Reading The KSK Mailbag Counts For Class Credit At The University Of Pune
When Phil Knight, CEO of Nike, launched an ad campaign in 1988 encouraging aspiring basketball shoe owners to Just Do It, he very well could have been discussing man’s uncertainty with the opposite sex. Sexuality was a very inhibited thing, even just 21 years ago. Nowadays people are showcasing their goods everywhere, seemingly without restraint. But what does it all mean? That’s the question we try to slap with our junk in this week’s mailbag. img.
Punishers of Hangy Balls -
Football: I have the second pick in one of my drafts and cant for the life of me decide on a clear cut #2 pick after adrian peterson. I am leaning towards Steve Fucking Slaton. Am I a moron?
Yes.
Seems like all the rest of the high profile backs besides Mike Turner will be sharing carries.
Maurice Jones-Drew won’t be losing too many carries to Greg Jones; DeAngelo Williams will still produce, despite Jonathan Stewart’s rise to prominence. I like your thinking with Slaton, but you should always draft for value with the first half of your picks. If you really feel that way about Slaton, draft Turner or MJD and trade for whoever winds up with him after the draft, asking the other guy for Slaton and a little extra. I doubt he’ll fall into your lap on the way back, but there is that chance.
Sex: I sleep with this girl once in a while and I really like her (gay I know).
Technically, that’s the opposite of gay.
When we hang out she tells me how much she likes me but then i wont hear from her for a while (I try not to contact her and seem stalkerish). I also know she “dates” a lot of guys in between the times I see her. Should I man up and bury my feelings and just stop talking to her? or should I roll the dice and tell her I like her? or should I just be happy with sex once in a while and the high risk of STD’s?
Sincerely,
A fag in Dallas
I couldn’t have sex with someone that I knew was getting it on with other dudes at the same time. I really don’t get it. If you like her…and you might want to write this part down…TELL HER. If she says she’s not interested…still writing?…YOU LEAVE.
Sexbaggers,
I’m a 20 year old male who recently spent a summer working at a sandwich place, where I met a young lady of my age.
Jesus H, buddy. We don’t need your life’s story.
The woman in question is undeniably cute, if not exactly stunning. I would qualify her as an 8.
So she’s a 6? On a good day?
We hit it off pretty well, got along, though because she has a kid and a live-in boyfriend (not the father), I haven’t tried to get fresh with her.
Do you hear that? Those are alarm bells going off…
We do, though, become friendly. To the point where we went shopping together for my dorm this semester. That particular incident pissed off her (rich, fit, cohabitant) boyfriend something fierce, to the point where he came into the store to check up on her the next day, apparently to make sure I wasn’t mounting her on the prep table.
That would have been a fine play. You obviously can’t go back to her place…
The night before I left for school, I get a request from her to buy her alcohol. I am young looking enough to get carded and have a lack of connections, so I tell her I can’t.
Lame.
She tells me to offer a picture of her nipple rings to my older brother. I tell her that my brother won’t even do it for me, but that by all means she should send me the picture, colon-dash-letter p. She sends one, her breasts are very nice, and I figure she is just one of those “free spirit” types and write it off as such after telling her that I was just joking. The next day, we’re texting and she apologizes for sending the picture. I tell her (because I am a pussy) that it’s hard to be just a platonic friend and not a pathetic wanna-jump-your-bones kind of friend when I have a picture like that.
Pussy.
She then tells me I’m simply not that kind of person (wrong), and that I am, I quote, huggable, as well as the possessor of a silly, fun loving personality as well as being a good listener.
In other words, you’re a fat loser. A fat loser that can’t provide for her kid WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL THERE SHE HAS A FUCKING CHILD! A CHILD, I SAY!
All of that, as we know, means she [does not] intend to have sex/a relationship with me ever, a position she’s strongly if wordlessly maintained since we met.
Does she have a boy or a girl? And if it’s a girl, is she over 18? At least over 14?
Later that night, I get a picture of her obviously taken just out of the shower. She then says she thought it was a good picture, but didn’t want to send the others she took because I didn’t like the one of her boobs. I tell her that I did like it, she sends me yet more nude pictures, and I am suitably pleased, but also highly confused.
She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid
She and her boyfriend (also going to school) are moving up here soon, so it’s not like she’s going to be hours away and the most I can ever hope for is a weekly replenishment of the spank bank. So I guess my question is, is she just kind of slutty?
Yes. Like Hitler “kind of” didn’t like the Jews.
Is she interested in me? Both? Should I pursue this, or just stay away from the whole single-mother/living-with-a-boyfriend mess and try to find another woman goodly enough to send me nude pictures while I’m away at school?
You need a source for naked pictures. I’ll have to introduce you to my friend, Google Image Search. Best part of all? GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH HAS NO KIDS!
So far as fantasy, I generally tend to get either top three or bottom three draft spots. This year, however, in one of the leagues I’ve been in for a while, I’m 8 of 16. Who should I aim for with that spot? I am thinking somebody in the Chris Johnson/Steve Slaton mold, is that off? What about the second round? It’s .5 PPR, by the way.
