Occasionally, I like to act like a big man and savagely mock well-intentioned YouTube videos. In this one, ShelleyK80 is celebrating a supposed milestone regarding Houston’s erstwhile football team, while expounding upon her personal travails. Let’s join in the fun, shall we?

0:01 – First of all. the Houston Oilers are not turning 50 because they are fucking dead. Do you understand me? Dead. They are no more turning 50 than Jimi Hendrix is turning 28. Comprende?

0:19 – Visiting the doctor you say? No chance pain killers will be involved, is there?

0:25 – Drinking the Beast tallboys, so despite a rough start, she could still be a chill chick.

0:35 – Apparently that punkazz muthafucka TotalSoapAddict been sleepin’ on her titays.

0:48 – My shit does not come from a 99 cent store, it comes from a gumball machine—GET IT STRAIGHT ASSHOLE!

1:01- Suddenly she is making tangential references an intricate set of rules that she assumes viewers are familiar with.

1:16- 2: 30 – Christ, wouldn’t it have been easier to email this long-winded rambling explanation to directly to MojoKaos. Seriously, at this point I have no earthly idea what she is talking about. Something about pen-pals for prison inmates. Does she know Rae Carruth?

3:08 – That’s not a throwback jersey and that’s not Warren Moon… it’s Dan Pastorini, if you please.

3:28 – Ah yes, the original Staubach, made from * rapid tugs on sleeve *.

3:40 – A detour into an intriguing, if slightly unfocused tale of a late-night phone call and a stolen wallet containing 10, 60, 70 or even 355 dollars.

4:45 SHE KNOWS IT WAS YOU! YOU DIDN’T REALLY THINK YOU WERE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT DID YOU? SHE KNOW IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB YOU BITCH!

5:49 – So she has caller ID to know not to answer the phone, but still doesn’t know who called to tell her wallet was in the mailbox?!?

6:18 – It’s not very often that an Elvis Presley appearance actually decreases the redneck factor of a video.

6:44 – DEAR FUCKING GOD THAT IS SOME GOOD FUCKING GOSPEL MUSIC!!! IT MAKES ME BELIEVE IN JESUS AND SHIT.

6:59 – Not sure what Cracker Jack rub-on tattoos have to do with “gay-lesbian and all that great stuff”, but whatever.

7:06 – “I like to play with temporary tattoos… by the way, my profile says I’m 29 years old.”

7:20-7:27 awkward silence while she tries to decipher the mystery of the rub-on tattoo.

7: 36 – No, here is YOUR bonus question: is getting shitfaced on the Beast and giving away gumball machine largesse on the internet the way you thought you would be living your life? Think carefully before answering.

8:04 – In other words, he is the perfect guy… except the whole “in prison” part.