Green Bay Should Grab Michael Vick
By one sports network’s count, there are exactly eight NFL teams that have not publicly declared “no interest” in signing Michael Vick, one of which happens to be the Green Bay Packers. They’re seriously considering picking up Vick, and I think such a signing would be a good move–for them.
The Packers Can Take The PR Hit.The Packers have arguably the most rabid pro sports fanbase in America, and in the smallest city to lay claim as home to such a team (we’re not counting Salt Lake City, fucking LDS freaks). The waiting list for Packers tickets is over 50,000 names deep. That’s fan devotion that could withstand a little fucking with. Besides, with the Favre saga seemingly at its end, it would be a shame to let the high bullshit tolerance of Packer Nation go unutilized.
Green Bay has no depth under center whatsoever. Packer backups Matt Flynn and Brian Brohm have one year each of experience, and no starts between them. The brass must have been sniffing some badass glue when he decided to throw Aaron Rodgers on the field for his first career start last season with literally nothing but a couple of warm bodies behind him. The obvious rub for Green Bay here is that they’ll have to dispose of one of the two quarterbacks that they drafted just 16 months ago.
Playing In Wisconsin Gets Vick Out Of The House. Getting out of Virginia, where Vick spent years playing Doggie Don King, is only gonna do that guy some good. Hanging out in the middle of nowhere, with crackers at every turn, might be the shot in the arm that the three-time Pro Bowler needs. Oh sure, all of the staring and sounds of locking car doors will get old after a while, but that’s standard integration procedure here in America. Whoops, did I just call America “integrated?” My bad.
Signing Vick Totally Fucks With Aaron Rodgers. I really should like Aaron Rodgers; he’s one of the prime reasons that Brett Favre is currently sitting on his couch instead of some other team’s future. And it was Rodgers that stayed in the green room as he continued to slide down the board during the 2005 draft, as opposed to noted man-bitch Brady Quinn who ran out with his flight attendant girlfriend just two years later. Michael Vick has the potential to unseat Rodgers, or at least gerrymander the psyche of that team in trying. As it was in the 2005 draft, that’s drama that I want to see.
Sure, it’s not a perfect scenario: Vick would never get a true chance to compete for the starting job, and he’d probably prefer to play someplace where being black isn’t a Class 3 Misdemeanor. But Vick To Green Bay falls on the more feasible side of the sanity scale. The reality is that we may not see Vick suit up at all on Sundays, which would be annoying. If Green Bay has taught us anything, it’s that following quarterbacks that aren’t committed to a team is the most irritating pastime ever. Here’s hoping the Pack will spare us one more go-round of that.
Tags: Aaron Rodgers, FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE, Green Bay Packers, michael vick, MMP
August 6th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Dood! I’m so high, I could eat my lower lip right now and probably not even feel it.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:48 am
“…he’s one of the prime reasons that Brett Favre is currently sitting on his couch instead of some other team’s future…”
If you read this carefully, it essentially says that Brett Favre would be sitting on some other team’s future if he were playing. Which is absolutely true.
Oh, and “gerrymander?” Lofty.
Fuck you, Britt Farr.
August 6th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I’d be OK with this, but only if Vick wears No. 4.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Oh, Claude, that would be CLASSIC.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:02 am
A young troubled black man moves to Wisconsin aka the Alabama of the North. What could possibly go wrong?
August 6th, 2009 at 10:09 am
All the blimpy white girls you can shake a stick at, Mike! Think about it.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:14 am
@ Nathan Hale
(random Fray song playing)
He was a troubled young black man who’s life was in shambles. To get a fresh start in his career, and love life, he’ll have to move from his home in Virginia, to…
/record scratch
WISCONSIN!!
Starring Jamie Foxx as Michael Vick, and Sandra Bullock as the love interest (PR person hired to rehab his image)
August 6th, 2009 at 10:23 am
You thought Vick’s dogfighting ring was bad? Wait ’till he starts deerfighting.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Reggie White was embraced in Green Bay after coming over as a free agent. Of course, he hated gays and Mexicans so there were plenty of opportunities for him to bond with the locals. Had Vick strangled Bruce instead of Bowser, they’d love him in Wisconsin.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Really the best place for him to land is Pittsburgh. Every PETA protest would be shouted down in 10 minutes by 200 lunatics chanting “Here We Go Steelers.” His jersey would be a top seller for ironic and unironic reasons, and all of a sudden, Big Ben’s not the biggest criminal under center.
