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When Phil Knight, CEO of Nike, launched an ad campaign in 1988 encouraging aspiring basketball shoe owners to Just Do It, he very well could have been discussing man’s uncertainty with the opposite sex. Sexuality was a very inhibited thing, even just 21 years ago. Nowadays people are showcasing their goods everywhere, seemingly without restraint. But what does it all mean? That’s the question we try to slap with our junk in this week’s mailbag. img.

Punishers of Hangy Balls -

Football: I have the second pick in one of my drafts and cant for the life of me decide on a clear cut #2 pick after adrian peterson.  I am leaning towards Steve Fucking Slaton.  Am I a moron?

Yes.

Seems like all the rest of the high profile backs besides Mike Turner will be sharing carries.

Maurice Jones-Drew won’t be losing too many carries to Greg Jones; DeAngelo Williams will still produce, despite Jonathan Stewart’s rise to prominence. I like your thinking with Slaton, but you should always draft for value with the first half of your picks. If you really feel that way about Slaton, draft Turner or MJD and trade for whoever winds up with him after the draft, asking the other guy for Slaton and a little extra. I doubt he’ll fall into your lap on the way back, but there is that chance.

Sex: I sleep with this girl once in a while and I really like her (gay I know).

Technically, that’s the opposite of gay.

When we hang out she tells me how much she likes me but then i wont hear from her for a while (I try not to contact her and seem stalkerish).  I also know she “dates” a lot of guys in between the times I see her.  Should I man up and bury my feelings and just stop talking to her?  or should I roll the dice and tell her I like her?  or should I just be happy with sex once in a while and the high risk of STD’s?

Sincerely,

A fag in Dallas

I couldn’t have sex with someone that I knew was getting it on with other dudes at the same time. I really don’t get it. If you like her…and you might want to write this part down…TELL HER. If she says she’s not interested…still writing?…YOU LEAVE.

Sexbaggers,

I’m a 20 year old male who recently spent a summer working at a sandwich place, where I met a young lady of my age.

Jesus H, buddy. We don’t need your life’s story.

The woman in question is undeniably cute, if not exactly stunning. I would qualify her as an 8.

So she’s a 6? On a good day?

We hit it off pretty well, got along, though because she has a kid and a live-in boyfriend (not the father), I haven’t tried to get fresh with her.

Do you hear that? Those are alarm bells going off…

We do, though, become friendly. To the point where we went shopping together for my dorm this semester. That particular incident pissed off her (rich, fit, cohabitant) boyfriend something fierce, to the point where he came into the store to check up on her the next day, apparently to make sure I wasn’t mounting her on the prep table.

That would have been a fine play. You obviously can’t go back to her place…

The night before I left for school, I get a request from her to buy her alcohol. I am young looking enough to get carded and have a lack of connections, so I tell her I can’t.

Lame.

She tells me to offer a picture of her nipple rings to my older brother. I tell her that my brother won’t even do it for me, but that by all means she should send me the picture, colon-dash-letter p. She sends one, her breasts are very nice, and I figure she is just one of those “free spirit” types and write it off as such after telling her that I was just joking. The next day, we’re texting and she apologizes for sending the picture. I tell her (because I am a pussy) that it’s hard to be just a platonic friend and not a pathetic wanna-jump-your-bones kind of friend when I have a picture like that.

Pussy.

She then tells me I’m simply not that kind of person (wrong), and that I am, I quote, huggable, as well as the possessor of a silly, fun loving personality as well as being a good listener.

In other words, you’re a fat loser.  A fat loser that can’t provide for her kid WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL THERE SHE HAS A FUCKING CHILD! A CHILD, I SAY!

All of that, as we know, means she [does not] intend to have sex/a relationship with me ever, a position she’s strongly if wordlessly maintained since we met.

Does she have a boy or a girl? And if it’s a girl, is she over 18? At least over 14?

Later that night, I get a picture of her obviously taken just out of the shower. She then says she thought it was a good picture, but didn’t want to send the others she took because I didn’t like the one of her boobs. I tell her that I did like it, she sends me yet more nude pictures, and I am suitably pleased, but also highly confused.

