As Nashville police try and sort through the sad details of Steve McNair’s murder, various media outlets have stumbled over themselves to get ahead of the story, thus resulting in a rare perfect storm of retarded speculation and braindead theories about the circumstances surrounding the star QB’s demise. Well folks, no one covers a major event as poorly as we at KSK do. If you’re going to read speculation about McNair that is clearly false, you deserve only the DUMBEST of theories and predictions. Here now, is some of our very finest non-detective work on the matter.
-It’s entirely possible that Kerry Collins will now begin drinking Barbicide again.
-Those aren’t bullet holes. They’re precision Jeff Fisher fist pumps.
-Jeff Fisher is going mustacheless this season in silent tribute. Book it.
-Could the Titans be looking into an organization-wide ban on extramarital affairs? Maybe!
-Mark our words: Nate Washington will be too distraught to drop passes with his hands. He’ll just let them clang off his helmet.
-We have reason to believe that Bob was tired of being the “other” McNair in NFL circles. Makes you wonder…
-It’s entirely possible that the gun was planted on the scene. But who did it? Well, here’s a guess: Chris Chandler. Think about it.
-Yes, McNair was shot several times… but only ONCE in the head. Let’s not rule out the possibility that McNair killed himself.
-Jevon Kearse hasn’t logged onto MySpace since July 1. HOW CONVENIENT.
-Johnny Cash did it just to watch him die.
-Adrian Veidt is the one behind all these celebrity murders
-You know who’s been oddly silent in the wake of this alleged tragedy? The reverse vampires.
-Remember, Nashville is the center of the country music industry. Let’s not rule out Travis Tritt.
-Word on the street is Peyton never did want to share that 2003 MVP…
-Saleh Kazemi? Sounds like a Persian name to me. Could this be part of a far and wide ranging crackdown on potential Iranian dissidents in the wake of that country’s rigged elections?
-Steve McNair was shot in Nashville. NASHville… Nash Bridges! Which starred Don Johnson… Johnson… JOHNSON & JOHNSON… No more tears! No More Tears was an album by Ozzy Osbourne, who is married to Sharon Osbourne, who is the host of America’s Got Talent… AMERICA’s Got Talent… which is our version of Britain’s Got Talent…
SUSAN FUCKING BOYLE DID THIS!
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My heart really goes out to the wife and family of this fallen soldier. Not just because of his death, but because of the shame and dissappointment and blatant slap in the face this man did. I understand that being in a 12 year relationship with someone can be taxing on both parties overall. A new relationship with a young woman probably put him on top of the world. Made him feel like he still got it but was it worth it? The most dissappointing thing about this whole ordeal is if that I believe that he did make some type of promise to that girl in some sense of the way for her to have taken such drastic measures. Men do this all the time, they meet u and promise u the world only that its just a fantasy. I heard lots of great things about Mr. McNair but the fact that he had the nerve to have that girl paying for a car by herself while his name is on the registration speaks volumes. In addition to this, it seems to me that it was poor judgement on his part to get involved with a 20 year old girl who probably don’t know how to take care of herself yet and one who does not know how to handle a relationship emotionally. Poor judgement on his part. I certainly hope that he had time to ask God for forgiveness because all he did on this earth is one thing but when he gets before God its another.
How did someone like Michelle find this website at 12:30 AM?
@ Michelle:
There’s a special segment every week called the Sex-Football Advice Mailbag. You expected this site to be tasteful?
/obnoxious laugh, sip of scotch in victory
I AGREE WITH JOE..THIS IS THE MOST TASTELESS SITE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON. LORD FORBID SOMETHING LIKE THIS OCCUR TO EACH OF YOU. YES, HE WAS BY NO MEANS PERFECT BUT HE AND HIS FAMILY DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TRASHED LIKE THIS EITHER.
you all are tasteless. If all you guys on here are titan fans saying these things, then now I know why you guys don’t win anything. You guys don’t deserve a football team in that town
@ Sea Otter
Upon further review, Kazemi’s physical appearance clearly meets the standards expected of a player of Mc Nair’s status.
The game official’s view was obstructed by a flotation device. The ruling on the field is overturned; you will not be charged a timeout.
The Lesson I learned is to always be faithful to your wife. Because if you don’t have a mistress she can’t shoot you twice in the face and twice in the chest.
or tavaris jackson heard an adultering qb from mississippi was there and thought he’d eliminate some competition
i think plaxico was just trying to stuff his pistol back in his sweat pants and it accidentally went off into them
Nash Bridges my ass. It was STEVE Nash. Never trust a floppy-haired Canadian. They think they invented “country strong”.
Sea Otter:
The body may be quality, but she is a butta face. With the biggest nose this side of Jerusalem.
@ Kimbo Gash – did you see the body on her? There was nothing substandard about this poon. Still not worth taking four slugs at point blank range, but I’m sure it was fun while it lasted.
Oh, and check out Holly Robinson Peete’s Twitter updates. It’s clear Rodney better not be planning the same thing, unless he wants his wife feeding his dick to Kobayashi a la that dude in “Stepbrothers”.
O.J. didn’t do it, but if he was going to do it, this was how.
