The latest installment of KSK’s division previews, tiding our time as we collective count down the days until our lives once again have meaning.

San Diego Chargers (2008 record: 8-8, Projected 2009 record: 10-6 )

Here is what we know about the Bolts. LaDanian Tomlinson is healthy.

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The Chargers should have less pressure on their offense now that Shawne Merriman is back and joined in the linebacking corps by first-round pick Larry English.

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Wide receiver Buster Davis continues to develop and big things are expected from him this season.

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Furthermore, the Chargers have been experimenting with the “wildcat offense” in training camp…

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… with Tomlinson and Legedu Naanee lining up at quarterback.

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Denver Broncos (2008 record: 8-8, Projected 2009 record: 5-11 )

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“You like this whistle trick? Pretty cool, huh?”

Bronco fans have suffered through a tumultuous off-season. First the team fired their multiple Super Bowl winning and future Hall of Fame coach. Then they hired the soon-to-be latest Belichick protégé to crash and burn. Said coach then immediately pissed off their franchise quarterback, who forced a trade for a shitty neckbeard quarterback. Oh, and they paid too much for the husk of Brian Dawkins. Meanwhile, the Denver Post is keeping its readers up to date on all the preseason action. No, we’re not referring to their crappy exhibition games– they are live blogging Brandon Marshall’s trial on battery charges. This is going to be a fanfuckingtastic season for Bronco haters.

 

 

Kansas City Chiefs (2008 record: 2-14, Projected 2009 record: 6-10)

New coach Todd Haley hates his wideouts. No, I mean he fucking hates them. He hates Dwayne Bowe. He hates Devard Darling. But this isn’t surprising if you remember how famously he got along with Anquan Boldin. Here are Haley’s latest efforts to motivate his receivers.

“Haley had Bowe’s eyes checked to find out whether his dropped passes were related to poor vision, had cleats examined to help receivers improve their routes and has tried verbal assault therapy — anything to get through to Bowe, who is talented but inconsistent.”

So, what’s next on Haley’s passive-aggressive wide receiver emasculation schedule? We checked:

  • Hire psychologist to administer the Stanford-Binet 5 to detect possible mental retardation.
  • Consult priest to see if they are possessed by demon which disrupts basic motor skills.
  • Had proctologist conduct examination to determine if their heads were lodged in anal cavity.
  • Called in dermatologist and souis-chef to see if their fingers were in fact coated in butter.
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    Oakland Raiders (2008 record: Projected 2009 record: 16-0, Super Bowl bitchez )

    Back in April during a live chat on NFL.com, Michael Crabtree was asked about the prospect of being drafted by the Raiders who held the seventh pick. His response? “No comment.” Fast forward four months and Crabtree is holding out of 49ers training camp, claiming that even though he was the tenth overall pick, he should receive compensation greater than that of the Darrius Heyward-Bey—whom the Raiders drafted in his stead. Hey Crabtree, if you wanted Crazy Al to overpay you instead of DHB, maybe you should have chosen your words a little more carefully. Now kindly choke on a three-dick salad, you self-important cocksocket.

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