We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, we present you with the weekly off-topic/offseason feature…
THIS WEEK IN FUCK YOU.
Every week or so, we’ll be taking our lack-of-football-related depression out on any number of deserving targets: people, things, abstract ideas, group dinners, etc. It’s just the kind of cathartic invective we excel at. This week, self-designated frat party kegtenders.
Hey, you!
Yeah you, douchebag!
I’ve been standing here for five fucking minutes. Will you fill my fucking cup already? Why the fuck are you even holding the keg tap for any length of time beyond the filling of your own cup? You’re not a mixologist, shithead. It’s a keg tap. A four-year-old could operate it. Stop manning the tap like you’re Sam fucking Malone, and give me my goddamn beer.
I bet you’re one of those shitheads that insists on tapping the keg yourself. “Stand back, everyone! This is where I shine!” Listen, Taylor The Lacrosse Captain. No one cares that you can tap the keg with minimal spraying. No one is impressed that you know to angle the tap to the side of everyone’s Solo cup. Everyone does that. You’re not gonna get bonus pussy just by trying to turn the keg area into your own Central Command. This is not some special skill you have. When they tutor students at the Culinary Institute of America, “Pressing Down On A Beer Tap” is not a required course.
OY! I was here wayyy before that other guy! WHAT THE FUCK? Oh, I see. You’re brahs! DIDN’T WANT TO MAKE YOU WAIT FOR A BEER, BRAH! Yes, I’m well aware that this is YOUR frat and that you don’t know who I am. But you chose to open your doors to everyone tonight to come and drink, and so here I am, ready to drink. MAKE WITH THE BEVERAGE.
OY! What’s with serving every chick you see before me? That one girl wasn’t even good looking. This is fucked up. All I wanted was a beer. But nooooooo. You had to turn this into your own little power trip. BIG FUCKING MAN, HOLDING THE TAP! LOOK AT YOU! I BET MORGAN STANLEY COULD USE AN INSUFFERABLE PRICK LIKE YOU!
Fuck you, asshole. DIE. I shouldn’t be made to wait ages for half a cup of Schaefer, and I certainly shouldn’t be made to feel like I’M the asshole just because I’m not the one who decided to pick up the tap and cling to it like Peter King to a Starbucks marble cake. You know what? Fuck it. Your party is ass, and I don’t want your beer. I’m leaving. Fuck you. Watch. I’m leaving right now. One more minute, and I’m gone.
Okay, one more minute after this.
GIMME MY FUCKING BEER!
Hey, where are you taking me? Tell your “brothers” to get their hands off of me, god dammit. YOU PEOPLE ARE STALINISTS.
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Blacks and Jews? Thats funny. Im Native American, and the last time I checked we have a smaller population than either one of those groups.
Fix your spelling, Big G. I guess I can add ignorant to that list as well.
LenDawsonApologist, thank you for your service.
If all the education you receive about the South is from TV, then I guess that shows your level of intelligence.
/shakes dick at everyone
So glad I went to a school without fraternities.
The last party I went to that had a keg was kegtended by the nine year old daughter of one of the women at the party. Man, what a douchey little bitch!
/house party of a now-married college drinking buddy
I think kegmasters can be douchy but it does make the line for the keg go faster. No transfer time with the hose.
“Only PTP is a jackass.”
umm, I assume you mean TPT. And yes I am a jackass. My dad always said if your going to be something be the best at it. That being said you must really be attached to the ole alma mater seeing as you can’t take a good ball busting.
@Big G: Lewisburg isn’t good if you’re looking for a big college party town full of bars and shit. It’s a nice, quaint small town. The Stars & Bars thing, I never saw, but hell I see trucks with that up here. My apologies. Only PTP is a jackass.
@Rocco
Only jackasses like you two judge how fun a school is by how big their parties are
Whoa, not sure where that came from. I didn’t say anything about it not being a fun school because of the size of the parties. I just said Lewisburg was a shitty town, which it is. Unless you like your neighbors with confederate flags in their cars (which I saw a few times there).
