Ole’! It’s A PUNTE Mailbag, Part I
It’s time to discuss football and sex. And once summer ends, you really shouldn’t be investing your time in anything else. There’s nothing better for the soul, and when either is performed well, one is inclined to scream wonderful things from the top of one’s lungs. It only seems appropriate that we pool our resources to be the best football watchers and significant others that we can be. As the flamboyantly profound MC Hammer once said, “Ring the bell, sucka. School’s back in.”
Sex First: I am attending my buddy’s wedding this weekend and was looking for some advice. I haven’t attended a wedding of any sort since i was in grade school, so i’m looking for as many tips as possible. We went to college together, but i’m not part of the wedding party, so i don’t have any obligations except to get drunk and make passes at the female contingent. I imagine since you guys would have a wealth of wedding dos and don’ts based on your own wedding experiences. I’m currently riding a dry spell so any advice to pick up drunk bridesmaids would be well appreciated.
Weddings are fertile grounds for hooking up: everyone’s dressed up, plenty of common topics for idle chatter, music in the air…and all the single women are depressed. Even the ones with boyfriends. But getting the actual face-to-face is the hardest part. So here’s some advice, in your requested do’s and don’t’s form:
DO dress well. Iron your fucking shirt. But it’s too late to get a haircut. People at weddings with fresh haircuts are annoying. Don’t be that asshole.
DON’T abuse the cash bar. Curb your alcohol intake. I prefer mixing rum-and-diets with actual diets in alternating trips to the bar. I’m taking trips to the bar because EVERYONE IS AT THE FUCKING BAR. If you’re not talking to people in line–whether it’s with someone you find interesting, or with someone else so that someone interesting can listen in and perhaps interject–you are wasting your time.
DO scout out make-out spots beforehand. Closets and coat rooms obviously are good. Cars are not. Be leery of SUVs, even. But tagging along in the event of a random trip to CVS is always a strong play.
DON’T overcommit. But if someone great wanders up to you in the first half-hour, don’t feel pressured to turn her away. You’re not casting the next Tomb Raider movie. You’re trying to get your dick wet.
And if you want to be an asshole, you could buy the newly wed couple a nicer wedding gift and then brag about it in passing, go for it. Women like assholes for some reason. Look at Rihanna.
Football: I’m in a 10 team Auction League ($100 budget) and was wondering how high you would go for some second tier QB’s. I usually aim for bargains like McNabb or Hasselbeck, and i was wondering what QB’s this year could qualify for the $10-14 winning bid and produce excellent numbers in return?
Thanks,
Virgin Wedding Crasher
Hasselbeck is a great value option; dude never seems to get enough fantasy love. Schaub will be cheap (if he stays healthy, he’ll have a breakout year). Flacco and Pennington kinda scare me, but they’ll be cheap as well. I don’t recommend being too frugal at RB or QB in auction leagues. Good luck.
Football First,
I am a Browns fan (insert joke here).
Fuck the Browns.
2 part question -
In your opinion, does Mangini have a chance at turning the orginization around, or am I doomed to watch them lose till Randy Lerner sells the team?
Are we going to beat the Steelers at least before they win another Super Bowl?
Mangini was the Vapors of the NFL. The Browns make the Washington Nationals look poised and respectable as an organization. And I like the fact that Cleveland spends the money in free agency, but they’ve remained hopeless. Pittsburgh will probably sweep the division this year. If they can beat Baltimore three times last year after playing the toughest schedule in the league, there’s no hope for anyone.
Sex,
Every woman I’ve dated in the past few years has gone on to marry the next guy she dates. I am the living, breathing Good Luck Chuck (only women don’t know this so no sex).
I don’t know what the hell you just said.
I even introduced one of my ex girlfriends to her husband on Myspace. I forwarded his profile to her because I thought it was funny (he had a flaming bag on his head). They started chatting and next thing I know I’m dumped and she’s married.
What can I say: Chicks dig bags.
