THE BEN GOT HIS PENISSPOT IN A TIGHT SPOT
HALP!
HINES YOU GOTSTA HALP
Hines Ward: Carm down, carm down. What is happen, Rongrastname?
Ben Roethlisberger: CRAZY COWBOY LADY SAY THE BEN PUT HIS PENISSPOT WHERE IT SHOULDNA BEEN
Hines Ward: She is say you is commit the lape?
Hmm
Vvveeeeeeellllleeeeee selious
Ben Roethlisberger: BUT THE BEN DONE NOTHING BAD! HE IS PURE AS NEW CHOCO TACO FRESH OUT THE WRAPPER! SHE IS THE FIBBER! SHE IS THE FIBBER!
Hines: You is needing to lerax and make exprain what is -
Ben Roethlisberger: NOW THE BEN FANS ALL THINK BEN IS BAD BEN. THEY DON’T BELIEVE NOTHING I TELLS THEM. EVEN KIDS CHASE THE BEN AROUND AND SAY HE IS THE GIVER OF THE BAD TOUCH.
Hines: Foll stalter, you terr foll me what is happen on night with supellclazy cowboy woman. Make celtain you not reave out any detairs.
Ben Roethlisberger: OK. IT GO LIKE THIS:
THE BEN IS IN HOTEL TO STAY FOR OFFSEASON GOLF STUFF, RIGHT? THE TV IS DONE BROKE. CANNOT PLAY CALL OF DUTY. KINDA GOING LITTLE BIT CRAZY. I SEE HOTEL LADY. I SAY, “HEY HOTEL LADY. TV IS BROKE. MAKE UNBROKE MY TV ON THE PRONTO.”
SO SHE COME IN ROOM AND PLUG IT IN AND TV WORK AGAIN LIKE MAGIC. THE BEN START PLAYING CALL OF DUTY RIGHT AWAY. BUT I NOTICE COWBOY HOTEL LADY IS STILL IN ROOM, I THINK EXPECTING HER TIP. I SAY, “GO FOR IT, HELP YOURSELF” BECAUSE MY AWESOME VELCRO WALLET IS SITTING ON THE LAMPSTAND.
NOW I IS ONLY PAYING ATTENTION TO CALL OF DUTY BECAUSE I IS PLAYING WITH MAURICE TWO-NAMES, BUT ALL A-SUDDEN IT START GETTING MORE FUN THAN USUAL. IT FEELS VERY GOOD, LIKE THE BEN HAS 20 KILL STREAK, BUT THE BEN DOESN’T HAVE 20 KILL STREAK AT ALL. GOOD FEELING IS ACTUALLY COWBOY LADY WITH HER LIPS ON THE PENISSPOT.
THIS IS A SURPRISE TO THE BEN
Hines: Then what happen?
CALL OF DUTY GAME ENDS AND THERE IS A MINUTE UNTIL THE NEXT ONLINE MATCH LOADS SO I FIGURES I HAS TIME TO TAKE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. WE DO THAT, THE BEN’S PENISSPOT DUCKS OUT OF THE LADY POCKET JUST IN TIME, THEN SHE GOES TO BATHROOM TO CLEAN HERSELF OR SOMETHING. I GO BACK TO GAME.
LITTLE LATER, WHEN SHE LEAVE, SHE TELL ME TO CALL HER AGAIN. I SAID, “HARF HARF HARF, WHY SHOULD I CALL AGAIN? YOU ALREADY FIX TV”
THIS MAKES CRAZY COWBOY LADY TURN TO ANGRY CRAZY COWBOY LADY. I IS NOT SURE WHAT MAKING HER SO TICKED OFF. SHE FIXED TV, SHE BOARD EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. ALL GOOD STUFF. WHY THE ANGRY?
NOW ONE YEAR LATER SHE SAYING THE BEN PULLED A KOBE.
WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? FOR LOVE OF CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY AND HONEY COMBS CEREAL, YOU MUST TELL ME!
Hines: Thele no need to wolly, Rongrastname. Befole you come to Steerels, sevelar yeal in past, a simiral thing is happen to Jelome Bettis. Woman, she make stolee, say he make lape on hel. But we is too smalt foll hel.
It no take numbell one smaltest leceivel to see how to solve plobrem. Look at this, it say clazee cowboy woman farr in rove with fake miritaly man onrine. Arr we must do is make second fake solrdiel to sweep cowgilr off feet and she wirr terr him tluth, say stoly about Rongrastname is ugree, ugree rie. Then, viora, youl name is crean again.
Ben Roethlisberger: CAN WE CALL FAKE SOLIDER CAPTAIN BEN?
Hines: I am think I wirr be handring this.
Ben Roethlisberger: OH, OH – CORPORAL BEN? THAT IS MY RANK IN CALL OF DUTY! ALL MAKES SENSE!
