For Burnination, You Have Selected: Terrible Towel
The Football Fan’s Manifesto tip contest turned bad publicity stunt that will only cause me pain and likely not lead to any additional sales has come to a head. I can’t close the poll for some reason but here are the results at midnight, when I said I would end the voting. And the piece of merch that’s going to be fried will be a Terrible Towel. You people are some suckers for symbolism, I guess.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I definitely don’t want to burn a towel. The ghost of Myron Cope will never forgive me. But compared to what I could have lost, this is a huge relief. Hell, I have three of them and can get more at about $5 a pop (which goes to public schools the Allegheny Valley School, so I can be smug about my meager outlay). A few canny dickbags in the comments mentioned that the Hines jersey, though a crappy replica, holds the most sentimental value for me. And they’re 100 percent right. It’s not even close. It’s by far the most valuable item to me of all the things I offered up for sacrifice. Broggel nerr smire foll week if he have buln that jelsey! Yet still you picked a towel. YOU FOOLS! I spent all afternoon panicking that I was gonna have to lose the Hines jersey. After all, I wore it in that picture that got me shitcanned from The Post. I wore the thing under another jersey during the Super Bowl because I was freaked out because I wore it during Super Bowl XL and my superstitions were running on overdrive. It’s a priceless piece of Apeiana! You could even have made me destroy one of the other jerseys or the Fathead, which set me back far more money than one of several Terrible Towels. Still, I’m gonna have to destroy a towel and probably will never hear the end of it from fellow Steelers fans this year. You’ll get your video next week, jackals.
Tags: book whoring, every football fan has an Elevator to the Gallows movie poster, picksburgh stillers, towelie ban, xmas ape
August 5th, 2009 at 12:12 am
OH HEY LOOK A SMUG ASSHOLE STEELERS FAN
August 5th, 2009 at 12:15 am
I thought the symbolism of a fathead burning was too precious but apparently voted down…
August 5th, 2009 at 12:32 am
that’s actually why i wanted you to burn the one you had. so you could re-donate to the school. never hurts to play the good guy when you’re a stiller’s fan.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:37 am
I voted for the Fathead, like the majority of the good people of Oregon and Alabama. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Democracy Does Not work.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:42 am
dont blame me i voted for Ron Paul
August 5th, 2009 at 12:45 am
towels are the lamest thing. the voters blew it. we should have got him to burn the rapistberger jersey.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:58 am
i definitely voted for the ward jersey multiple times…all who voted for the fucking towel deserve a visit from the rapeasaurus
August 5th, 2009 at 12:58 am
Sure you can buy more Terrible Towels, but secretly you’ll know they mean nothing to you. Not like the one you burned.
/seriously doesn’t give a shit
August 5th, 2009 at 1:00 am
Seeing that picture of Ape was the first time I’ve ever thought Burning Man was a good thing.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:17 am
You put it on the line and thats what counts. Hard fucking core. Will it lead to book sales? Probably not, but it’s not because it’s a bad book.
/you can blame teh intarwebs
August 5th, 2009 at 1:48 am
Wait, Black Ward jersey referred to HINES Ward??!! I call shenanigans. If you’d accurately identified it as an Asian Ward jersey the results ‘wourd have been compretery diffelent’
August 5th, 2009 at 2:03 am
Some Steeler fan. You don’t even know where the money for the towels goes. It doesn’t go to public schools. It goes to an institution for the mentally disabled. A place called The Allegheny Valley School. It is the residential institution that is taking care of Myron Cope’s M.R. son.
August 5th, 2009 at 2:07 am
I went with my first instinct and voted Hines jersey. Then I PUBLICLY second guessed myself and proved what a douche I am. Fuck!
/feels shame
//is really good at burning shit
August 5th, 2009 at 2:24 am
Well, you do need to make room in the linen closet for either a new Six-Burgh Terrible Towel (http://news.steelers.com/catalog/product/103642/) or just a plain old Super Bowl Champions XLIII Terrible Towel (http://news.steelers.com/catalog/product/102930/) so I guess burning one of your current towels isn’t that bad.
/voted for burning a Flacco jersey
August 5th, 2009 at 2:31 am
Oregon is an aberration of the west coast
August 5th, 2009 at 2:58 am
Oregon is the Alabama of the Northwest.
August 5th, 2009 at 5:56 am
I re-vote for the poster on the wall behind Ape in the pic above.
/ballot was confusing, not my fault
//demand re-count, burn Hines Ward
August 5th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Find someone with a Ravens jersey to do it for you, so that the Ravens will begin a downward spiral of uncompetitve suck.
T.J. Whosyourmomma “shined his shoes” with one, and he rang up Palmer with an ACL tear and the Bungles cleared the way for Super Bowl XL.