I like the chances of either Brandon Jacobs and MJD falling your way, and then grabbling one of the Johnson receivers (Calvin or Andre) on the way back. PPR is a big deal, especially when you can grab a guy that gets the bulk of looks from his team.
Dear Book Salesmen,
Football first. I am in a 12 team league in which you get two keepers from last season, thus the 24 top players are off the board before the first pick. I’ve had the luxury of having both Ladanian Tomlinson and Joseph Addai on my squad for several seasons. I raised them both from rookie pups, but now it appears my pups have been Vick’d. Is it time to release the hounds and replace them with new blood, or should I try to squeeze one more year out of either of their tired old legs? I have Matt Forte, Matt Ryan, and a few receivers such as Santonio Holmes & Anthony Gonzalez that I could replace them with. I think Forte is a solid top 10 pick and a lock to keep, but not sure about the rest. Who do you keep? Is LT still a top 24 pick?
He is not. Forte, as you’ve said, is entrenched in everyone’s top ten this summer. And no disrespect to Matt Ryan or Holmes, both of whom will have great seasons, but you shouldn’t be keeping anyone else.
I don’t know how your league works, but a lot of people are turned off by keeper leagues because of the first thing you mentioned—every year the top talent is unavailable to draft. The best keeper leagues utilize some sort of system that makes it more expensive for owners to keep the same players each season. The easiest way to do this is to slate each keeper as a draft choice one round higher than he was taken the previous year. For example, if I drafted Marion Barber in the third round last year, I would have to forfeit a second round pick this year to keep him, and a first round pick to do so next year. Food for thought.
Now sex. I’m fat. Not scrub myself with a rag on a stick fat, but a good 25 pounds overweight. People often assume that because I am fat, I like fat girls. This isn’t the case at all. Call it a fetish but I prefer women with nice bodies.
That’s not a fetish. And how dare you speak poorly of the rag on a stick.
I’d rather go without sex than mate with my own. I’ve done it a few times with big girls and I think I’d rather stir soup with my dick. Fortunately, I can occasionally charm my way into the pants of thin (and usually drunk) women. Thus, I prefer to take the quality over quantity approach in my sex life. The problem is, I’m in a rather long slump even by my standards. My friend’s wife wants to set me up with a plus sized friend that is pretty much a sure lay. Should I hop a train to hog heaven or just keep hoping that I hit the drunk chick lottery? Is it wrong for me to be opposed to dating large women?
– My Pants Say Husky
Men are easy targets for being accused of shallowness and viewing women as little more than objects. But women do it, too. But you’re asking for permission to be begging and choosing, so let’s get back on topic. There’s no shame in the occasional slumpbuster, provided that you have an exit strategy that doesn’t malign your friendship or make you persona non grata whenever his wife is home. The trains to hog heaven are vast and plentiful, but the trains outta there are few and far between.
Dear Clownsuit Afficianados,
Sex:
I’ll try and keep it short and sweet.
Spoiler Alert: He fails.
So I’ve had a thing for my best friend’s little sister for a while now (We’re both in our 20s you sick fucks).
Losing interest…
I’ve never acted on it, and we’ve never done anything more than harmless flirting. But recently my feelings have grown stronger and the past couple times we’ve all hung out, the two of us have spent increasingly more time with one another. I think she might share some feelings for me because she says things like how excited she is when she hears I’m coming to whatever event everyone will be at, and exclaims how much she “loves me” when I’m around.
I wish I had a Euro for every time we got an email that could be summed up with, “She really likes me! Do you think she likes me?”
The thing is she’s kind of a goof and we share a similar sense of humor so I don’t know how serious to take these comments. Also we tend to drunk text one another, but it’s usually nothing sexual, more along the lines of a funny quote or a random movie reference. I’ve never mentioned any of this stuff to him, but he has to have noticed how I hang out more with her than him when we’re all together.
I smell a three-way! No, wait, I just burned my microwave popcorn! Shit!
My question is what’s protocol for trying to date your best friend’s little sister? Also, he is going away to a foreign country for an extended period of time for business in the near future. Should I wait till he goes before making a move? Should I even bother making a move?
Oh, this isn’t burned that bad. Just a little on the top of the bag. I think the rest of this is still good.
Because part of me thinks I might be in the friend zone because of how long we’ve known each other, but another part of me sees some of the classic signs a chick is into you when we hang out.
Do you know how microwave popcorn pops? Teflon! There’sTeflon in the fucking popcorn! I’m eating Teflon right now!
If there are no moral implications on the matter, how the hell do I propose to hang out with her one on one without her brother being present and without sounding like a creepshow? Her brother could also squish me like a grape if he felt so inclined…something to consider.