Tags: about as plausible as her story, awful rapey, ben rongrastname, giving you what you want, hines wald is stirr me favolite steerel, rittle bit lacist, xmas ape
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Hines trying to say the word “military” is quite the roller coaster.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Nah, Kobe rapes white women’s asses no their vaginas. No doubt he’s a KSK reader who got tired of waiting for Vanessa to pony up.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I wish Ape had responded as BEN when WaPo canned you.
“WHY YOU NO MORE JOB ME? I MAKE PEOPLE HARF HARF WITH WORDS ON SEXBOX. I POST IN HINES SPEAK. I TAKE PICTURE WITH WORLD’S BIGGEST BIRD. ALL GOOD THINGS.”
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Thank you for giving me what I wanted.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
It’s the little details that I enjoy in your stories, like the velcro wallet. A lovely little artistic touch, there.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Ben Roethlisberger: CAN WE CALL FAKE SOLIDER CAPTAIN BEN?
Hines: I am think I wirr be handring this.
That is probably for the best.
Well done.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
well done…. vvveeeeeelllllllllleeeee werr done
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:51 pm
with the amount he plays, ud think Ben would be higher then a Corporal
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
The wait was killing me. A HUGE THANK YOU from Picksburgh, Ape.
/thinks Ben is Vvveeeeeeellllleeeeee guirty
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Rofty farse lape accusation. No smirre. Supel selious.
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Outstanding!
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I really hope Ben wrote in for further sextown advice in today’s mailbag.
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Dude, the broad seriously looks SO MUCH like a female Roethlisberger. I can’t get over it.
…also, I try really, really hard not to judge women who report sexual assault, but this whole story just reeks of opportunism. Ugh. If it’s the truth, then I’m sorry, Girl Ben… if it’s not, you’re making things SHITTY for actual victims of assault everywhere.
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Make Hines say Corporal please
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@fmrs: she-ben was my immediate reaction too. perhaps the ben thought he was practicing on a mirror.
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
@Brat: That is probably gonna wind up being Colpolral or something mutant like that.
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Out fucking standing. Really cheered me up before going in for an awful 12 hour shift at my mindless job.
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I think someone needs to fix the quotation bubble coming out of Hines mouth on the ESPN homepage right now…
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
critolis
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
How funny is
the pic that keeps on accompanying the Big Ben rape story?
“Express train to sextown! YES!!!”
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:38 pm
She is say you is commit the lape?
I don’t know why, but this sentence had me dying. When I say it with the Hines pigeon engrish, it is compretery hirarious.
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
@Young James: spot on man, that pic is like, YEAH, I DID IT!!!
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:52 pm
BEN
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
BEN CALL CRAZY COWBOY LADY UP TO ROOM TO PLAY CALL OF BOOTY.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I sure hope Ben is innocent. That way I can still enjoy his character as being a big, dumb, simpleton. Brilliant stuff.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
“CALL OF DUTY GAME ENDS AND THERE IS A MINUTE UNTIL THE NEXT ONLINE MATCH LOADS”
Isn’t that the worst?
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
So glad this took place, I kinda hoped it would.
The internets almost exploded when “Cowgilr” was introduced. I don’t think that’s physically possible to pronounce.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
What’s really scary is the kid that they produced.
http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/andrea_mcnulty#47439
On second thought, given the two of them. it’s better off without a face.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Even given the high level of bullshit associated with the charges, one would think that Ben would know better than to show up to the press conference where he was claiming his innocence looking like this whole thing caught him in the middle of a five-day cocaine binge.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I’m just easy: I thought carm down was great and then you took it to viora, youl name is crean again.
Blavo.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
At the vely reast Ben is guirty of having vely shitty taste in who he beds down.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:22 pm
‘THIS IS A SURPRISE TO THE BEN’
That’s where I pissed myself, right there! GOLD!
Oh, and it’s Colpolar (Corporal in Hines/Apespeak)
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
This was perfect… Thank you ape. Made my day.
The part about her plugging the tv back in was amazing, and ben saying “Why I need to call you again, you fix tv” is just priceless.
God by the way this bitch is so full of shit.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Man say what happens in Nevada, stay in Nevada?
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
None of it.
The whole damned situation sucks ass.
I only like these posts when it’s all in innocent fun. This topic is too awful too laugh at, all the way around. I hate that this is happening.
Ben looked broken-hearted at that press conference. Like he’d been up all night bawling. I know i would be if I got humiliated in front of the world for no good reason…..
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Yeah, her story is complete bullshit.