Heck, as long as he’s not a flamer like Kordell, even the most ignorant, racist Stillers fans (and I know many) will support him. Unless he sucks.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Wisconsinites are certainly not “crackers.” They’re a rich and delicate mixture of rubes, hicks, and bumpkins.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I still think it would be more ironic and funnier to put him with the Dawg Pound in Cleveland.
I can hear C. Collinsworth going on and on and on…
/shoots TV
August 6th, 2009 at 10:40 am
@Tracer:
Interesting point. I want to follow up for the sake of completeness. Are you saying that if Vick had testiclectrocuted Fernando instead of Fido, they’d love him in Wisconsin?
August 6th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Well here’s to hoping he plays somewhere. GB sounds like a good choice based on the sound logic (what the fuck?) of PUNTE there. But I agree with Pittsburgh too even if Vick would have to wear a number other than 7. And I would pay to see a 300 pound Steelers fan throw a PETA protester into the Allegheny river while screaming “death to the hippies.” That would make my day.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:53 am
@ Cheeseland
RUBES!!!!
August 6th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Vick can’t end up on a major market team — no Jets, Giants, Pats, Skins, etc — because the pressure will be never ending.
But going to a Green Bay or a Pittsburgh or some other mid-to-small market team with a rabid fanbase makes the most sense. They’ll close ranks around him and the local sports media will be far more lenient on him.
/dick joke
August 6th, 2009 at 10:57 am
People: CAROLINA! Jake Delhomme beating out Michael Vick? Even I who thinks Vick may suck or take a long while coming back can’t get past how bad Jakey is. This works for me! Carolina fans, comments requested.
j4b: would like to see that PETA toss as well.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Since I’m not from the midwest – I’m curious as to why Wisconsin is labled terribly racist?
August 6th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Ookie should try the UFL for six to eight games. Get some $$, and maybe just maybe pay off some of his debts. (Set the example mike)
Of course the presumption in all of this is that he can still play. If you thought he was an inaccurate passer in the friendly confines of the temperature-controlled Georgia Dome, imagine how bad he’ll be on a frozen turf in 40 mph winds.
It’d be like Chuck Knoblauch in his later years behind center.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:06 am
What is “green bay?”
August 6th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Pittsburgh would be a great choice for Vick. That way, when they travel to Cleveland, everybody with Dawg Pound tickets would be trying to smuggle in nooses and rape stands, and you would see 300 pound guys with mustard and jumper cables hanging from their nipples.
It would be… Fucking awesome.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:21 am
you would see 300 pound guys with mustard and jumper cables hanging from their nipples.
Cut. Print. Gay.
/NTTAWWT
August 6th, 2009 at 11:25 am
That way, when they travel to Cleveland, everybody with Dawg Pound tickets would be trying to smuggle in nooses and rape stands, and you would see 300 pound guys with mustard and jumper cables hanging from their nipples.
As though that isn’t happening already. If you Clevelanders (Clevelandians?) need an excuse for your S&M roleplaying by now, you’re going to have to look elsewhere.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Eh, needs more /sarcasm. my bad.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Also, I’m a Bengals fan, I get enough S&M roleplaying by owning season tickets and reading the police blotter every week.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:37 am
@ claude balls: Indeed. Likewise, he’d be embraced had he tied Lance to a rape stand instead of Lassie.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:39 am
@ryno
Mostly because Green Bay is 98% white and 2% Green Bay Packers players.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:41 am
He’s playing like a kid out there, a kid who loves to torture house pets and may grow up to be a serial killer, yep.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:52 am
As a Browns fan, I wouldn’t be upset if they picked him up. When Mangini finally picks our “quarterback” he’s going to trade the loser of the competition and then Ratliff will be our backup. As long as he donated a few million to the Humane Society, I think it’d be ok. Of course, this is how we roll in Ohio-
http://blog.peta.org/archives/2009/08/bunnies_drowned.php
August 6th, 2009 at 11:54 am
“Since I’m not from the midwest – I’m curious as to why Wisconsin is labled terribly racist?”
LOL, I’m sure it’s just a joke simply because there are a lot of white people there. I’ve lived several hours north of Green Bay for a long time and it isn’t racist. Wisconsin and neighboring Minnesota are actually quite progressive. If anything, Green Bay can rightly be called a drain on our health-care system for its epidemic of morbid obesity.