Alright, your friend knows you fairly well, so he is going to decide whether or not you’re good enough for the sis, and just because he finds hanging out with you acceptable DOESN”T MEAN that he wants you in the family. But also realize that he might also be looking forward to this—he surely saw the signs before he said anything to you about it. That said, you don’t really seem interested in her as much as you seem opportunistic about getting into her pants, but it’s your rodeo, Cowboy. Either way, you’re a bag of dicks if you don’t discuss this with him. Today. Stay above board on this and things stand a better chance of working out in your favor.
Football:
Do you think the Giants should trade one of their excess D-lineman and a pick for Brandon Marshall? There’s no mandatory 1 year sentence for beating your girlfriend in a NY nightclub right?
Wannabe Sister Fucker
Your friend is going to love that sig, Mr. “It’s nothing sexual.” Spare me.
If Osi getting hurt last year proves anything, it’s that you never know when you’ll call upon your bench to carry the day. The Giants had three Pro-Bowl defensive ends after they won Super Bowl XLII. As they began the following season, they had one. You should really try some of this popcorn.
Dear KSK:
Football: Even though I will be a senior in college, I still do a fantasy league with my high school friends.
Very awesome.
It turns out that one of our friends in the league lives literally next to James Brown of CBS’The NFL Today fame. Not only that, but our friend’s parents are supposedly friendly with him and his wife. So do you think he’d be willing to moderate our fantasy draft?
No.
Sex: my friends and I were talking about this the other day: Would you ever date a porn star?
Hell, no.
I mean on the one hand you’d have a really hot partner who would be willing to do just about anything sexually (you wouldn’t have to write KSK asking how to get anal). But on the other hand, when you two go out to make money during the day,…
I don’t know about this “going out” of which you speak.
…while you’d be doing whatever average desk job you have, she’d be out banging other dudes. Thoughts?
ZK
Presuming that I could find a tall, busty brunette who was well-read, athletic, didn’t mind eating Subway three times a week and wasn’t annoyed with football, that would all be trumped by the fact that she banged other dudes on camera for a living. The social stigma and the increased risks of STDs could not be offset by the fact that I’d be dating an above-average looking woman who’s earning her own money and not enamored with the many annoying pretentions of modern society.
Because I hate wearing condoms.
Tags: ksk mailbag, MMP, whores
August 20th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Teflon? Really?
August 20th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
First !
Also, I’m impotent.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Roy Hobbs!!! Bastard.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
@royhobbs : no, not really.
@dude who wants to bang the mom with baggage : Really? What the hell is wrong with you? It’s not bad enough that she has a live-in bf, it’s not bad enough she has a kid, it’s not bad enough that she’s kind of a slut… I mean, Jesus man. Are you colorblind and unaware of what a red flag looks like?
August 20th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Punte is on his fucking game this week.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
She’s 20 and already has a kid? Good god, man. She’s not “kinda” like a slut. She’s Whorey McSluttington, Mayor of Slutty Town.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
“Because I hate wearing condoms.”
If they weren’t so fucking awkward, this species would be doomed.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
“She’s Whorey McSluttington, Mayor of Slutty Town.”
McSluttington / Palin 2012!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
@ Wannabe Sister Fucker: I have experience from the other side of your story. So, one of my best friends from college asked me that very fucking question a few years back. I told him that he should do what he felt he should do re: my baby sister, and that if he ever put her wrong I would make sure he never lived another day on this earth without regretting it. Fast forward like 3 fucking years, and they’re living together and things are great. Going back to visit my parents for gatherings is now super easy because my bro’s there, and we can shoot the shit and everything is hunky dorey.
If you do not man up and talk to him about it BEFOREHAND, however, he has every right to cockpunch you, give you the Tyler Moeller, and blow up your car. And I’ll help him.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
weird mailbag. hey can you guys like ban people who say first. that is the most annoying piece of shit pussy waste of a thing to do on the whole interwebs. plyon and all his other first fucker friends should all see whoss ass hole rips “first!” as they all fag bang each other. with no lube. FUCK!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
It is possible this woman, despite being of larger carriage, might have some goddamn self-respect and isn’t interested in fucking your sloppy ass, buttergut.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I’m a 20 year old male…
…I haven’t tried to get fresh with her.
Ok, if you are 20 and you use phrases like “I haven’t tried to get ‘Fresh’ with her,” you are either 75years old and lying about your age, or you were home schooled, which means you are totally non-threatening and she hangs with you because she can’t find a gay friend.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Dallas Fag: Are you sure your “dates” aren’t business appointments for her?
Jared from Subway: There are plenty of 20-year olds who act slutty and are without a kid and a bf. Try one of them!
Husky: Nail the fatty and then just toss her a candy bar as you leap out a window.
