Horse goo washes off, ya’ bitch-ass bitch.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
i guess im missing why it matter that they lived in michigan or canada for the pool thing, im stupid and smoke a lot of pot though. also, i dont care what that girl looks like, id like to have sex with her so she could beat me up and make me bleed my own blood
August 27th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
What a little bitch. If my girl and her hoss of a truck could destroy a horse and send its’ limbs hurtling through the air it would only make me love her more.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
In Soviet Russia, dead horse beats YOU!
August 27th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Good riddance! Don’t let the dead horse leg hit your ass on the way out!…wait that’s not right
August 27th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
“I made the mistake of thinking I could tackle the mailbag and also help a friend edit a 12,000-word graduate dissertation last night. The latter lasted until 3:30 a.m., so the former didn’t happen at all.”
Hasn’t the mailbag taught you that your freind will always just think of you as friend. Helping with the dissertation just reinforces that. Get a few drinks in her and her how you feel.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
I imagine the truck girl looking like Fat Steeler Chick with her ex-boyfriend looking like Emo Eagles fan.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Did they shoot the horse after the leg broke off?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Did Mike Vick recently sell this property?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
This chick seems like the kind that has more guy friends than girl friends. They probably even consider her “one of the guys”. She’ll either end up single the rest of her life, or marrying a girly man (like the one she was dating) and wearing the pants in the relatoonship. The truck kicks ass though.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
/Barbaro joke
August 27th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Why do girls this awesome always look like a Steelers fan?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Holley Mangold?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Raskolnikov would have a boner for this chick.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I just realized. If you’re gonna do follow-up… this needs, demands, a picture of this woman. No matter what she looks like, we will still love her truck.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I imagine she looks like Lilly Robbins.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
@ Daddymag: Nah. She would have been to busy getting her emergency knife and fork from under the seat to worry about laughing at this closet case.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
My wife is a sexy 5′5” 128 lb 36 year old who fits this mold. You can’t judge she’s a fat chick just ‘cuz she drives a truck and can out work most men. But that don’t matter. Wussyboy needed to GTFO. Oink.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Mark Buehrle approves of this truck.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Quick question, why the FUCK is there a dead horse in your pool?! And how do you not know about it until now?
August 27th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Truck Girl > Carboat.
/starts VehFlaWA
August 27th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I am officially in love with this girl. That was pure, fresh-squeezed awesome – not from concentrate.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I’m betting this lady is actually hot. No. Really. I bet she is.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
So we want football and poon and you give us decaying equines and maggots? Eat a dick!
August 27th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@ Pee Wee’s Pig
Congratulations, buddy. You’ve found the exception, not the rule. Thank your God tonight.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
“stop acting like a little maggot”
August 27th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Fucking beautiful. Clone this woman and send them out into the world.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I want this girl. So, so much.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
And after this incident, she went off to embrace the forbidden love that dare not speak it’s name.
/This chick probably eats more pussy than the WNBA all star team.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
@ Harmonica
If we renamed the decaying equine John Elway, would that help?
August 27th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
I refer to my balls as the brain trust.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
i applaud this girl and her awesomeness. fuck that guy.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
@ Sweet truck girl. You have that rare girl quality that my friends liked to call “A&E” – attitude and enthusiasm. People who are fun and cool are always more attractive than people who are not. Obviously your former bf could not appreciate that, and he will end up with some wet fish. Date the guys that do and you will avoid pussies and douche bags.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
At this point so many bets have been placed as to whether or not this woman is attractive that we simply have to have closure. Let’s have a photo, with the dead horse if possible (it’s like standing next to your fat friend in a photo – very flattering).
August 27th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
So after your lecture yesterday about getting those e-mails in on time you went and missed the deadline anyway?
You and I are a lot alike.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
@ Lost in the Office
Nice. Very nice.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I don’t care if it makes me a pussy, if I get hit by maggot-filled exploding rotting horse leg, there’s a solid chance I’m gonna puke my guts out. But I’ll be damned if I’m not laughing the whole time.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Having dealt with dead rotting corpses full of maggots, I really doubt all of you would be totally cool with it if a chunk of fell on you. The smell is unlike anything you’d ever imagine. That’s not exaggeration – it is unbelievable.
