Our Hearts Are Broken
Titans Fan: It still doesn’t seem real. Even now, a few days after the fact. I just can’t fathom that the greatest player in Titans history is gone forever. It’s not fair. He was someone who gave so much to our team and to our town. For him to be murdered in cold blood, to be taken away from us without warning, is something we’ll never get over. I’ve had a few friends ask me what Steve McNair meant to Nashville. And I tell them, think of what Brett Favre means to Green Bay. Think of what Ted Williams means to Boston. Think about what Mario Lemieux means to Pittsburgh. Even then, I’m not sure you really get a sense of just how strong the bond was between McNair and us. He gave us everything he had, and I only hope that we did the same in return for him.
(knock on door)
Hmm. That’s odd. I wasn’t expecting any visitors…
(door flies open)
Tommy: YOU FACK! HOW DAY-UH YOU TRY AND CAMPAY-UH YAR FACKIN’ HAHHHHTACHE TO OW-UHS!
Titans Fan: I’m just trying to process my grief.
Tommy: YOU CAN PRAWCESS MY FACKIN’ CAWK! No one cay-uhs about yar dahhkie quartahback! If it’s Tawmmy Brady playing in that Supah Bowl, Kevin Dyson gets in the end zone! Because he would have had ow-uh powahful chee-ahs behind him! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Titans Fan: Look, this isn’t about wins and losses.
Tommy: Good thing, becawse you people ahhh LOSAHS! Comparing yar dahhkie QB’s death to that of TEDDY FACKIN’ BALLGAME? YOU GOT SAM FACKIN’ NARVE, PONYSMOKAH! Last man to bat fackin’ .400. What kind of history does yar Mistah Far Holes have to beat that? No othah fanbase has had to grieve like THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL. You don’t know what it was like to lose Len Bias! THE WOUNDS AHH STILL FRESH!
Titans Fan: You weren’t even alive when he died.
Tommy: AND THAT’S THE GREATEST TRAGEDY OF AWL! You gawt to see yar… (snickers)… dahkie hero play! I AM LEFT TO JUST PICK UP THE PIECES! Don’t you evah fackin’ tawk about Lenny Bias again. TOO SOON! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! Nawt to mention Reggie Lewis’ hahhht attack! Sure, that dahkie nevah compay-uhed to Bird. BUT HE WAS OW-UH DAHHHKIE!
Titans Fan: I think I’d like you to leave.
Tommy: And what about when Larry fackin’ Bird dies? YOU CAN’T TELL ME I’M NOT DEVASTATED BY THAT IDEA!
Titans Fan: But he’s still alive.
Tommy: I AM GRIEVING IN ADVANCE! But you wouldn’t know anything about that, BECAUSE YOU AHHH NAWT A TRUE FAN! Pfft. You Titan faggots have been around far how long? Since 2005? YOU HAVE NO HISTORY! I’VE BEEN A PATS DIEHAHHHD SINCE AT LEAST 2001!
Titans Fan: The Titans have been around much longer than that.
Tommy: It doesn’t MATTAH! Where does yar faggot team play? Nashville? Fackin’ Awpry? NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT YAR SMAWLL MAHHHKET TEAM! Yar fackin’ Arena League dahkie quahtahback deserved what he gawt! He’ll nevah be as gutty as PAWL FACKIN PIERCE!
Titans Fan: I’m calling the police.
Tommy: Go ahead. They can’t even find your QB’s shootah! HAHAHAHAHA! Bawston PD woulda found the dahkie that did this in a hahhhhtbeat! And then threw him in the Chahhhles Rivah! Hey, I gawt a question far yah. Who shawt Steve McNay-uh?
Titans Fan: I don’t know.
Tommy: WHO FACKIN’ CAY-UHS? BAHAHA. That dahkie wasn’t even any good! He was overrated! The fackin’ Pats were clearly the best team in the league that yee-uh, despite they-ah 8-8 record. THAT’S AWN YOU, PETE CARROLL, YOU CALIFORNIA FAGGOT! Billy Belichick coaches that team, and we’re the champs! THAT’S A COLD HAHHHD FACT! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!