WSF: If you value your friend, get the blessing before moving in on the sister.
zK: Dating a pornstar is like dating any other chick (in that they like the same things, do the same things and act the same ways). But with a clear distinction: she gets nailed by guys named Tommy Reams and Lexington Steele. You can’t compete with that.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I don’t think the kid is Sandwich Artist’s biggest issue here. I’d say the “sugardaddy overly jealous live-in boyfriend who clearly doesn’t give her the attention she craves so instead she sends naked pics to other dudes” is a MUCH bigger problem. Either way though, run.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Husky Pants: if the prospect of being setup with big girls for the rest of your days isn’t appealing to you, and the only thin girls you can get are drunk, try peeling off that 25 extra. Mix in a salad, start walking, cut out the fast food. 25 lbs. isn’t that much – you don’t need your stomach stapled, for crissakes!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
@wannabe sister fu(ker – your friend likes having you around because you seem exaclt ylike the type of insecure, timid, 50 pound weakiling that:
1.) would never bang his sister because you are a whiny, overly analytical, longwinded, douchey asshate
2.) would be easy to pound the ever-loving shit out of if he ever did.
Don’t be suprised when he kicks your ass for asking.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
@sisterfucker
If you guys drunktext, throw out something that pushes the line for Christ’s sake. If it comes back dirty, wait ’til the friend/brother leaves the country and make the move. You can explain when he gets back that it just happened, and by that time the rest of the family will be cool with it. Unless, of course, you just want some mud for your turtle, in which case you deserve to have the shit stomped out of you and be defriended by the guy.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
To the husky guy – Go out with her at least once.
Be a gentleman, open doors for her, laugh at her jokes and make her feel comfortable. If you still don’t feel anything – let her know and tell her you’d like to be friends. Who knows – she might be someone who can introduce you to one of her attractive friends. Never piss on the “set up by female friend” tree.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
fag in dallas,
Jesus. You like her. She tells you she likes you. But because YOU DON’T FUCKING TELL HER YOU LIKE HER, she figures you’re not interested in anything beyond sex, and so she goes and dates other guys.
Is this really this difficult? Wait, sorry, it is. I was your age once. FUCKING TELL HER YOU LIKE HER. Dear God…
Second dude with the terminably long story, (KSK, can you please put NAMES at the end of each story, so we know who we are addressing?)
Congratulations on having the longest question in the history of the mailbag. I feel like I just read fucking War and Peace, only War and Peace was less fucking depression. After your summary of the last 237 months of your life, I’m not even sure I see a question. Oh wait, there it is. Is she slutty?
Let’s see, she sends you nude pictures of herself. I think that the jury will rule that, yes, that does constitute slutty behavior. Is that all you wanted to know?
Next time, a question like that can be summarized as follows : “Dear KSK. I know a girl who keeps sending me naked pictures. Is she a slut?”
answer : yes.
My Pants say Husky (gay),
You don’t want to date fat chicks, but you’re fat yourself. And you truly do not see the problem with this viewpoint? You, sir, are a douchebag.
Get on a fucking stairmaster if you want to date hot skinny chicks. Despite what porn teaches you, a woman likes to look at a sexy body too. If you don’t have one, then you’ll have to settle for less hot sometimes. This is how real life works.
Wannabe Sister Fucker,
If you want to date your best buddy’s little sister, the first thing you do is go to your buddy and say, “Hey man, your sis and I have been hanging out a lot, and I really like her. I think she also kind of likes me. I’ve been thinking about asking her out for a cup of coffee, or a movie or something. What do you think?”
If you do not have your own balls rammed into your mouth 5 seconds later, odds are that it’s a good bet he’s okay with the idea. He can probably also tell you whether she sees you as someone dateable, or as a friend. (From what you’re saying, I think you are 100% in the friend zone, and are probably another brother to her, but shit, no hurt can come from asking, except for her saying no, and getting totally weirded out by the fact that you’re perving on her, and thus it ruins your friendship with her AND your best bud. So go for it!)
Dating a porn star,
It’s not really a secret that porn stars do what they do ON CAMERA ONLY, and in real life aren’t so goddamn freaky that they love it when you shove a fucking cactus up their rectum, then pull it out and make them suck it clean. Have you never watched any behind the scenes porn stuff? Where Jenna Jameson told you that, off camera, she likes to cuddle with her man and not do anything kinky?
It’s not worth it. The only thing worth doing with a porn star is getting her in front of a camera and banging the everlasting fuck out of her.
Was that it? This mailbag needs more threesomes with eighth graders.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Sandwich Shop guy is whom this sexbag was made for. Christ.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
So can I invite you to be a contact on my LinkedIn account?
/corporate douche
August 20th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
20, kid, live in boyfriend, recent gradute of Subway University…and not a porn star?
if you turn safe search off and chris hanson seach on google image has kids.
So…I dated this girl for a while. then we lived together. then we got married. You think she likes me?
/no. no she does not like me.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Now this is a goddamn mailbag. Good shit from Punte
August 20th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
This mailbag needs more threesomes with eighth graders.
Sad but true. Get busy KSK readers!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Oh, terminably long story dude did actually ask if he should pursue this. I missed the one paragraph out of 89,000 that actually had a question in it. Sorry man.
