Elisha Gets Paid Big Boy Money
Int. Manning’s Hoboken, NJ Condo
Eli: [on the phone] That’s flippin’ sweet news, Mr. Condom [snickers to himself]. So I’m the highest paid player in the whole dang league?
Tom Condon: That’s right, Eli. You’re number one, just like we talked about.
Eli: Awesome! So I make more than that Spazzy McJerkface?
Tom: Yes, you make more than Phillip Rivers.
Eli: But do I make more than Coach Coughlin?
Tom: Of course Eli, you made more than Couch Coughlin when you were a rookie. Now you’re the highest paid player in the whole league!
Eli: Killer! Now I have one more question, and it’s very VERY important.
Tom: Okay Eli, what is it?
Eli: Do I make more than Peyton?
Tom: Yes, Eli. You officially make more than your brother.
Eli: NO WAY!
Tom: Yes way, Eli. You’re a very rich man. I hope you know what you’re going to do with all that money.
Eli: Do I ever!
Eli: Sweeeeet! [sips from sippy cup]
Tags: AP reports that Mort is taking credit for, elisha, Unsilent Majority
August 5th, 2009 at 10:11 am
He’ll probably give it to Jesus.
Sucker.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Damn, I was seriously hoping for Laserface behind the cut.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Clear the kids from FAO Schwartz people. Eli is comin’!
August 5th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Is this before or after he bought a book containing the lessons that Archie neglected to teach about the “birds and the bees,” then the other book explaining to him why he shoots blanks?
August 5th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I hear he’s going to hire the actors of G.I. Joe to reenact the entire movie in his back yard.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:40 am
97.5 million?
That’s quite a bit for a guy who would be in the UFL right now if Plax had stayed with the Steelers.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Pey Pey is gonna be pissed and make the Pey Pey face at Thanksgiving dinner.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:48 am
damn, i was hoping for a YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAAAY! after the jump.
August 5th, 2009 at 10:58 am
He’ll blow it all hiring Van Halen to play his next birthday party.
/Spicoli’d
August 5th, 2009 at 11:01 am
He’s totally getting the train set from Silver Spoons.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:12 am
that’s his actual house now. his wife is filing divorce papers as we speak.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:14 am
He’s totally getting the train set from Silver Spoons.
My money’s on the life-sized keyboard from “Big.”
August 5th, 2009 at 11:15 am
so that’s what 1 Super Bowl win is worth, huh?
August 5th, 2009 at 11:20 am
I heard he asked to be paid in Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
Look out, skeeball prizes. He’s coming for you.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:22 am
AP reports that Mort is taking credit for
True tag. Lofty tag.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Damn, I wish (KSK writer) pigeonholed (popular character – need not be the creation of said writer) into every post, regardless if it especially relevant to the story. Also, I wish the body of the story contained a detailed plan for (KSK writer) to mail me a check for $20.
/ungrateful commenter
August 5th, 2009 at 11:28 am
That’s one of my favorite post-jump punchlines this site has ever posted.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Well, the Giants are screwed for years to come. Can I switch allegiances to the Jets now?
/gets unreleased book thrown in face.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Man – that could buy alot of handjobs.
August 5th, 2009 at 11:50 am
For some reason, I always imagined that Eli has always wanted a pony. Now that dream might come true. Or one of those sundaes Napoleon eats in the first Bill & Ted movie.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
“I want a Spongebob bounce house, and a llama, but not the kind you get at the fair, but I also want a fair too.”
/meatwaded
August 5th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
OK, the Chiefs have been in camp a few days now, and Todd Haley has been out there spraying spittle at players for a while. Where’s the Todd Haley post? He’s only going to be an NFL head coach for about 20 games, so we have to get while the getting is good.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Dude made one “lofty” spin move in the Super Bowl, and thanks to Tyree’s amazing helmet-catch, he was able to make an additional pass to Plexiglass that won the game. And now he’s the highest paid player? I seem to be missing out on all the other grand achievements this clown has made in his career…
Well, I guess those few minutes of grandeur in the SB were akin to winning the lottery.
Now he can afford to hire Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg, and Tom Selleck to help him re-enact his all-time favorite movie. Too bad he still believes that there was really a ghost behind the curtains.
*I also wonder if that fat slobbering NYG fan is spilling his tears over Elisha’s payday?
August 5th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
No jokes about Plaxico being the highest paid inmate?
/shows self out
August 5th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Well, I’m glad we already locked up our QB long term. QB’s around the league are going to be using some variation of the “Well, Eli got 35 mil guaranteed, and I’m three times the QB he is” line for leverage during negotiations.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
That thing will be smelling like piss within a week.
August 5th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I swear I expected Chad OchoCinco to show up. Because somebody’s got to show that white boy how to spend that money.
Shoot, where’s Pacman when you need him?
August 5th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Yeah, well, Cooper found a dollar at the bus station.
August 5th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
@ jackin’4beats
FAO Schwartz is in the city, and I think the city is waaaay too scary for Eli. I bet he’s a Toys R Us kid.
