jailbait2

Welcome, fair readers, to another edition of the fantasy sex/fantasy football mailbag.  It’s fantasy draft season, so  the FF questions are getting stronger, and in this edition they’re paired with some pretty memorable sex questions, including a guy who wants to bang his mother-in-law, the KSK reader you most want to throw off a tall building, and how to approach fantasy league suspensions when one of the owners is in jail for statutory rape.  Read this one start to finish, it’s a doozy.

Gentlemen,
Sex- I’ve been banging/dating a girl since St Patrick’s Day (give or take a week or two) and things are going fantastic except for a “buddy” of mine who has felt the need to hit on her and/or tell her she can do better than me. Said girl has gone on record numerous times stating her sole interest in me and me alone (go me), and also her complete disinterest in said “buddy”. Recently she and I had a personal conversation and “buddy” confessed to her that he listened in on the whole conversation.  He’s tried to undermine me since late May and has an obsession with my girl. Besides beating him to death with a baseball bat what else can I do? (P.S. “buddy” is not considered a buddy anymore and ohbytheway he’s banging another friend of ours who has stated publicly that she knows that she’s his fall back option because he can’t land my girl.)

Okay, so if your girl has no interest in him, and he’s no longer your buddy, why is he even around?  Is he a co-worker?  A fellow student? What necessitates his interaction with you and/or your girlfriend?

Personally, I think silence is the coldest response, and that should be your (and your girlfriend’s) goal here.  The next step up — one that you can hardly be faulted for doing — is to tell him frankly that you’ll kick the shit out of him if he tries to talk to your girlfriend again.  And if you happen to see him while you’re drunk at a bar and you break a beer bottle over his skull… well, no jury of KSK commenters would convict you.

Fantasy Football- Is Steve Slaton a late first round pick (or better) or a second round pick? And what round does Kurt Warner (and God) end up??
-Dan

I like Slaton as a first round pick — I tend to prefer younger running backs, and I love Slaton’s receiving skills.  Depending on homerism and the various gut feelings of your league’s owners, I’d place him no higher than sixth and no lower than 11th (FWIW, he’s seventh overall on CBS Sports’ Top 200 list).

As for Warner… Yikes.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s a big reason I made the playoffs last year after I traded for him with my back against the wall, but I just don’t like the idea of putting all my fantasy eggs into the 38-year-old quarterbasket — especially given Warner’s injury history.  I suppose he could go in the third round, but I wouldn’t take a chance on him until the fourth or fifth.

Gentlemen:
Football question: I’m a life-long Giants fan, dating back to Craig Morton, John Mendenhall and Doug Kotar. My last visit to Shea Stadium? The Cardinals’ Terry Metcalf tossed a HB option bomb to Mel Gray.

Didn’t ask. Don’t care.

But I digress so here’s my Giants question: Eli Manning is the albatross around this team’s neck. His consistent inaccuracy is killing this team’s chances. WHAT CAN THE GIANTS DO TO IMPROVE GOMER’S ACCURACY AND, CONSIDERING THAT HE JUST GOT PAID $97M, SHOULDN’T THE FAIR-HAIRED BOY TAKE IT UPON HIMSELF TO IMPROVE THIS FATAL FLAW IN HIS GAME SINCE THE GIANTS DIDN’T SIGN CONNIE HAWKINS TO PLAY WR?

“Wah wah wah, this quarterback that won us the Super Bowl against an undefeated team isn’t good enough!”   So what?  Yeah, Eli has a tendency to overthrow his receivers (which is why Plax at 6’6″ was the perfect compliment to him).  You take the good with the bad.  For example, I happen to like Matt Hasselbeck as the Seahawks’ quarterback, but guess what?  He didn’t win the Super Bowl for my team.  And yet here I am, managing to avoid all-caps while I write about it.

