Well That Was A Complete Waste Of Time
Firstly let me say that I incorrectly assumed that this show was a half hour. I’ve made a huge mistake. Continue after the jump for highlights of some of the most worthless television programming I’ve ever seen.
-The popcorn is popped, I’m ready to be entertained.
-So publicists are basically helpful friends you have to pay for. Good to know.
-Introducing Pablo, a the body guard and surrogate big brother.
-Oh dear god, Jerry’s tablecloth diagram belongs in Canton. This horribly misguided show has its first worthwhile moment.
-The first of what’s sure to be many tears. That’s my wide receiver.
-Of course TO should move to LA. What could possibly go wrong?
-TO’s is missing! No, he’s just in Buffalo. And the publicists learn of it via text and news report. Then they do a little cheer. This is quite the family-for-hire he’s assembled. TO LA! Pack my shit, Pablo.
-So basically the publicists wanted TO to move to LA to be closer to them. How convenient.
-Pablo needs to smack him. Just once.
-The airline lost TO’s bags. That’s a shame.
-Oh yeah, TO’s gonna take this real estate agent to Dicktown. She certainly does seem receptive. She looks like she’s done this before.
-These publicists can really block some cock. It’s a shame that this is all for show.
-What does TO do in LA? Shopping spree!
-Pablo farted! How droll.
-Undefeated is definitely not on Rodeo drive. I can appreciate the shoes, but $137,000 for some diamond earrings is fucking retarded.
-HOOCHIE LOOKIN’ WOMEN! Pablo has supplied the house with a room full of LA’s finest club rats. The publicists are not happy. I’m starting to think that everyone on this show is full of crap. Probably should have seen that coming.
-It’s almost as if going to LA has made TO more vain. That never happens!
-And now for a nice relaxing night at home with the seductively dressed Asian real estate agent and a camera crew. It’s okay, she’s a nice Christian girl. Now about that hot tub…
-Of course she has a bikini ready to go. Champagne, strawberries, and some light petting, this whole sequence is like one of the Blind Date episodes they save for pay per view.
-WORKOUT MONTAGE!
-Any good publicist will advise you to call the ex-fiance you cheated on. And put it on speakerphone! I want to push this show off of a tall building.
-So this ex-fiance is pretty fucking gorgeous. Maybe Felicia should have a reality show.
-A commercial for Daisy of Love. Well I’ll never be the same again after that.
-Man purse! And TO’s housewarming gift is a double picture frame. On one side a picture of the former couple, on the other a stock photo of some white people looking at a map.
-TO’s first love is football? She must not know him very well. TO’s love list goes something like this.
1. Terrell Owens
2. TO
3. Some me
3. Football
4. Other shit
-What better way to end the first episode than with an uncomfortable silence.
-Just to be clear, the NFL wants you to know that they don’t have anything to do with this piece of shit show. They even made VH1 put up a handy disclaimer
-Next week on The TO Show, a guest appearance by Drew Rosenhaus. 5% more unwatchable!
So all in all that was a complete disappointment. TO doesn’t come off any differently than anyone could have expected and the publicists are far more interested in injecting themselves into TO’s life than actually looking out for his interests. The show’s only redeeming moments were the tablecloth, the fleeting glimpses of Felicia, and the full service real estate agent. Forget an hour, the show could have been 10 minutes long.
Tags: Awful television, Terrell Owens, The T.O. Show, Unsilent Majority
July 21st, 2009 at 9:25 am
Is this show going to exist during the season? I would really, really like to see TO during the season.
July 21st, 2009 at 9:29 am
Actually I think next week’s show will be 10-12% more unwatchable, with points on the back-end.
July 21st, 2009 at 9:41 am
Damn, I missed it. I was de-linting my sox.
July 21st, 2009 at 9:48 am
So google informs me that the ex-fiancee is Felicia Terrell, who totally looks like a hotter Tera Patrick. You’re welcome.
July 21st, 2009 at 9:57 am
I, too, thought it was only a half hour. I checked out after 25 seconds.
“Dating in the Dark” was surprisingly excellent, though.
July 21st, 2009 at 10:01 am
So you’re saying that TO isn’t gay?
/Felicia Terrell is smoking
July 21st, 2009 at 11:27 am
Sounds like my two or three forays into 4th and 10 were better. Who’d a thunk it.
July 21st, 2009 at 11:31 am
Amazingly T.O. didn’t notice how smoking hot his ex Felicia was. He was simply drawn to her sexy last name.
He actually cheated on her with a dude named Owens Terrell. Push comes to shove he’ll play for Garcia’s team.
July 21st, 2009 at 11:43 am
Kept the tablecloth? More like WORE the tablecloth. But at least Mr. Potatoheadeyebrows still gives him a lil respeck.
/leaves to ponder what Barry Bonds was doing in that clip.
July 21st, 2009 at 11:49 am
The info guide on my cable box called it “The Tor Show”
July 21st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
We all know Asians have no souls.
July 21st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
No meluvyoulongtime tag? Or mesohorny tag? Anytingyouwant tag?
I live for the creative tags.
/a little of me just died
July 21st, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I think Pablo farting in the Bentley was the T.O. Shows jump the shark moment.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:12 pm
The Plan is to fix the Man.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I will admit that the show was better than what I thought. If nothing else, as annoying as the girls are, Pablo is slightly amusing, but T.O. surely didn’t disappoint. He still came off as the cocky a-hole that we all see on SportsCenter and of course even with the party scene he claimed complete innocence (as he has with every on-field and off-field discrepancy). I was just waiting for him to go off more about Tony Romo and Jason Witten and how they probably influenced him being released from Dallas… maybe they just edited that out.
…and I’d like to send a Congratulations to the real estate agent. Congrats- you’ve just ruined your business by appearing as though you’re a whore for a sale.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:31 pm
So let me get this straight. If they got married she would have been Felicia Terrell-Owens?
July 21st, 2009 at 10:11 pm
I’m embarrassed to say that I’m going to keep watching, just for the upcoming episode where Owens drags his grandmother with Alzheimer’s Disease on camera. Because aren’t everyone’s sick old people there to be exploited?
July 24th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
The only thing worth watching on this show is Felicia. OMG!!!!!
She might be the most beautiful woman in the world! Put her next to Angelina, Megan, Any of them!
How did a stain like T.O. first pull a woman that beautiful and second, blow when he does?
The show should be about her! She has taken beauty to another level.