Titans Fan: Please leave.
Tommy: Okay, I’ll leave yar little faggot town. BUT YOU DON’T YOU TRY AND OVAHSHADOW OW-UH GRIEF AGAIN! Oh, Lenny. You could have been a stah! We would have loved you almost as much as one of ow-uh white playahs! I’ll nevah get ovah you! FACK YOU! YANKEES SACK!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Steve McNair, surprises after the jump
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July 8th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Tommy…wow..just…wow.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Fack you!! Quinzee is the birthplace of compassion!! Ow-ah sympahthies ahh greatah than yo-ah sympahthies!
July 8th, 2009 at 9:51 am
The most eagerly anticipated jump evah, and it didn’t disappoint. Outstanding.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Mistah Far Holes.
wasn’t sure i really read that at first. then it sunk in. then i laughed. quite lofty.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:55 am
I was really hoping The Big Lead would walk through that door after the jump.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:55 am
For a guy from Tennessee wearing a wrestling mask and shorts with stars across the crotch, that Titan’s fan was surprisingly refined and articulate
July 8th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Tawmmy. It’s about damn time.
July 8th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Boom, eulogized!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Rasheed Wallace is a Celtic legend! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I was kind of hoping for some Marmalard action after the jump because the lead-in was perfect. But this definitely didn’t disappoint.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:12 am
As if on cue …
/thought it might be Laser Face but not dissapointed.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Well fuck you in the mouth Plax for stealing my exact thoughts … magician!
July 8th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Bawston PD wouldn’t found the dahkie that did this in a hahhhhtbeat!
Nice and subtle BDD!! Well done.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Great yahoo article headline today.
“Oil Baron T. Boone Pickens scraps massive wind farm project.”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090707/ap_on_bi_ge/us_pickens_wind_energy
Sounds like a KSK headline.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:49 am
With the mention of McNair “giving us everything he had” I thought we were going to see that homo from Holy Cross after the jump.
That being said please don’t compare Steve McNair’s career to Ted Williams or Mario Lemieux ever again. They are clearly several leagues above McNair in terms of production and I’m sure quality of side piece.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Oh man. I was having a shitty morning, but this makes it all better. GRIEVING IN ADVANCE. Nice.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:53 am
JC Lips:
Maybe the Land Baron could buy those turbines and produce electricity with all the hot air coming out of his mouth at his next retirement presser.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Tawmmy would be beaten senseless in Nashville. They don’t care for you northern types down in God’s country.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Mistah Far Holes
Lofty. Truly lofty.
How have I missed Tawwmy.
July 8th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Can’t explain the anticipation when I saw (door flies open)… then the jump. Who’s it gonna be? Laserface? Crazy Jerry? Cutlerfucker? Big Choco Taco? Tommy and big Daddy Balls just made my day.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:01 am
EVERYONE KNOWS THIS! < NO ONE DENIES THIS!
July 8th, 2009 at 11:07 am
I too thought it was going to be Marmalard, but hearing from Tawwmmy was quite a pleasant surprise.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:07 am
I give this post 4 and a half twisted teas out of 5.
I took away 1/2 twisted tea due to the lack of details, such as what Boston team jersey Tommy was wearing and whether or not he was dipping Kodiak. However, I assume Tommy is always dipping Kodiak.
also, Tommy should have called Nashville, Trashville.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Fackin pickle sniffahs.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:19 am
“Tawmmy would be beaten senseless in Nashville. They don’t care for you northern types down in God’s country.”
Really, I must have been in a different Nashville b/c when I was there all I saw was a bunch of big pussies.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:20 am
also, Tommy should have called Nashville, Trashville.
Too subtle. Gashville?
July 8th, 2009 at 11:38 am
So will the Titans go all Sean Taylor in the first play of the first game and snap the ball with no quarterback?
July 8th, 2009 at 11:40 am
That being said please don’t compare Steve McNair’s career to Ted Williams or Mario Lemieux ever again. They are clearly several leagues above McNair in terms of production and I’m sure quality of side piece.
You are a gash.
