KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake: NFC East
It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Cutler’s attempt to make nice, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC East, where every fan expects to go to the Super Bowl every year.
Dallas Cowboys
Five Fast Facts About Dem Cowboys:
• You haven’t seen Debbie Does Dallas until you’ve seen the remastered Blu-Ray on a $40 million television.
• The Cowboys currently have five players on their roster who attended directional Illinois colleges, yet there’s not a Saluki in the bunch. They have two from Northern Illinois, one from Western Illinois, and one from Eastern Illinois (the Harvard of directional Illinois colleges). Of course that list doesn’t even include Alan Ball who attended Neutral Illinois aka “Illinois Classic”.
• Wade Phillips is being forced to work for free this year after eating $1.5 million in pizza since the new stadium opened.
• Martellus Bennett isn’t from Jupiter, he’s from Lovetron.
• YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAW, THEIR OWNER HAS A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins
Verdict: UNDER
The Cowboys have gone 9-7 in three of the last four years, so betting the push might not be the worst idea. But screw it, this is the year of the great Cowboy collapse and I’m getting in on the ground floor. Jason Witten is going to be blanketed by opposing defenses, especially if Roy Williams is out for an extended period.
New York Giants
Five Fast Facts About the G-Men:
• Steve Smith is probably the best wide receiver on the team coming into the season, and that is hilarious. He isn’t as talented as his namesake in Carolina, but he is almost as short.
• Osi Umenyiora wants to take a dump on opposing quarterbacks. Figuratively.
• Growing up in Alabama Justin Tuck was a fan of the San Francisco 49ers and the Dallas Cowboys. [throws book at Justin Tuck]
• Eli Manning isn’t the same quarterback when he doesn’t get his mid-morning nap.
• Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Okay, now that we got that out of the way how about shutting the fuck up every time he drags his old ass onto the field?
Vegas Over/Under for 2009:10 wins
Verdict: UNDER. Both the offensive and defensive lines are great, although the latter has been a bit banged up through training camp. The real problem for them will be the lack of playmakers surrounding Eli Manning. The secondary is able to play an aggressive style thanks to a dominant pass rush, however they’re young and largely unproven. Oh, and Aaron Ross is a big bag of suck.
Washington Redskins
Five Fast Facts About the Skins:
• 25% of all Redskins fans at FedEx Field believe that Chief Zee is a real Indian chief.
• The same percentage also thinks that Colt Brennan can be an effective NFL quarterback.
• With Colt struggling a bit this preseason some fans have shifted their allegiance to 5′8″ undrafted free agent Chase Daniel. Because they’re idiots, you see.
• Vinny Cerrato owns seven cats, and zero sharks.
• When I have a kid I want him to grow up to be Ethan Albright. Not because I want a tall goofy ginger for a son, but because the guy has been in the NFL for 15 years all on the strength of his ability to snap a ball a few times a game.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins
Verdict: OVER. 8 wins? Choke on my balls, Vegas. One of the best defenses in the league returns just about everybody and they added Albert Haynesworth and Brian Orakpo. Have you seen Orakpo? He’s like Predator in a jersey. Fuck. I totally forgot that Chris Horton already goes by Predator. I fail.
/homer
Philadelphia Eagles
Five Fast Facts About the Iggles:
• King Dunlap will eventually retire to begin his second career as a tire salesman.
• Ellis Hobbs is really an inanimate stuffed tiger unless Kevin Curtis is talking to him*.
• If you call LeSean McCoy “The Real” then you probably suck.
• Sav Rocca is going to put some serious dents in Jerry’s big TV.
• I’ve had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man.
*H/T to Ape
Vegas Over/Under for 2009:9.5 wins
Verdict: OVER The defense lost their architect in Jim Johnson, their leader in Brian Dawkins, and their anchor in Stewart Bradley. Pssh, defense is overrated and this offense can carry any team to the playoffs. That being said, Andy Reid will find a way to fuck this up. Hell, he already started last night. Listen, Mike Vick is a backup quarterback. So stop fucking around and making Donovan McNabb share the field with him. Let Mike Vick get to the point where he can run the second team offense comfortably, then start fucking around with your oh so clever gimmick plays. Otherwise you’re just taking meaningful reps away from the first team offense that you’re going to lean on all year to outscore opponents.
God damn, I’m glad I don’t like this team.
Eagles image via Flickr.
Tags: dallas cowboys, Homerism, KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake, new york giants, Philadelphia Eagles, Unsilent Majority, Washington Redskins
August 28th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
10 wins for the Eagles? Really? I just don’t buy it I guess.