She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid

She and her boyfriend (also going to school) are moving up here soon, so it’s not like she’s going to be hours away and the most I can ever hope for is a weekly replenishment of the spank bank. So I guess my question is, is she just kind of slutty?

Yes. Like Hitler “kind of” didn’t like the Jews.

Is she interested in me? Both? Should I pursue this, or just stay away from the whole single-mother/living-with-a-boyfriend mess and try to find another woman goodly enough to send me nude pictures while I’m away at school?

You need a source for naked pictures. I’ll have to introduce you to my friend, Google Image Search. Best part of all? GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH HAS NO KIDS!

So far as fantasy, I generally tend to get either top three or bottom three draft spots. This year, however, in one of the leagues I’ve been in for a while, I’m 8 of 16. Who should I aim for with that spot? I am thinking somebody in the Chris Johnson/Steve Slaton mold, is that off? What about the second round? It’s .5 PPR, by the way.

I like the chances of either Brandon Jacobs and MJD falling your way, and then grabbling one of the Johnson receivers (Calvin or Andre) on the way back.  PPR is a big deal, especially when you can grab a guy that gets the bulk of looks from his team.

Dear Book Salesmen,

Football first. I am in a 12 team league in which you get two keepers from last season, thus the 24 top players are off the board before the first pick. I’ve had the luxury of having both Ladanian Tomlinson and Joseph Addai on my squad for several seasons. I raised them both from rookie pups, but now it appears my pups have been Vick’d. Is it time to release the hounds and replace them with new blood, or should I try to squeeze one more year out of either of their tired old legs? I have Matt Forte, Matt Ryan, and a few receivers such as Santonio Holmes & Anthony Gonzalez that I could replace them with. I think Forte is a solid top 10 pick and a lock to keep, but not sure about the rest. Who do you keep? Is LT still a top 24 pick?

He is not. Forte, as you’ve said, is entrenched in everyone’s top ten this summer. And no disrespect to Matt Ryan or Holmes, both of whom will have great seasons, but you shouldn’t be keeping anyone else.

I don’t know how your league works, but a lot of people are turned off by keeper leagues because of the first thing you mentioned—every year the top talent is unavailable to draft. The best keeper leagues utilize some sort of system that makes it more expensive for owners to keep the same players each season. The easiest way to do this is to slate each keeper as a draft choice one round higher than he was taken the previous year. For example, if I drafted Marion Barber in the third round last year, I would have to forfeit a second round pick this year to keep him, and a first round pick to do so next year. Food for thought.

Now sex. I’m fat. Not scrub myself with a rag on a stick fat, but a good 25 pounds overweight. People often assume that because I am fat, I like fat girls. This isn’t the case at all. Call it a fetish but I prefer women with nice bodies.

That’s not a fetish. And how dare you speak poorly of the rag on a stick.

I’d rather go without sex than mate with my own. I’ve done it a few times with big girls and I think I’d rather stir soup with my dick. Fortunately, I can occasionally charm my way into the pants of thin (and usually drunk) women. Thus, I prefer to take the quality over quantity approach in my sex life. The problem is, I’m in a rather long slump even by my standards. My friend’s wife wants to set me up with a plus sized friend that is pretty much a sure lay. Should I hop a train to hog heaven or just keep hoping that I hit the drunk chick lottery? Is it wrong for me to be opposed to dating large women?

– My Pants Say Husky

Men are easy targets for being accused of shallowness and viewing women as little more than objects. But women do it, too. But you’re asking for permission to be begging and choosing, so let’s get back on topic. There’s no shame in the occasional slumpbuster, provided that you have an exit strategy that doesn’t malign your friendship or make you persona non grata whenever his wife is home. The trains to hog heaven are vast and plentiful, but the trains outta there are few and far between.

Dear Clownsuit Afficianados,

Sex:

I’ll try and keep it short and sweet.

Spoiler Alert: He fails.

