Here’s Your Terrible Towel Burning Video, Jackals
There, I did it. I torched a beloved Terrible Towel for your malicious delectation. After all, I’m a man of my word. Now go run out and buy The Football Fan’s Manifesto in exchange for my WRENCHING ULTIMATE SACRIFICE. Or just buy it because you think it might be a entertaining read. Either way, I’ll be doing a live chat on Deadspin starting around the noontime hour today (UPDATE: Here’s the link), as they’re running an excerpt from the book, along with a bunch of photos of me relapsing into alcohol and drugs after years of clean living through religion. After the jump, another member of the Ape clan brings shame to the family.
Rule of thumb: when you frequently mention to your son who writes for a profane sports blog that you’ve become a regular reader of said blog, don’t be shocked when he ambushes you for a video prediction about your favorite team. Papa Ape doesn’t come up short in the homerism department, giving an overly optimistic assessment of his Niners’ chances (BECAWSE HE’S NAWT AS SMAHT AS SIMMONS’ DAD) but also bothers to ask for clarification on one of the more colorful terms that often appears on our fair blog.
Tags: apekkake, apostasy, book whoring, burnination, confusing Antonio Bryant with Bryant Johnson (who isn't on the team now either), football fan's manifesto, oh my towel, xmas ape
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August 10th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I was expecting the toothless ghost of Jack Lambert to come screeching out of that fire, like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark
August 10th, 2009 at 8:54 am
That’s a beautiful thing. If you could just burn a cowboys jersey with it, it’d be sublime. I wonder how many book sales= a new terrible towel.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Much like Lions products, Steelers fan shit won’t burn because New Era and the NFL and whoever the fuck makes that stuff knows that everything in Pittsburgh is on fire half the time anything, be it Terrible Towels, cars, or abandoned steel factories, so they have to make it especially resistant to fire.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:06 am
http://breakingnews.baltimoresun.com/2009/08/07/kitten-tortured-burned-in-west-baltimore/
A shame they don’t do that for merch (or animals) in Baltimore.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:26 am
I’ve seen asbestos lined insulation burn quicker than that towel. Terrible Towels now with 50% more asbestos!
Also, I’m a little disappointed we didn’t get to see the chickie that was talking in the background.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Well, that was anticlimatic.
Dallas Cowboys Starter jackets will melt in less than ten seconds, entombing the wearer.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:41 am
So Myron Cope choose asbestos as the material of choice for the Terrible Towel.
You know, for kids.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:44 am
“Well, Dad. When a woman and a man and a man and a man and a man and a man love each other very much . . .”
August 10th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Your dad looks like he lives in his mothers basement.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:47 am
fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap
August 10th, 2009 at 9:51 am
i jerked off harder watching that than i do … watching anything. the ravens hat was like the anal scene — not totally necessary but a nice touch.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Well, that was anticlimatic.
Which was the anticlimactic part? Where I did what I said I was going to do?
/should know better than to respond to Mo Charlo
August 10th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I will never forgive you idiots that voted for the towel to be burned as opposed to a jersey.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:54 am
You don’t sound nearly as retarded as I guessed. Do any of you guys have a lisp?
August 10th, 2009 at 9:54 am
At least a Ravens hat got burned
August 10th, 2009 at 9:56 am
For reals. Even the cheapest replica jersey is $45, to say nothing of Ape’s emotional attachment. You can find those goddamn towels for $4.99 at every gas station between Harrisburg and Columbus.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:09 am
your commentary on that was about as good as the narrator when the bluths were on scandalmakers
August 10th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Your dad didn’t take a drag off of his cigarette until 1:42 into the video and it was still lit and he didn’t need to ash it. My head just exploded.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Ape, I hope you found that hat at a Goodwill store or something.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Ape, I hope you found that hat at a Goodwill store or something.
Well, I didn’t buy a new one. I’ll just leave it at that.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I think a video of Ape trying to get the melted Ravens hat off that grill would be more satisfying than this.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:25 am
and why did you burn it on the grill anyway? totally lame.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Congratulations Ape, your dad just won this week’s episode of Who’s More Grizzled?
August 10th, 2009 at 10:32 am
+1 for the video of the standard son-who-is-way-more-into-sports-than-his-dad-and-is-a-little-embarrassed-by-that-fact-but-tries-to-engage-his-dad-on-the-topic-of-sports-because-they-can’t-talk-about-anything-else-because-the-dad-never-forgave-his-son-after-he-came-out-of-the-closet conversation.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I’m surprised, I thought that it was your mother that drank while you were in the womb, but clearly you dad the drinking for both of them.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Clicking through to TheImpossibleMan’s blog:
“The ineffable lightness of baseball with a Baltimore twist.”