But, I really fucking hate the Eagles, so maybe I’m biased.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
No mention of the Giants power running game with Jacobs and Bradshaw along with their D? Yeah so they have a big bag of suck at WR, but maybe they can trade for Brandon Marshall. Blah, blah, blah, clubhouse cancer. Once Coughlin beats him down with his dick, he’ll STFU and play.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Don’t need recievers when Jacobs goes silverback gorilla mode.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
How bout an over/under on how many games until Philly fans start calling for Vick to start.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Yea… Little homer-y. I thought over/unders were supposed to be half numbers so the over could be 10 games and under could be 9. That being said I’ll take over/even or whatever on the Giants for 10 games. Wide receivers notwithstanding, they have a solid team.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Oh and I forgot, Giants secondary is young but by no means shitty.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I said “unproven” not “shitty”. Also for the O/U there’s the possibility of betting on a push.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
The Redskins still have that crappy QB right? Yeah they aint doing shit.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
HEY COOCH, HAVE YOU SEEN ORAKPO!? HE’S LIKE THE COLT BRENNAN OF THE DEFENSE! LOOK AT THOSE PRESEASON QB PRESSURES!
August 28th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
lulz redskins….suck!!! and it’s clear whoever wrote this went over on the Eagles because they see the Redskins as the wild card and they know there is no way the Eagles make it to the Superbowl thus paving the way for the Redskins.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
That’s alright, the Eagles probably hate you too. Not because they have anything against bloggers, but I heard most of them are anti-Semitic.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
“and it’s clear whoever wrote this went over on the Eagles because they see the Redskins as the wild card and they know there is no way the Eagles make it to the Superbowl thus paving the way for the Redskins.”
IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!
August 28th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
““and it’s clear whoever wrote this went over on the Eagles because they see the Redskins as the wild card and they know there is no way the Eagles make it to the Superbowl thus paving the way for the Redskins.”
IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!”
more sense then the dumb Prekake analysis provided on this website.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
@yourmom
Dude, sit down before you hurt yourself….
August 28th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Smelling some Skins homerism… Whos their QB again? Oh thats right, they dont have one. They suck. Offense is piddly.
And the Eagles will win this division, of course having a lapse with McNabb getting hurt.
And I’m likin the Robot Chicken skit reference.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Predator in a jersey? Uh, that’s #48 and he goes by Chris Horton.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I loathe all four of these teams more or less equally but . . . it would be beautiful to see the Cowboys shit the bed in their new football ziggurat. For a billion dollars shouldn’t we get to see ol Jerry Jones flip out TEXAS style?
August 28th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked.
Is that a remix of the Chris Gardocki song?
August 28th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!
It does? Is this sarcasm? Does my irony-meter needing fixing? Ignore me.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Dallas O/U.
Verdict: WAY THE FUCK UNDER.
Dallas loses in so many new and creative ways, that double Js fucking head explodes and that giant abortion of an obstacle above the field falls on his dead carcass.
How can a league that takes itself seriously allow that fucking 160 foot pile of shit sit 30 inches above the field of play?
This is going to be fun to watch.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Johnny D- It’s sarcasm. It could not possibly make any less sense.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
wtf?- My fault, I totally forgot Horton calls himself Predator.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
@yourmom
You’re criticizing the football prognostication of an article that stated, “Ellis Hobbs is really an inanimate stuffed tiger unless Kevin Curtis is talking to him”?
You used the phrase “lulz”… please turn in your balls at the nearest dropbox, pick up a tube of vagisil, and make your way over to Perez Hilton’s blog.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
2008 standings
1 – NY Giants 12-4
2 – Philadelphia Eagles 9-6-1
3 – Dallas Comboys 9-7
4 – Washington Redskins 8-8
Notice something? Vegas is saying everything will stay the same as last year except the Giants will lose two more games because no Plax.
There is a reason Vegas makes billions of dollars. Every homer out there thinks there team made an improvement whether it’s true or not and are itching to pick the over for the upcoming season. 12 wins seems a lot for the Giants without Plax so they knocked off 2 wins.
Moral of the story: don’t gamble.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
“Have you seen Orakpo? He’s like Predator in a jersey. I wonder if he can play wide receiver…”
You’ve been watching too much Mike Brown on Hard Knocks. Stop it, it’s not a good path your on.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
“One of the best defenses in the league” ?
Right. Just behind Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Philly, Minnesota, Chicago…
August 28th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Donovan McNabb is VERY perplexed by the rules of Calvinball.
“I hate to see what happens in the Super Bowl, and I hate to see what happens in the playoffs, to settle with a score of Q to 12.”
August 28th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
big ten speed- Washington was fourth in yardage allowed and sixth in scoring defense. Chicago on the other hand was 21st in yardage allowed and 16th in scoring defense.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
“@yourmom
You’re criticizing the football prognostication of an article that stated, “Ellis Hobbs is really an inanimate stuffed tiger unless Kevin Curtis is talking to him”?