@Gino, Bukkake: Amen, sirs.
@ Enrico:
So, how’d you like Morgantown?
What?
@Rocco: Dropping Hamiltons like Aaron Burr?
@Big G & TPT: Yeah, well, Lewisburg isn’t not much of a party town, but it’s still a decent town. Compared to other schools I partied at back then, sometimes it was nice to not be in bar packed full of freshman dancing to some stupid shit. You know, it was actually nice to sit at the bar with friends and have a good time. Not sure what kind of parties you’re accustommed to, but our frat and off-campus parties got the job done. It’s all what you make of it. Only jackasses like you two judge how fun a school is by how big their parties are.
@patricks banks & Johnny D: Being in a frat doesn’t automatically make you a douchebag. Sure, there are plenty, but at schools with a high percentage of students in Greek organizations, all it amounts to is more partying at the frat houses and off-campus houses instead of going to bars.
Jesus Christ, did this post got linked on ipaymoneytomakefriends.com or something? The frat boys are out in force to defend their kind.
the trick is to chat the the keg-keeper up…. i find that the more you kiss his ass and make him feel he’s responsible for how fun the party is, he’ll dole out the beer faster, no matter who you are. brahs have rather large egos and, luckily, are about as smart as high school freshmen. they should be treated as such. on another note, does it not amaze you how slow beer comes out of the tap? we put a man on the moon 40 years ago, and we can’t invent better keg-taping technology?
No one has congratulated Jack Kerowackoff for his George Carlin reference, so I will tip the hat.
@ doosh: IPD was probably just happy to have something to do, while also worrying that if they ran off any of the CU kids, their jobs might be eliminated.
@ Drew: Lofty hate. Sorry you didn’t get asked to pledge.
/realizes how many people who comment on this site were in FRATS
//leaves website
@otto & grimace… like you I tended bar in school… my personal hatred was the guy who’d bang his empty glass on the bar whike waiting for a refill like that would get me there quicker or something. Fuck that you can wait for your damn can of bud lite while I serve the people who’ll actually tip me. Or flash me.
@Otto and Grimace: That’s why I step up with a hundy and yell out ‘hey, I’m tired of listening to the monkey, let me talk to the organ grinder.’ That might also explain the ‘fresh glass’ the bartender always says he’ll be happy to provide.
Potsdam used to have a traditional “100 Keg Block Party”. It was 3 days of fucking madness. All the frats and sororities were involved and opened up. Of course all good things must come to an end. Believe the last one was in 92.
/God Im getting old !!
Waving money is a bitch move and, if you’re going to do it, at least have a larger denomination bill than a $10 in your hand if you’re looking for bartender attention.
Oh, PREACH.
Waving money at all was awful enough — “Here, barmonkey! Here boy!” — but nothing was more off-putting than the douchebag with the dollar bills.
What exactly was that move supposed to say? “Excuse me, barkeep, but my friend George Washington here would like a drink.” Sure thing, big spender. Right after I spitshine you a fresh glass.
PS, sorry bout the babies in popped collars comment Drew
I’m still in school and we still have kegs on campus, at the national fraternities too. Then again, it’s Jersey. And if anyone defines the term “Bro’s”, it’s the bro’s in Jersey.
Better alternative? Rugby team. We drink more, yet we play hard and work it off so we don’t look like fat babies wearing popped collars [though that's probably because we don't wear popped collars], and nobody’s coming to the rugby house looking for trouble [ie, upper deckers or pissing in various places]. Unless you have a death wish.
Have to agree with Big G. Bucknell only has 1 good party week during the year. The last week they call “house party week” which is just like your typical Thursday – Sunday at every other college in America.
@ Otto: I’m about a day late on this one (fuck work), but I too tended real bar during college and 100% appreciate where you’re coming from.
The other people I liked to ignore were the ignorant fuckers who thought that just because they had 5 singles in their hand and waved them at me every time I passed by meant I had to get them a drink immediately. Waving money is a bitch move and, if you’re going to do it, at least have a larger denomination bill than a $10 in your hand if you’re looking for bartender attention.