So, a baseball blog that concentrates on Baltimore. And written by someone who thinks an obvious Milan Kundera reference is clever enough to put in their description.
And you’re calling me gay?
August 10th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Ah, nothing like the sight of a Raven’s hat burning atop a Terrible Towel. That’s the closest a Browns fan like myself will get to satisfaction this century.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:46 am
It’s gonna be fun when you try and use that grill again. I’m pretty sure the taste of Terrible Towel will ruin any burger.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:48 am
As soon as you said “memorial Myron Cope issue,” I said, out loud, “Jesus, you’ve got to be kidding…” For some reason, I expected a storied city like Pittsburgh to have better mementos. Guess not.
+1 for the appearance of the cat. Created some drama, I actually expected it to take a whiz on the towels.
And how odd is it that the thing didn’t even look like it was burning until about 10 seconds in? What’s it made out of, silicone? Nice flames, though.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:50 am
It’s gonna be fun when you try and use that grill again. I’m pretty sure the taste of Terrible Towel will ruin any burger.
Not my grill.
/asshole who used someone else’s grill to burn a towel
August 10th, 2009 at 11:12 am
“Of all the computer closets in all the houses in all the world, my football nerd son walks into mine. Play it, iTunes. Play ‘Lido Shuffle.’ ”
P.S. thanks for ruining my morning with the Baltimore kitten link, Ape. Now I wish “Sum of All Fears” had been a documentary.
August 10th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Rats…I thought you were gonna burn all three. Goddamn tease.
August 10th, 2009 at 11:20 am
/asshole who used someone else’s grill to burn a towel
Drew gonna be pissed!
August 10th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Terrible Towels now with 50% more asbestos!
That’s not enough! We demand more asbestos!
August 10th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Can Bill Simmons really not afford a real jersey?
August 10th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Def, if Simmons spends that kind of money to buy a jersey, the SportsGal will cut off what’s left of his scrotum.
August 10th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Not as painful to watch as I thought it would be.
Whole Foods? Well la-de-da.
August 10th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I told you that we could have just shaved your cat and called it even.
August 10th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I feel like that indian crying at the end of the commercial…
August 10th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
You used alcohol instead of lighter fluid as an accelerant? What kind of stupid asshole does that? Oh wait, this is a Steelers fan we’re talking about.
But the Ravens was a nice bonus.
August 10th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
That was possibly the worst narration I have ever seen, and props to going through with it, I wouldn’t even take a bet that included me burning my Title Towel.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I was more horrified at the mistreatment of the grill than the burning of the Terrible Towel. At least it was somebody else’s. I hope it wasn’t your Dad’s grill- he’s suffered enough.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
* Ravens hat
/displayed as much intellegence as a Steelers fan
//dick joke
August 10th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
“I tried to burn it… I tried.”
Try turning the fucking grill on for starters.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
On a final note, I was expecting something akin to a funeral pyre. That was disappointing.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I hope it wasn’t your Dad’s grill- he’s suffered enough.
Not his either. Belongs to a housemate of a friend. We gave it a reasonably perfunctory cleaning afterward though.
Try turning the fucking grill on for starters.
He didn’t have any gas. Mickey Mouse operation, all around.
August 10th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Most awkward conversation a father and son have:
Dad: what exactly is a bukkake ?
Son: Ummm,……….
August 10th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Mr. Sensitive has to preemptively make fun of himself so other people cannot.
-2 for Encroachment on ApeJokes Ape
August 10th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
@TF88… that conversation, only with daughter and dad would be… more awkward.
Ape and his dad probably had a less awkward talk when Ape explained he was fired from the WaPo for dating a furry.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Why do I think a black and gold urn is soon to appear above your fireplace?
August 10th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
fuck all the towel business, your Dad rules.
August 11th, 2009 at 2:17 am
Christmas Ape, you visited my blog?! Dreams do come true…!
August 11th, 2009 at 6:14 am
life need joy, come to our site****Tallloving*com**** to enjoy life forget displeasure.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:24 am
“It’s a type of pornography popular in Japan. It involves a lot of facials, let’s put it that way.”
This was the best part. If you have explained this much to your dad, why not disclose the whole thing? You’re 90% there.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Ape your going to hell.
on a post superbowl year.
How does this make you qualified to have a manifesto.
why couldn’t it have been gray roethlisberger
August 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
why couldn’t it have been gray roethlisberger
Because it didn’t win the vote.
August 11th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
I didn’t know your dad was Joe Torre.
/better late than never’d
//better to not write than write something not funny.
///self-shamed
August 14th, 2009 at 12:13 am
That video needed O Fortuna…
/The “Hmmmm… Sacrilicious…” tag is in order too