You used the phrase “lulz”… please turn in your balls at the nearest dropbox, pick up a tube of vagisil, and make your way over to Perez Hilton’s blog.”
1- make crazy predictions
2- pepper predictions with stupid reasons
3 – thus absolving yourself from criticism for crazy predictions.
4- ???
5- profit
August 28th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
redrocket/yourmomlovesme/suzysmyho/Ben did it/Ben could have done it- this is a humor website that doesn’t take itself too seriously. I’m not sure what it is you’re looking for other than validation in the greatness of your own team from a website.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
So wait, you expect the Giants to do poorly because they lack offensive playmakers, but then choose the Redskins to do well?!? Is Albert Haynesworth supposed to play offense AND defense? As a Jets fan I’m honorbound to A) Hate the Giants and B) Recognize a shitty team when I see one. The Giants probably aren’t Super Bowl good, but they won’t shit the bed…Eli just pisses it when his night light bulb burns out.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Dallas’ biggest offensive problem remains WR. Roy Williams (who remember they got for 1, 4 and 6) has had over 1000 yards ONE TIME in his career. After that it’s a pu-pu platter of special teams players. Defensively, they’re banking on Anthony Spencer to have a breakout year (you know like Bobby Carpenter did last year..oh wait) and I’m not buying it.
Dallas 7-9.
Washington’s defense is good, although they gave up 20 to Cinncinati and 27 to SF at the end of the year. Please note I’m talking the 2009 49′ers, not the 1989 49′ers. Needing some help offensively, Washington took a DE, CB, ILB in the first 3 rounds. Congrats you’re the anti-Eagles.
Washington 8-8
Philadelphia. Great team and a coach who couldn’t manage a clock if you spotted him a Czar of common sense. I don’t see them being world beaters, but they’re better than the other two teams.
10-6
NYG
Met YA Title once. Great guy. Super nice. Eli Manning is no YA Title. (talent wise). The real question is what’s the over / under on Coughlin reverting to Marine Corps DI mode if the ‘gints start off slow?
10-6
August 28th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Irish- I don’t expect the Giants to do poorly, I think they’ll go 9-7 just like the Redskins.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
DancingBaptist- The Redskins took two wide receivers and a tight end in the first two rounds of the 2008 draft who are just starting to contribute. Are you saying they should have done that again?
August 28th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
This one was loaded with awesome references. Specifically a Calvin and Hobbes reference.
Furthermore, I hate the lot of you. The only way the Cowboys will suck again this year is if Jason Garrett continues to make all the play calls. Which is going to happen.
Fuck me.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
big ten speed- Philly and Chicago better than the skins D. Comical!!
Top 3 in defense and we steal the division.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
This is the year of the great Cowboy collapse and I’m getting in on the ground floor.
No fucking way. All Giants games will be low scoring because they just can’t run for 250 yards a game with 9 guys in the box to stop Jacobs. Leron Landry wants another shot at getting KTFO on national TV again so I predict that will happen. Colt Brennan finally gets to start and looks like Kevin Kolb. Eagles offense looks scary good, but you’re right (about time), Reid will find a way to fuck it up putting in Vick at the wrong time and killing their momentum.
I’m not predicting the Cowboys win the division this season, but they are better than 9-7 and you’ll find out when the Foreskins are 4-12 and their fans are sucking dick in Landover to cure their depression.
/that jumbotron is way to big and low though
//Double JJ is insane
///Cowboys win despite the insanity
August 28th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Um, have we forgotten that the NFCE plays the AFCW and NFCS this season? Just sayin’.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
eagles win the division, and the giants will be second. normally she-li would bitch his way outta tight situations but without his 9-foot safety blanket those lofty passes will soon become picks.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
God I would hate to root for any of these teams. I live in Dallas, so it’s fun to watch the anguish every year after the cowboys find some horrible new way to keep their playoff-win drought alive. This year should be epic.
/gets popcorn
August 28th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
One of the best defenses in the league returns just about everybody and they added Albert Haynesworth and Brian Orakpo.
Now, if only we could teach them to play offense.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Unsilent Majority. My mistake, did not look back that far.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Maj is wading through this discussion with fists a swingin. Defend yo’ Shit!
As a Giants fan I’m glad I enjoy good defense, because it’s gonna be one of those years. If Feagles hits the scoreboard, will they be calling that a block? Asterisk.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
FO (http://www.footballoutsiders.com/stats/teamdef) thinks Washington’s defense was #11 in the league last year, and I trust them more than I trust simple count stats.
Of course, Skins fans are quite right to expect that Big Al + O-sack-po will make the Skins a top-5 defense this season.
Should be a very competitive division!
