KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake: AFC West
The latest installment of KSK’s division previews, tiding our time as we collective count down the days until our lives once again have meaning.
San Diego Chargers (2008 record: 8-8, Projected 2009 record: 10-6 )
Here is what we know about the Bolts. LaDanian Tomlinson is healthy.
The Chargers should have less pressure on their offense now that Shawne Merriman is back and joined in the linebacking corps by first-round pick Larry English.
Wide receiver Buster Davis continues to develop and big things are expected from him this season.
Furthermore, the Chargers have been experimenting with the “wildcat offense” in training camp…
… with Tomlinson and Legedu Naanee lining up at quarterback.
Denver Broncos (2008 record: 8-8, Projected 2009 record: 5-11 )
Bronco fans have suffered through a tumultuous off-season. First the team fired their multiple Super Bowl winning and future Hall of Fame coach. Then they hired the soon-to-be latest Belichick protégé to crash and burn. Said coach then immediately pissed off their franchise quarterback, who forced a trade for a shitty neckbeard quarterback. Oh, and they paid too much for the husk of Brian Dawkins. Meanwhile, the Denver Post is keeping its readers up to date on all the preseason action. No, we’re not referring to their crappy exhibition games– they are live blogging Brandon Marshall’s trial on battery charges. This is going to be a fanfuckingtastic season for Bronco haters.
Kansas City Chiefs (2008 record: 2-14, Projected 2009 record: 6-10)
New coach Todd Haley hates his wideouts. No, I mean he fucking hates them. He hates Dwayne Bowe. He hates Devard Darling. But this isn’t surprising if you remember how famously he got along with Anquan Boldin. Here are Haley’s latest efforts to motivate his receivers.
“Haley had Bowe’s eyes checked to find out whether his dropped passes were related to poor vision, had cleats examined to help receivers improve their routes and has tried verbal assault therapy — anything to get through to Bowe, who is talented but inconsistent.”
So, what’s next on Haley’s passive-aggressive wide receiver emasculation schedule? We checked:
Oakland Raiders (2008 record: Projected 2009 record: 16-0, Super Bowl bitchez )
Back in April during a live chat on NFL.com, Michael Crabtree was asked about the prospect of being drafted by the Raiders who held the seventh pick. His response? “No comment.” Fast forward four months and Crabtree is holding out of 49ers training camp, claiming that even though he was the tenth overall pick, he should receive compensation greater than that of the Darrius Heyward-Bey—whom the Raiders drafted in his stead. Hey Crabtree, if you wanted Crazy Al to overpay you instead of DHB, maybe you should have chosen your words a little more carefully. Now kindly choke on a three-dick salad, you self-important cocksocket.
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Tags: devard darling sounds like something from a old lady's romance paperback, Homerism, KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake
August 13th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
“16-0, Super Bowl bitchez”
Boy, will it be a fun time at the NFL HQ when the Raiders end up 18-1, losing in the SB, and Crazy Count Al has Roger and his lawyers phones ringing non-stop.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Denver also traded away next year’s first-round draft pick to the Seahawks.
/will mention this at least 30 more times throughout this season
August 13th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Over/under on Haley’s first major meltdown: 3 games.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
@CC for a fucking 2nd round pick no less. Fuck!
/thank god for FF or this fall would be completely useless.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Wow, that is one fucked-up division.
/tickled shitless that Cowboys play AFCW
August 13th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
And don’t think Eagles fans are going to forgive you Elway-sniffing spooge-sponges for that shit, either.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Oakland Raiders (2008 record: Projected 2009 record: 16-0, Super Bowl bitchez )
Interestingly, flubby’s homerism is actually below normal for a Raiders fan.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Two play-off teams out of the AFC West, including the Champs? Methinks you doth smoke weed too much.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
“Buster Davis continues to develop”
WTF??? Develop what, a chronic knee injury? Athlete’s foot? A tumor??? It’ll be a career highlight for him if he can stay healthy for more than 2 regular season games. Oh wait, he already got hurt in camp. Maybe he’ll just sit this season out and take home his loot. Nice work if you can get it. They don’t call him BUSTer for nothing.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
So the Cowboys will be the team to put that “1″ in the loss column for the Raiders in the Super Bowl, RIGHT?!?!?
CHAM-PION-SHIP!!!
