titans-fan2

Titans Fan: It still doesn’t seem real. Even now, a few days after the fact. I just can’t fathom that the greatest player in Titans history is gone forever. It’s not fair. He was someone who gave so much to our team and to our town. For him to be murdered in cold blood, to be taken away from us without warning, is something we’ll never get over. I’ve had a few friends ask me what Steve McNair meant to Nashville. And I tell them, think of what Brett Favre means to Green Bay. Think of what Ted Williams means to Boston. Think about what Mario Lemieux means to Pittsburgh. Even then, I’m not sure you really get a sense of just how strong the bond was between McNair and us. He gave us everything he had, and I only hope that we did the same in return for him.

(knock on door)

Hmm. That’s odd. I wasn’t expecting any visitors…

(door flies open)

Tommy: YOU FACK! HOW DAY-UH YOU TRY AND CAMPAY-UH YAR FACKIN’ HAHHHHTACHE TO OW-UHS!

Titans Fan: I’m just trying to process my grief.

Tommy: YOU CAN PRAWCESS MY FACKIN’ CAWK! No one cay-uhs about yar dahhkie quartahback! If it’s Tawmmy Brady playing in that Supah Bowl, Kevin Dyson gets in the end zone! Because he would have had ow-uh powahful chee-ahs behind him! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Titans Fan: Look, this isn’t about wins and losses.

Tommy: Good thing, becawse you people ahhh LOSAHS! Comparing yar dahhkie QB’s death to that of TEDDY FACKIN’ BALLGAME? YOU GOT SAM FACKIN’ NARVE, PONYSMOKAH! Last man to bat fackin’ .400. What kind of history does yar Mistah Far Holes have to beat that? No othah fanbase has had to grieve like THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL. You don’t know what it was like to lose Len Bias! THE WOUNDS AHH STILL FRESH!

Titans Fan: You weren’t even alive when he died.

Tommy: AND THAT’S THE GREATEST TRAGEDY OF AWL! You gawt to see yar… (snickers)… dahkie hero play! I AM LEFT TO JUST PICK UP THE PIECES! Don’t you evah fackin’ tawk about Lenny Bias again. TOO SOON! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! Nawt to mention Reggie Lewis’ hahhht attack! Sure, that dahkie nevah compay-uhed to Bird. BUT HE WAS OW-UH DAHHHKIE!

Titans Fan: I think I’d like you to leave.

Tommy: And what about when Larry fackin’ Bird dies? YOU CAN’T TELL ME I’M NOT DEVASTATED BY THAT IDEA!

Titans Fan: But he’s still alive.

Tommy: I AM GRIEVING IN ADVANCE! But you wouldn’t know anything about that, BECAUSE YOU AHHH NAWT A TRUE FAN! Pfft. You Titan faggots have been around far how long? Since 2005? YOU HAVE NO HISTORY! I’VE BEEN A PATS DIEHAHHHD SINCE AT LEAST 2001!

Titans Fan: The Titans have been around much longer than that.

Tommy: It doesn’t MATTAH! Where does yar faggot team play? Nashville? Fackin’ Awpry? NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT YAR SMAWLL MAHHHKET TEAM! Yar fackin’ Arena League dahkie quahtahback deserved what he gawt! He’ll nevah be as gutty as PAWL FACKIN PIERCE!

Titans Fan: I’m calling the police.

Tommy: Go ahead. They can’t even find your QB’s shootah! HAHAHAHAHA! Bawston PD woulda found the dahkie that did this in a hahhhhtbeat! And then threw him in the Chahhhles Rivah! Hey, I gawt a question far yah. Who shawt Steve McNay-uh?

Titans Fan: I don’t know.

Tommy: WHO FACKIN’ CAY-UHS? BAHAHA. That dahkie wasn’t even any good! He was overrated! The fackin’ Pats were clearly the best team in the league that yee-uh, despite they-ah 8-8 record. THAT’S AWN YOU, PETE CARROLL, YOU CALIFORNIA FAGGOT! Billy Belichick coaches that team, and we’re the champs! THAT’S A COLD HAHHHD FACT! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!

Titans Fan: Please leave.

Tommy: Okay, I’ll leave yar little faggot town. BUT YOU DON’T YOU TRY AND OVAHSHADOW OW-UH GRIEF AGAIN! Oh, Lenny. You could have been a stah! We would have loved you almost as much as one of ow-uh white playahs! I’ll nevah get ovah you! FACK YOU! YANKEES SACK!