Kimble Anders Done Screwed the Pooch
The following is the winning entry in the tip contest for The Football Fan’s Manifesto (here’s an interview I did about the book for The New York Times’ Fifth Down Blog). The winner has been sent a list of my Steelers gear (crusty underwear being possibly too flammable has been left off), from which he will choose something for me to destroy and I will post the video of that on the blog closer toward the time of the release of the book, you bloodthirsty jackal bastards. Anyway, here’s the winner Thalas’ entry.
“So, a million (seven or eight) years ago, I used to work for an agency (Solid Gold Entertainment in Burlington, VT) that provided entertainment for gentlemen on their bachelor parties, birthdays, etc. I would make lame jokes into the mic and engage the audience (to whatever degree it was necessary, often less was more) while young ladies would seek to pique the partygoers interests using only their feminine wiles. I was also responsible for driving the talent to party sites.
I’m at a mechanic’s garage in Poultny, Vt with four girls and the owner of the business as an extra set of hands. At this point, I was the extra set of hands. This was for a bachelor party. For whatever reason, there were a few people there who know the groom from college (Houston, it looks like) who played sports and had a modicum of time in the national consciousness. Among them was a gentleman who was a multiple-time pro-bowl offensive player back in the day. (Shh…Kimble Anders. I should state that as a life-long Bills fan, I really couldn’t give a fig about Kimble Anders one way or another before I met him the afternoon in question) This man was very drunk before we showed up, and continued to stay sloshed throughout the evening. I don’t mean to give the impression that he wasn’t watching the girls or anything, but he spent hours trying to engage me in conversation. At this point, I was still relatively new to the business and somewhat unsure of myself, so I was trying to be polite and funny to him without neglecting my duties in front of my boss. The other people at the party clearly liked him and they took turns trying to engage him and shut him up, but he kept working his way over to me (at the time, I used to wear Hawaiian shirts a lot — maybe that was it).
The offensive player in question started out by trying to appeal to my intelligence. He kept talking about this friend of his who invented the sentence, or at least that’s how it sounded. He was actually just telling me about a Noam Chomsky book he was working his way through. Then, he kept trying to tell me about some teammate of his that was gay (I think the guy I talked to played for the same team his entire career), but I couldn’t tell you who it was now even if you told me the name (some friends say I said Bracy Walker at the time, but that doesn’t seem right to me now, and it wouldn’t really matter to me unless you’ve already heard stories and can confirm this for me). Finally, He begins to tell me of this player’s ritual his team had. I’m very sorry to report that this involved a passing around a picture of a dog (an English Bulldog he kept saying) and his teammates (not him, of course, so says he) would take turns placing parts of their anatomy in holes cut out in the picture to get “screwing the pooch out of their system”. I think he said this was something that happened in training camp each year, but things were not clear to me (maybe this never happened, but I thoroughly am convinced that at the time, he believed it was true). According to him, a Hall-of-Famer and (at least one) potential future HOFer were involved in this. What of this is true, I cannot say, but it has certainly colored my perception about a whole team and potentially all players in general.”
Because you didn’t homoerotic misadventures went on in every locker room? Interesting. Anyway, a fine winning entry and please be merciful when deciding which priceless piece of merch I must destroy to please the readers.
Also, congrats to commenter Pip and reader Lance for each getting a free copy of the book for their winning (but not quite grand prize winning entries). Here are a couple ‘Shops Lance did.
Tags: book whoring, football fan's manifesto, kimble anders, xmas ape
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:36 am
and Vick gets thrown in jail
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:39 am
His prize should be writing lessons.
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:41 am
So this was a contest to see who could use the most parenthetical statements in a boring story, right?
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:42 am
I don’t like to be unnecessarily negative (blatant lie), but that story was truly awful. Did you only receive two entries for this contest?
“So I was at this party, and I don’t remember who said it, or what they said, but I think some dudes put their dicks through a hole in a picture once.”
If I sent in this link, would I have won the grand prize?
http://www.amazon.com/Penis-Pokey-Christopher-Behrens/dp/1594741484
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Yeah, we didn’t get a ton.
Nobody wants my book!
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 am
I want it, but I was too lazy to do something creative to earn it. Does my honesty count for anything?
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 am
I was once served beer by Deron Cherry.
His wife is a smoking hot white woman.
This is a true story.
No parenthesis, I think my comment beats this story.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
I like the way you spend the first part of the story insinuating he wanted to fuck you, then veered off into the dick/dog nonsense. I only suffered through the fucking thing cause I thought the end result would be he forcefully fingered you.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
I’d rather have a story where its so obscure I question whether or not the story was made up.
This story sucked so much ass I do not care if it was fabricated.
Actually–I do care. I hope it was so I can dislike it even more.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Maybe he’ll piss you off even more and tell me not to burn any of my Steelers stuff!
/fingers crossed
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
“Nobody wants my book!”
Actually, nobody wants you to destroy any of your Steelers gear, Ape. We know how fragile you are when it comes to your team. We love you and we don’t want to see you hurting.
/free book please
//fuck the Steelers
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 am
Cool story bro
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:23 am
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
/I was saying boooourns
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
i beat the current eagles center in madden 09 at a bar… and then he tried to eat me.
… do i get a book now?
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
I once told Derrick Thomas that seat belts are for pussies.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
i beat the current eagles center in madden 09 at a bar… and then he tried to eat me.
… do i get a book now?
Had you sent it in before July 31…uh, probably.
