There, I did it. I torched a beloved Terrible Towel for your malicious delectation. After all, I’m a man of my word. Now go run out and buy The Football Fan’s Manifesto in exchange for my WRENCHING ULTIMATE SACRIFICE. Or just buy it because you think it might be a entertaining read. Either way, I’ll be doing a live chat on Deadspin starting around the noontime hour today (UPDATE: Here’s the link), as they’re running an excerpt from the book, along with a bunch of photos of me relapsing into alcohol and drugs after years of clean living through religion. After the jump, another member of the Ape clan brings shame to the family.
Rule of thumb: when you frequently mention to your son who writes for a profane sports blog that you’ve become a regular reader of said blog, don’t be shocked when he ambushes you for a video prediction about your favorite team. Papa Ape doesn’t come up short in the homerism department, giving an overly optimistic assessment of his Niners’ chances (BECAWSE HE’S NAWT AS SMAHT AS SIMMONS’ DAD) but also bothers to ask for clarification on one of the more colorful terms that often appears on our fair blog.
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That video needed O Fortuna…
/The “Hmmmm… Sacrilicious…” tag is in order too
I didn’t know your dad was Joe Torre.
/better late than never’d
//better to not write than write something not funny.
///self-shamed
why couldn’t it have been gray roethlisberger
Because it didn’t win the vote.
Ape your going to hell.
on a post superbowl year.
How does this make you qualified to have a manifesto.
why couldn’t it have been gray roethlisberger
“It’s a type of pornography popular in Japan. It involves a lot of facials, let’s put it that way.”
This was the best part. If you have explained this much to your dad, why not disclose the whole thing? You’re 90% there.
life need joy, come to our site****Tallloving*com**** to enjoy life forget displeasure.
Christmas Ape, you visited my blog?! Dreams do come true…!
fuck all the towel business, your Dad rules.
Why do I think a black and gold urn is soon to appear above your fireplace?
@TF88… that conversation, only with daughter and dad would be… more awkward.
Ape and his dad probably had a less awkward talk when Ape explained he was fired from the WaPo for dating a furry.
Mr. Sensitive has to preemptively make fun of himself so other people cannot.
-2 for Encroachment on ApeJokes Ape
Most awkward conversation a father and son have:
Dad: what exactly is a bukkake ?
Son: Ummm,……….
I hope it wasn’t your Dad’s grill- he’s suffered enough.
Not his either. Belongs to a housemate of a friend. We gave it a reasonably perfunctory cleaning afterward though.
Try turning the fucking grill on for starters.
He didn’t have any gas. Mickey Mouse operation, all around.
On a final note, I was expecting something akin to a funeral pyre. That was disappointing.
“I tried to burn it… I tried.”
Try turning the fucking grill on for starters.
* Ravens hat
/displayed as much intellegence as a Steelers fan
//dick joke
I was more horrified at the mistreatment of the grill than the burning of the Terrible Towel. At least it was somebody else’s. I hope it wasn’t your Dad’s grill- he’s suffered enough.
That was possibly the worst narration I have ever seen, and props to going through with it, I wouldn’t even take a bet that included me burning my Title Towel.
You used alcohol instead of lighter fluid as an accelerant? What kind of stupid asshole does that? Oh wait, this is a Steelers fan we’re talking about.
But the Ravens was a nice bonus.
I feel like that indian crying at the end of the commercial…
I told you that we could have just shaved your cat and called it even.
Not as painful to watch as I thought it would be.
Whole Foods? Well la-de-da.
Def, if Simmons spends that kind of money to buy a jersey, the SportsGal will cut off what’s left of his scrotum.
Can Bill Simmons really not afford a real jersey?
Terrible Towels now with 50% more asbestos!
That’s not enough! We demand more asbestos!
/asshole who used someone else’s grill to burn a towel
Drew gonna be pissed!
Rats…I thought you were gonna burn all three. Goddamn tease.
“Of all the computer closets in all the houses in all the world, my football nerd son walks into mine. Play it, iTunes. Play ‘Lido Shuffle.’ ”
P.S. thanks for ruining my morning with the Baltimore kitten link, Ape. Now I wish “Sum of All Fears” had been a documentary.