I’ve taken myself out of the dating scene for a year now because I just needed a break from all the heartache. In this time, I’ve looked at A LOT of porn. But now I’m ready to get back out there. The question is – How much porn is too much? I don’t think I look at too much (probably an hour a day) but I guess I wanted to get a feel for what you and the readers think. I’ve grown accustomed to my foot fetish and anal pics/videos and just don’t want to start dating someone and have them think I’m a weirdo. Or am I?
Horny in Ohio
If you have the mental wherewithal to actually time how much porn you look at, you have an issue. Instead of working out your frustrations in front of your monitor, put some pants on and start jogging outside. Because nobody wants to date a benevolent masturbator with a poor cardiovascular system. And get the fuck off MySpace. What are you, 19?
Dear Kooky Sex Krackers (see what I did there!),
Clever.
Football first. I know that there is a general hatred of Lee Evans for fantasy purposes. But with TO on the other side (in contrast to his former companions in Josh Reed, Peerless Price, Roscoe Parrish, among other sucktastic receivers), is he a viable option as a #2/3 receiver in a 10 team league? I end up drafting him every year, and usually regret it, and then I swear to myself that I won’t do it again the next year. Please tell me that this is the year that I wouldn’t be a fucking retard for spending a 7th/8th round pick on him. And also, after watching TO’s reality show, I’d like to smack both of his publicists with a frying pan. I’m guessing I’m not alone there.
That logic of a marquee player acquisition improving the stats of the guys around him is always solid. Don’t be the guy that judges players entirely on what they did the year before. This could be Evans’ year, but knowing his fantasy history, he might pop an MCL just to spite us all.
Now to the sex. I’ll start with some quick background info. I was with this girl a for few years, I was kind of an asshole, and she broke up with me. A short while later, she started dating one of my friends, which for obvious reasons, kind of pissed me off. Fast forward to now. About a month ago, she called me, seemingly just to patch things up and catch up. She’s still with that same guy, and I didn’t really think anything of her call. She then called me a few more times “just to talk.” So whatever, still not a big deal…until this past weekend when she sent me a photo of her cleavage with the words “we miss you.” She called me the next day and said she wanted to see me, which I can only assume means she wants to bang me.
That wasn’t exactly quick, but go on.
I really have no interest in getting back together with her (I was an asshole for a reason; because she’s fucking whiny/annoying, moreso than most girls. Plus, she’s pretty mediocre looking), and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way. She’s not really the whorish type, but it seems like she’s looking for some lovin. I don’t go after girls who have boyfriends, cause that shit is fucked up. But, I’m thinking I should make an exception in this case, considering the circumstances.
Your hate has made you powerful.
I haven’t gotten much action since we broke up, and I can get laid without really trying.
Uh-huh.
Plus, there are some things I would like to do during sex, that, you know, I couldn’t do when I actually cared what she thought about it afterward. Your thoughts?
Revenge fucks, seriously, are the best. There’s very little–pay attention here, ladies–there’s very little more satisfying to a man’s primitive instincts than an ex crawling back with the veritable “I fucked up” sign around her head. Such a woman becomes a beacon for emotional abuse. You can almost run over her with her own car without facing retribution (and not have to fill it back up with gas!)
And be sure to give plenty of attention to those breasts. They missed you.
Dear Goo Guzzlers,
Fantasy Football: I never bought into the “pick 2 RBs first” strategy (yes, I’m aware that has gone mostly by the wayside the last couple years.) In fact, every year I seem to pick a QB first… and I win or consistently finish in the top ~3 of our 12 team league (unless Tom Brady gets hurt, like the puffy labia lip he is…)
That’s usually a solid play when you’re picking late in the first round, especially when your league awards 6 points for passing touchdowns. You were saying…
I generally play by “choose the best available player at the time” rule, and steer it towards the positions that have holes (Priority: QB, RBs, WRs, etc.) My question is: Other than Purple Messiah or possibly Turner… can you convince me *not* to pick Tom or Peyton with my first pick? Even if Tom isn’t 100% and Peyton is starting on the downhill slope of his career… I *know* I’m going to get 300 yards and 2 TDs out of these guys minimum every single game, and then once every 4 games (or more, depending on how they are doing that year) they are going to single-handedly win your game for you.