That said, this story smells like bullshit.
And if it is true, then yeah, the boyfriend’s kind of a pussy.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Daddymag Says:
August 27th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Holley Mangold?
+1
Shes a beast of a women.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Wait a minute, what sort of pussy dissertation is 12,000 words? You’re going to sit here, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me that you couldn’t edit 40 pages? How shitty were they? This is why people disdain intellectuals, apparently your friends are out there giving the rest of us a bad name.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
“I made the mistake of thinking I could tackle the mailbag and also help a friend edit a 12,000-word graduate dissertation last night”
I thought the excuses post was last week.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I told my mom to stay away from the computer!!
August 27th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
A 12,000 word dissertation? I sure hope that’s the first incomplete draft. Otherwise, someone is going to get denied, and laughed at.
Lofty story.
If I was that guy, while I’d be puking my guts out, and probably using plenty of swear words, I for sure would be laughing. Sadly, this story is probably made up.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Truck Girl: 1) we MUST have a picture; 2) will you marry me?
/agree with the above, 12,000 words for a dissertation is garbage-time short.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Dear Ben, you and your friends are fags. A&E? Seriously? Eat dead horse shit. –everyone
August 27th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Honestly as fucking funny as the entire ordeal would be, I’d say getting hit with a dead horse’s leg would not be fun, not even for a second. I would not take it as Truck Girl’s boyfriend did (read: like a bitch).
Also: Truck Girl, don’t you DARE blame that gorgeous machine for a damn thing.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Dissertation = the British term for thesis.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
First this is the best mailbag follow up in the history of everything. If there was video i’d loop it and die like the poor bastards in Infinite Jest.
Second, that better be a math or chem diss. Shit mine’s like 370 pages and somewhere around 125000 words.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
The only thing cooler than a dead horse in an in-ground pool is a dead horse in an above-ground pool. And everybody knows that explosives are the best for dead horse removal.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
“He went inside to nurse the leg…”
The horse leg? The maggot-infested horse leg that just hit him in the face? Why would he want to nurse on something that doesn’t even have nipples?
August 27th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Dear Truck driving woman:
You make me so hot I just wanna bend you over and do you up the butt.
Sincerely,
Animal Mother
August 27th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I love the Pitino story, it’s the gift that keeps on giving. How come nobody has analyzed what impact these extortion allegations had on Louisville’s run in the tourney? As a Louisville fan (which I’m not), I’d be pretty pissed that all of this may have been the reason they didn’t win the tourney last year.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Shit, I hit 40,000 words before I got to the Results.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Help a girl out, why is this story so hot?
August 27th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
@Animal Mother
I uh…
I…
I just…
Fuck it, I agree with you.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Well Well Well, flawless fagboy needs help from stinky-pants truckgirl
Welly Welly Welly, Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus McGee
Well-letssee Well-letsee Well-letsee…
August 27th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
I nominate her as KSK Reader of the Year. You are 100% concrete cyanide, girl.
As for that goddamn pussy, fuck him right through the pants. What an insufferable cuntrag. He probably went to the nearest fruitcake bar to find a handsome, 70s mustache guy with leather, ass-less chaps to cry on.
As for you and your truck, I just say, “HURRAH!”
August 27th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
In Soviet Russia, dead horse beats YOU!
That’s a truly well-layered joke.
+2, Grimey.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
I don’t really like that butch a girl myself, but she does have some admirable qualities that not too many women possess. She’s obviously self-confident as fuck, yet not in the vulgar vapid mode that a lot of self-confident pretty girls are. She might be in the possibly-unconventionally-attractive-probably-more-disfigured-rotund-don’t-give-a-fuck-PARTY-WHOAOO!@! group, though. Regardless, that, and she has good taste in websites, and a cool truck to emasculate you with.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I now have a role model for my daughter. Hopefully, she’ll have the good sense not to get emotionally involved with such a wuss in the first place.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
First off, Capatain Chaos has taught us the ONLY method for dead horse removal is fire. http://chriscooley47.blogspot.com/2009/06/cow-fire.html
Secondly, I really, really want to agree with everyone else, and say “send in a picture”, but really, that truck is so fucking sexy, does it matter what she looks like, guys? Oh, wait, of course it does. Send in a damn picture.