Sex Question: I have an amazingly hot, bisexual Brazilian wife who is studying in Brazil (see attached photo — she’s 35 years old) while I work in NY.

brazilian-ass

We love Brazil but there’s a chance I might make only $60K per year there while I can pull down $250K-$300K in the States. Do I subject her to the American way of life: more work and more money in a shallow, frigid land of moral hypocrisy or do I move to warm, vibrant Brazil where economic security is far less certain and there’s a chance the reduced income might negatively impact our relationship or retirement savings?
Regards,
John in NY

I have my doubts, but I’m going to assume that this is an honest question from a real person.  So: Congratulations, John in NY, you win the award for biggest pair of asshole questions this mailbag has ever seen.  I’d go into greater detail, but I feel the commenters will have enough bile for you.  As someone who makes a a quarter-million dollars a year, you’re probably aware that $60K goes a lot farther in Brazil than in the States.  That’s probably where I’d be fucking my hot Brazilian wife if I had one.

Dear Sirs,
Sex- Lately every time I’ve gone to get myself off, all I can think of is my mother-in-law. It’s like a weird twist on an Oedipus complex, I know, and I kinda feel dirty/bad for thinking of her when I jack it, but I can’t help myself and it’s been about a year of me doing this. In my defense she does dress nicely and wears thongs, push-up bras, tight jeans and low cut shirts, which fucks with my head even more. Additionally, she is an attractive woman and relatively young for a mother-in-law (44), so it would be reasonable to think of her while getting off (minus the whole mother-in-law part). We had a bit of a contentious relationship at the start (seeing as how I impregnated her only daughter at 19) but things between us are better now; yet I can’t get the thought of bending her over the kitchen counter and anger fucking her out of my head. I could never talk to my wife about this but it is kinda eating me up inside. Should I just continue to blissfully get off to her image? Any advice besides, “Try Porn” or “What your wife doesn’t know won’t kill her”?

Eh, I don’t see a problem with it.  She’s a hot older lady that is completely unattainable but regularly around.  People have a tendency to crave the forbidden.  As long as you keep it safely filed away under “TOP SECRET FANTASY  – DON’T TELL ANYONE,” I don’t see a problem.

Finally, I can’t get us both drunk and ever act on this, can I?

Durrr.  Yeah, go for it.  You’re only married to her daughter with whom you have a child.  The only thing that matters in life is for your mind to live out every ill-advised sexual fantasy it gins up.

Football- When is a reasonable round to pick up Felix Jones? The man can score anytime he has the football, and will rack up yards in a hurry with runs, catches, and kick returns, but I’m concerned the Flaming OC won’t get him the ball enough to make an early round (like 3-6 range) pick up worth it?
Sincerely,
A confused jack-off

Based on his predicted value, I wouldn’t go for Jones until the 7th or 8th round in a 12-team league.  Unless you’ve got some insider information on a Marion Barber injury, in which case email me immediately.

Dear Drew, Ape and the retards that work with them,
Sex: I have a solid opportunity to hook up with my best friend’s ex. They haven’t dated in over a year, and I know for a fact that he has moved on. I value my friendship with this guy more than anyone else I know, and would hate for something to come between us. But good lord is his ex hot. Easily one of the hottest girls I know, and we both return to college in a couple weeks, so there wouldn’t be any messy emotional kinks to work out with her. I would simply have to live with the knowledge and know that, sooner or later, he would probably find out. I don’t think he would mind, but what I do probably will have some ramifications on our relationship. Have any of you guys ever had to deal with such a situation? Do I pursue what easily could be the hottest girl I will ever have a chance to get with, or stay loyal to my friend?

May I tell a metaphorical anecdote?  My mother dropped out of college when she was 19 to marry my dad.  After my sister and I graduated from college and moved into the working world, Mom went back to school at Southern Illinois (the Edwardsville campus), which was close to my high school home outside of St. Louis.

Meanwhile, I got stationed at Fort Knox in the spring of 2001 for tank officer training.  Near the end of our training cycle, we all got excited to go to the Kentucky Derby… which happened to be the same day as my mother’s graduation four hours away.  I was faced with the “right” thing to do (go to my mom’s graduation) and the fun thing to do (get wasted on the infield).

I drove home to see my mom graduate.  She probably would have been pretty disappointed in me if I hadn’t come back, but damn: I still think of what a shame it is that I missed the Derby.

Sex, Pt. 2: Does weed make women horny?

Depends.  I had a girlfriend a long time ago who LOVED having sex after she got high, but that’s the only case I’ve seen.  I did a quick poll of women I know who smoke pot, and the prevailing answer seemed to be “Nope.”