August 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Eli and his Mom are going the biggest antique shropping spree of all time.
August 5th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
This made my day.
August 5th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
In years to come, they will speak of this as the contract that caused the lockout.
Flippin’ sweet?
August 5th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Flippin’ sweet, indeed.
Eli is the highest paid in the league and the 7th best on his own team.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:22 am
can we get another lazerface story? and soon. cant get enough marmalard
August 6th, 2009 at 5:44 am
He is my hero,and certainly the best player of all time
Many young girls and hot models on ____Tallloving Co m____ wanna marry a man like him. I did see some supermodels there. I know many guys tired of dating the ordinary, maybe u can meet your special at this superb club :-)
August 6th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Speaking of lasers, I bet Eli always went for the laser-background when he was getting his school portraits done:
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&um=1&q=laser+background+school+photos&sa=N&start=0&ndsp=20
August 6th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
The guy led a team that beat Tom Brady’s (the best QB in the NFL) best team of his career and statistically the best NFL team ever. Who else beat Tom Brady and the Patriots in the Superbowl this decade? Boys and girls, that’s the kind of pay day you get if you do.
August 6th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
@suzysmyho
That’s funny…I could have sworn the NYG football TEAM beat the Pats in the Super Bowl. I mean, the defense is what slowed the Pats offense down and kept them in check. As far as I remember, the 18-1 Pats were a team built around a prolific offense (well, mainly passing, as they had a mediocre-at-best run game) and an average defense. So the NYG defense and their defensive coach (Spagnulo or something like that) should have gotten the most credit.
Elisha didn’t design the defensive game plan, nor do anything above and beyond his position. Besides, if your logic demands that Eli be the highest paid player in the ENTIRE league based on his Super Bowl trophy, then I guess Trent Dilfer also deserved to be the highest paid player in the League back in 2001 after the 2000 Super Bowl win for the Ravens.
So your statement it pretty much, well, stupid. But then again, what do we “boys and girls” know?
August 6th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Keep hating, Gross Rexman.
Anyway … according to the morning paper, Manning is now the EIGHTH-highest-paid player in New York, behind (in order): A-Rod, CC, Johan, Teixera, Jeter, Beltran, and Burnett.
How many Super Bowl rings does AJ Burnett have…?
August 6th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
How am I “hating?” It is relatively obvious Elisha should NOT be the highest paid player in the NFL. Besides, you do know that his payday has a ripple effect on the entire League, right? And subsequent NFL contracts for players that are truly deserving will look at Eli’s payday as a benchmark…and all these huge contracts get paid for how? Largely by the ticket prices, merchandise, etc paid for by fans. So Eli’s questionably deserved payday affects all of us.
And to answer your retarded question, AJ Burnett has as many Super Bowl rings as all those other BASEBALL players that you listed.
Dumb ass New Yorkers. Keep on overspending for players, Steinbrenner. I guess it’s cool to “buy” championships.
August 6th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
*Doesn’t actually hate all New Yorkers or New York. Just the Yankees, but this isn’t an MLB site.
As for New Yorkers, Tracy Jordan is cool. He’d take Elisha behind the middle school and get him pregnant.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
This is awesome. He should give David Tyree half.
August 7th, 2009 at 6:41 am
It is relatively obvious Elisha should NOT be the highest paid player in the NFL.
It’s not “relatively obvious” at all. Assuming Brittfar stays retired, there are exactly four active QBs with Super Bowl wins: Elisha, Pey Pey, Rongrastname, and Brady (don’t recall his KSK nickname). It seems “relatively obvious” to me that one of those four should be the league’s highest-paid player — what exactly has Nnamdi Asomugha done that justifies his making more than all four of them?. Eli happened to be the one whose contract came up most recently, next year it’ll be someone else.
The AJ Burnett line was a joke. You’ve heard of those?
/waits for the comments accusing me of insulting Nnamdi Asomugha
August 7th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
But you’re saying that the QB position is the most valued position on the team, then? If you are saying the best player on the TEAM deserves the fattest contract, then I can agree with that. If Elisha is the true MVP of the NYG club, then fine, I guess he deserves such exorbitant pay. But for him to be the highest paid player in the entire NFL is crazy. Either way, it is a done deal, and as you said, next year someone else will be the highest paid player. I’m more concerned about the ripple effect. The price of a franchise tag will be driven way up. Cap space is going to be even more of a premium.
Anyway, we’ll see how Elisha performs this upcoming season with the weight of this contract, the lack of Burress or Toomer (I honestly couldn’t even begin to say who else plays WR or TE for the Giants).
Manning may have won a Super Bowl 2 years ago, and is a reliable QB (in terms of what to expect and health), but he does NOT deserve to be the highest paid player in the League IMO. I just wonder where it ends with player salaries?
And your baseball joke was, well, a poor one. But good luck to your Giants. As long as the Cowboys lose and I can see Jerry Jones’ sad face – I am happy.