Paying for friends? I disagree. Paying for pussy? Well, that’s another story…
jew city, rep
Whew, good thing about thirty former frat boys piped up to defend it, everyone was dying to hear about it from the other side
Bostonites would be horrified that you lump them in with yankees.
Apparently you have never been to Boston. It’s like a suburb of Tel Aviv.
@Rocco
Bucknell? Good ol’ Lewisburg, PA. Worst college town. Ever.
It is good to see that the bitterness and usual arguments on both sides never disappear or even change.
Personally I was in a fraternity and if I invited you into my house and didn’t charge (which was pretty much every open party for us) then shut up and wait. If you want free beer deal with it.
one thing I learned while bartending for my fraternity in college was that you always served the hot girls last. they are used to getting everything first (drinks, taxis, std’s) because they’re attractive, so when you don’t pay attention to them it makes them think that you think they’re not very attractive, thus giving you the upper hand.
I was never the one to pay for friends, but I was the one that would steal your keg if the keg tender was not around.
“No, Cuz, I am going to get it filled…… yeah, I know it just got tapped……Be back soon”
/never ever came back
Like not allowing blacks or Jews inside the front door?
Bostonites would be horrified that you lump them in with yankees.
I was in a fraternity in the south. Unlike you yankee pricks, apparently, we have a code of manners that we follow.
Like not allowing blacks or Jews inside the front door?
I think I had more issues with the guys working the door at frats than the kegtenders. Letting a chick get beer before me is one thing, but deciding who has to pay the 5 dollar at the door and who doesnt is a whole other story. My freshman year I met a girl named Jamie and she was very comfortable flashing people. We were good friends, partly because she didnt want to fuck me, so I used her to get in for free at parties as well as move up in line for drinks by going, “my friend here will flash you if you serve us first.” worked every time.
The last frat party that I went to in college (Sophomore year), I had to wait twenty minutes for a refill. I drank it. Then I lit their couch on fire. It was glorious.
Interestingly enough, I have friends that werent in a fraternity.
Wow, you’re such a humanitarian, mixing with the common people like that. Even though the common clay didn’t want to buy their way into a friendship with you and your frat bros, there you were, giving away the friendship for free? Man what a saint.
No Greek secret societies for me. I went to West Point. We do have our own secret handshake, however. It’s called a salute.
Did attend fraternity parties at an engineering school in Missouri, on occasion, where my actual bro went. Talk about a sausage fest. Even the military academies had a better ratio. But those boys could drink. One St. Pat’s weekend, 34 kegs. That may be standard, but I was impressed. 1994. Rolla, MO. I won’t call out the frat, cuz apparently that’s verboten.
Yes, it was Natty Lite (drinkable only when ice cold). But they had permanent taps and no foam.
~still very glad I went to a military academy and not a “real” school. Having a job is cool.
Fuck that. My school had a very limited bar scene, strictly for 21+, so the frat (short for fraternity) scene was huge. And our house’s $25,000 or so social budget each semester paid for all those parties and mixers, which were largely open parties. Yeah, it sucks to wait in line at someone else’s house, but hey, it’s their fucking house, they paid for the beer, and if you have any social skills, you make friends with a few brothers and get taken care of. I do agree that the gentlemanly thing to do is fill each cup without discrimination. But some people (frat brothers or not) are just assholes.
Oh, and we had a 5 keg kegerator with the tap fed through a wall, and an actual bar counter to serve behind. Two brothers or pledges worked the tap. There was no surrounding the “kegtender”. And of course the other kegerators and private stashes were upstairs for brothers and their guests.
Also, I like the Schaefer reference. Our house would load up on 400 cases of Schaefer, American, Goebel, Golden Anniversary, Schlitz, etc. for House Party weekend.
*your* in the first line
@Drederick Tatum
you yankee pricks…we have a code of manners that we follow…northerners can get fucked. Youre the rudest people alive.
