Your Braindead Steve McNair Murder Speculation Clearinghouse
As Nashville police try and sort through the sad details of Steve McNair’s murder, various media outlets have stumbled over themselves to get ahead of the story, thus resulting in a rare perfect storm of retarded speculation and braindead theories about the circumstances surrounding the star QB’s demise. Well folks, no one covers a major event as poorly as we at KSK do. If you’re going to read speculation about McNair that is clearly false, you deserve only the DUMBEST of theories and predictions. Here now, is some of our very finest non-detective work on the matter.
-It’s entirely possible that Kerry Collins will now begin drinking Barbicide again.
-Those aren’t bullet holes. They’re precision Jeff Fisher fist pumps.
-Jeff Fisher is going mustacheless this season in silent tribute. Book it.
-Could the Titans be looking into an organization-wide ban on extramarital affairs? Maybe!
-Mark our words: Nate Washington will be too distraught to drop passes with his hands. He’ll just let them clang off his helmet.
-We have reason to believe that Bob was tired of being the “other” McNair in NFL circles. Makes you wonder…
-It’s entirely possible that the gun was planted on the scene. But who did it? Well, here’s a guess: Chris Chandler. Think about it.
-Yes, McNair was shot several times… but only ONCE in the head. Let’s not rule out the possibility that McNair killed himself.
-Jevon Kearse hasn’t logged onto MySpace since July 1. HOW CONVENIENT.
-Johnny Cash did it just to watch him die.
-Adrian Veidt is the one behind all these celebrity murders
-You know who’s been oddly silent in the wake of this alleged tragedy? The reverse vampires.
-Remember, Nashville is the center of the country music industry. Let’s not rule out Travis Tritt.
-Word on the street is Peyton never did want to share that 2003 MVP…
-Saleh Kazemi? Sounds like a Persian name to me. Could this be part of a far and wide ranging crackdown on potential Iranian dissidents in the wake of that country’s rigged elections?
-Steve McNair was shot in Nashville. NASHville… Nash Bridges! Which starred Don Johnson… Johnson… JOHNSON & JOHNSON… No more tears! No More Tears was an album by Ozzy Osbourne, who is married to Sharon Osbourne, who is the host of America’s Got Talent… AMERICA’s Got Talent… which is our version of Britain’s Got Talent…
SUSAN FUCKING BOYLE DID THIS!
Tags: ksk group posts, or was it MUUUURDER?, Steve McNair, uneducated guesses
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July 6th, 2009 at 11:20 am
RE “As Nashville police try and sort through the sad details of Steve McNair’s death”
Uh oh… already, it’s not looking too good.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:25 am
“-Adrian Veidt is the one behind all these celebrity murders”
Watchmen geek representin’
July 6th, 2009 at 11:26 am
McNair played for the Ravens, Ray Lewis obviously is involved in McNair’s murder.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Oh Snap, I didn’t seen nuthin’!
July 6th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I bet Kerry Collins did it as a warning to an ascendant Vince Young.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am
I expected a Pacman appearance.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Anyone seen Javier Bardem lately? I mean he did get away at the end of the movie and people have been dying in the South ever since. Coincidence? I think not sir.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:46 am
This article just re-ignited my hate in awarding Co-MVP awards. Like PK and Simmons when it comes to douchey, self-centered journalism, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:54 am
My vote goes to reverse vampires. You can’t trust those fuckers. Though I’d be lying if I didn’t immediately think of Peyton Manning. Not only is there the co-MVP drama, but Steve also had more success in Tennessee than Peyton ever did.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:58 am
2 words….
Albert
Haynesworth
July 6th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Since McNair’s disemboweled remains weren’t stuffed in Purple Jesus’ locker as a prank, I guess we can rule out BrittFarr.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Derrick Mason, distraught at being blamed for the Titans’ Super Bowl loss for nearly a decade was seen in the area muttering, “Not my fault. He should have lead me. Not my fault.”
Warren Moon is extremely jealous of his status as the best black QB in NFL history and once reportedly held a knife to Donovan McNabb’s throat. Is it only a coincidence that Moon played in the run-and-shoot?
After months ranting into any camera he could find, Dick Cheney has been suspiciously quiet all of a sudden.
Sarah Palin resigns as governor and disappears from view, purportedly to go fishing in rural Alaska. McNair was found dead the next day.
McNair was actually shot twice in the head, but police have said that’s not unheard of in cases of extreme depression. Often, the victim’s desire to kill himself is so great that it can even overcome death.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Ray Lewis is innocent! He uses knives, dance moves and crazy stares to murder his victims, not guns.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Marlo Stanfield – for failing to get Bawlmer that SB ring.
/The Wire
July 6th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
“You know who’s been oddly silent in the wake of this alleged tragedy? The reverse vampires.”
Clearly these murders were just viral marketing for the SciFi Channel changing their name to “SyFy.”
Don Draper would be proud of their initiative.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
It was a one-armed man.
/Dr. Richard Kimble’d
July 6th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
SPOILER ALERT: It was actually McNair’s twin brother who loved Kazemi
July 6th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
It could have been Vince Young. He’s been talking about shooting a Titans QB for almost a year and we all assumed he meant himself. Then again VY would have probably pussied out in crunch time.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
PK went back down to Nashville as part of his vacation, and thought he was an escaped slave.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
where was rush limbaugh at the time of the murder?
July 6th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
It was Colonel Mustard in the bedroom with McNair’s own gun
July 6th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Can you rule out that he lost a fiddle contest with Satan himself? You cannot.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
i heard that kevin dyson is being considered as a pallbearer. mcnair’s coffin will be left just outside the grave.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
It was David West Pouts, he is obviously trying to put it of as a suicide… Maybe a little too much…
July 6th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
He was planning his comeback, those are speed holes!
