It’s time to discuss football and sex. And once summer ends, you really shouldn’t be investing your time in anything else. There’s nothing better for the soul, and when either is performed well, one is inclined to scream wonderful things from the top of one’s lungs. It only seems appropriate that we pool our resources to be the best football watchers and significant others that we can be. As the flamboyantly profound MC Hammer once said, “Ring the bell, sucka. School’s back in.”

Sex First: I am attending my buddy’s wedding this weekend and was looking for some advice. I haven’t attended a wedding of any sort since i was in grade school, so i’m looking for as many tips as possible. We went to college together, but i’m not part of the wedding party, so i don’t have any obligations except to get drunk and make passes at the female contingent. I imagine since you guys would have a wealth of wedding dos and don’ts based on your own wedding experiences. I’m currently riding a dry spell so any advice to pick up drunk bridesmaids would be well appreciated.

Weddings are fertile grounds for hooking up: everyone’s dressed up, plenty of common topics for idle chatter, music in the air…and all the single women are depressed. Even the ones with boyfriends. But getting the actual face-to-face is the hardest part. So here’s some advice, in your requested do’s and don’t's form:

DO dress well. Iron your fucking shirt. But it’s too late to get a haircut. People at weddings with fresh haircuts are annoying. Don’t be that asshole.

DON’T abuse the cash bar. Curb your alcohol intake. I prefer mixing rum-and-diets with actual diets in alternating trips to the bar. I’m taking trips to the bar because EVERYONE IS AT THE FUCKING BAR. If you’re not talking to people in line–whether it’s with someone you find interesting, or with someone else so that someone interesting can listen in and perhaps interject–you are wasting your time.

DO scout out make-out spots beforehand. Closets and coat rooms obviously are good. Cars are not. Be leery of SUVs, even. But tagging along in the event of a random trip to CVS is always a strong play.

DON’T overcommit. But if someone great wanders up to you in the first half-hour, don’t feel pressured to turn her away. You’re not casting the next Tomb Raider movie. You’re trying to get your dick wet.

And if you want to be an asshole, you could buy the newly wed couple a nicer wedding gift and then brag about it in passing, go for it. Women like assholes for some reason. Look at Rihanna.

Football: I’m in a 10 team Auction League ($100 budget) and was wondering how high you would go for some second tier QB’s. I usually aim for bargains like McNabb or Hasselbeck, and i was wondering what QB’s this year could qualify for the $10-14 winning bid and produce excellent numbers in return?

Thanks,

Virgin Wedding Crasher

Hasselbeck is a great value option; dude never seems to get enough fantasy love. Schaub will be cheap (if he stays healthy, he’ll have a breakout year). Flacco and Pennington kinda scare me, but they’ll be cheap as well. I don’t recommend being too frugal at RB or QB in auction leagues. Good luck.

Football First,

I am a Browns fan (insert joke here).

Fuck the Browns.

2 part question -

In your opinion, does Mangini have a chance at turning the orginization around, or am I doomed to watch them lose till Randy Lerner sells the team?

Are we going to beat the Steelers at least before they win another Super Bowl?

Mangini was the Vapors of the NFL. The Browns make the Washington Nationals look poised and respectable as an organization. And I like the fact that Cleveland spends the money in free agency, but they’ve remained hopeless. Pittsburgh will probably sweep the division this year. If they can beat Baltimore three times last year after playing the toughest schedule in the league, there’s no hope for anyone.

Sex,

Every woman I’ve dated in the past few years has gone on to marry the next guy she dates. I am the living, breathing Good Luck Chuck (only women don’t know this so no sex).

I don’t know what the hell you just said.

I even introduced one of my ex girlfriends to her husband on Myspace. I forwarded his profile to her because I thought it was funny (he had a flaming bag on his head). They started chatting and next thing I know I’m dumped and she’s married.

What can I say: Chicks dig bags.

I’ve taken myself out of the dating scene for a year now because I just needed a break from all the heartache. In this time, I’ve looked at A LOT of porn. But now I’m ready to get back out there. The question is – How much porn is too much? I don’t think I look at too much (probably an hour a day) but I guess I wanted to get a feel for what you and the readers think. I’ve grown accustomed to my foot fetish and anal pics/videos and just don’t want to start dating someone and have them think I’m a weirdo. Or am I?

Horny in Ohio

If you have the mental wherewithal to actually time how much porn you look at, you have an issue. Instead of working out your frustrations in front of your monitor, put some pants on and start jogging outside. Because nobody wants to date a benevolent masturbator with a poor cardiovascular system. And get the fuck off MySpace. What are you, 19?