No. Do not pursue this. Or at least, tell her you’re not pursuing this until she dumps her current live in bf. But then, who would take care of her kid? You? Hehehe.
RUN.AWAY.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Pretty lame milhouse
August 20th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
“The trains to hog heaven are vast and plentiful, but the trains outta there are few and far between.”
FUCKING GREAT LINE. Even, dare I say, lofty.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Somebody please give me some prior warning next time Punte does the mailbag. I have many football and microwave popcorn related questions.
For instance, I need some good advice on how to convince this bag of Pop Secret to agree to anal…
August 20th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
This mailbag needs more threesomes with eighth graders.
Sad but true. Get busy KSK readers!
I think most of the readers here, IF they had such a threesome, wouldn’t have to ask questions about it.
“Hey guys, I just banged these three, hot, thirteen year old skanks, and they took pictures of me giving them anal. Am I in trouble, you think? Should I invite Chris Hansen to my fantasy league, to break the ice?”
The majority of readers here is smarter than that.
Dammit.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Not only do porn stars not especially want to get super freaky during their downtime, often they’re too sore to do so due to work-related injuries, or, they have to abstain so as not to be sore prior to work. So basically, you’d possibly be getting even less action than if you just dated a civilian.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Out-fucking-standing. I’ve always dreamed of being called a fat loser on KSK.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
The “Dear Book Salesmen” salutation was well crafted.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Oh, terminably long story dude did actually ask if he should pursue this.
That was basically it. He wanted to know if it was a good idea to pursue a 20-year old mother of one co-worker who has a live-in boyfriend that sounds unstable. But it might be a good idea since she’s sending him naked photos of herself….
Just the fact that he didn’t forward those photos for our own viewing mandates he take a punch to the walls of his cock.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
A summary of every e-mail this week: “I like this girl, it seems like she likes me, but there’s some easily reconcilable obstacle between us. Should I send her a MASH note to let her know I like her? P.S. I’m a gigantic pussy.”
August 20th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
It’s Slaton, not Slayton. It was spelled correctly in the friggin email, so you affirmatively fucked that up. And the main backup to MJD will not be Greg Jones, it will be Rashad Jennings. Your fantasy knowledge and, hence, advice, sucks.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
20 yr old: She is TOTALLY FUCKING WITH YOU. Get some self-respect.
fat dude: hey here’s a crazy suggestion. Hows about YOU go on a diet?
August 20th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
J is apparently the one guy who comes here for actual fantasy football advice.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
@J even though you cleverly changed your name and stayed away from terms such as quasi- and semi- I still know your peter king
August 20th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
My Pants Say Husky: You are repellent. Not because of your pants size, but because of your attitude. Ryno gave you some good advice. Take it. (Not that you deserve it, ass.)
Wannabe Sister Fucker: I’m an only child, so I can’t really speak to the vicissitudes of brother-sister relations, but I do know from good manners (my comments to My Pants Say Husky aside) and it’s good manners to say to your buddy that you’d like to take his sister out. I think if you’re above-board on this you’ll be golden.
Sandwich Artist: She’s a skanky cocktease who has relegated you to the friend zone. Move on.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Hey Punter, you know you can avoid teflon and just microwave regular popcorn in a paperbag, right? it’s also like 1/8th the price.
And, as always, Miss Clare speaks the truth. To which I add: Listen up fatty, too much pie, that’s your problem.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
“The trains to hog heaven are vast and plentiful, but the trains outta there are few and far between.”
I think that should be on a t-shirt.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
What kind of dick won’t buy booze for his 20-year old younger brother? No wonder the kid turned out to be such a loser. He has a total fuckhead for an older brother. Damn Chet, have some pity on the poor guy and come off the alcohol.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Why is the smell of burned popcorn one of the worst fucking food smells there is? Every time someone does it at work, it fills the entire goddam office with the acrid fumes for hours afterwards and I begin plotting the person’s death.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Have you never watched any behind the scenes porn stuff? Where Jenna Jameson told you that, off camera, she likes to cuddle with her man and not do anything kinky?
Who’s that porn star that’s married to Evan Whats-his-Face the “rock” star? She said once that all they have is regular missionary-style sex. On VH1, so you know it’s true.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Kind of a lame mailbag.
Get on it, people who usuaully write the fake letters.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Basically, don’t go chasing dumb, taken, women with children *ahem* loose morals. If you have interest in a girl, she’s the one you should tell about it, not somebody else…..unless that girl is a close friend’s baby sister, in which case you better fucking know that he’s ok with it, because otherwise, the very best case scenario would be to lose a friend.
So….teflon? Really?
August 20th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Lisa_from_Illinois: Really? That’s your witty comment? Judge much?
August 20th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Was there butter on that popcorn?
August 20th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Let me defend fatso up there just in this regard: girls can be bad at setting up their friends. Sometimes they’ll have you run the gauntlet of desperate or unattractive friends before they’re willing to set up a good one in your wheelhouse.
