[Jacked Up Tavern, parts unknown]
Jack Tatum: Lotsa laughter coming from you two clucking hens. What’s so damn funny?
Kimo von Oelhoffen: Just shootin’ it, Jack. Don’t worry your pretty little head and keep the drinks coming. But, yeah, I think we got a crazy one on our hands here.
Jack Tatum: Yeah?
Kimo von Oelhoffen: Guy tried to take out his own quarterback in practice. HIS OWN GUY! THE STARTER! That’s cold-blooded, kid. I mean, you already got Brady. That alone is enough to earn free drinks here for life. But your own guy? Shoot, it’s like you’re trying to make all of us look bad.
Bernard Pollard: Ha, should’ve seen that bitch’s face. “Ahhhh! What’re you doing! It’s just practice, mannnnn!” [Laughs, takes a shot] Boy done shat he drawers. [Makes farting sound, laughs again] Don’t know what he so worried about. Already got his fat-ass contract for one year of sucking Belichick’s dick. Acts like he actually has a career to ruin.
Kimo von Oelhoffen: Still, I gotta give it to you for even going for that score.
Bernard Pollard: Pfft. Ain’t no thang.
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddddaaaaayyyyyyyy!
Which one of you swizzledicks destroys quarterbacks on demand? THE FLOATMASTER GENERAL WANTS TO KNOW!
Kimo von Oelhoffen: Who’s this dude?
Philip Rivers: NO ONE’S TALKING TO YOU, COCK VON BULOW!
Bernard Pollard: Oh, I recognize this boy. He been ducking me so far, but I’mma have his ACL on my wall one of these days.
Philip Rivers: ALL YOU’RE GETTING IS DICK ON YOUR VAGINAL WALLS UNLESS YOU LISTEN THE FUCK UP! During a break from preaching the sweet, sweet abstinence faith, I took a gander at the Chiefs schedule. And I noticed you shitstacks play the Giants AND the Steelers this year.
Bernard Pollard: And?
Philip Rivers: And it’s bad enough I have to see the those twin Plaxico fuckers, Benetrator the Rapistberger and Billy Ripken Manning win, Super Bowls, but now they get mammoth contracts in back-to-back years too. NOW ONE OVERSHADOWS KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED, GLEAMING GEM OF THE ’04 DRAFT! That’s why I gotta come to this NFL version of the Mos Eisley bar, ’cause our defenders aren’t ruthless enough, or they aren’t roided up enough anymore. Shit, I forget we have a defense half the time.
Bernard Pollard: So you need these guys got?
Philip Rivers: Like Tiny Darren needs to sit on a phone book to drive.
Bernard Pollard: Gonna cost you.
Philip Rivers: [Drops gold ingot on the bar] I DON’T DEAL IN NO GREENBACK SHIT!
Bernard Pollard: I think we can work something out.
Philip Rivers: Excellent. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s sex going on out there outside the bonds of hopeless marriages! NOT ON MY MORALIZIN’ WATCH! [Runs out, pushes over trash can by door]
Jack Tatum: You really gonna take this guy’s money? A quarterback from a division rival?
Bernard Pollard: His money as good as anybody else’s. Plus, I still got his ass. Tomlinson don’t block for shit. I’mma have me floating ribbons of that fucker’s ligaments.
Kimo von Oelhoffen: Yeah, I still wear a piece of Palmer’s on this necklace.
Bernard Pollard: Yeah, I saw you dip that shit in your drink.
Kimo von Oelhoffen: It makes it better! I don’t know why!
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http://www.boston.com/sports/football/patriots/reiss_pieces/2008/09/bernard_pollard.html
Get your T shirts, Get you Bernard Pollard Fan Club T shirts here!
YES! Finally more Laserface. Best fictional NFL villain ever!
Sometimes, the setting makes the story.
Gotta love Jack “The Assassin” Tatum.
This was quite possibly the best post I’ve read…although the Ben’s Penisspot/Hines Ward advice column was a close second.
I rather enjoyed the cameo by kimo von oelhoffen, that man has too hilarious of a name to neglect.
He must have been whipping together some banana and coconut pancakes for Hines Ward.
None for Rodney Harrison? That’s cold.
Jack Tatum = Nails
/snoop & chris forever
No, but Vince Wilfork was somewhere in the kitchen.
He must have been whipping together some banana and coconut pancakes for Hines Ward.
I get so happy when I see ‘Door flies open’.