You’re argument is sound.
Using an abbreviation for an inanimate entity has nothing to do with manners.
You’re an idiot.
/Grew up in New England
//Has manners
///Also has common sense.
I was actually in college when the keg ban hit my school. So various parties went from being kegs of cheap beer to the brothers setting up bars. Jello shots, whiskey, Jager Bombs (of course) and all that fun stuff suddenly started getting served. Excellent move by the administration to curb the binge drinking.
Son of Spam and Cobra Commander, yes.
You just called it fraternity instead of frat out of respect for the tradition.
I was in a fraternity in the south. Unlike you yankee pricks, apparently, we have a code of manners that we follow. Its called “living in a society”. So, northerners can get fucked. Youre the rudest people alive.
Ill name drop. Delta Chi. I understand the problem with douchey fraternities. We had our share. Interestingly enough, I have friends that werent in a fraternity. So I see it from both sides. Basically, quit pissing and moaning, because no matter what you do, youre not going to be right with everyone. Get over it, get some beer, and get shitfaced.
SCHAEFER, Drew? Is this a fraternity part in the 1950s?
/Wondering who invited all these negros, and why everyone appears to be talking into their hands
going to a stoner school, i had a lot of run-ins with an even more detestable creature, the kegtender who was crazy high. he forgets he’s pouring and he’s telling stories or asking you deep questions. and you’re equally as likely to get the most perfectly poured beer in the history of the universe as you are to get a quarter-cup of foam. and chicks are avoiding this guy like the plague, so they aren’t having any fun. crazy high kegtender guy is creepy.
i dont know if this is true across the board, but at my tiny midwest liberal arts school kegs were forbidden in official frat houses, mostly for insurance reasons. if the house had the letters on it, no kegs. now if a few brothers all rented a place off-campus that was just a “party house” they could have as many kegs as i wanted. i worked at a liquor store and pre-rush it was heavy can buying (parties at the main house) post-rush was more keg buying (party at the party house)
what is this…jungle juice? you speak of? i thought it was called pink panty pull-down
Fuck Bronco Pumps.
I can’t believe so many people are so incredibly pissed about frat party beer service. It’s a party, not a restaurant…the bartender/keg guy has no obligation to serve you at all, let alone serve you before he serves his friends. If the place is packed (and that’s usually the case), then obviously people aren’t too concerned with the alcohol distribution. Either get drunk ahead of time, or wait your turn.
The greater retard is the one who believes pumping it every second increases the flow of precious inhebriants. LISTEN YOU PUSSY CURD IT JUST MAKES THE BEER FOAMY. YOU CAN’T FIT MORE LIQUID THROUGH A CONFINED SPACE, YOU URETHRA FINGERING FUCK.
Broverload.
I used to go to keg parties where we didn’t know a lot of people and I would walk up the keg and take over the pouring duties (it heps to be bigger than most people) so I could down a quick 6-8 beers before heading off to mingle. I would just go around the circle, no favorites, no stopping. It usually cleared up the logjam at the keg for a few miintues. Usually no more than 20-25 minutes tops.
/The only people who ever got pissy about it where the party hosts.
//I guess they didn’t like being upstaged at their own party.
///I was there for the girls and free beer, not to make brofriends
@Sex Cannon — Touche, I have plenty more knee-slappers if you’re interested.
All this beer talk is making me thirsty.
Drew’s just pissed cause he wasnt “brahs” with the kegtender. Cause if you were, he would be your hero.. Two sides to every pancake friend.
@DanzibarIsland – I feel the same way, frat is just an abbreviation. I don’t call my country a “cunt”, I call it “USA” or “America”, which are also abbreviated terms for it’s actual name. Ours also didn’t ever charge guests a cover save for the couple of school-mandated charity events that we weren’t allowed to serve at anyway.
I enjoyed manning the keg/tending bar, and I always tried to be sure nobody waited too long. I wasn’t exactly the greatest conversationalist when first meeting a member of the opposite sex, so it gave me somewhat of an icebreaker from that respect too.