That said, if you don’t want to depend on others for your dates, lose the 25 lbs (I’m guessing they’re more like 50 lbs) and you’ll get an upsurge in confidence and interested parties.
@Katni: all guys have these fantasies of dating porn stars and getting away with freaky threesomes and open relationships and nonstop sex. Truth is most of adult actresses are doing that job for the money (it’s a job) and they wouldn’t be so eager to get 3 loads dumped in their faces or get a train run on them if there wasn’t lots of money attached to it. On top of which, their sexual needs get fulfilled at the 9-to-5, so the bf is getting the relationship aspect only w/o much of the sex!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Oh and just because you are fat and get fixed up with fat chicks doesn’t mean that everyone assumes you have a fat fetish. Maybe they’re just assuming that’s all you can get. IF you don’t like sleeping with women of more generous proportions, then either prove them or wrong, lose the weight, or do something else that will enable you to land the kind of tail you are seeking.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
25 lbs overweight is fat? I’m “supposed” to weight 155, according to my doctor. I’m 185, should be 175, but far from fat. Bang everything in sight bro, life is short.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I also enjoy how people talk about “feelings” toward someone they want to bang. Because “feelings” sounds better than “horny,” I guess, even though, technically, “horny” is a feeling. Maybe that’s what they mean and they’re just trying to be polite. So when a dude says “I have feelings for you,” what he really means is “I would like to engage in sexual relations with you”?
RE chick with a kid: Yeah, kinda what everyone else said, except I’d classify her as “attention whore” rather than “slut.” She’s shacking up with her boyfriend and has a kid, but that’s not enough for her. And she wants you to buy her booze, even though you’re the same age. She doesn’t ask her (we assume) of-legal-age boyfriend to buy her booze, she wants YOU to do it. And that doesn’t seem weird to you?
I say distance yourself from her (as much as you can). You can get lots of naked chick pictures on this newfangled thing the kids are into these days called The Internet. She sounds like a fucked-up drama queen who’s gonna get your ass kicked by her angry, jealous boyfriend.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
@ Sandwich Artist
Let’s see:
- She wants to go shopping with you.
- She has no problem talking about her body and evens sends naked pictures to you and thinks nothing of it.
- She calls you “huggable” and “a good listener”.
- You talk about your feelings after she sends you a naked picture instead of giving her the Rick Pitino on the Subway floor right then and there.
Aside from all of the kid/boyfriend issues, she also thinks you’re gay. Maybe a date with her at Straight Dave’s Man-Slammin Max Out can set the record straight.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
instead of giving her the Rick Pitino on the Subway floor
Classic. Well done, sir.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
@DFigs
Yes, yes, I do.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Clare – thanks for the compliment.
Reggie Bush’s Pimp – Good advice for him and sage words. However, losing the weight and getting in better shape might not lead to a dynamic improvement in confidence. It sounds like he generally has trouble approaching women – so he might need to spend more time around women (ergo – my advice). But what do I know? I have trouble talking to women sometimes too!
August 20th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Punte just turned shit into great tasting beer. With the exception of the 25 lbs over weight guy, this mailbag was weak. I swear, one week, we’re eventually going to get a write in asking if the girl (whose naturally at least an 8 with a perfect body) likes giving head, but doesn’t swallow, means she doesn’t really like a guy.
For the guys who can’t figure out if a girl likes you or not, give up women, and just read Tunison’s new book. Maybe you’ll learn to become a man.
25 lbs over weight guy: Work on being a smooth talker, mix in some confidence, and you’ll be fine. But first, go out with the girl and bust your slump.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Reggie Bush’s Pimp – Good advice for him and sage words. However, losing the weight and getting in better shape might not lead to a dynamic improvement in confidence. It sounds like he generally has trouble approaching women – so he might need to spend more time around women (ergo – my advice). But what do I know? I have trouble talking to women sometimes too!
Take it from someone who had a lot of weight and lost it. You start feeling more confident in every other aspect. It’s like finding that extra power up or something.
If he is depending entirely on being set up though, it could also be he can’t talk to women. Sadly that’s a learned habit.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Roethlisburger goes down in practice. I smite thee fuck face!
August 20th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
@needs more cheerleaders
I think most of the readers here, IF they had such a threesome, wouldn’t have to ask questions about it. “Hey guys, I just banged these three, hot, thirteen year old skanks”
if you bang three skanks, that would make it a foursome, even if they’re 13.
And the answer is yes. I, in fact, am nitpicking pedophilia jokes on ksk.
/still better than working
August 20th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Punte, you wouldn’t happen to be eating Chintzy Pop, would you?
August 20th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
if you bang three skanks, that would make it a foursome, even if they’re 13.
Math was never my strong point, that’s why I have made a career out of giving sexual advice on KSK.