/masturbating vigorously
“So you need these guys got?”
All in the game tho, right?
/omar quotes
All I need to see is “Door Flies Open”, and I know I need to put down the coffee cup. Or else, it’s a new monitor I be buyin’.
Perhaps, and this is crazy talk I know, we could have Pollard take out Peter King ?
I don’t know why, but this was the best feature I’ve ever read on this site. Well done sirs.
“Tomlinson don’t block for shit.”
+ 10 and if it’s January he just stays on the bench and pussies out.
@ QLJ “i hope pollard gets the bens knee spot” Most likely won’t happen. Don’t you know the Ben is indestructable. He went face first into a Pontiac and only missed 1 start which was due to an appenectamy.
Is it wrong that I imagine the applause of a live studio audience whenever I hit the jump after ‘*door flies open*’ and see Marmalard’s picture?
Was Lee Flowers in the men’s room?
No, but Vince Wilfork was somewhere in the kitchen.
Floating ribbons of that fucker’s ligaments > Backstraps
+2
Was Lee Flowers in the men’s room?
probably the best ive seen here
“ALL YOU’RE GETTING IS DICK ON YOUR VAGINAL WALLS”
I will berate someone with that line in the near future.
Like my ex-girlfriend always says, “Condems are for faggots”.
Jack Tatum would never be able to have a civilized conversation with a former Steeler
/misses Kimo
Floatmaster General?
DAMN! There was a name for the FF name draft!
That picture seems to fit the “more wretched hive of scum and villainy” feeling that one would need to find Laserface conducting shady deals.
+1 Ape
I guess Lawrence Taylor was smoking crack in the parking lot when all this went down.
the only way my chiefs get on this site (the new haley bits a little bit) but we’ll take it. i hope pollard gets the bens knee spot, elishas gay pea coat, and laserfaces acl all this year.
Billy Ripken Manning
Fuck Face
I’mma have his ACL on my wall one of these days.
I was scrolling too fast and for a second I thought Peter King burst in with his buckethead.
Ligaments on necklaces? Von Oelhoffen and Pollard must be angling to join the Glanton Gang.
YES! A+! It works on all levels! And Floatmaster General is the best name yet for Laserface.
How about adding these new pics to the repetoire?
Whine and spirits!
You really needed Atkinson for the concussions on Swann and for the lawsuits too. But very fucking funny, and I love to see Tatum.
i needed this on a slow tuesday. thank you.
“Befellow” means a post that I put up right before I have to head out and don’t have time to proofread
in other words, fixed
+1 for “Benetrator”. Well effing played, sir.
It makes it better! I don’t know why!
/spewing coffee through the nose
well played
I could picture Marmalard pushing over the trash can. Classic
The Pollard legend grows. He WILL take out Laserface this season. Very nice, Ape.
Quite possibly one of the best ones ever…
Love the Mos Eisley bar comment, and the gold ingot.
“Like Tiny Darren needs a phonebook to drive” That had me losing it.
Jack mixes up his strongest drink for the boys- “The Stingley”. It’ll lay you down for good.
/sorry Darryl
The fuck’s a Befellow? Rory B. Bellows’ cousin?
I love this guy Bernard Pollard. I mean, yeah, he’s in my team’s division, but what the hell is he going to do to the Broncos? Injure Kyle Orton? I can live with that.
Thanks for saving us from another Peter King picture/skit.
Jack Tatum > Wade Garrett
‘Drops gold ingot on the bar’ Somebody has been playing The Pitt in Fallout 3 too much.
Nice to see Kimo enjoying his Ligament Julep.
did we ever determine whether Pollard had any remaining college eligibility, and could therefore take out Tim Tebow?
Should have had him toss the gold ignot and made it float. But other than that, great work Ape.
NO ONE’S TALKING TO YOU, COCK VON BULOW
YES, YES, A MILLION TIMES YES!!!
Should the title read “Headhunting Make Interesting BEDFELLOWS”? jus’ sayin’
Ah…beautiful. Lofty even. Hall of Fame material even.
Like Tiny Darren needs to sit on a phone book to drive. +2
FloatMaster General !!!
Fucking Very Nice Indeed
back to back PK mother f’ings followed by Marmalard is a very good day.
It’s been too long since I’ve seen Laserface make an appearance. Nicely done Ape.
wow….Billy Ripken Manning….awesome, just awesome
Oh, see now this… this is what I like.
It’s all good. We gon drank.