@danzibarisland
I’ve been to some frat parties at Seton Hall(I live bout an hour down) and I agree with your assessment, always had a good time there.
ASU’s frats suck. on a side note, why must they make weed a felony yet have us right next to cali? WHY GOD DAMNIT WHY!
20+ years out of college – nice to see some things never changed
/never in a frat
// but drank their beer
///once pissed in a tub
////had no fear
@85, you can get more beer out of a keg than cans for the same amount of money. If you had a good tap system foam should never be a problem.
When I first got to school my frat had permanent taps, then we had to switch to “cold plate” taps only, and then cans.
However, going to school in Rhode Island where grain alcohol is legal had it’s advantages. Jungle Juice!
@SonofSpam I was in a frat and still call it that… It’s an abbreviation, big deal.
Although @therestofyouseguys seriously? What the fuck is up with the hate? No need to fuck with shit…
Also, I was in a National, we were allowed whatever we wanted. The only rule they enforced (Jersey law) was we had to install a FUCKING ridiculously expensive sprinkler system because some kid fell asleep smoking in a Seton Hall dorm and a bunch of kids died.
Our house was the only one on the row that never charged a cup fee/cover to anyone though. Some houses had free girls/guys pay things. We enjoyed having people over, partying, and getting trashed- the brothers fronted the bill for each keg, bottle, and the ingredients to the Jungle Juice.
My frat only did cans for parties, per Pitt regs. But I always thought it was better than kegs anyway. A guy working the bar can deal out 20 cans in the time it takes some shitty tap to put 3/4 of a Solo cup of foam onto of 2 oz. of Natty.
What the fuck is Schaefer? We had kegs of Red White and Blue (Pabst’s poorer drunken brother)… AND WE LIKED IT!
Cool story Brah.
Hurry up and fill my cup, pledge. Dude, my dad totally owns a dealership, he will hook you up brah.
/ preferred the term “drinking club” for the organization I was a member of
// drinking club finished 2nd-to-last nationally for Greek philanthropy and activities
/// drinking club is no longer in existence
What’s up with the “Oy!’s”?
Drew is still hoping they’ll cast Vinnie Jones to play him in “Kissing Suzy Kolber: The Movie.”
What’s up with the “Oy!’s”? (I had a hell of a time punctuating that sentence).
Are you yiddish? Australian? Is that some sort of brah speak I’m unfamiliar with? I was in a frat, damnit! Ain’t no motherfuckin brah speak I don’t know. I AM BROSEIDON, LORD OF THE BROCEAN.
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/bro_youre_a_god_among_bros
@Grimey
Yeah, while we were okay at serving people, it did seem that every asshole brother did want to be the DJ:
“Shut the fuck up Blake, these people want to dance. Fuck you! NO! I am NOT playing Thrice.”
I always hated the overzealous kegtender who thinks it’s necessary to pump the Bronco Tap furiously, then wonders why he’s pouring foam. And I don’t miss those goddamn Solo cups, either. If there’s any beer snobbery in me, it’s that I don’t like drinking beer out of a plastic vessel.
Ah Frats. Frats in Boston are pretty god damn gay, so I can’t say anything positive other then the fact that if there was a kegtender, he was usually a 5’7 130 lbs engineering major from India or something, so you could just knock him aside.
JAFO taps keg, fills his cup, and walks away. That’s how it’s done.
/Never went to college
//partied like I did
///fuck the greek system and it’s exclusivity.
Thank god down south we don’t say Brah, and our fraternity parties didn’t have kegs, cover charges, and bouncers?
That sounds like a gd bar to me. No thanks.
@petarded: No, but I am a champion frolfer.
/actually had an a cappella-singing, frolf-playing friend as an undergrad
//only went to Cornell because the Sports Guy told me not to go to Princeton
The keg-tender at Duke is the guy guarding the Zima
I can’t believe the guy who went to Cornell name-dropped his school
The Keg-tender at the Cross is the guy guarding the Twisted Tea.