My mom was a contestant on two game shows back in the 1960’s. She was on “Jeopardy!”, in pre-Trebek era. She lost, and was given a full set of the Encyclopedia Americana as a parting gift.

I can’t think of a shittier parting gift. “Hey, here’s twenty volumes of a ghetto-ass encyclopedia. We couldn’t even afford Britannica. If you need a hand truck to carry all 40 tons of it home, our rental fee is $50.” I’m firmly of the belief that losing “Jeopardy!” contestants should get to keep whatever money they build up. That’s how “Wheel” does it. It’s the one thing they have over Trebek and company.

My mom was also on a show called “To Tell The Truth,” where a contestant was faced with three people, all claiming to be the same person, and had to figure out which one was telling the truth. My mom was one of the impostors. She did not fool the contestant. She received nothing. We don’t have video footage of either appearance she made. I’m not lying when I tell you I’d pay at least two grand to get my hands on a tape. Your loser ass is out there somewhere, ma.

My wife went to high school with Colleen from “Survivor.” Said she was a loser. She also went to college with Sam, the crazy asshole from the first season of “The Apprentice.” And that’s about the depth of my connections to the game show and reality show world. My aunt and her daughter applied to be on “The Amazing Race,” but they got turned down. Same with two of my old co-workers (they totally would have hooked up on the road if they had done it). I tried calling once to be a contestant on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” when it was new and popular. I never got through. This is a shame, as I grew up a poor Indian child and learned any number of useless but karmically important bits of information along the way.

Anyway, it’s your turn. This week, you’re drafting a game show or reality show on which you’d like to be a contestant. THE RULES: Pick one show at a time. Can be a show from any point in history, old or new. Keep in mind, you’re the contestant here. So that means if you pick “The Bachelor,” that means you’re one of the crazy bitches vying for the guy, not the guy. I have no interest in anything that’s hard or takes a long time. I just want money in relatively short order. So my pick is, GUHHH, Deal Or No Deal.

You have to be a real piece of plywood to win anything less than $50,000 on this show. Which is exactly what happens to most of the people who go on. Big bucks. No Howies.