And third, while I feel for the guy for getting hit with rotting horse flesh and covered in maggots, how can you do anything but laugh when that happens?
August 27th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
This girl is a big strong one me thinks………
August 27th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
that better be a math or chem diss. Shit mine’s like 370 pages and somewhere around 125000 words.
Weak. I was over 400.
I am truly disturbed by the number of KSKharacters with advanced degrees. I’d much prefer to think of you all as slobbering gas-pumpers, not oncologists, defense attorneys or structural engineers. Certainly no one with the power of life and death; more like the power of fries and tater tots.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
I don’t care if a girl drives this massive truck or Mini Cooper, that boy is too much of a pussy for any self-respecting chick. Being covered in maggots is disgusting, but needing your woman to grovel and kiss and make it all better that bad is ridonkulous for a “dude”.
@Jigga – this post was awesome enough of its own, however, “her ex-boyfriend looking like Emo Eagles fan”, made it even better for me, personally. XO.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
As a Cuban Redneck with an affinity for big trucks myself, I would personally beat the dude’s ass for ya. Dude’s a disgrace to men everywhere.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
I’m thinking Truck Grrl grew up as Farm Grrl. She could be a 0, or just as easily a 1, depending on your personal fantasy and/or stereotype of farm girls. If your farm girl fantasy includes maggots and exploding flesh of any type, you should probably seek professional help.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
When I think farm girl, I think Taylor Swift. And when I think Taylor Swift, my pants fit funny.
/had to check Wikipedia to make sure that was on the up and up
Seriously though, great story. Lofty story. And the dude is a douchebag.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
@YinzJumboReddUpN`at? and Slothrop: My diss was 475 pages of text, FTW.
/This is the way academics measure dick size
August 27th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
The most important thing was, she actually took our advice.
I don’t know if I should give a fist pump or head for shelter. Aww fuck it, guess I’ll drink instead.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
I’m going with Michigan, dead horse pulling chicks here would have the truck but not the pussy boy. We like horsey men; you know, the ones we can riiiide.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:46 am
If no one has said it, LOFTY STORY.
Don’t any of these people watch CSI? Of course something on the horse was going to detach.
“The brain trust” – heh heh
August 28th, 2009 at 8:28 am
@YinzJumboReddUpN’at? and Spatula:
I feel so inadequate. Oh, wait, that’s just because I’m a part-time lecturer with no benefits teaching a 4/4.
August 28th, 2009 at 8:44 am
– Lady, I would marry you tomorrow if I weren’t so certain you’re a burly girl who wears a lot of flannel.
let’s be honest, it’s the burly part that gets you, not the flannel.
August 28th, 2009 at 8:48 am
@Spatula:
My diss was 475 pages of text, FTW.
/This is the way academics measure dick size
Bring it. Book-based-on-the-diss comes out soon. From a university press.
/cv dick joke
@Slothrop:
I feel so inadequate. Oh, wait, that’s just because I’m a part-time lecturer with no benefits teaching a 4/4.
Tenure track is overrated: the fantasy football talent is shit amongst senior faculty.
August 28th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Its likely a more fitting end than our poor brother with the embezzling wife in jail!
August 28th, 2009 at 9:19 am
@YinzJumboReddUpN’at?:
Book-based-on-the-diss comes out soon. From a university press.
that’s just hurtful. no, congrats. That’s a long way from my near vanity press book.
Tenure track is overrated: the fantasy football talent is shit amongst senior faculty.
having given up (for love and sanity) the TT, let me say, it’s not. Lifetime employment unless I molest a collie or a student? Fuck and yes. And my old department had no FF league, nor, can I tell, does my new one. Got room in your league?
August 28th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Watch out for the DissFlaWa
August 28th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Ok, We Need a Pic of this Girl! Who would it hurt?
August 29th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Brings a whole new meaning to “leg whip.”