Wild and Unexpected Encounters on Top of a Mountain
Jim Mora, Jr.: Looks like we’re approaching the summit.
Roger Goodell: This has been a truly incredible experience. I really want to thank you for getting me to do this. I’m pushing myself to my physical limits in ways I’ve never called on myself to do at any point in my overwhelmingly privileged life. I thought meting out punishment to NFL players was something but this is a visceral thrill that cannot be matched. Unless you count indefinitely suspending players for vaguely unseemly off-field activities. That’s still tops in my book.
Jim Mora: Hey, it’s my pleasure.
Voice: Oh my god, it’s people!
Jim Mora, Jr.: Who goes there?
Voice: Wow, you’re the first guys I’ve seen in a while.
Jim Mora Jr.: Hey, that’s Dave Brown. Used to quarterback for Giants for a few years in the ’90s.
Roger Goodell: What in the world are you doing up here? And in full pads?
Dave Brown: Chris Calloway told me back in 1995 that if you lived at the top of a mountain, you never get old, or at least you would get old very, very slowly. Something about the elevation. So that’s what I’ve been doing for a while.
Jim Mora: So where is he then?
Dave Brown: He also told me black people don’t climb mountains. That’s why they die younger. His words.
Goodell: Hate to break it to you, but that’s not true in the slightest.
Dave Brown: Which part?
Goodell: Either. But especially the part about not getting older.
Mora: Yeah. It looks like you’ve aged horribly.
Dave Brown: C’mon man, that’s not cool. I’m as young and full of vitality as I ever was.
Goodell: Do you need some help getting down the mountain? We’ve got extra supplies. It looks like you’ve been a bit misinformed.
Dave Brown: Oh, I’m informed all right, Commissioner Goodell. I got info like you wouldn’t believe. Here’s one little nugget for you: I do know that your failure to help the ownership strike a deal with the player’s union will end in a lockout that could jeopardize the 2011 season, a singular disaster that will set into motion a series of cataclysmic events that results in the fall of man in 2012, just as the Mayans and Roland Emmerich have foretold. Also, I know you jerked it real quick one time in Jeffrey Lurie’s luxury box in Philly. And didn’t even wipe up.
Goodell: What? Wait. How do you know about that?
Dave Brown: [vanishes]
Goodell: Can we go home now?
Mora: Before you get mad, I just gotta say I wouldn’t have brought you up here if I knew Mount Rainier was haunted by the ghosts of crappy QBs who aren’t actually dead yet.
Goodell: I wish I could believe that.
Mora: And I won’t tell Paul Allen. Promise.
Tags: Dave Brown needs to learn of the proud legacy of black mountain climbers, jim mora, mailbag is coming so shut your yap, randomness, the rog, xmas ape
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July 9th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Not a Sex Bag.
/the only good thing about Dave Brown is the Giants used a first round pick to get him. Ha!
July 9th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Also, I know you jerked it real quick one time in Jeffrey Lurie’s luxury box in Philly. And didn’t even wipe up.
Well, that’s one of the perks of being commish.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
You had me at the Chris Calloway reference.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Kevin Bacon and the kid from “Goonies” already did this in “Whitewater Summer”.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Am I the only one who thought of American Psycho when I heard the name Paul Allen?
July 9th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
While we are waiting for the mailbag, I found this awesome mastercard spoof:
http://whowhatwherewheny.wordpress.com/2009/07/08/this-commercial-could-sell-me-a-discovercard/
July 9th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Not a sex mailbag, but a suitable appetizer.
/mmm appetizers
//could go for some of those TGI Friday’s green bean fries right about now
///shows self out
July 9th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Just don’t go to Dave & Buster’s for a while.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
::looks at title:: HOORAY!!
::scrolls down::
::keeps scrolling::
Where the fuck is the part about the three-way with Sarah Chalke, Cobie Smulders and a mountain goat??
July 9th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I liked Dave Brown more when he was getting pile-driven into astroturf. Now he’s just creepy.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Mailbag?
July 9th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Wow, he faded away ! Awesome….I wish more qb’s would just fade away. Let’s make a list…starting with Chad Pennington. He really isn’t that gritty.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
So, uhh….
[tilts head; grimaces]
That’s pretty …
[rubs hand over mouth]
…random, don’t you think?
[scrolls back to the top; reads again]
I mean, Dave Brown? Really? Where the fuck did that come from?
[wanders off, shaking head]
July 9th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Dave Brown = nightmares!
Why can’t he fade away into oblivion….oh nevermind.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
So is Ufford too busy marveling at Keyboard Cat videos he hadn’t seen before and making excuses not to wear pants to post the mailbag?
/also missed ‘Fuck You’ Wednesday this week
July 9th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I think this is the greatest piece on KSK not categorized as “Wade and Jerry.”
Dave Brown. Wow. So awesome my nipples got hard and just overthrew the TE on a slant.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Dave Brown had the plainest name imaginable, so he had to suck so hard we’d remember him forever.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@miamidiesel
Fuck You Wednesday seems to have been moved to Deadspin.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
“Fuck You Wednesday seems to have been moved to Deadspin.”
That’s some weak shit right there.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I’m an internet commenter and I demand you post your ill-informed sex advice column that I may then ignore and post my own advice underneath! You must deliver your free comedic stylings and entertaining advice in a more timely manner!
July 9th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
ghosts of crappy QBs who aren’t actually dead yet
so pretty much every Jets QB
July 9th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
That’s elevation Holmes!
/ESPN’d
Now would you quit checking each other’s prostates long enough to post the fucking mailbag?
July 9th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
He also told me black people don’t climb mountains.
vince wilfork disagrees
i wonder how many people will get that one
July 9th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Everything Dave Brown tells you is true.
From a certain point of view.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Score, lil’ wayne.
Mr. and Mrs. Wilfork slamming into each other could create a new mountain range.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Back in the olden days, I played Sierra’s Front Page Sports Football game (NFL Madden’s great grandfather) — after installing inumerable patches for the damned thing to run. In the 1996 version, Dave Brown was the highest rated quarterback. I immediately traded that worthless piece of crap Neil O’Donnell for Brown. Won many Superbowls with Brown. Ah, the ingenuity of football programs.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
was hoping for a (mountain flies open)
July 9th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Is it too much to ask for an avalanche while those two douches are up on the mountain?
July 9th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
somehow without touching my manstuff, dave brown ruined my childhood in the worst way possible.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
So when does Ryan Leaf climb up Mt. Rainier?
July 9th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Hell of random guest appearance…
I was expecting ghost of McNair.
July 10th, 2009 at 12:34 am
needs more Ken O’brien
July 10th, 2009 at 12:38 am
Next week on KSK…Kent Graham and Danny Cannell talk about their gay marriage and life together in an Arctic yurt filled with S&M gear.
/nolessrandom
/qbsnotasgoodasadrunkkerrycollins
July 10th, 2009 at 9:53 am
“I’ll take Duke Football players for $100, Alex.”
“Who was the biggest waste for a first round costing supplemental pick from that perennial football loser school?”
“Who was “Dave Brown”, Alex”.
Who the fuck drafts a QB in the supplimental from a basketball school?