This will probably be the last great year Pey-pey has to offer you. He still plays in a dome and still has lots of talent surrounding him, but he’s breaking in a new head coach, one that kinda irritates me for a lot of reasons, and that’s typically the first rung of falling down the ladder. As for Brady, he’s not first-round value this year. Be happy if he’s gone before you pick second, because that person didn’t do his homework.
What other players are that consistent that you can guarantee they are worth a higher pick? RBs have a tendency these days to run by committee anyway, so I just pay attention after the first week and pick up free agents to fill in any particularly weak holes in my RB or WR slots. It seems to me that paying attention to the free agent list the first couple weeks of the season is way more important than picking a RB in the first round. Fastest clicker wins…
You’re right about the fastest-clicker thing; that’s why I typically endorse a waiver period after all games are played. It’s more fair, and more advantageous to the guy that has nothing better to do on Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon than the guy that stays up all night prowling the wire. Save your higher picks for QBs, two or three RBs, and one WR. Don’t burn an early pick on a second wideout. You’d just be guessing at that point.
More coming in Part II.
Tags: jeez punter that's just wrong, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, MMP
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm
I haven’t gotten much action since we broke up, and I can get laid without really trying.
I’ve read that three times and still can’t make sense of it.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Fourth time’s the charm — get laid with the ex without really trying. Got it.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Kinda tame sex questions for part one. However, lofty fantasy football advice.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Hour-a-day ‘bater can also get lucky without really trying.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
@ Otto Man
yes, that’s exactly what i meant.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
i was with you otto thanks for clarifying
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
where do you find the time to beat it for an hour a day? that’s rediculous
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
@ Otto
I had the same problem understanding that sentence.
I’m hoping the WaPo will see this and hire Punte as their new sex columnist.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Needs more freaks. Nobody want to know whether it was acceptable to fuck an ex-girlfriend’s dog or if it was okay to cum in a 13-year-old’s lotion this week?
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Jeez, Punter, that’s just…solid advice, actually.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Lee Evans has always sucked
He sucked last year
The year before that
He will suck again
T.O or not T.O
That aint a question
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:41 pm
That bull is feeling good. Like when you have 20 kill streak on Call of Duty.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:42 pm
this is fail http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ol52eu67isk
i’m not drafting him on my fantasy team
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I was expecting questions about spy cameras this week. Does KSK have a legal advisor?
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I’m hoping the WaPo will see this and hire Punte as their new sex columnist.
Sorry, but no one — not even Punte — can top the raw passion and deep experience with deviant fetishes that Charles Krauthammer brings to the WaPo each and every week.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Yeah well, I tried pretty much everything Puta said to the wedding dude. I was at my cousin’s wedding at a winery in California, so you would think there would be lots of good drinking and pussy mongering for me, right? The reason it all went wrong was that (a) The single ladies found out that (a) I was recently divorced (nothing freaks the women out more) and (b) I have 2 kids. I have a feeling I my status was ratted out by someone over there who was quite aware of my situation
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@adam
Yes, I have too much free time. But I’m looking at porn for an hour, not yankin for an hour. That would cause some serious chaffing. I used to work a lot more but since my profession is based on a booming economy, I’m stuck at home with no money.
@ punt
I haven’t been on Myspace in almost 2 years.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:53 pm
No mention of the broken law of laws, bro’s before ho’s? Revenge sex is required, bonus points if you take a dump on her and forward a pic to your ex-friend.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:55 pm
FIX YO’ FONTS! BOLD YO’ SHIT!
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Mangini was the Vapors of the NFL.
Is Mangini a compulsive masturbator? I’ve heard that “Turning Japanese” isn’t really about beating off.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
This mailbag advice is getting entirely too heartfelt and genuine. Soon men everywhere will be thoughtful, enlightened, and sexually forward-thinking and I’ll have no excuse for being a frigid bitch. BOO.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Wedding advice:
1. Learn to dance. But don’t dance for every fucking song.
2. Bring a cigar or something, and go outside to smoke. Young people and old timers with interesting stories will be out there. You will have conversation, feel like you part of a club, and then you may go back in and get drunk.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:08 pm
@consolingwords: I think you have the right to bash whomever ratted you out in the head with a five iron.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I’m hoping the WaPo will see this and hire Punte as their new sex columnist.