And good ‘ol LenWhale doomed the Titans to a first round stomping by… well… stomping… on one.
August 5th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Can I wipe my ass with it before you burn it?
August 5th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Can I wipe my ass with it before you burn it?
Well, that’s one way to dot the “i” in “Terrible.” But a shitstain would only improve its value.
Ape, I knew the Ward jersey was what you valued most, but didn’t vote for it. Not because I care about your feelings, princess, but because I’m pretty sure it still has the power to get you fired from yet another job. That thing has the evil mojo of the Bobby Brady Hawaiian Tiki Idol,
August 5th, 2009 at 8:10 am
How many poses did you go through before you came up with that ghey one…
Voted for the Fathead since I didn’t figure you to be smart enough to pull it off the wall first then burn…would have made a great vid. Dang.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:20 am
That’s the worst gay wizard costume I’ve ever seen.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I cheer this photo, and recommend all future blog pics of the KSK’ers feature towels covering hideous, freaklike faces under movie posters identifying the owners as homosexuals.
/props on not owning a “ice or grass we’ll kick your ass” tee
August 5th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Just imagine the smell when that crusty towel goes up in flames. Burning DNA is never a good odour.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I cheer this photo, and recommend all future blog pics of the KSK’ers feature towels covering hideous, freaklike faces
Terrible Towel —> Bradshaw Burka
August 5th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I never knew a Steelers fan could rationalize so well. The towel voters knew that this video would draw the most hits, and if this is a publicity stunt then you won twice. You up the cheapest piece of crap you have and are going to get the most from it. But really the towel is the cheapest piece of crap any fan could own.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Now that the towel is burned, you’ll have to beat off into the Hines jersey now.
/thinks you already do
August 5th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Let me check my Football Fan’s Manifesto to see what it says about burning team memorabilia. Ok, here it is. It says anyone over the age of 25 who owns 4 team jerseys, 3 terrible towels and any fathead should light themself on fire. Mini helmets are ok, because they once contained sweet, delicious icecream.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:12 am
I wore the thing under another jersey during the Super Bowl because I was freaked out because I wore it during Super Bowl XL and my superstitions were running on overdrive.
really?
August 5th, 2009 at 9:16 am
So disappointed in the voters. I’ve seen many a terrible towel burn. The group I go to games with steals one from some douche yinzer (or wannabe yinzer, as the case may be) everytime pittsburgh comes to town and burns it at the post-game tailgate.
Not that I condone that sort of thing.
/hides zippo
//voted fol wald
August 5th, 2009 at 9:24 am
I’m with Jack on this one.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I voted for the grey Big Ben jersey thinking that since it was a rare item and alternate uni – it might be the hardest to replace. However this logic could be flawed if:
1. Ape doesn’t give a shit about it and rarely wears it
2. He got it as a freebie in some corny promotion
3. It was a gift from someone who wasn’t at true steelers fan.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:47 am
I erect fol buln Tellibre Tower. Vely symboric.
August 5th, 2009 at 9:47 am
1. Ape doesn’t give a shit about it and rarely wears it
I wouldn’t say I don’t give a shit about it, but it’s the one I wear the least.
Can I wipe my ass with it before you burn it?
Fine. But you might as well burn it too, because I’m not touching it after that.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:02 am
“burninating the countryside…burninating the peasants…”
/glad for the Strong Bad reference
August 5th, 2009 at 10:02 am
We’ll forgive you for the towel burning as long as the book is funny. I voted “None of It’ because i am a ridiculous homer.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Yeah I voted for the gray Rongrastname jersey.
I can’t explain why, but I really don’t like alternate uniforms.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:08 am
GODDAMN IT!!! You fools, I told you that he cherished that Hines Ward jersey more than anything else. REPLICA MY ASS! Now Ape’s going to burn a shitty $5 towel that’s probably doubled as a wank sock during Steelers wins.
If only you people would have listened to the Cowboys fan, we could have danced around the fire like wild injuns. Ape, you may have survived this round, but we’ll get you…OH YES, WE’LL GET YOU!!!
MUHAHAHAHAHA
August 5th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I am a little confused by the descriptions. There is a white LaMarr Woodley? He is as good as the black one?
August 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I may have read the initial post for the contest wrong, but I thought that Ape wouldn’t be allowed to replace whatever item he burned? I figured leaving Ape Terrible Towel-less for life would have forever been a mark against his Stillers fanhood, but obviously the dynamic here changes if that’s not the case…
/demands a re-vote
//seconds notion that democracy just doesn’t work
August 5th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I voted for all the people in the thatch-roof COTTAGES!!!!!!!!!!! THATCH-ROOF COTTAGES!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, just burn something already.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I am a little confused by the descriptions. There is a white LaMarr Woodley? He is as good as the black one?
