Henry Louis Gates: Oh, my! What a terrific luncheon! You can’t beat a delicious asparagus frittata AND a spirited discussion of Joe Christmas’ potential biracial identity crisis in “Light in August” with fellow Harvard scholars of international repute! A simply splendid affair. Now, to retire home and compose my letters.

(tries door, is locked)

Oh, dear.

(looks under welcome mat, which is a brilliant weave of green, yellow, and red)

Oh, my goodness.

(feels pockets)

Oh, you can’t be serious. Gates, how could you be so absent-minded! I don’t believe it. Here I am, a distinguished Harvard scholar, and I’ve gone and locked myself out! Talk about irony! Hmm. I wonder if the Worthingtons are home. I remember giving Prissy a key not but a year ago.

(knocks on neighbor’s door)

Oh, dear. Hmm. Well, you know, I always keep that side window open. Perhaps if I were to simply open it up and try shimmying through it, I could manage to get in without causing myself much inconvenience. Okay, Skippy. Time to show the world you’ve got that baller’s mentality!

(opens window, slides through)

Ah. There. Home at last. Well, I can assure you, I’ll never leave home without my WEB DuBois bottle opener keychain again!

(hears noise)

What is that noise?

(door flies open)

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It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time gushing over Jeff George’s Uncle Rico-esque comeback tape, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the AFC North, where you’re either running over pedestrians while drunk, getting slapped with rape allegations, ratting out your friends to escape murder charges, or playing for the Bengals and doing all of the above.

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Now that Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian have parted ways (nobody cheated!…unless they did) the NFL needs a fresh celebrity relationship worthy of tabloid attention. That’s why we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to create our own pairings out of thin air. Just like the publicists do it!

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When we last left gelatinous bullet point mangler Peter King, he was still on vacation. Ah, but now, at long last, our lofty hero is BACK! And if you don’t think he’s going to spend an inordinate amount of time this week telling you just how he spent those four weeks off, you don’t know Peter King’s flooded bowels half as well as I do.

Where has Peter been? What hotels did he get to stay in and complain about? Did he learn more about this bizarre slavery fad that happened in the 1800’s? How much spicy shrimp can one man eat? And where does Rich Fitter fit into all this? Read on…

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HarperCollins asked me to come up with a video to help promote my football-themed compendium of lazy dick jokery, so I came up with an idea that would best entertain me. Then someone suggested one that might actually be fun to watch and the results are above. If the potential use of a book as a humiliating projectile translates to sales, I’m in for mega tycoon wash for weeks and weeks.

UPDATE: Now with correct spelling!

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The life of a bonus baby quarterback does not suck. Well, at least until he arrives in Detroit. I guess it’s all downhill from there. In the meantime Stafford looks like he knows how to have a good time. Of course it’s easy to have a good time when you’re riding around on a boat with that blond in the middle. God damn. That poor girl to her right even looks like she’s checking herself out to see how poorly she stacks up to the competition. Hopefully she isn’t being too hard on herself. Continue after the jump for some bonus sexiness courtesy of everyone’s favorite Tumblr (NSFWish).

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[ photo: via ]

For this week’s mock draft you’ll be selecting an indulgent food, beverage, or other consumable that you would want to make “healthy” through the power of magic. The first pick is a no-brainer, so I’ll just go ahead and take beer off of the board. Now I can be just like Bender, drinking all day and night without having to worry about my liver turning all cirrhosis-y. If I could just get somebody to weld me a shiny metal ass I’d be in business.

Make your pick(s) in the comment section, but remember to wait ten picks before selecting again. And let’s all try to not draft bacon over and over.