July 8th, 2009 at 11:50 am
“You are a gash.”
That’s the best you’ve got?
July 8th, 2009 at 11:59 am
The persian bitch was indeed a filthy whore.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
lil TOO much homoeroticism…smells like taint and icy hot in here
No less than 10 of these guys who respond used their keyboard as the jizzer picker-upper
BDD, You need more readers to tell you you’re AWEsome? Try posting some pix of yourself stickin ur titTAY’s out and pursing your lips…it works for all the other vagisils
or try some daily affirmations…but make sure you speak into the pistol end
Ive got a hankerin’ desire 2 give u a 3 -punch combo (& 4 a hunka cheese)…and i ALWAYS save those 4 the lovely ladies (the punches not the cheese)
July 8th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
@El Bandito Blancito
yes. they essentially won’t have a qb cause vince young will e back there
July 8th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
That’s got to be the hottest Packer fan in existence. Not morbidly obese of suffering from the meat sweets, appears to have most, if not all, her teeth, and isn’t wearing a hat made of foam cheese. Flawless victory in Wisconsin.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Tommy, always a pleasure. Oink. Know why Packers don’t have Cheerleaders? ‘Cuz the only hot chicks in ‘Sconsin are from Illinois. Oink.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I was expecting a little marmalard… Not disapointed at all though.
July 8th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I fackin’ love Tommy
July 8th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Wow. At first, I thought “TOO SOON” but then Tawmmy’s utter insanity made it funny as hell. Too bad Nacho Libre up there didn’t take a baseball bat to his head though. That would have worked for me.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Wow, to be in the stands at a Titans-Packers game- that’s witnessing about 60,000 different manifestations of the Ultimate Retardation. It’s like Hinduism, but for drunken retards.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
“The Titans have been around much longer than that.”
Welp, if you want to get technical about it, the Titans have only been around for 2 years before 2001.
/smug
//douchebag
///shows self out
July 8th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Every time the (door flies open) I brace myself for the torrent of funny that’s about to hit.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
“Really, I must have been in a different Nashville b/c when I was there all I saw was a bunch of big pussies.”
WHY DONTCHA TRY PEDDLIN YA CRAPOLA ONNA STREETS AH DOAH-CHESTAH, DREW? WE’LL BUST YA FACKIN HEAD OPEN!!!
July 8th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
@El Bandito Blancito
It’s been working for the Vikings for all these years.
Oh wait…………..
July 8th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
“Wow, to be in the stands at a Titans-Packers game-”
My mind just ’sploded. I would go McNair on myself … Anyone? …
/Shows self out
July 8th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Surprising.
I would have thought Tawwmy would find himself at home below the Mason Dixon line, what, with his dip habit and being intolerant of other races.
July 8th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
“Mistah Far Holes”
wow. love it.
July 8th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I was expecting LaserFace as well after the jump. But Tawwmy pulled this one off great. Though everytime Tawmmy posts, I hear him say “watch me cradle” !!! Great job !!!
July 8th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
@ Animal Mother
“It’s been working for the Vikings for all these years.”
yeah, but…. no you are actually right.
/hopes Brittfar can save us.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
In all Fairness, TPT:
Steve McNair = Zero Championships
Ted Williams = Zero Championships
/sox fan’d
July 8th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I had no idea he meant that much to the city of Nashville. Very sad
July 8th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
(door flies open) makes my soul glad…
July 8th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
i’m still waiting for the obligatory Pacman plug.
July 8th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
“It’s like Hinduism, but for drunken retards.”
+1
July 8th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Took me a few minutes. Mistah Far Holes!! Plussssss-One!
July 9th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Three best words on KSK: (door flies open).
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
July 9th, 2009 at 1:54 am
awesome post. would read again.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Too soon.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:49 am
+1 Wooderson. Plus, the Cheatriots beat McNair his MVP year, so he might of won if they hadn’t been cheated. We’ll never know…
July 9th, 2009 at 10:50 am
might have, hahaha, i need some sleep
July 9th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Mistah Far Holes, Wow, just wow. I might change my fantasy team name to that this year.