A foursome with eighth graders would be a better question than a threesome. The bar has been raised.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
I’m late to the game as usual and haven’t gotten through the bag yet, but holy shit that 20 year old needs to EDIT HIS SHIT! All he needed to say was:
“I’m a pussy interested in a chick with a kid and a big live-in boyfriend. Do you see anything wrong with that?”
There. See that? 24 words. Not the fucking Tolstoy impression you gave us.
Btw, a chick with a kid is not that much of a biggie if you’re serious about her.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
WSF: Text her: “when can I tap that?” and see what she says.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
@Fag in Dallas: of course shes fucking other dudes, you’re the “Friend With Benefits” to her. The pinch hitter. The swingman. The veteran backup to her usual first-round picks. You want to stop worrying about the other guys shes banging? TELL. HER. NOW. If she feels the same, she’ll probably stop (I say probably since there’s always the chance of her being a total slut). If she doesn’t, its no longer you’re problem
@ Amateur Novel Writer: so let me get this straight; she has a kid, she lives with her boyfriend (who isn’t the kids father), she has nipple piercings, she sends you nude photos, and you cant tell if shes a slut or not? Go eat a bucket of dicks.
@Husky: Do it. Do it and then make your decision on whether or not to follow through. You wanna know why you’re in a slump? You put all your eggs in one basket. You are so dependent on finding a skinny drunk chick that you’ve been ignoring every other option you have.The more female friends you have, the more likely one of them is going to have a friend you find attractive.
@WSF: Really? “Hey guys, should I tell my friend that I wanna pierce the heavens with his sister?” Seriously, whats the worse that happens if you ask? He says no and you all go on being friends? Compare that to what happens if you DON’T tell him: He’ll get pissed, he’ll probably kick your ass into next year, you’ll never be allowed within a 200 yard radius of him or his sister. In the words of the immortal JCVD, you’ve lost your balls.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Commencing consumption of bucket of dicks, as per instruction.
Though, to be fair, I meant to emphasize the latter questions more than the former. That said, every response has been to the effect of “get the fuck out of there”, and that’s what I was leaning toward anyway. So yeah, awesome.
August 20th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
The advice above about your friend’s wife setting you up is golden. My wife is a hopeless yenta with a bad compulsion to set my friends up. She never gives my friends a first-teamer the first go-round. Also, the pig she’s found for you has probably told her she’s dying for some dick.
So date the fatty, make it clear you’re in it for laughs and await your ascencion to the Premier League. Oh, and toss Petunia a good one–you won’t move up if you ejaculate prematurely like my buddy Fast Johnny.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
For those who haven’t read the bag in full, here’s a summary. All questions were written by sniveling teenage girls, and Punte mocked them appropriately. The end.
Maybe a grown-up could write a question for next week?
August 20th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
@That’samare
A girl who will give head but doesn’t swallow does not like you, not enough anyway, and has given you a valid reason to supplement your nookie by finding a hungry hungry fattie with a nice face and low self-esteem for secret non-reciprocal car oral (with no foreplay or kissing, damnit you’re lucky I even called you).
/happily, faithfully married for a decade to a nice girl with no gag reflex.
//asshole
August 20th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
I wonder if Rags will get a rush of LinkedIn contact requests in the next few days. I can only hope.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
“Yes. Like Hitler “kind of” didn’t like the Jews.”
Lofty Comparison.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Though, to be fair, I meant to emphasize the latter questions more than the former. That said, every response has been to the effect of “get the fuck out of there”, and that’s what I was leaning toward anyway. So yeah, awesome.
Look, if you can’t take the ribbing and the blasting, then don’t submit the question.
But look at the situation objectively (like a man is supposed to do): A young co-worker of yours who has a child and a boyfriend is sending you nude photos.
AT BEST: she’s bored of her every day life and is wanting to spice things up by flirting with a co-worker, knowing well that it’s going to go nowhere.
AT WORST: she’s looking to wreck her life by doing something stupid and has picked you as the fall guy to blame when things go to shit.
Either way, you don’t win here. You’re not going to get anything out of it but be used. That’s why everyone’s telling you to run the fuck in the opposite direction!
August 20th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
What Reggie Bush’s Pimp said.
There are no bright sides to this one. No, not even the “Go for it, man, pussy is pussy” side. Don’t listen to assholes who say shit like that. There are 3 billion people with pussies in the world, it’s not like if you pass on this one, you’ll never see pussy again. You’re 20. You’ve got plenty of opportunities to fuck ahead of you. You don’t need “already has one kid and is living with her big mean boyfriend” pussy. You really don’t. Even if she was way hotter, you still don’t.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I didn’t think I was showing that I couldn’t take it? I meant awesome literally.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
To the kid in husky pants mired in a slumo debating to bang a heavy chick remember this, “any port in a storm”
Also, U of Punte > U of Pune
August 20th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
I didn’t think I was showing that I couldn’t take it? I meant awesome literally.
Sarcasm can be misconstrued really quickly in the interwebs.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
@ Punté: GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH HAS NO KIDS!