So I’ve had a thing for my best friend’s little sister for a while now (We’re both in our 20s you sick fucks).

Losing interest…

I’ve never acted on it, and we’ve never done anything more than harmless flirting.  But recently my feelings have grown stronger and the past couple times we’ve all hung out, the two of us have spent increasingly more time with one another.  I think she might share some feelings for me because she says things like how excited she is when she hears I’m coming to whatever event everyone will be at, and exclaims how much she “loves me” when I’m around.

I wish I had a Euro for every time we got an email that could be summed up with, “She really likes me! Do you think she likes me?”

The thing is she’s kind of a goof and we share a similar sense of humor so I don’t know how serious to take these comments.  Also we tend to drunk text one another, but it’s usually nothing sexual, more along the lines of a funny quote or a random movie reference.  I’ve never mentioned any of this stuff to him, but he has to have noticed how I hang out more with her than him when we’re all together.

I smell a three-way! No, wait, I just burned my microwave popcorn! Shit!

My question is what’s protocol for trying to date your best friend’s little sister?  Also, he is going away to a foreign country for an extended period of time for business in the near future.  Should I wait till he goes before making a move?  Should I even bother making a move?

Oh, this isn’t burned that bad. Just a little on the top of the bag. I think the rest of this is still good.

Because part of me thinks I might be in the friend zone because of how long we’ve known each other, but another part of me sees some of the classic signs a chick is into you when we hang out.

Do you know how microwave popcorn pops? Teflon! There’sTeflon in the fucking popcorn! I’m eating Teflon right now!

If there are no moral implications on the matter, how the hell do I propose to hang out with her one on one without her brother being present and without sounding like a creepshow?  Her brother could also squish me like a grape if he felt so inclined…something to consider.

Alright, your friend knows you fairly well, so he is going to decide whether or not you’re good enough for the sis, and just because he finds hanging out with you acceptable DOESN”T MEAN that he wants you in the family. But also realize that he might also be looking forward to this—he surely saw the signs before he said anything to you about it. That said, you don’t really seem interested in her as much as you seem opportunistic about getting into her pants, but it’s your rodeo, Cowboy. Either way, you’re a bag of dicks if you don’t discuss this with him. Today. Stay above board on this and things stand a better chance of working out in your favor.

Football:

Do you think the Giants should trade one of their excess D-lineman and a pick for Brandon Marshall?  There’s no mandatory 1 year sentence for beating your girlfriend in a NY nightclub right?

Wannabe Sister Fucker

Your friend is going to love that sig, Mr. “It’s nothing sexual.” Spare me.

If Osi getting hurt last year proves anything, it’s that you never know when you’ll call upon your bench to carry the day. The Giants had three Pro-Bowl defensive ends after they won Super Bowl XLII. As they began the following season, they had one. You should really try some of this popcorn.

Dear KSK:

Football: Even though I will be a senior in college, I still do a fantasy league with my high school friends.

Very awesome.

It turns out that one of our friends in the league lives literally next to James Brown of CBS’The NFL Today fame. Not only that, but our friend’s parents are supposedly friendly with him and his wife. So do you think he’d be willing to moderate our fantasy draft?

No.

Sex: my friends and I were talking about this the other day: Would you ever date a porn star?

Hell, no.

I mean on the one hand you’d have a really hot partner who would be willing to do just about anything sexually (you wouldn’t have to write KSK asking how to get anal). But on the other hand, when you two go out to make money during the day,…

I don’t know about this “going out” of which you speak.

…while you’d be doing whatever average desk job you have, she’d be out banging other dudes.  Thoughts?

ZK

Presuming that I could find a tall, busty brunette who was well-read, athletic, didn’t mind eating Subway three times a week and wasn’t annoyed with football, that would all be trumped by the fact that she banged other dudes on camera for a living. The social stigma and the increased risks of STDs could not be offset by the fact that I’d be dating an above-average looking woman who’s earning her own money and not enamored with the many annoying pretentions of modern society.

Because I hate wearing condoms.