Do you think the Pope masturbates? I really don’t have any leaning one way or the other on the matter, but this is where I’m torn. First of all, dude is probably so powerful that he can get his knob slobbered on by just about anyone he wants (bad news for all the youngsters entering junior high in the Vatican). But then, wouldn’t he just be all, “Screw this, I’m the Pope, and I feel like giving the Kid Pope a coupla tugs.” I really don’t know how this would turn out, so if you happen to be a former Pope and could bring some insight to this debate, your correspondence would be appreciated. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s time to discuss football and sex. And once summer ends, you really shouldn’t be investing your time in anything else. There’s nothing better for the soul, and when either is performed well, one is inclined to scream wonderful things from the top of one’s lungs. It only seems appropriate that we pool our resources to be the best football watchers and significant others that we can be. As the flamboyantly profound MC Hammer once said, “Ring the bell, sucka. School’s back in.” Read the rest of this entry »

Things we should have addressed yesterday or possibly the day before. Firstly, this profile on Ricky Williams and his study of holistic medicine in the New York Times was fascinating.  As much as we enjoy a good “Ricky Williams smokes pot” joke, it’s cool to see an NFL star embrace a sense of individuality that runs counter to the stereotype.

Also, former Raiders center Barret Robbins finally explained why he missed playing in the Super Bowl: he was partying in Tijuana.  What a terrible waste.  That was the year there was a donkey show at halftime!

HALP!

HINES YOU GOTSTA HALP

Hines Ward: Carm down, carm down. What is happen, Rongrastname?

Ben Roethlisberger: CRAZY COWBOY LADY SAY THE BEN PUT HIS PENISSPOT WHERE IT SHOULDNA BEEN

Hines Ward: She is say you is commit the lape?

Hmm

Vvveeeeeeellllleeeeee selious

Ben Roethlisberger: BUT THE BEN DONE NOTHING BAD! HE IS PURE AS NEW CHOCO TACO FRESH OUT THE WRAPPER! SHE IS THE FIBBER! SHE IS THE FIBBER!

Hines: You is needing to lerax and make exprain what is -

Ben Roethlisberger: NOW THE BEN FANS ALL THINK BEN IS BAD BEN. THEY DON’T BELIEVE NOTHING I TELLS THEM. EVEN KIDS CHASE THE BEN AROUND AND SAY HE IS THE GIVER OF THE BAD TOUCH.

Hines: Foll stalter, you terr foll me what is happen on night with supellclazy cowboy woman. Make celtain you not reave out any detairs.

Ben Roethlisberger: OK. IT GO LIKE THIS:

THE BEN IS IN HOTEL TO STAY FOR OFFSEASON GOLF STUFF, RIGHT? THE TV IS DONE BROKE. CANNOT PLAY CALL OF DUTY. KINDA GOING LITTLE BIT CRAZY. I SEE HOTEL LADY. I SAY, “HEY HOTEL LADY. TV IS BROKE. MAKE UNBROKE MY TV ON THE PRONTO.”

SO SHE COME IN ROOM AND PLUG IT IN AND TV WORK AGAIN LIKE MAGIC. THE BEN START PLAYING CALL OF DUTY RIGHT AWAY. BUT I NOTICE COWBOY HOTEL LADY IS STILL IN ROOM, I THINK EXPECTING HER TIP. I SAY, “GO FOR IT, HELP YOURSELF” BECAUSE MY AWESOME VELCRO WALLET IS SITTING ON THE LAMPSTAND.

NOW I IS ONLY PAYING ATTENTION TO CALL OF DUTY BECAUSE I IS PLAYING WITH MAURICE TWO-NAMES, BUT ALL A-SUDDEN IT START GETTING MORE FUN THAN USUAL. IT FEELS VERY GOOD, LIKE THE BEN HAS 20 KILL STREAK, BUT THE BEN DOESN’T HAVE 20 KILL STREAK AT ALL. GOOD FEELING IS ACTUALLY COWBOY LADY WITH HER LIPS ON THE PENISSPOT.

THIS IS A SURPRISE TO THE BEN

Hines: Then what happen?

CALL OF DUTY GAME ENDS AND THERE IS A MINUTE UNTIL THE NEXT ONLINE MATCH LOADS SO I FIGURES I HAS TIME TO TAKE EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. WE DO THAT, THE BEN’S PENISSPOT DUCKS OUT OF THE LADY POCKET JUST IN TIME, THEN SHE GOES TO BATHROOM TO CLEAN HERSELF OR SOMETHING. I GO BACK TO GAME.