Football: How successful will Rob Ryan be in bringing the zone blitz to Cleveland? Any chance Kam Wimbley finally has a break-out season?
Yours,
Conflicted in Cleveland

Who the fuck is Kam Wimbley? **Googles Kam Wimbley** OH!  Kamerion Wimbley!  NOW he sounds familiar.  Wikipedia reminded me that he was the AFC Defensive Rookie of the Year in 2006, but has been disappointing ever since.  I have no idea whether this is Wimbley’s breakout year, but let’s just go ahead and say no.  No, it won’t.  In fact, he’s due for a career-ending injury in training camp any day now.

Dear KSK,
I’ve got my keeper league draft coming up and I have to decide on whom to keep. Chris Johnson is a lock, because I’ll never dismiss a top 10 running back who nicknames himself “Every Coach’s Dream.” Up for debate: The third-worst actor on last week’s “Entourage,” the ghost of Ladainian Tomlinson, Greg Jennings and Darren McFadden. I’m leaning toward Turtle’s new best friend, if only because he’s slightly less wooden than Adrian Grenier and just as randy.

Brady.  Even with the question marks surrounding him, he’s a top-3 quarterback.

As for sex, I’m married. Is it kosher if I get rub and tug’s in Chinatown when I win a week in fantasy? Or if I’m just passing by? Or if “Chinatown” is the nickname for my office?
-jon

No.  But we appreciate your humor.

Dear sirs,
What is the rule on calling a girl you dumped but, now realizing that you’re an idiot choad, want to get back together with? The breakup was ugly and swift, and we haven’t spoken in the 8 months since, but now we’re both living in the same state (after a year and a half on other ends of the country) and, as gay as this is, am regretting my stupidity about as often as the Lions regret draft selections.

Ah yes.  Seller’s remorse.  Truth be told, there are no rules to getting a girl back, my friend.  You are hereby greenlit to send flowers to her office, grovel publicly, buy highway billboard space to declare your love, and whatever other pitifully desperate/romantic gestures you can think of to get her back.  But I’d recommend starting small: send her an email saying that you miss having her in your life, and invite her to get a cup of coffee.  It’s best to play this slowly, lest you come off looking desperate to have her back.  Which you are.  But she doesn’t need to know that.

The more important question, however, involves my FF draft. After 5 years of a friendly league, we just created a pool ($50 each, 10 teams, $400 First/$100 Second) so I actually have to give a shit. Since it’s standard scoring, drafting a QB in the first round seems like a no-brainer (28 TD’s/14 INTS = 140 pts = 23 touchdowns from any other position) however, going through the list of quarterbacks, everyone’s got a glaring weakness (brady’s knees, payton’s age, ben’s soft squishy brain, everyone else’s receiving corps) so, assuming I don’t go with Purple Jesus at #1, where are the good mid-first round quarterbacks this year?
-The Trout

Hold on.  For starters, 28 TDs/14 INTs = 140 points is NOT standard scoring.  Standard scoring is four points for a passing TD, -2 points for an INT, and 6 points for a rushing/receiving TD.  Which means that 28 TDs/14 INTs passing is 84 points.  That equals 14 TDs at any other position, not 23.

But setting aside the retarded scoring in your JV fantasy league, Drew Brees is the hands-down surefire first-round QB you’re looking for this year.  Just like Brady was last year.  **throws up from flashbacks**

Competitive Hand Shakers,
It’s that time of year again, so football first. I just adopted an orphaned keeper league team, and I need to pick 3 guys to retain in a PPR league. I’m pretty sold on keeping Randy Moss and Dallas Clark (Dallas is my anti-Lee Evans, I always end up with him, and he’s always a safe bet to do SOMETHING every week), and I need to choose among Portis, Addai, DeSean Jackson, Elisha, and some guys who suck a lot worse. It’s probably between Portis and Addai for a ppr league, but whom do you suggest I keep? (de sean would also get points for return tds, for whatever that’s worth)

I’d go with Portis, who’s more highly ranked by most metrics.  Also, I fucking HATE having Colts on my fantasy team.  No reason.

