jon20-a

Firstly let me say that I incorrectly assumed that this show was a half hour. I’ve made a huge mistake. Continue after the jump for highlights of some of the most worthless television programming I’ve ever seen.

-The popcorn is popped, I’m ready to be entertained.

-So publicists are basically helpful friends you have to pay for. Good to know.

-Introducing Pablo, a the body guard and surrogate big brother.

-Oh dear god, Jerry’s tablecloth diagram belongs in Canton. This horribly misguided show has its first worthwhile moment.

-The first of what’s sure to be many tears. That’s my wide receiver.

-Of course TO should move to LA. What could possibly go wrong?

-TO’s is missing! No, he’s just in Buffalo. And the publicists learn of it via text and news report. Then they do a little cheer. This is quite the family-for-hire he’s assembled. TO LA! Pack my shit, Pablo.

-So basically the publicists wanted TO to move to LA to be closer to them. How convenient.

-Pablo needs to smack him. Just once.

-The airline lost TO’s bags. That’s a shame.

-Oh yeah, TO’s gonna take this real estate agent to Dicktown. She certainly does seem receptive. She looks like she’s done this before.

-These publicists can really block some cock. It’s a shame that this is all for show.

-What does TO do in LA? Shopping spree!

-Pablo farted! How droll.

-Undefeated is definitely not on Rodeo drive. I can appreciate the shoes, but $137,000 for some diamond earrings is fucking retarded.

-HOOCHIE LOOKIN’ WOMEN! Pablo has supplied the house with a room full of LA’s finest club rats. The publicists are not happy. I’m starting to think that everyone on this show is full of crap. Probably should have seen that coming.

-It’s almost as if going to LA has made TO more vain. That never happens!

-And now for a nice relaxing night at home with the seductively dressed Asian real estate agent and a camera crew. It’s okay, she’s a nice Christian girl. Now about that hot tub…

-Of course she has a bikini ready to go. Champagne, strawberries, and some light petting, this whole sequence is like one of the Blind Date episodes they save for pay per view.

-WORKOUT MONTAGE!

-Any good publicist will advise you to call the ex-fiance you cheated on. And put it on speakerphone! I want to push this show off of a tall building.

-So this ex-fiance is pretty fucking gorgeous. Maybe Felicia should have a reality show.

-A commercial for Daisy of Love. Well I’ll never be the same again after that.

-Man purse! And TO’s housewarming gift is a double picture frame. On one side a picture of the former couple, on the other a stock photo of some white people looking at a map.

-TO’s first love is football? She must not know him very well. TO’s love list goes something like this.

1. Terrell Owens
2. TO
3. Some me
3. Football
4. Other shit

-What better way to end the first episode than with an uncomfortable silence.

-Just to be clear, the NFL wants you to know that they don’t have anything to do with this piece of shit show. They even made VH1 put up a handy disclaimer

-Next week on The TO Show, a guest appearance by Drew Rosenhaus. 5% more unwatchable!

So all in all that was a complete disappointment. TO doesn’t come off any differently than anyone could have expected and the publicists are far more interested in injecting themselves into TO’s life than actually looking out for his interests. The show’s only redeeming moments were the tablecloth, the fleeting glimpses of Felicia, and the full service real estate agent. Forget an hour, the show could have been 10 minutes long.