No way a woman ever fixed anything, let alone an entire TV set.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:53 pm
@Not Funny,
well I guess I know one little boy who isn’t getting a “40 lb. Box of Rape” for Christmas.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:00 pm
@futuremrsrickankiel: I too loathe women yelling RAPE when sex was consensual but didn’t turned out the way she planned, but the more I read about this … seriously, there are WAY easier ways to get money from an athlete than by claiming you got raped. Considering that every time a story like this comes out the vast majority are going OMG GOLD DIGGER SLUT WHORE and that she was doing pretty well for herself at Harrah’s the details make me wonder. Also it’s been reported in numerous places that Ben’s not the smoothest with the ladies and likes to abuse his celebrity, and why haven’t his high priced lawyers made a move to get this suit thrown out? I watched the press conference and the look on Ben’s face basically screamed I’M FUCKED I’M FUCKED I’M FUCKED.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
“MAKE UNBROKE MY TV ON THE PRONTO”
That is just all sorts of awesome….
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
“MAKE UNBROKE MY TV ON THE PRONTO.”
“BECAUSE MY AWESOME VELCRO WALLET”
“FOR LOVE OF CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY AND HONEY COMBS CEREAL”
Just fucking inspired. Cheers to you, good sir!
@Not Funny: Come on, get a grip. I love the hell out of our retarded quarterback and this post is fucking hysterical.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Just awesome. The little details are the best
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:57 pm
HEY WE ALL KNOW I DID IT. WHAT’S THE BIG DIEAL? I JUST WON THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:00 pm
I did the exact same thing and I went to jail.
How the fuck was it that Kobe didn’t? Hell, he raped a WHITE girl.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Just be glad there aren’t any criminal charges, Rapistberger.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Steelers do not commit crimes.
In fact, the Steelers never do anything wrong ever and are the best team ever in the history of everything.
We love sucking Steeler cock!
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:03 pm
@Trish
See what I saw during the presser was a look of: My life has now been ruined by a GOLD DIGGER SLUT WHORE!
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:09 pm
The guy who did Ben/Tyson/Kobe/ESPN comments isn’t a very good Steelers hater. He didn’t once suggest that the refs won the Super Bowl for them.
Step it up, guy.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:22 pm
And, yes, ESPN fellates the Steelers constantly. Which is exactly why they regurgitated a flimsy two-year-old HGH story with no new information the week of the AFC Championship Game. It was a token of their love.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:32 pm
I think Ben should be locked up for life.
Not because I think he’s guilty, but I’m just tired of seeing him pick apart the Browns’ secondary and since the Browns’ secondary isn’t going to improve anytime soon, alternate methods of Ben neutralization need to be used.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Wonder how deep Dan Rooney’s balls are in Disney/ESPN. Whether you believe the accuser or not you have to admit ESPN is acting sleazy by putting their head in the sand while and NFL quarterback is being accused of rape. Sure, it’s a civil suit right now but rape victims do funny things and no one knows how much proof she has.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:09 pm
BQC:
If it isn’t Ben it would be someone else picking apart that Cleveland Secondary. Seriously, those guys may be the worst in the league.
SKC:
Did you not see their coverage of the presser and the legal expert’s take on the case?
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:21 pm
SKC:
Nothing to do with the Rooneys. Everything to do with the NFL being the Corleone family of sports. (The NBA is the Tattaglias, by the way, and the NCAA is Hyman Roth, but that’s a different story.)
‘Sure, said the league rep to the ESPN President…you can go ahead with this story about the key wholesome white player on the new “America’s Team” in “America’s Sport,” the Teflon league which no scandal has truly been able to harm because most of the stupid shit that happens, happens to the kind of people you expect to do stupid shit. And maybe when the next TV contract is up, welcome to Monday Night Football on TNT.’
ESPN.com had “Romo dumps Jessica” on the front page. Oh, but this wasn’t news? Even I want to assume the retard is innocent, but c’mon…
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:25 pm
@fmrs: “critolis” Did you ever laugh so hard you shot milk out your nose? Ya, I did that, and I haven’t had milk in a week. Definitely +1.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:41 pm
How tall he is ? I saw many hot photos of him with some hot model on a tall dating site,seems he is famous there.
I forget the site name, but in all tall people places, only ___Tallloving COM___ is better, maybe he dates with models there.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Relax, Ape. It wasn’t rape. Even if every word that ugly bitch said is true, it isn’t rape. I know rape.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Hey, Ape: if Rapistberger can get the refs who handed them 2 Super Bowls for his jury he has nothing to worry about.
How’s that?
And maybe this isn’t about hating the Steelers but rather about hating rapists.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:14 pm
And maybe this isn’t about hating the Steelers but rather about hating rapists.
Then find a rapist to hate, rather than the victim of a money grabbing woman who refuses to file a criminal charge. A woman who claims to have been raped at Harrah’s, have the rape covered up by fellow Harrah’s employees and yet continued to work there until this day. Oh yeah, and she never told doctors or family members about this supposed sexual assault.
Stick with the referees stuff and maybe you’ll look slightly less pathetic.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Ape: you’re defending a possible rapist with uncreative, misogynistic, and ad hominem attacks against his accuser only because you are a fan of the football team he plays for. Who really looks pathetic?