LITTLE LATER, WHEN SHE LEAVE, SHE TELL ME TO CALL HER AGAIN. I SAID, “HARF HARF HARF, WHY SHOULD I CALL AGAIN? YOU ALREADY FIX TV”

THIS MAKES CRAZY COWBOY LADY TURN TO ANGRY CRAZY COWBOY LADY. I IS NOT SURE WHAT MAKING HER SO TICKED OFF. SHE FIXED TV, SHE BOARD EXPRESS TRAIN TO SEXTOWN. ALL GOOD STUFF. WHY THE ANGRY?

NOW ONE YEAR LATER SHE SAYING THE BEN PULLED A KOBE.

WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? WHAT IS THE BEN TO DO!? FOR LOVE OF CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY AND HONEY COMBS CEREAL, YOU MUST TELL ME!

Hines: Thele no need to wolly, Rongrastname. Befole you come to Steerels, sevelar yeal in past, a simiral thing is happen to Jelome Bettis. Woman, she make stolee, say he make lape on hel. But we is too smalt foll hel.

It no take numbell one smaltest leceivel to see how to solve plobrem. Look at this, it say clazee cowboy woman farr in rove with fake miritaly man onrine. Arr we must do is make second fake solrdiel to sweep cowgilr off feet and she wirr terr him tluth, say stoly about Rongrastname is ugree, ugree rie. Then, viora, youl name is crean again.

Ben Roethlisberger: CAN WE CALL FAKE SOLIDER CAPTAIN BEN?

Hines: I am think I wirr be handring this.

Ben Roethlisberger: OH, OH – CORPORAL BEN? THAT IS MY RANK IN CALL OF DUTY! ALL MAKES SENSE!

Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Read the rest of this entry »

THIS WEEK IN READING PUNTE (TWIRP): I was fortunate enough to be tapped by Emil Steiner to contribute to The League, the NFL blog for a certain DC-area newspaper’s online presence. My first contribution to the blog can be read here; the piece is topped off with a headshot that’s been described as “rapey.”

Also this morning, I’ll be the guest du jour on On The DL. Dan Levy, Nick Tarnowski and run the gamut (gambit?) of nerdiness, seriousness, and the art of podcasting. It should be, as we say in the business, tits.

Do enjoy. And get your mailbag questions in before lunch. We won’t give away who’s doing the ‘sack this week, but expect generous portions of donkey penetration and Judith Light pining. Should be fun. For me, anyway.

We’re in the slowest stretch of the offseason now: the dreaded post-draft period. There’s no football on, and there won’t be football on for quite some time. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, we’re hateful too. Of all things, at all times. Hating is what we do best. So, in that spirit, we present you with the weekly off-topic/offseason feature…

Read the rest of this entry »

More Ragnar treachery to spur Drew’s bloodlust

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering T.J. Houshmandzadeh making a stink about being only the sixth highest rated receiver in the NFC in the new Madden, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC North, where if you’re not downing 8,000 calories a day, you’re dropping precious pounds.

Read the rest of this entry »

HAHAHA!  Get it?  Not Dolphins the AFC East rivals but dolphins the marine mammals!  LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!1

People, we need to band together and stop paying attention to T.O.  And by “band together” I mean “collectively raise $25,000,” and by “stop paying attention to T.O.” I mean “use that money to hire a professional to make it look like an accident.”  Because at this point I’d almost prefer a story about Favre.

…dying.  A story about Brett Favre dying.

BEN JUST ASK TO TASTE HER CHOCO TACO, HONEST! Ben Roethlisberger is being sued for sexual assault and/or defamation (depending on which Florio post you’re reading) by a Harrah’s employee in Nevada. However no charges have been filed and the quarterback’s lawyer has been quick to deny the claims. Quoth David Cornwell, “Ben has never sexually assaulted anyone; especially Andrea McNulty.” Yeah, Ben would never force himself on somebody, although if he did it wouldn’t be that bitch, am I right? That’s some solid lawyerin’, Corny.

Update: While ESPN remains quiet (conspiracy?) TMZ tells us that Ben’s accuser was “engaged” to a fictitious soldier, who in reality was the wife of the man she was sleeping with. Hoo boy, this is getting uncomfortable. Maybe ESPN staying quiet for the time being is a good thing.

Update II: Florio has the accusers story.