Firstly let me say that I incorrectly assumed that this show was a half hour. I’ve made a huge mistake. Continue after the jump for highlights of some of the most worthless television programming I’ve ever seen.

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Tonight marks the debut of VH1′s The T.O. Show, which promises to offer a more intimate look at Terrell Owens with the help of his co-stars Monique Jackson and Kita Williams. The two publicists share the unenviable task of trying to humanize the NFL’s preeminent diva as he searches for love, happiness, and a place to live in the vast wasteland that is Buffalo.

As much as I want to dismiss the show as more tripe from an obnoxious personality and an unwatchable network I maintain a slight sliver of hope that this could be worthwhile. How long it takes them to quash that hope is anyone’s guess.

Consider this an open-thread to discuss the episode. I’ll post my running commentary in the morning, assuming I don’t swallow a bottle of hydrocodone to numb my disappointment.

In other TO news, guess who has a new cereal? That’s right, now you can start your day with a big bowl of TO’s (“Flesh-Eating Bacteria In Every Box!”), the most generic Buffalo Bill endorsed cereal since Flutie Flakes!

Other programming note of interest: Tonight is the season finale of Spike TV’s 4th and Long hosted by Michael Irvin. I’d make a joke about being all excited to find which player will win the honor of being cut by the Cowboys after the second day of training camp, but Ufford beat me to it.

That is an interesting question.

As you might expect, I have given this matter a not insignificant amount of thought. So I do have a response for you. Allow me to unpack it a little, if I may.

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I dunno whut Coach Childruss wus luggin forr in mah throwin moshin. I throw guud! I bin throwin to dem hahh skewl boyz en they guud at kitchen bawls frum ol’ Brittfarr. Wun day cupple weeks ugo ol’ Brittfarr was throwin’ dem bawls wit da boys reel guud. An den ol’ Peedur Keng gon’ cummon down hear ulda tamm en be awl, [in falsetto voice] “Hey there, sexy Bretty. Wanna come punch that ticket to Canton, big boy?”

An den I gitoll embarsed an say, Nossir, Misser Keng, yew is uh perfesshunal jern-o-list, en yew just playin’ widdoll Brittfarr, aincha? But den he jus keepsonnit an he gon be all, “Now now, Bretty baby. Come back to the Mariott and you can stir my sugar.” But he ain’ talkin bout no shuggur. Unless yew talkin bout da shuggur dat an ol’ feller likesa keep in’is butt.

But ol’ Peeder gon make shur Brittfarr git inda Holla Fayma, so I hadta walkit on back too da Mariott. En yeah, ol’ Brittfarr took a big stir on da buttshuggur. Ol’ throwin’ motion dint feel so guud after dat.

An den I wint back to da feeled whure da boys wure, en onuddum ask whut ol’ Brittfarr wuz doin’. Now I din’t tellum bout stirrin dat buttshuggur. Das pri-vit. So ol’ Britt made uppa lil fib en said, Ol’ Brittfarr wuz pumping HGH. En dey ask wuz HGH? I sad I dunno. But den ol’ Britt found out dat da nixt day, da whole teem winnout en got dem sum HGH. Good thang I didn’t tellum bout the buttshuggur or ol’ Peeter woodna bin able to walk for three dadgum weeks.

Last week, in our intensive studies of mysterious Alaskan sea blob Peter King (scientists describe the blob as hairy!), we learned the story of Peter’s desperate race against time to keep his bowels from exploding in mid-air. It was a story rife with suspense and uselessness.

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Sexy Friday always comes up big, though sometimes it takes two spins. Read the rest of this entry »

My mom was a contestant on two game shows back in the 1960’s. She was on “Jeopardy!”, in pre-Trebek era. She lost, and was given a full set of the Encyclopedia Americana as a parting gift.

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And now for Part II of this week’s mailbag.  If you missed Part I, you can find it here.  Not that there’s any kind of essential sequence to these questions.

Anyway, plenty more wack jobs and head scratchers here, as the problems range from dating a woman who constantly lies to dating two girls at the same time to playing fantasy football with certifiable Down Syndrome cases.  We’ve even got the rarest and saddest of cases for the second straight half-mailbag: a Buccaneers fan.  Ouch!  Let’s all be amateur psychologists/Yahoo! “experts” after the jump.

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Holy crap.  Y’all got PROBLEMS.  We received about 4000 words of sex and fantasy football problems before I cut off submissions last night, in fact.  That’s a lot of problems, people.  We’re talkin’ “Jay-Z 99 problems PLUS bitch problems” kind of problems.  Jackson family problems.

And so, this week’s mailbag will come in two installments.  Some highlights of this one include the prospect of dating Muslim women, whether or not the girl you picked up is a hooker, and the preconceived notions that come with dating an older woman.  Fight stereotypes with me after the jump.

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We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, we present you with the weekly off-topic/offseason feature…

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