For this week’s mock draft you’ll be selecting an indulgent food, beverage, or other consumable that you would want to make “healthy” through the power of magic. The first pick is a no-brainer, so I’ll just go ahead and take beer off of the board. Now I can be just like Bender, drinking all day and night without having to worry about my liver turning all cirrhosis-y. If I could just get somebody to weld me a shiny metal ass I’d be in business.
Make your pick(s) in the comment section, but remember to wait ten picks before selecting again. And let’s all try to not draft bacon over and over.
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Tic tacs
Your girlfriend’s smoking hot best friend. I’ve never met anything more consumable….
/going to hell
//doesn’t really mind
Mighty Taco chicken burritos. Think I’ll have two for lunch, actually. With a loganberry.
Doritos also still on the board? Yes please.
Three days late and chicken fingers are still on the board? Mine. The only thing keeping me alive between all the beer, wings, and chicken fingers I eat is Lopid.
“…indulgent food, beverage, or other consumable…”
“Gravity. Fire. Guns. Death. Unprotected sex. Sleep. WTF people.
@El Bandito Blancito: We’ve been over this. They are called wings. That’s it. Not Buffalo wings, not chicken wings, not hot wings. Just plain wings. You order them crispy and extra saucy, hot. By the bucket. With pitchers of cold beer.
sex without a condom
Dots flavored gumdrops
Cincinnati Chili (if I must be specific, Skyline).
WF
/likes Atlanta, but actually misses Cincinnati
//shows self out for admitting that
Oh, they went early. Would’ve been shocked otherwise.
No one took french fries???
Is jerkin’ it with a belt tied around your neck still on the board?
@ Granimal…someone did pick “E”. It’s called “ctrl+f”…use it.
My pick: KSK.com
Since everyone has been going with food, drugs, and diseases (and this draft is probably done) I’m going to pick again – WRIST CUTTING!
Emo kids healthiest demographic on the planet.
Scratch that last part..Plax would have to shoot every one of his body parts repeatedly just get to Rice’s level
Shooting yourself in the leg.
Plaxico Buress = Jerry Rice x 12
cocaine,cocaine,cocaine,and rape…….because DMT is not bad for you!
One final one before sleep takes hold…Riblets from Applebees. Of course sleep won’t take place with a bellyful of them delicious treats
Couldn’t go to sleep without nabbing METHANOL.
Late as usual, give me McDonalds Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuits.
The Luther Burger. Enough said.
Cheese curds. Because they’re the only food left.
10 hours late…..FUCK
Racism
Chocolate-covered meth cigarettes. Shout out to Colbert.
Kool Aid.
Because watermelon is good for you and fried chicken is taken.
Bonus points if we can make sure it doesn’t give us heartburn.
I hope Zantac isn’t bad for you. That shit has been a lifesaver for me since about the time I hit the 30-year-old mark. And now that all the stuff I like to eat and drink has been declared healthy by this draft, I’m going to need plenty of the cheaper generic-brand Zantac.
Jersey Shore Italian hoagie. Imported ham with cappicola, genoa salami, proscuitto, provalone, oil & vinegar, salt & pepper with a dusting of oregano.
Bonus points if we can make sure it doesn’t give us heartburn.
Autoerotic asphyxiation
In case I should be a bit more clear. “E”= ecstasy
I’m surprised no one picked “E”. Might ake nightime activities interesting. For my food pick, maple bars a/k/a Long Johns. A most wonderful doughnut.
Andrea McNutty’s snatch.
Andrea McNulty
OJ.
He used to be cool, but now he’ll kill you just for returning his ex-wife’s sunglasses to her house.
And maybe for sticking your dick in her ass. Maybe.
Dave and Busters waitresses
Food shaped like dicks.
“You know what kind of food is shaped like dicks? The best kind!”
Brats and beer at a ballgame or BBQ in the summer is one of the most heavenly ways of slowly killing yourself.
Throwing down a Primanti Brothers Sandwich from Pittsburgh. Fries, Cole Slaw, meat(s) all on a sandwich will kill you.
Damn peru internet wasnt workin good last night, so I just got my picks of Taco Bell and Primanti Bros. I’m happy
And finally…coconuts.