sex: my long time girlfriend is in med school, so we’re doing the long distance thing. It’s going well, since we’re both pretty busy, largely due to the inspired invention of the web cam. However, my normally sexually liberated (read: horny) girlfriend gets shy and uncomfortable doing anything remotely sexual in nature in front of the web cam; she cites perpetually feeling unattractive as her excuse for declining to disrobe for my benefit over the internet, though I suspect it’s more of a deep seeded fear that someone is going to hack into one of our computers and sneak a peek at her naughty bits. How might I inspire her to explore the full potential that live video feeds provide? (Translation: how do I get her naked and saying naughty things on her webcam?)
Thanks a pile,
Pussyless in Pittsburgh

Sadly, I’ve done the long-distance thing where the webcam is your only chance for sexual gratification with your partner.  It can be tough.  It’s one thing to be in the physical presence of you girlfriend when she’s unshowered and wearing sweats: the right amount of touching and fondling will usually lead to sex.  It’s a different story when she’s feeling equally unsexy over the webcam — you can say you want it, but if she doesn’t feel attractive, that’s that and it’s off to your porn site of preference for you.

Personally, I recommend setting up webcam dates.  Find a time in advance that gives both of you a fair amount of room in your schedules, and be sure that you’re both dressed nicely with a bottle of wine at the designated time.  Have a glass of wine together, chat for a while, catch up, then get nasty.  If she’s taken the right approach, she’ll have showered and put on some makeup to look nice for you (maybe even some lingerie?), and you should return the favor by doing whatever makes you less unattractive.  It’s a relationship: both people have to make an effort to make the other person happy.

Last year, Ryan Huff, one of the owners in my twelve-team fantasy league abruptly left. He was neither unhappy with the league nor a poor owner, as he came in second. Instead, he was charged with two counts of statutory rape and cannot bail himself out.

TIMEOUT.  First of all, let’s get the necessary blockquotes out of the way.  From the first link:

Apparently Huff met the girls on “an internet chatroom,” which could mean anything since I’m guessing the reporter on the KMOV video I watched doesn’t know the difference between this very site and and actual “internet chatroom.”  After the meeting online, the two went to the movies, on a “date,” and then back to a house where they were joined by another 13 year old girl.  Shortly after her arrival they started partaking in sexual activity.

If you’re scoring at home — as Huff did –  that sounds an awful lot like a threesome with two eighth-graders.  And from the second link:

Huff was arraigned on March 6th, 2009 with the following charges brought against him:

  • Four counts of Statutory Sodomy of the 1st Degree.  This is defined as “Deviate Sexual Intercourse With A Person Less Than 14 Yrs Old”
  • Statutory Rape of the 1st Degree, Sexual Intercourse With A Person Less Than 14 Yrs Old, Serious Physical Injury, Display of a Deadly Weapon.  One per victim less than 12 years old.

All of the above counts are felonies.

Okay, I think we’re caught up.  Back to your questions.

Three questions:
1. Should we disallow alleged rapists from becoming owners in our fantasy league, or should we wait until a verdict has been passed?

Welcome to the life of Roger Goodell.  Clearly, one of the owners has violated your fantasy football league’s code of conduct and should therefore serve a suspension.  WWRGD?  How many games is a statutory rape charge?  I honestly don’t know, as even Chris Henry has yet to be caught fucking a girl that young.

Of course, some people may object to the “moral” implications of playing in a league with Huff.  I couldn’t disagree with those people more.  I would LOVE to have a statutory rapist in my league (Fine: another statutory rapist).  Why?  Simple: the trash talk would be incredibly easy and fun.  Also, I don’t have a pubescent daughter, so what’s he gonna do about it?

2. Should Mr. Huff pay a fine for not filing a resignation letter with the league? Something like $50 or 20 packs of smokes?

I think — given the likelihood of his imminent (if not already) anal violation, you should probably give him a pass on this one.  At least until the court rules.

3. Although the trial will take place near my apartment in St. Louis, I have no intention of going. However, many of the other owners want to drive 4.5 hours from suburban Chicago in order to support/mock Mr. Huff. Should they waste the gas money in order to see one of their college buddies humiliated in a public court?
Sincerely,
Raskolnikov

Absolutely not.  Given the current ecological crisis, they should take the train.  It’s slightly faster than the car trip, it’s safer, you don’t have to worry about the speed traps on I-55, and most importantly, it conserves our precious dwindling gasoline supply.  Plus the trial starts on November 30th, which is about the time you’ll want to start leaving Chicago for the winter.