Dear Kooky Sex Krackers (see what I did there!),

Clever.

Football first. I know that there is a general hatred of Lee Evans for fantasy purposes. But with TO on the other side (in contrast to his former companions in Josh Reed, Peerless Price, Roscoe Parrish, among other sucktastic receivers), is he a viable option as a #2/3 receiver in a 10 team league? I end up drafting him every year, and usually regret it, and then I swear to myself that I won’t do it again the next year. Please tell me that this is the year that I wouldn’t be a fucking retard for spending a 7th/8th round pick on him. And also, after watching TO’s reality show, I’d like to smack both of his publicists with a frying pan. I’m guessing I’m not alone there.

That logic of a marquee player acquisition improving the stats of the guys around him is always solid. Don’t be the guy that judges players entirely on what they did the year before. This could be Evans’ year, but knowing his fantasy history, he might pop an MCL just to spite us all.

Now to the sex. I’ll start with some quick background info. I was with this girl a for few years, I was kind of an asshole, and she broke up with me. A short while later, she started dating one of my friends, which for obvious reasons, kind of pissed me off. Fast forward to now. About a month ago, she called me, seemingly just to patch things up and catch up. She’s still with that same guy, and I didn’t really think anything of her call. She then called me a few more times “just to talk.” So whatever, still not a big deal…until this past weekend when she sent me a photo of her cleavage with the words “we miss you.” She called me the next day and said she wanted to see me, which I can only assume means she wants to bang me.

That wasn’t exactly quick, but go on.

I really have no interest in getting back together with her (I was an asshole for a reason; because she’s fucking whiny/annoying, moreso than most girls. Plus, she’s pretty mediocre looking), and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way. She’s not really the whorish type, but it seems like she’s looking for some lovin. I don’t go after girls who have boyfriends, cause that shit is fucked up. But, I’m thinking I should make an exception in this case, considering the circumstances.

Your hate has made you powerful.

I haven’t gotten much action since we broke up, and I can get laid without really trying.

Uh-huh.

Plus, there are some things I would like to do during sex, that, you know, I couldn’t do when I actually cared what she thought about it afterward. Your thoughts?

Revenge fucks, seriously, are the best. There’s very little–pay attention here, ladies–there’s very little more satisfying to a man’s primitive instincts than an ex crawling back with the veritable “I fucked up” sign around her head. Such a woman becomes a beacon for emotional abuse. You can almost run over her with her own car without facing retribution (and not have to fill it back up with gas!)

And be sure to give plenty of attention to those breasts. They missed you.

Dear Goo Guzzlers,

Fantasy Football: I never bought into the “pick 2 RBs first” strategy (yes, I’m aware that has gone mostly by the wayside the last couple years.) In fact, every year I seem to pick a QB first… and I win or consistently finish in the top ~3 of our 12 team league (unless Tom Brady gets hurt, like the puffy labia lip he is…)

That’s usually a solid play when you’re picking late in the first round, especially when your league awards 6 points for passing touchdowns. You were saying…

I generally play by “choose the best available player at the time” rule, and steer it towards the positions that have holes (Priority: QB, RBs, WRs, etc.) My question is: Other than Purple Messiah or possibly Turner… can you convince me *not* to pick Tom or Peyton with my first pick? Even if Tom isn’t 100% and Peyton is starting on the downhill slope of his career… I *know* I’m going to get 300 yards and 2 TDs out of these guys minimum every single game, and then once every 4 games (or more, depending on how they are doing that year) they are going to single-handedly win your game for you.

This will probably be the last great year Pey-pey has to offer you. He still plays in a dome and still has lots of talent surrounding him, but he’s breaking in a new head coach, one that kinda irritates me for a lot of reasons, and that’s typically the first rung of falling down the ladder. As for Brady, he’s not first-round value this year. Be happy if he’s gone before you pick second, because that person didn’t do his homework.

What other players are that consistent that you can guarantee they are worth a higher pick? RBs have a tendency these days to run by committee anyway, so I just pay attention after the first week and pick up free agents to fill in any particularly weak holes in my RB or WR slots. It seems to me that paying attention to the free agent list the first couple weeks of the season is way more important than picking a RB in the first round. Fastest clicker wins…

You’re right about the fastest-clicker thing; that’s why I typically endorse a waiver period after all games are played. It’s more fair, and more advantageous to the guy that has nothing better to do on Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon than the guy that stays up all night prowling the wire. Save your higher picks for QBs, two or three RBs, and one WR. Don’t burn an early pick on a second wideout. You’d just be guessing at that point.

More coming in Part II.