July 6th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Sahel “Smooth Criminal” Kazemi wanted to steal McNair’s American Express card and Publishers’ Clearinghouse winnings, but giving him ass cancer and knocking him upside the head with a suitcase weren’t as effective as bullets. Or maybe they disagreed on Viet Nam.
/did I get everybody?
July 6th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
It was Eli Manning. He was tired of sharing the title of “QB who has never thrown a spiral”.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
It couldn’t have been Collins, he was out front burning a cross on the lawn.
Of course, this could have been a simple re-enactment of the Plaxico nightclub shooting gone horribly wrong.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
“It was a one-armed man.”
Someone get Special Agent Dale Cooper on the case.
/Damn fine coffee’d
July 6th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
It wasn’t OJ…unless it was.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I’m with Mo, where was the Pacman at?
July 6th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
We need to nuke Tansylvania before those reverse vampires strike again.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
No “jeez punter that’s just wrong” or gratuitous Simpson’s reference tabs?
July 6th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Peter King did it.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Am I the only one who got briefly erect when I read the details before the name? “Known adulterer quarterback client of agent Bus Cook who resides in Mississippi found shot to death.”
/not sure if i was first to this joke or not
July 6th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
It was Roger Goodell as part of his new extreme personal conduct policy, even retired NFL players have to behave now.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
“Hi!Billy Mays here with Steve McNair to tell you about ESPN360…..”
July 6th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
+1 Marmalard’s Asking Me. Best one so far.
July 6th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
definitely Susan Boyle. how the fuck has no one thought of this already. good work, guys.
July 6th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
It was Bus Cook. Now the other 3 minutes of SportsCenter that aren’t about the Land Baron are now about Bus’ only other client.
July 6th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Or maybe Tennessee…
/sunglasses
…is switching to the pistol offense.
(Sorry.)
July 6th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
saleh and mcnair were the same person. i love these twist ending.s
July 6th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
My guess is Peyton Manning did it. Co-MVP my ass, there can be only ONE!
July 6th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
The first person to say, “I am still searching for the real killer(s)” is the one to watch.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
It’s so obvious, I’m shocked no one has mentioned it yet: Michael Jackson rose from the grave and shot McNair, because he was mad only white celebrities have been dying recently.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Mc Nair wanted to replace Bill Clinton as the undisputed Champion of squandering status in pursuit of substandard poon.
July 6th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
O.J. didn’t do it, but if he was going to do it, this was how.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
@ Kimbo Gash – did you see the body on her? There was nothing substandard about this poon. Still not worth taking four slugs at point blank range, but I’m sure it was fun while it lasted.
Oh, and check out Holly Robinson Peete’s Twitter updates. It’s clear Rodney better not be planning the same thing, unless he wants his wife feeding his dick to Kobayashi a la that dude in “Stepbrothers”.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Sea Otter:
The body may be quality, but she is a butta face. With the biggest nose this side of Jerusalem.
July 6th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Nash Bridges my ass. It was STEVE Nash. Never trust a floppy-haired Canadian. They think they invented “country strong”.
July 7th, 2009 at 7:33 am
i think plaxico was just trying to stuff his pistol back in his sweat pants and it accidentally went off into them
July 7th, 2009 at 7:34 am
or tavaris jackson heard an adultering qb from mississippi was there and thought he’d eliminate some competition
July 7th, 2009 at 8:19 am
The Lesson I learned is to always be faithful to your wife. Because if you don’t have a mistress she can’t shoot you twice in the face and twice in the chest.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
@ Sea Otter
Upon further review, Kazemi’s physical appearance clearly meets the standards expected of a player of Mc Nair’s status.
The game official’s view was obstructed by a flotation device. The ruling on the field is overturned; you will not be charged a timeout.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
you all are tasteless. If all you guys on here are titan fans saying these things, then now I know why you guys don’t win anything. You guys don’t deserve a football team in that town
July 8th, 2009 at 12:35 am
I AGREE WITH JOE..THIS IS THE MOST TASTELESS SITE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON. LORD FORBID SOMETHING LIKE THIS OCCUR TO EACH OF YOU. YES, HE WAS BY NO MEANS PERFECT BUT HE AND HIS FAMILY DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TRASHED LIKE THIS EITHER.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:30 am
@ Michelle:
There’s a special segment every week called the Sex-Football Advice Mailbag. You expected this site to be tasteful?
/obnoxious laugh, sip of scotch in victory
July 8th, 2009 at 8:34 am
How did someone like Michelle find this website at 12:30 AM?
July 10th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
My heart really goes out to the wife and family of this fallen soldier. Not just because of his death, but because of the shame and dissappointment and blatant slap in the face this man did. I understand that being in a 12 year relationship with someone can be taxing on both parties overall. A new relationship with a young woman probably put him on top of the world. Made him feel like he still got it but was it worth it? The most dissappointing thing about this whole ordeal is if that I believe that he did make some type of promise to that girl in some sense of the way for her to have taken such drastic measures. Men do this all the time, they meet u and promise u the world only that its just a fantasy. I heard lots of great things about Mr. McNair but the fact that he had the nerve to have that girl paying for a car by herself while his name is on the registration speaks volumes. In addition to this, it seems to me that it was poor judgement on his part to get involved with a 20 year old girl who probably don’t know how to take care of herself yet and one who does not know how to handle a relationship emotionally. Poor judgement on his part. I certainly hope that he had time to ask God for forgiveness because all he did on this earth is one thing but when he gets before God its another.