It’s gonna be fun when you try and use that grill again. I’m pretty sure the taste of Terrible Towel will ruin any burger.
Not my grill.
/asshole who used someone else’s grill to burn a towel
As soon as you said “memorial Myron Cope issue,” I said, out loud, “Jesus, you’ve got to be kidding…” For some reason, I expected a storied city like Pittsburgh to have better mementos. Guess not.
+1 for the appearance of the cat. Created some drama, I actually expected it to take a whiz on the towels.
And how odd is it that the thing didn’t even look like it was burning until about 10 seconds in? What’s it made out of, silicone? Nice flames, though.
It’s gonna be fun when you try and use that grill again. I’m pretty sure the taste of Terrible Towel will ruin any burger.
Ah, nothing like the sight of a Raven’s hat burning atop a Terrible Towel. That’s the closest a Browns fan like myself will get to satisfaction this century.
Clicking through to TheImpossibleMan’s blog:
“The ineffable lightness of baseball with a Baltimore twist.”
So, a baseball blog that concentrates on Baltimore. And written by someone who thinks an obvious Milan Kundera reference is clever enough to put in their description.
And you’re calling me gay?
I’m surprised, I thought that it was your mother that drank while you were in the womb, but clearly you dad the drinking for both of them.
+1 for the video of the standard son-who-is-way-more-into-sports-than-his-dad-and-is-a-little-embarrassed-by-that-fact-but-tries-to-engage-his-dad-on-the-topic-of-sports-because-they-can’t-talk-about-anything-else-because-the-dad-never-forgave-his-son-after-he-came-out-of-the-closet conversation.
Congratulations Ape, your dad just won this week’s episode of Who’s More Grizzled?
and why did you burn it on the grill anyway? totally lame.
I think a video of Ape trying to get the melted Ravens hat off that grill would be more satisfying than this.
Ape, I hope you found that hat at a Goodwill store or something.
Well, I didn’t buy a new one. I’ll just leave it at that.
Ape, I hope you found that hat at a Goodwill store or something.
Your dad didn’t take a drag off of his cigarette until 1:42 into the video and it was still lit and he didn’t need to ash it. My head just exploded.
your commentary on that was about as good as the narrator when the bluths were on scandalmakers
For reals. Even the cheapest replica jersey is $45, to say nothing of Ape’s emotional attachment. You can find those goddamn towels for $4.99 at every gas station between Harrisburg and Columbus.
At least a Ravens hat got burned
You don’t sound nearly as retarded as I guessed. Do any of you guys have a lisp?
I will never forgive you idiots that voted for the towel to be burned as opposed to a jersey.
Well, that was anticlimatic.
Which was the anticlimactic part? Where I did what I said I was going to do?
/should know better than to respond to Mo Charlo
i jerked off harder watching that than i do … watching anything. the ravens hat was like the anal scene — not totally necessary but a nice touch.
fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap
Your dad looks like he lives in his mothers basement.
“Well, Dad. When a woman and a man and a man and a man and a man and a man love each other very much . . .”
So Myron Cope choose asbestos as the material of choice for the Terrible Towel.
You know, for kids.
Well, that was anticlimatic.
Dallas Cowboys Starter jackets will melt in less than ten seconds, entombing the wearer.
I’ve seen asbestos lined insulation burn quicker than that towel. Terrible Towels now with 50% more asbestos!
Also, I’m a little disappointed we didn’t get to see the chickie that was talking in the background.
http://breakingnews.baltimoresun.com/2009/08/07/kitten-tortured-burned-in-west-baltimore/
A shame they don’t do that for merch (or animals) in Baltimore.
Much like Lions products, Steelers fan shit won’t burn because New Era and the NFL and whoever the fuck makes that stuff knows that everything in Pittsburgh is on fire half the time anything, be it Terrible Towels, cars, or abandoned steel factories, so they have to make it especially resistant to fire.
That’s a beautiful thing. If you could just burn a cowboys jersey with it, it’d be sublime. I wonder how many book sales= a new terrible towel.
I was expecting the toothless ghost of Jack Lambert to come screeching out of that fire, like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark