“Football Season Preseason Has Begun: We’re Watching NFL All Day (That’s Why We’re Just Like Not Wearing Makeup & Drinking Cheap Beer—Having Our Nice Little Bar Run)
Occasionally, I like to act like a big man and savagely mock well-intentioned YouTube videos. In this one, ShelleyK80 is celebrating a supposed milestone regarding Houston’s erstwhile football team, while expounding upon her personal travails. Let’s join in the fun, shall we?
0:01 – First of all. the Houston Oilers are not turning 50 because they are fucking dead. Do you understand me? Dead. They are no more turning 50 than Jimi Hendrix is turning 28. Comprende?
0:19 – Visiting the doctor you say? No chance pain killers will be involved, is there?
0:25 – Drinking the Beast tallboys, so despite a rough start, she could still be a chill chick.
0:35 – Apparently that punkazz muthafucka TotalSoapAddict been sleepin’ on her titays.
0:48 – My shit does not come from a 99 cent store, it comes from a gumball machine—GET IT STRAIGHT ASSHOLE!
1:01- Suddenly she is making tangential references an intricate set of rules that she assumes viewers are familiar with.
1:16- 2: 30 – Christ, wouldn’t it have been easier to email this long-winded rambling explanation to directly to MojoKaos. Seriously, at this point I have no earthly idea what she is talking about. Something about pen-pals for prison inmates. Does she know Rae Carruth?
3:08 – That’s not a throwback jersey and that’s not Warren Moon… it’s Dan Pastorini, if you please.
3:28 – Ah yes, the original Staubach, made from * rapid tugs on sleeve *.
3:40 – A detour into an intriguing, if slightly unfocused tale of a late-night phone call and a stolen wallet containing 10, 60, 70 or even 355 dollars.
4:45 SHE KNOWS IT WAS YOU! YOU DIDN’T REALLY THINK YOU WERE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT DID YOU? SHE KNOW IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB YOU BITCH!
5:49 – So she has caller ID to know not to answer the phone, but still doesn’t know who called to tell her wallet was in the mailbox?!?
6:18 – It’s not very often that an Elvis Presley appearance actually decreases the redneck factor of a video.
6:44 – DEAR FUCKING GOD THAT IS SOME GOOD FUCKING GOSPEL MUSIC!!! IT MAKES ME BELIEVE IN JESUS AND SHIT.
6:59 – Not sure what Cracker Jack rub-on tattoos have to do with “gay-lesbian and all that great stuff”, but whatever.
7:06 – “I like to play with temporary tattoos… by the way, my profile says I’m 29 years old.”
7:20-7:27 awkward silence while she tries to decipher the mystery of the rub-on tattoo.
7: 36 – No, here is YOUR bonus question: is getting shitfaced on the Beast and giving away gumball machine largesse on the internet the way you thought you would be living your life? Think carefully before answering.
8:04 – In other words, he is the perfect guy… except the whole “in prison” part.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Meth is a hell of a drug.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Holy shit, I went to high school with this ugly bitch.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Yeah.. well…
/vomits
August 27th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Sadly, I know entirely too many chicks like her.
And by ‘entirely too many’ I mean two… maybe three.
/cry for help
August 27th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
She looks like The Ben’s type. Harf Harf Harf
August 27th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Please post the sex mailbag. Simmons’s latest mailbag makes me want to punch my computer.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Couldn’t get past 1:12. This chick is suffering from a psychotropic medication deficiency.
@spanky…..one is far too many
August 27th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
LaFavre ftw
August 27th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Can you guys change the “Read the rest of this entry” link to “Read the rest of this travesty”? It applies, I would say, maybe 2/3rds of the time anyway. Might as well be honest, right?
August 27th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I got as far as, “…decided to make a vidyo…”
August 27th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
What does ‘80′ represent in her screename? Year she…was born, graduated HS, had first child, got married/divorced, cooked her first batch of krank?
August 27th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
That Pastorini jersey almost looks new. wtf?
August 27th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I hung up quickly. Every second I watched that is another second of my life I could be doing something else like staring at a coffee stain or something.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Damn that was horrible, but 7:20-7:27 was fucking fried gold.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Oh shit now BlueRat has suckered me into watching up to 7:20 ……
/dives back in to the void.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
That can possibly be for real, can it?
I’m gonna get ripped to the tits on drink and drugs and get me my own youtube show- you’ll see!
August 27th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
*can’t.
Doh, sorry. Long time reader first time typer…
August 27th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
this lady is under the impression that people know or care about her. the beatles and elvis made appearances… she needs to be a little more up to date on her music. anybody notice that she doesnt actually say anything about the oilers the whole damn time?
August 27th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
@spanky datass
I’d guess all but being born.
At one point she mentions her family. Now those are people I’d like to meet.
/Hey Ma! Get off the dang webcam!
August 27th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
It’s like Jerry from “Lucky Louie” got a sex change, a dye job, and moved to Corpus Christi.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:22 am
“Milwaukee’s Best…that’s what you drink when you ain’t got no money.”
I thought that poor man’s drink was actually called water you drugged up, WIC receiving meth-tard.
August 29th, 2009 at 5:03 am
Until next time… bitch holla whaaaat?
Indeed. Well spoke.
/my brain just ker-ploded
August 29th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
“Your walt’s in your melbox”
Huh?