Mc Nair wanted to replace Bill Clinton as the undisputed Champion of squandering status in pursuit of substandard poon.
It’s so obvious, I’m shocked no one has mentioned it yet: Michael Jackson rose from the grave and shot McNair, because he was mad only white celebrities have been dying recently.
The first person to say, “I am still searching for the real killer(s)” is the one to watch.
My guess is Peyton Manning did it. Co-MVP my ass, there can be only ONE!
saleh and mcnair were the same person. i love these twist ending.s
Or maybe Tennessee…
/sunglasses
…is switching to the pistol offense.
(Sorry.)
It was Bus Cook. Now the other 3 minutes of SportsCenter that aren’t about the Land Baron are now about Bus’ only other client.
definitely Susan Boyle. how the fuck has no one thought of this already. good work, guys.
+1 Marmalard’s Asking Me. Best one so far.
“Hi!Billy Mays here with Steve McNair to tell you about ESPN360…..”
It was Roger Goodell as part of his new extreme personal conduct policy, even retired NFL players have to behave now.
Am I the only one who got briefly erect when I read the details before the name? “Known adulterer quarterback client of agent Bus Cook who resides in Mississippi found shot to death.”
/not sure if i was first to this joke or not
Peter King did it.
No “jeez punter that’s just wrong” or gratuitous Simpson’s reference tabs?
We need to nuke Tansylvania before those reverse vampires strike again.
I’m with Mo, where was the Pacman at?
It wasn’t OJ…unless it was.
“It was a one-armed man.”
Someone get Special Agent Dale Cooper on the case.
/Damn fine coffee’d
It couldn’t have been Collins, he was out front burning a cross on the lawn.
Of course, this could have been a simple re-enactment of the Plaxico nightclub shooting gone horribly wrong.
It was Eli Manning. He was tired of sharing the title of “QB who has never thrown a spiral”.
Sahel “Smooth Criminal” Kazemi wanted to steal McNair’s American Express card and Publishers’ Clearinghouse winnings, but giving him ass cancer and knocking him upside the head with a suitcase weren’t as effective as bullets. Or maybe they disagreed on Viet Nam.
/did I get everybody?
He was planning his comeback, those are speed holes!
It was David West Pouts, he is obviously trying to put it of as a suicide… Maybe a little too much…
i heard that kevin dyson is being considered as a pallbearer. mcnair’s coffin will be left just outside the grave.
Can you rule out that he lost a fiddle contest with Satan himself? You cannot.
It was Colonel Mustard in the bedroom with McNair’s own gun
where was rush limbaugh at the time of the murder?
PK went back down to Nashville as part of his vacation, and thought he was an escaped slave.
It could have been Vince Young. He’s been talking about shooting a Titans QB for almost a year and we all assumed he meant himself. Then again VY would have probably pussied out in crunch time.
SPOILER ALERT: It was actually McNair’s twin brother who loved Kazemi
It was a one-armed man.
/Dr. Richard Kimble’d
“You know who’s been oddly silent in the wake of this alleged tragedy? The reverse vampires.”
Clearly these murders were just viral marketing for the SciFi Channel changing their name to “SyFy.”
Don Draper would be proud of their initiative.
Marlo Stanfield – for failing to get Bawlmer that SB ring.
/The Wire
Ray Lewis is innocent! He uses knives, dance moves and crazy stares to murder his victims, not guns.
Derrick Mason, distraught at being blamed for the Titans’ Super Bowl loss for nearly a decade was seen in the area muttering, “Not my fault. He should have lead me. Not my fault.”
Warren Moon is extremely jealous of his status as the best black QB in NFL history and once reportedly held a knife to Donovan McNabb’s throat. Is it only a coincidence that Moon played in the run-and-shoot?
After months ranting into any camera he could find, Dick Cheney has been suspiciously quiet all of a sudden.
Sarah Palin resigns as governor and disappears from view, purportedly to go fishing in rural Alaska. McNair was found dead the next day.
McNair was actually shot twice in the head, but police have said that’s not unheard of in cases of extreme depression. Often, the victim’s desire to kill himself is so great that it can even overcome death.
Since McNair’s disemboweled remains weren’t stuffed in Purple Jesus’ locker as a prank, I guess we can rule out BrittFarr.
2 words….
Albert
Haynesworth
My vote goes to reverse vampires. You can’t trust those fuckers. Though I’d be lying if I didn’t immediately think of Peyton Manning. Not only is there the co-MVP drama, but Steve also had more success in Tennessee than Peyton ever did.
This article just re-ignited my hate in awarding Co-MVP awards. Like PK and Simmons when it comes to douchey, self-centered journalism, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.
Anyone seen Javier Bardem lately? I mean he did get away at the end of the movie and people have been dying in the South ever since. Coincidence? I think not sir.
I expected a Pacman appearance.
I bet Kerry Collins did it as a warning to an ascendant Vince Young.
Oh Snap, I didn’t seen nuthin’!
McNair played for the Ravens, Ray Lewis obviously is involved in McNair’s murder.
“-Adrian Veidt is the one behind all these celebrity murders”
Watchmen geek representin’
RE “As Nashville police try and sort through the sad details of Steve McNair’s death”
Uh oh… already, it’s not looking too good.