Jared Allen Done Caught a Case of the Schisms
DURR-HURR-HURR!
What’s the best way to quash a rumor of organizational discord? If you’re a bunch of True Blue Collar Amurricans like Brittfar and Jared Allen (who looks like a Squidbilly with his hair like that), it’s pretending not to know the meaning of fancy-dancy words like schism, because any locution that doesn’t end in a apostrophe isn’t worth knowing. Gunslingin’? That’s a word. DUIin’? ‘nother good one. Huntin’ for water fowl with Purple Jesus an’ my smellhound? Best believe that’s one long compound word of awesome.
And yet because of Brandon Marshall, these aren’t even the most monstrous diptards in the news today. I blame the schisms!
August 28th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Peter King got schism all over himself just thinking about Brett Farve.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Brittfar fixin’ ta mosey ’round behind dat dur Norseline an chuck the ol’ pigskurn right to dem dang ol’ d-backs
August 28th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
“Unabated to the QB, now what that means is….unabated, now thats a big word, thats like, thats like…”mayonnaise.” That’s the biggest word I know.”
-John Madden, ca. 1994, overheard on an NFL Network old tyme playoff game replay
Is it any wonder these here are his kinda’ folks?
August 28th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I got the schisms once from eatin’ too many a them there green apples.
August 28th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Is Allen’s smellhound named Geech?
/gratuitous Simpsons reference
August 28th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
This almost makes the absence of Sexy Friday worth it…
August 28th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I’m still drunk at noon and I have to deal with this?
No.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
That was poetry. Sheer poetry.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Can we get Brett Favre to defenestrate himself?
August 28th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
this makes me happy that this is drews favorite team. thats what he gets for the chiefs references in the book.
/knows all teams are fair game, still doesnt care.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
He learned the hard way about paddlin’ the school canoe because “…ooh, you better believe that’s a paddlin’.”
August 28th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Schism, ain’t dat dere a girl part where ya stick yur ding dong?
August 28th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Speaking of Squidbillies…
Early: “Nah, nah, there’s no “g” in muddin’, it’s m-u-d-d-i-n. Muddin’.”
August 28th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
@ Theotis Jones
that may be one of my top ten favorite simpsons moments ever. win.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
They teach abstinence…and that’s why the Vikes will never fuck anybody up.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Thet boy’s pullin’ yer laig…
August 28th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
After what interception does Purple Jesus take out the shotgun and put BrittFavra down.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Sometimes when I eats too muchadatdereol ice creamanstuff I gets me a case o the schisms real bad. Gotta run to demfarroff bushes to make sure I don’t schism all over muhself donchakno.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Jared Allen is every bit as funny as the dickhead in the elevator who says “suck it in” when there’s one more person that wants to squeeze in.
But he loves a camera almost as much as Cinco.
August 28th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
And by schism, he means 5-11.
August 28th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
wait – no one mentioned 3-13?
Drew can shoot me now
August 28th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
YES. Squidbillies references should abound on this site.
Now if only I could have the still-beating heart of Brett Favre delivered to my doorstep for kidnapping Santa, then I’d be all set…
August 28th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
We preach abstinence around these parts……
But on a boat, we preach banging as many strippers as you can.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
“We preach abstinence around these parts…”
Which parts? The parts that came down with the schism?
August 28th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
STEP YOUR TOOL DISCOGRAPHY KNOWLEDGE UP!
August 28th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I discovered recently that I suddenly hate Jared Allen. He’s done nothing to me, but every time I see him, I just keep thinking, “Goddamn, that’s a douchebag.” This does not help.
August 29th, 2009 at 1:07 am
/has done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Those lyrics are strangely and terribly fitting
September 1st, 2009 at 3:57 am
Guys, guys … It’s abSENCE … “we preach ABSENCE ’round these parts” … as in … on the field …