Wrapping it up:
1. Opium
2. Extremely loud music
3. Human growth hormone
4. Fugu
5. Coconut
So I’ll be sitting around built like Conan, stoned off my ass, rocking so hard my face melts off, eating handfuls of poisonous sushi and artery-clogging coconut treats. I guess I’d basically turn into Nathan Explosion. Good draft.
…that’s bad.
How about Frogurt? Still on the board, yes? With plenty of potassium benzoate toppings, please…
Alcohol in general.
Another long-suffering Vikings fan pick: anything from Leann Chin’s. It’s similar to Panda Express, but the quality of the ingredients is way better (though it’s probably just as unhealthy).
I blame the Irish for my liver and the Chinese for my stomach. No more railroad jobs for those assholes.
Ok El Bandito, as a fellow Vikings fan, I’ll take Juicy Lucy’s then.
Dear Rufus T. Firefly, I already drafted Ice Cream, which encapsulates all manner of blizzard, sundae or parfait.
For my last pick, I will take being a Vikings fan. I absolutely will die of a heart attack because of them within the next few years, and I wish that could live longer to see them never win a Super Bowl.
Power’s Gold Label Irish Breakfast Whiskey.
I’m taking Alcohol in general. There’s no rule that says it can’t be unspecific.
period blood.
Dairy Queen blizzard
Rice Krispy treats, preferably from Taylor’s in the Village.
Communion wine and wafers.
Jesus, just about everything I could have ever thought of to make you happy has been selected. I’ll take Calamari and just assume nobody has taken it.
Choco Tacos – Sleeper pick
Easy cheese (or any fake cheese spread). The bacon-flavored kind, to be specific. On Triscuits.
kit kats
/Peter King approves
Gnocchi, preferably with alfredo sauce.
Since whiskey and beer have been declared healthy, the reason I felt so shitty this morning can’t been blamed on Messers Jameson and Guinness. It was that greasy Chinese food I devoured last night. So I’ll pick The Kung Pao Chicken and Pu Pu Platter from Chin’s Kitchen.
@Animal Mother: Nah. The game wouldn’t be nearly as much fun if you weren’t killing yourself in the process.
Tap water. FTW.
Football.
After pop warner, high school, college, one season of arena ball and all those pick up games of tackle football, it would be nice to not have to live the rest of my life with the little nagging injuries from doing something I loved for free for all those years.
Biscuits and gravy. Fuck my high cholesterol.
Menthol cigarettes? Are you a chick or just gay?
Damn, late as shit.
I’ma go with Royal Farms Potato Wedge Fries.
/had some the other day for the first time in about a decade.
//body was like, “Dude. Fuck. You.”
Hash, preferably out of a hookah.
Boosh.
I think we need a separate draft for “activities” since this one is for “consumables” and I don’t think you can consume abortion, speeding, suicide bombing, etc.
For my pick, how about peanut butter? I loves me some pb&j, pb w/ bananas, pb w/ apples…y’all didn’t leave me many good options!
Fast Food in general?
mmmmmmm salts and fats good for you?
/your welcome
Halcyon. I took a half tablet half hour prior to dental surgery for wisdom teeth removal…man that was good stuff. I am now done.
I didn’t realize I did so many unhealthy things until I read this. Thanks, KSK!
Not sure if this is a violation of the rules, but fuck it: Vicodin. Only had it by perscription a fwe times in my life, but that is the best shit. Not too strong, not too weak, just right. And it made watching “The Fountain” for the first time an awesome experience.
I can’t believe it’s not off the board yet, but queso dip. I mean come on, it’s cheese…melted…on a chip. If it’s gone and I missed it, then put barbeque nachos in it’s place
White bread.
Getting chop blocked in the knees by Trent Green.
I can’t believe it’s still out there but FATBURGER FTW.
King Fat with chili (and/or bacon depending on how sedentary I want to be for the rest of the day), skinny fries and a chocolate shake? Fuck and yes.
Listening to Megan Fox speak
@ NothingCleverComestoMind: Really? Aw, man. Even the Dough Boy is trying to kill me.
Punching strippers