You’re a little dense, aren’t you?
August 5th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I went for fathead because of the enormous toxic cloud of plastic smoke that would result, choking the life out of as many Stillers fans living in Ape’s slum apartment complex as possible.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I don’t understand the towel thing. Is this towel significant? Does it confer magical powers? Did a towel save a Pittsburgh player’s life once or something? Does the towel walk around saying shit like, “I am so high right now”? Someone explain the towel…
August 5th, 2009 at 11:08 am
You’re a little dense, aren’t you?
No, but I apparently excel at crafting sarcastic comments that you do not recognize.
/Do plan on buying book
August 5th, 2009 at 11:14 am
OW-AH SAHCASM IS HAHHHDAH TO DETECT THAN YO-AH SAHCASM!
August 5th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I went for fathead because of the enormous toxic cloud of plastic smoke that would result, choking the life out of as many Stillers fans living in Ape’s slum apartment complex as possible.
So how’s that different from actual Pittsburgh?
August 5th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Am I the only one getting a Ralph Nader/Al Gore feel from this “election” with the Rongrastname Jersey and the Hines Jersey? All I have to say, I fucking told you people, but no, “symbolism” won out.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:45 am
I tried people, I tried. I routed about 70 votes through a Polish proxy before Ape banned that IP on Monday night, so I ran as much as I could through a Texas-based dynamic proxy and only could get 10-15 more votes in for the Hines jersey before that pool was exhausted. You fucks! At least I made Ape sweat for a night. (Oh Christ… ew…..)
August 5th, 2009 at 11:57 am
I knew it! Cheating fucks!
YOU’LL NEVER TAKE MY PRECIOUS JERSEY NOW!
August 5th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
/flashback to 2000
August 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
The Towel symbolizes Pittsburgh football. Monetary value is crap, burning something that is associated with that god forsaken team, regardless of who is playing for them, is worth it to me.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
As a fellow Steeler fan, you have my support in this tough deed. Im glad to see you didnt have to roast your jersey.
You probably will be hearing “yoi’s” in your sleep though and the souls of disabled children will haunt you.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
RE Grimace Says:
“The Towel symbolizes Pittsburgh football. Monetary value is crap, burning something that is associated with that god forsaken team, regardless of who is playing for them, is worth it to me.”
Um, don’t they already have something that does that, like, you know, a uniform?
August 5th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Ok maybe Im missing something, but what’s with the written Asian accent replacing L’s with R’s? You can replace most any letter with an R when imitating Asian accents, but an L? They can’t even say that fucking letter.
August 5th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I voted for the towel, mainly because I figure it was the only thing that cost less than the book I’m not going to buy.
Besides, I’m with Grimace. The Terrible Towel is more of a symbol of the Steelers than the uniform or anything else. Kind of like the Cheesehead to the Packers, except somehow even lamer.
August 5th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
RE Brady Quinn’s Courage Says:
“The Terrible Towel is more of a symbol of the Steelers than the uniform or anything else. Kind of like the Cheesehead to the Packers, except somehow even lamer.”
Wow. That is really sad. Worse than the cheesehead… Yeah, Steelers fans really need to work on their symbolism.
August 5th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
I’d like to set a Cheesehead on fire. Burning one of those cheese-shaped novelty hats would be fun, too.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Yes, Steelers fans should be less lame and instead chew on milkbones in the stands. Only then will they have a symbol befitting a proud franchise.
Browns fans turn bitterness into an art.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
I”M GOING TO FUCKING HIRE SHAWN MERRIMAN TO ANAL RAPE ALL THE FAGGOT PUSSIES WHO VOTED THE TERRIBLE TOWEL! THEN I”LL COME AND RAPE YOU WITH A DILDO AND A FUCKING RAPIER.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:45 am
He is my hero,and certainly the best player of all time
Many young girls and hot models on ____Tallloving CoM____ wanna marry a man like him. I did see some supermodels there. I know many guys tired of dating the ordinary, maybe u can meet your special at this superb club :-)
August 6th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Fun that this thread is getting spammed by “jack”. I haven’t seen that here before.
I’m glad the towel won. I’m a Patriots fans that hate the Stillers, but even I have a soft-spot for things with sentimental value. My hate is for the team as a hole, not for Ape personally, so I’d rather see something more symbolic than personal. Plus, I finally get to say (with meaning behind it): “That Terrible Towel should die in a fire.”
August 6th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Fine, you get to burn a $5 dollar, shitty towel… You got three of them, right?… Well, then… Burn the Myron Cope one!!!… I dare you!!!…