August 13th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Could we see a head coach vs head coach fight in this division? Haley v McDaniel could happen — with McDaniel going for the AIDS rapey move.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I could see 14-2 for the Raiders, but 16-0? That’s a tall task.
/SBXXXVII
August 13th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
needs more Super AIDS
August 13th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
looks like I need to pick up Devard Darling in my ff league. Hope he’s still available!
August 13th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Two play-off teams out of the AFC West, including the Champs? Methinks you doth smoke weed too much
Actually I believe meth is the drug of choice for Raider fans.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
I’ll be honest, I’m thinking of taking Rivers as my starting QB in my FF league. Brady’s return is questionable, Romo is flaky (and without T.O.), Brees will probably be gone and Ryan is good, but this is his Sophomore season (so to speak).
August 13th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
What’s the over/under for number of games before McDaniels says the line “Kyle Orton is our quarterback”?
August 13th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Not a fan, but does anyone else think the Chargers are the surest division-winner pick? Ya better ask…never mind.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I like the cut of your jib, flub.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
No worries, Chiefs fans. Darling and Bowe will get their shit together once they get back from the gyno appointment Haley scheduled for them.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
what’s a jib?
August 13th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
The only thing we can be sure of, is that come season’s end, the Raiders will have lost their 13th consecutive game to the Chargers and Al Davis will inexplicably still walk among us.
Pretty certain the only thing expected out of Buster Davis is that he’ll be cut sooner than later. Chargers don’t need him….we got Legedu!
August 13th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Haley should give the Voight-Kampf test a try on those receivers.
It’s a shame they won’t win…. but then again, who does?
August 13th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Not a fan, but does anyone else think the Chargers are the surest division-winner pick? Ya better ask…never mind.
Yes, by a hair over the Steelers.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
My God, can it actually be? Was Count Al passing up Crabtree a…GASP…A SAVVY MOVE?
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No, but at least they grabbed someone who’ll suit up.
August 13th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Is this true? Is the over/under on Broncos wins really at 5? I’ll put my house on the under. The Broncos are fucking screwed.
Oh, and the Chargers will have this division officially won by Thanksgiving.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Best name on the Chargers: Dan Gay, Ben’s younger brother.
http://www.nfl.com/players/dangay/profile?id=GAY207645
August 13th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Is it wrong that at the end of the Chargers synopsis, I expected to read the words “Door Flies Open”?
August 14th, 2009 at 1:34 am
LaFavre’s Next Interception Says:
August 13th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Over/under on Haley’s first major meltdown: 3 games
I’ll take the “Under” for $1000, Alex.
August 14th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Take it from an old salt such as myself that knows a thing or two about boats. A jib is a triangular shaped sail on the front of a schooner that helps the ship pick up extra wind while at sea and allows the vessel to travel at heretofore unheard of nautical speeds.
August 14th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Any post that puts the Raiders in the Super Bowl is a GREAT post!
Just as long as they don’t have to face their previous coach who teaches his D all their O signals and effectively shuts down their O. Between that and the tuck rule, fuck me.
August 15th, 2009 at 2:42 am
“Haley had Bowe’s eyes checked to find out whether his dropped passes were related to poor vision, had cleats examined to help receivers improve their routes and has tried verbal assault therapy — anything to get through to Bowe, who is talented but inconsistent.”
I love that Coach Haley is making the head coach of the team I follow seem warm, fuzzy, and supportive. As a Giants fan, I’ve been waiting years to say that.
August 15th, 2009 at 2:55 am
Garrett Says:
What’s the over/under for number of games before McDaniels says the line “Kyle Orton is our quarterback”?
First pre-season game! Three interceptions against the 49ers.
Coach Josh McDaniels reaffirmed Orton is his starter and he wouldn’t make any “knee-jerk reaction.”
“He made a few mistakes tonight, but I haven’t lost faith in him and neither have our players,” McDaniels said.
Source: http://www.gazette.com/sports/picks-60257-broncos-preseason.html
August 15th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Jesus Tapdancing Christ! The Over/Under for Broncos wins on Bodog is seven!
SEVEN!
This will require some minor modifications to the old Flowchart for Success (http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/10/covering-your-way-to-house-in.html), but the net result will be the same: weed and whores for everyone!
August 16th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
i heartily endorse your reaming of Crabtree
/9er AND Raider fan