As far as what I’ve encountered some deep-seated racists are in West Virginia and Wyoming/Utah border area. There are some cracker-ass mofos there.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I think Mr. Vick should end up in Jacksonville. Here’s why:
* Crazy head coach? CHECK
* Apathetic fan base? CHECK
* Fellow criminals on team? CHECK
* Incumbent QB is mediocre, slow and weak armed? CHECK
Vick at center, MJD at RB..not bad, right?
August 6th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
@Rock
You’re mostly right. Northern WI is progressive-ish, but the makeup of the cities is beyond predominantly white. Milwaukee is arguably the most segregated city in the US, though, and Madison is diverse and accepting, but only because its the capital and a major college town.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
@CobraCommander: how dare you sully the name of one Silky Garrard. He finds the best quality hos out there for our choosing and occasionally beats the Steelers so he can’t be all that bad right? RIGHT?
August 6th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
As a Packer fan I love this idea, fuck it…if he can win us games I am all for it. Its not like the Packers are going to win more than 8 games this year anyway.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Boatdrinks has it- it makes perfect sense, the only time Vick was worth a damn was when ATL had the power rushing attack like the PussyCatDolls have and the offense was built to go against 8 in the box. Assuming Vick still has a loose cannon of an arm, Steve Smith may be one the few receivers able to work with him for those deep outs and bombs.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
@ Rob
Yes, that much is true, but a demographic lack of diversity does not equate to an actively racist culture.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
/end Cheesehead bias
no but really, fuck you
August 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
@ Roachmine
There’s always this too.
http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2009/07/euclid_woman_faces_charges_of.html
August 6th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
@rock
True. However, hanging “newcomers” in the town square to keep out the “riffraff” might be a tad racist.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Cobra Commander:
I’m surprised to see you here today. I thought you would be gearing up for your big screen debut at tomorrow’s premiere of your film.
August 6th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
@Boatdrinks: While you might be right about the competition, Marty Hurney and John Fox gave Delhomme a bit ol’ contract extension, so they’re invested in him for at least the next 2-3 years.
Pat Yasinskas has more:
http://myespn.go.com/blogs/nfcsouth/0-13-21/Once-and-for-all–Vick-not-coming-to-Carolina.html
August 6th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Out of the upper MidWest, the lower part of it is by the most racist. For example the hicks on the souther part Michigan’s are clutch when it comes to racism. As you move north it gets better.
The extreme north of the Upper MidWest is pretty much focused on drinking, deer hunting, driving 4×4s and getting through the winter, as such if you own a 4×4, a gun and like beer you’ll fit right in*.
*Offer not valid if you’re Hmong
August 6th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
@ CPM
Wow. Even the old ladies in Ohio are screwed up. I need to get out of here.
@ SafetyDan
Nice Hmong reference
August 6th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
@ Jacking4Beats: I apologize, sir, I forgot the Ho Pulling Power that Mr. Silky Regard contains.
@Tomlinson’s Pain Tolerance: I was not invited to ANY of the premieres, it appears. Me and Dr. Mindbender will be having our own movie night, Destro may come along..but no Storm Shadow! He is a dick.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Do they have Blunts and 40’s in Fudgepacker land??
August 6th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
He’s going to be a Raider. Your heart tells you this.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Fun fact: domestic assaults double in Green Bay on nights that the Packers lose.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
@Rob in Wi
really?! madison is probably the most progressive city in Amerika (and i use that in a bad sense) we cant even smoke outside at the Union anymore…oh and we have the highest gays per capita
@Joey Jo Jo
pack’s winning at least 9 this year and will make noise in the playoff
and i would love to see Senor Mexico on my sidelines eying-up 170+LB white women to give the Herps to
August 6th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
@Rock:
/Stands up, knocks over drink, opens mouth and points finger to defend WV
//Looks around
///Sits back down
August 6th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Everybody else’s NFL city/region is racist.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
WK- eying up ALL the women at Lambeau
August 6th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Sommmmme folkl never sign mike Vick….