/timing is everything
//worst contest ever
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
I’ve heard better yarns on the Chris Farley Show.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
That story isn’t worth destroying any of your memorabilia and the corresponding clinical depression.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
Thanks Olaf!
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I’m a Chief’s fan and that story bored the shit out of me.
I got Doug Plank’s autograph at a Bear’s charity basketball game in 1976 or ‘77. Impressive, I know. It gets better…other autographs obtained that evening – Doug Buffone, Bob Avellini, and some other relative nobodies that I don’t recall.
Walter Payton was supposed to be there but did not show. Fucker.
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
What’s the goal of the contest? What kind of stories do you want?
I once followed Mike Ditka out of a bar with my father, and approached him outside his classic roadster for an autograph. He cursed us out for following him and not respecting his privacy but still signed. I have a picture of my 9-year-old self standing next to him as he scribbles his name down on the bar’s menu with a cigar hanging out of his mouth.
Barry Minter substitute taught my 4th grade class and I was the first one who recognized him. We started demanding autographs, but he refused because he didn’t want any of us to miss the bus.
No parentheses necessary.
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
My buddy’s mom banged Troy Aikman in a Applebee’s janitor’s closet. She said Aikman was thinking about Mark Stepnoski the whole time.
/book please
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Joe Theismann once hit on my mom at his restaurant.
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I read the whole thing waiting to read about how you made out with him and how he got you to do something for him because you were trying to be nice for the boss.
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Booooooorrrrrring!
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
On one side it WAS a dog. On the other side, Carl Peterson’s “O” mouth.
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Maybe we can settle on shaving your cat.
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Back in my good ol’ reporting days I was sexuallly harassed in the Patriots locker room. I got audio, but Tawmmy stole the tape out of my purse. Thus the road to a storied franchise begins…….
/win
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
And some would say that the Chiefs have been screwing the pooch ever since…
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
My only real athlete encounter story involves a football camp I went to at 15, masterminded by Steelers DT Kevin Henry. To sum things up as quickly as possible, Rod Woodson was advertised but never showed up (bummer), Mike Tomczak also didn’t show up, (which was fine, because as a Bears fan, I wanted him to die), but Greg Lloyd actually did come down on the last day of the camp, and among other things, punched a kid in the chest and knocked him back about ten feet for making fun of Tae Kwon Do, awarded me a tote bag for being the lineman that “disappointed him the least,” and left the charity basketball game that happened after the camp to sit with me and my brother in the stands, possibly because we were the only white people there. On the way up the bleachers, he stole a toddler’s bag of popcorn. Greg Lloyd is awesome. Also, Jim Miller regaled us with stories Tom Newberry had told him about how Jim Everett sleeps in a special chamber to keep his ions alligned.
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I once met Joe Theisman at his restaurant, in the bathroom, while he was getting a blowjob from some kids mom.
True Story
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
The only things that story needs now are a few “AMIRITES?” or “True Story.”
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
One time I was watching the Super Bowl and I kept yelling at the Steelers’ quarterback – I forget his name, Irish fella I think – to “throw it to Larry Brown”. And he did! Twice!
True story.
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:44 pm
My cousin in Denver was at the game when Steve Atwater destroyed Christian Okoye.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yScioc_dmXg
True story.
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Dude lives in Vermont and can’t spell the name of the town when there are, what, four in the whole state? Claims a gay guy “played for the same team”? And refers to a fetish that didn’t even makes the tournament?
/calls bullshit.
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:01 pm
That’s the best story out there about guys interacting with NFL players? I could beat that with some stories about how drunk the 4 time Super Bowl coker Bills would get.
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Like I said, entries for this contest were scant. Rull scant.
/places blame squarely on the readers
//please buy my book
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
I’m a Chief’s fan and that story bored the shit out of me.
Ditto.
Sure, I could have written in about the time my sister’s roommate’s cousin once saw Lyle Alzado pistol whip a nun, but I got wrapped up with some other shit last week.
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
HAW HAW! You over-estimated your readership!
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:24 pm
I worked at a Cajun restaurant in a suburb of Houston(Papadeaux’s) during the late ’90s. Lamar Lathon was a regular there – and would regularly take 45 minutes to finish his business in the restroom. It was a huge restroom with 8 stalls and 8 urinals. Mr. Lathon would hustle people out and lock the door so that he was the only one in there. We would all laugh and joke about it until he would come out wet and get pissed off about his food being cold(he was always there to pick up the order to-go and usually by himself). We had to pretend like we put the order into the computer so that he would go to the rest room. At the 25 minute mark, we would actually put the order in. That was the only way that he was a happy customer. He would also ask for free drinks while he waited, which he never drank because he was in the shitter the entire time until he left………Good tipper, though.
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Choker, sorry
August 4th, 2009 at 7:51 am
I did a public appearance with Rudi Johnson and Steelers fans brought in newspapers featuring the latest Steelers beat down of the Bengals at the time and he autographed them. That’s a better story and it sucks. Oh, and he was late.
August 4th, 2009 at 10:27 am
@ Arm Strongcock:
By “business” you mean “coke,” right?
August 4th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I got a football autographed at a Patriots training camp when I was young. There are a bunch of names scribbled on there, but the only name I can really read is “Eugene Chung”
/lose
August 4th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
If you decide on the plot elements of a bachelor party in a garage in the middle of Vermont and Kimble Anders reading Noam Chomsky, the rest just writes itself, no?
October 28th, 2009 at 3:41 am
I went to college with both Kimble and Lamar and I am more curious about who the groom in VT was?