The are some men in suits at the door who respectfully disagree.
@ Slash: I also enjoy how people talk about “feelings” toward someone they want to bang. Because “feelings” sounds better than “horny,” I guess, even though, technically, “horny” is a feeling. Maybe that’s what they mean and they’re just trying to be polite. So when a dude says “I have feelings for you,” what he really means is “I would like to engage in sexual relations with you”?
Well, to be fair, “murderous rage” is a feeling too. But it’s probably one or the other.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Only thing missing was video questions… http://wp.me/pvI6z-8e
August 20th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Just FYI: Pune (pronounced Pu-nay) is a large city in India. I know because my company has an office there. The LinkedIn thing isn’t a joke, though now that I see it, it does look kind of funny.
/dick joke to make up for killing the pussy joke
August 21st, 2009 at 1:06 am
I skimmed most of it because by the 3rd paragraph I was ready to stab my eyes out. So here goes.
#1) She’s 20, she has a kid, her boyfriend is a psychopath. Start looking for a new job and when she asks you why you’ve stopped talking, look at her and go “It’s because you’re a whore.” as non-chalantly as possible and go back to work.
#2) Lose about 10-15 pounds. Then you can date hot chicks, because you won’t be a fat fuck. Also, NEVER LET YOUR FRIENDS SET YOU UP ON BLIND DATES. Demand pictures (plural, and no MySpace top down poses). At least exchange some emails with her first. Otherwise, you’re running the risk of ending up shelling out $50 for a lobster for someone who could generously be described as “Possibly Related To Shamu”.
#3) Talk to the guy. Worst case scenario, he says no and beats your ass for asking. Best case scenario, he talks you up and you’re in like Flint. The only person with more pull than a girl’s best girlfriend in evaluating dudes is her older brother. But, don’t fuck it up, because he’ll make your life miserable.
#4) I would date a former porn star. But not like, a Jenna Jameson/Gianna Michaels/Sunny Lane/etc. level porn star. Like, maybe someone that did some nude modeling, maybe a masturbation scene, something like that, but if her IMDB page includes “Back Door Sluts 5 – 12″, I’m not going there.
August 21st, 2009 at 1:15 am
@Reggie Bush’s Pimp Says: …
RBP, seriously, you should start charging an hourly fee. You speak the gospel, son. You speak the gospel. To the young and afraid out there; be fucking patient. The first time a girl shows you her tits does not mean that you have to obsess over her the rest of your life.
I know, I’ve seen a few!
Husky Man: as an individual who has lost 100 plus pounds (several times) can attest, “fat drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son”.
I settled for drunk.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:29 am
Worst mailbag yet. If you get only a few (or even one) decent e-mails a week you should just talk about fantasy football more.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:58 am
Wow. Reading this mailbag made me feel much MUCH better about my own life.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:27 am
@ Upstate Underdog:
Did you just coin a new term with a typo?
Slumo (n) : Slump-busting fat chick.
Fucking priceless.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:50 am
I have a younger sister, and after the number of idiots she’s dated, I’d be happy if any one of my friends was interested in her. I’d appreciate the guy running it by me first. But I definitely had to go through high school (and since) putting up with the “Your sister’s hot” shit.
August 21st, 2009 at 10:55 am
Best part of banging twenty-eight year olds? There’s twenty of them. Duh…
August 21st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I think it’s time to set a character limit on incoming mail.
/Popcorn time-out pretty hilarious
August 21st, 2009 at 3:43 pm
@ Monkey Business
but if her IMDB page includes “Back Door Sluts 5 – 12″, I’m not going there.
You liar! You’re a KSK reader, you would SO go that back door!
August 21st, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Big pants guy. Dont listen to these people doggin you for wanting attractive women. There are girls that dont care, and there are plenty drunken broads. You can easily continue to secure these. I have a feeling you may not be as assertive and not trying as hard.
You shouldnt HAVE to bang fatties just cause you are fat.
But if you need a guaranteed home run, go ahead and bust your nut on that.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Dear She has a Kid: So late to the party…but here goes. In college, I made friends with an older girl, basically a 28 year old woman, returning to college. She had 1) a five year old. 2) rich boyfriend paying expenses living 5 hrs away in NJ. 3) she was fun. UNTIL….
We all go out as a group after a class function. She starts tonsil swapping with a guy my age that I had already classified as a stupid douche. When another classmate, (guy) asked where she was I mentioned which corner of the bar I last saw her in.
She came after me, went up one side and down the other over sharing her business with people. I didn’t see how that was exactly private business as she was in a bar…
So: moral of story? If the chick isn’t stable, beware. You will be dumped as soon as moneybags pulls the leash (the cable, rent, phone card). Also, really crazy chicks are unsafe for your health in other ways. BF, STD, etc. Move on, have fun. Blah blah blah.
August 22nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
She has a kid: WORST IDEA EVER.
August 24th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
@ She has a Kid: FIX YO MORAL COMPASS!