August 6th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Like Virginia, Wisconsin has created a “culture of acceptance” for obese alcoholics.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
@ whatwouldjerrydo
He’s a couple of years away from singing with the Raiders. He first needs to prove that he’s an ok player and only then will the White Track Suit back up the Brinks truck and over pay him. (See MeAngelo Hall’s & Javon Walker’s contracts)
August 6th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Green Bay isn’t racist. It’s just the only small town in American sports with a pro franchise. There’s nothing to do there except drink and eat and be fucking COLD in winter. Is it any wonder it’s not chock-full of racial diversity? Chicago and New York and Philly get cold in winter too, but they have clubs and bars without animal heads on the walls, and museums that feature more than tractors and cows.
If Butte, Montana had an NFL team in the 40’s and 50’s and had managed to make a successful run, you’d have ESPN calling the Butte Mountaineers the best fanbase in sports. Instead, that monkey-thrown dart of fate landed in Green Bay.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
@wisco kid
Good point… I think I’m being to generous in using liberal and progressive… what amuses me is when you get to Middleton, you can smoke outside, but across the beltline you can’t, so Yes at TGI Fridays, no at Applebee’s… go figga.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Which Green Bay gang will Vick join, the Scandinavians or the Germans?
August 6th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
@Gino…
The Scandinavians. What else but a dogsled can allow him to whip canines without scandal? Call me crazy, but I think Vick has been in the wrong sport all along. He was born to rule the Iditarod.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
@ porky1
I don’t know. The Germans’ obsession with creating pure bloodlines for the purpose of fighting might appeal to some part of Vick’s personality.
August 6th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
In other news, Michael Crabtree’s threatening to sit out this season and re-enter the draft unless he gets paid more than Darrius Heyward-Bay, who is making 23 million right now. His reasoning is that he wants his contract to reflect that he is the better and higher picked receiver, and is causing this uproar because he was picked lower than he was projected to be picked.
Link:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=dw-michaelcrabtree080609&prov=yhoo&type=lgns
Now if you’ll excuse me.
/goes to shoot self
//in the face
August 6th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
The Packers will never sign Michael Vick. This is just Ted Thompson’s typical double-speak getting into the headlines. All he ever says when it comes to making a personnel move is “We like to look at all of our options.” Being Vick is a free agent, he’s obviously an option. A shitty option, but an option.
Bottom line, he’s not coming to Green Bay. Teddy just won’t come out and say so. Packers President Mike Murphy did try to squash the rumors by saying “I don’t anticipate anything happening there.”
So, Rodgers is staying put as the starter unless he breaks his arm or somehow gets his head jammed up his ass and starts throwing 4th quarter picks like the guy we just kicked out of town. Speaking of which, go fuck off Brett. Asshole.
For the record, I would take Vick coming to GB over Favre’s lazy ass in a second. And Vick is a TERRIBLE QB. Fuck off again, Brett.
/jumps off soapbox
//sprains ankle
August 6th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
@ Frank GORE! GORE! GORE!
Lofty article. I appreciate the author’s insight that Al Davis’ decisions are now so bad that they are spreading beyond his own backyard. Gotta love it.
August 6th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
I can’t figure out why Carolina hasn’t signed Vick. Delhomme sucks donkey balls – his career jumped the shark last year. My Vikings are, of course, too stupid to figure it out, as is Jacksonville, the other logical fit, so the Panthers might as well jump in. (Vick would also look good in a 49er uni, but I understand the PR problem he would generate there.)
August 8th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I no longer live in Green Bay, but I do take offense to all the name calling, and insinuations that people from Green Bay are hicks, rednecks, bigots, and basically fundamentalist rubes. Comments written by apparently the lower dreggs of the barrel of ale.
Michael Vick would not necessarily add any depth to the Packers as he has not played in such a long time that he may perform as uselessly as Joey H. did in DTW. But Green Bay does have an effect on troubled players, in the small town atmosphere of Green Bay if they don’t conform to what is expected of them, they will be on their way out of town soon enough.
Vick if he performs up to his previous standards would be a great assett to any team, but if his past follows him, he may as well give it up right now. It is his choice. The question is will the GM use his intellegence and do what is best for the team? He hasn’t so far.
My viewpoint, make the decision to allow Vick to suit up for some other team, apparently there are still 7 other teams considering him. Send Harlan and Wolf on the road to find a new GM and get the packers back to playing good football. The lackluster play of the Packers is enough to put even die hard fans asleep. Last season wasn’t even fun to watch.