August 28th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Everyone knows the Patriots will win this division due to the she-ya will and dawminance of the Bawstin faithful for them to win in two leagues. Therefore, the Super Bowl matchup will be the New England Patriots of the NFC vs. the New England Patriots of the AFC. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
August 28th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
“Irish- I don’t expect the Giants to do poorly, I think they’ll go 9-7 just like the Redskins.”
Well then I guess I’m SORRY!
…Oh wait, I wasn’t being sarcastic there.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
@Tawmmy: +1
August 28th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
nfc is inferior anyway. it doesnt matter.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Tawmmy for the win!
August 28th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I like the way you slipped in the whoring of Ape’s book.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
#54 in the giants photo looks suspiciously like Patton Oswalt.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
The eagles offensive line will not allow another 9 win season. They’ve got their eyes set on 6.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
ORAKPOPHOBIA-The crippling fear of having to block, slow down, or confront #98. Common symptoms are false start penalties and blatant holding. (courtesy of hogs haven)
August 28th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
elburrito- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Fan
August 28th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Well, this division is the Eagles’ to lose. While Reid finds ways to blow it for the Eagles, that usually happens in the playoffs. So, I’m giving them the crown.
If Plaxico is allowed to avoid jail time, which I heard maybe an outside shot, could the Giants re-sign him? Or, is his days as a Giant over? Cause if he can avoid jail time, I think the Giants can beat out the Eagles. If not, I’m guessing they’ll be a 9-7 team. Yes, I think Plax not being in the lineup for a season will cost the Giants 3 wins this year.
Oh my sweet black jesus, I can’t wait for the Cowboys to go 6-10 this year. By the end of the season, Romo will be fumbling the ball on every snap.
August 28th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I wanted to stab McDaniels in the face with a rusty screwdriver when the Broncos passed on Orakpo. That guy is an animal. But picking him would have been too conventional for McD. He likes to keep people guessing.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
last year everyone was picking Dallas; this year they’re picking the Eagles.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
‘All Giants games will be low scoring because they just can’t run for 250 yards a game with 9 guys in the box to stop Jacobs’.
Did somebody who watches football games actually say this. How often do we see defenses go 9 men in the box. No D-Coordinator wants to send the message to his front 7 saying they are not good enough to stop the run. The Giants would beg teams to consistently play 9 in the box. The one thing that Eli excels at is play-action. Your receivers don’t have to be great if they are running free and clear. And oh by the way, with Osi back, it’s the best D in the division. Giants win this division easy.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Oof. What a rough round of projections. Redskins more than 8 wins? The swamp heat must be getting to your nether regions.
August 28th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Irish Cream of the Green and White. Did you really trash Eli when there has been total ineptitude at QB by your squad of losers since Joe Willie. After an 0-4 start this year with Sanchez being pummelled into the sod, the only thing J-E-T-S will stand for is:
J acking off
E xercises
T onight
S anchez
August 28th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
GOOD GOD. Some of you douchebags take these predictions way too seriously. Did you miss the part where he wrote “/homer,” or the fact that another post on the front page involves octopus rape? You know what you’re getting when you come to KSK, so settle the fuck down. These are not goddamn Peter King’s picks in SI…. wait, bad example
August 28th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
@Charlie Sweatpants
You mean you want JJ to melt down TIXAS style.
/surprised no one had noticed yet
//takes W&J way too seriously
August 28th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
redrocket/yourmomlovesme/suzysmyho/Ben did it/Ben could have done it- this is a humor website that doesn’t take itself too seriously. I’m not sure what it is you’re looking for other than validation in the greatness of your own team from a website.”
then why are you taking me seriously?
August 28th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
The worst team in the division is Washington easy. Everyone else is gonna be bunched up at 10-6 range. Cept the skins, my god do they suck. If they go 6-10 i’ll be shocked. Can we start the Chase Daniel chants now?
August 29th, 2009 at 9:27 am
@The Howitzer: Wasn’t trashing Eli. Just saying the dark can be a very scary place without your favorite blanky.
August 29th, 2009 at 11:37 am
The eagles on paper are the best team in the division right now. key word being on paper though. It hasnt helped that Shawn Andrews has a giant vagina and Jason Peters has looked fat and lazy. Jason Avant is Hines Ward 2.0(a poor mans hines ward)
August 31st, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Who the fuck linked to this page bringing in the unfunny? I now hate all four teams..
EVERYONE WHO LIKES A NFC EAST TEAM SECRETLY LOVE TRANNY PORN. THEY ALL FANTASIZE ABOUT GETTING FACEFUCKED WHILE GRABBING A PAIR OF TITTIES.
August 31st, 2009 at 1:56 pm
No problem, IrishCream. I just get a little sensitive. And you might be right. Didn’t watch the Football version of the Mayor’s Trophy game, but I saw the highlight where Eli out of play action threw a perfect bomb to Steve Smith running free, but he forgot to catch the ball. The favorite blanky may very well be missed.