Maybe you should stick with the replacing l’s with r’s and r’s with l’s routine.
BTW, I’m a big fan of your Hines Ward stuff.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:01 am
yo, ben/tyson/kobe et al.: he’s not defending. he’s satirizing. lighten up already. goddam.
normally, i have to talk to my 3 1/2 year old son to encounter such literal-mindedness.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:15 am
Actually, jujrok, if you read Ape’s last post you’ll see that he’s defending, not satirizing. Or perhaps you don’t know what “satirizing” means. It is a big word. Maybe you should ask your 3 1/2 year old son about it.
And, by the way, most of us are kidding around. We like Ape. He’s a funny guy. We wouldn’t be reading this if we didn’t think he was funny.
Sheesh… talk about literal-mindedness.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:00 am
They aren’t “uncreative, misogynistic, and ad hominem attacks” they’re legit weaknesses in her case. She didn’t report to doctors, she tries to pretend that fellow employees are withholding evidence against her, yet she continued to work at the same place she claims she was raped and coworkers conspired against her. Why? Can’t believe there’s much incentive if something like that actually went down. You’re obviously reaching against a team you dislike or else you wouldn’t be making multiple comments trying to liken Roethlisberger, without any convincing evidence, to Kobe and Mike Tyson.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Is he the guy who’s hooking up with hot models on ____Tallloving COM____ ? actually there’re lots sexy people there, Online chat, blogs, forums, flirtation and messages! Start an May-December romance just a click away! Whether for heat or passion, you are gonna be surprised what you might be end with!!LOL
July 24th, 2009 at 8:28 am
BTKE:
As a major asshole myself there is one rule you need to learn to live by my man: Sometimes you have to know when to shut the fuck up! Go ahead and keep pushing Ape’s buttons so that he gets so pissed we don’t get anymore of his outstanding work and see how happy all the KSK fans are with you.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:32 am
“They aren’t “uncreative, misogynistic, and ad hominem attacks” they’re legit weaknesses in her case. ”
Huh? The case hasn’t even been tried yet. Or maybe every Steelers fan had imaginary trials in their heads to match their imaginary images of Roethlisberger as a lovable oaf when in real life he comes off as a smug douchebag albeit he seems stupid also.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:38 am
No, the case has not been tried and, yes, Ben could have done it, but judging from the facts that are available, and I’m assuming the woman doesn’t have much evidence she’s leaving for the trial or else she might, y’know, file a criminal complaint rather than hope a jury will side with her in a he-said-she-said ordeal, I feel confident in saying her story sounds bogus.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:46 am
It is SO friggin hard to read Ben, Hines, Farvre….by the time I get 2/3 to the end I am absolutely disgusted at taxing my mind to try and interpret the phonetics.
Funny, but….goddam it is an effort. Maybe I should get high before reading these in the future.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:04 am
when in real life he comes off as a smug douchebag albeit he seems stupid also
Also, your counter to my argument about the case is that he’s a smug douchebag? I’m sure that’ll hold up in court. It’s clear you have no actual point and have no objective other than antagonizing fans of a team you dislike.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:12 am
It’s clear you have no actual point and have no objective other than antagonizing fans of a team you dislike.
But that’s your routine!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:20 am
When I do it, it’s cute.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:38 am
You had me at “AWESOME VELCRO WALLET”….well done, good sir. Well done.
And BTKE – you’re a cock.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Somehow Ray Lewis is involved. Oh wait! There wasn’t a knife involved.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:05 am
@ Tomlinson. Good point. I shall stop antagonizing Ape now. I guess deep down I was just hoping supel numbel one receivel would show up and put the smack down on me.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Hey, we all know Ben fucked that bitch.
The problem may be that Ben, like Mike Tyson and Kobe Bryant, was too stupid to know that she didn’t want to be fucked.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Police reports don’t matter. There was one against me when I murdered my wife and I was found innocent in a criminal trial, but liable in the lawsuit.
And how about those Duke Lacrosse boys? There was a criminal complaint against them but they were actually innocent.
Wait. Did I say I murdered my wife?
July 24th, 2009 at 11:12 am
D’OH!
July 24th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Fucking funny stuff. On second thought, how scary would Andrea McNulty look with mouth-eyes?
July 24th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Bad situation all around. It’s kind of easy to forget when we follow this blog that the athletes aren’t as much fun in real life as they are on the site.
Don’t worry, Ape. Even if the guy does assault women he’s still your QB. I’ve had to root for a team that has Jerramy Stevens, after all. At least he hasn’t killed anyone. You can always lord that over the Ravens fans.
July 25th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
the punishment for fake rape allegations????
REAL RAPE!!!!! BIG STUTTERING BOOYAHH!!!!!!