And get rid of Carolyn Hax? Who then will tell men that they’re always wrong?
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I especially enjoyed the sex advice on the last one.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Jeez, I love porn and all…but an hour a day is ridiculous. Too freaking much. Get a hobby so you can actually talk to girls about things other than anal beads.
/nttawwt
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Red-headed, ponytailed midget bullfighter getting ass fucked by the bull – Punte, you are the king.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
@ TurleyGirlie
The anal was a joke. And I have hobbies- biking, hiking, animal shelter work, video games, camping, bonfires, canoeing, music. I would love to find a girl, but where? The bars are full of sluts, done the dating site thing, and if you try and approach most women at grocery stores or gas stations it just comes off as creepy. Or maybe I just come off as creepy. I’m 32 and most women I meet have lots of baggage. I’m stumped.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
@hornyinohio – Since you’re an animal lover, go to a dog park. Bring your dog and tell women that you volunteer at an animal shelter and you’ll be in like Flynn.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Horny in Ohio,
This doesn’t always work for everyone – but I’ve found the referral business is the best business. Do you have any female friends who have friends that are in the same boat as you? You don’t have to date them – but meeting them for drinks and making a new friend could be the way to meet your new significant other.
I loathe the term “social networking” but in this instance – it’s what you would be doing. Being social and meeting people who are out there.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Well, leave ohio for one thing bud…
Secondly try something like getting a puppy and walk it through the park on a nice day. I’m sure you’ll find a cute girl to come up and pet it. Or in Ohio, at least a semi passable girl.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Every woman I’ve dated in the past few years has gone on to marry the next guy she dates. I am the living, breathing Good Luck Chuck
I’d say you’re the Buck Showalter of dating.
I haven’t gotten much action since we broke up, and I can get laid without really trying.
You also fail at coherent English. That said, revenge fucks are pretty cool. On the other hand, if she’s a whiny, annoying bint and not all that great looking, whydo you want to fuck her to begin with?
Also, Punte, that was solid wedding pick-up advice. Lofty advice.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Nobody want to know whether it was acceptable to … cum in a 13-year-old’s lotion this week?
That’s not a question. Since when has that NOT been acceptable? It’s the 21st fucking century!
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I would love to find a girl, but where? The bars are full of sluts
Sometimes the best advice is the advice you give yourself. Don’t worry about a girlfriend, you obviously need to get laid. This is why God made sluts. Kurt Warner told me so.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Yeah sluts are great. For one night. The last one I brought home smelled like taco bell after we started gettin busy. It was really weird. And after we finished, she said “man I want some Taco Bell.” Mystery solved.
But seriously, I’m 32 not 21. I don’t need to just get laid.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:40 pm
@ Horny – yeah – I was mostly joking, mmkay?
But, seriously, I know what you mean. I didn’t meet my hubby until 28, married at 30 and first kid at 32 – and I was definitely on the older side to be doing that. I went to bars ALL THE TIME (what can I say? I love to drink) but ended up meeting hubby at a Christmas party of a mutual friend. Then we went to bars ALL THE TIME together. :)
Also? Ask any girl you are slightly attracted to out on a date. When I met the hubby, I had been single for several months and then in a short period of time, I accepted about 3 random dates. He was one. Seems like when it rains, it pours. You just gotta get it to rain.
/Pacman joke
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Wedding pick ups can be tricky, especially if you’re not connected to the bride/groom in a meaningful way. Generally speaking, they fall into 3 categories:
1) Family wedding. Lots of old people, everyone related to everyone else, very few single women (because they’re all married). Strategy: get fucked up. You’re not getting laid.
2) Standard wedding. Good mix of the friends/family of the bride and groom. Fair amount of young people, and single women. Strategy: dance, drink, smoke cigars, be social. If given the opportunity, make a good toast, but only if you won’t fuck it up and you actually know the bride or groom.
3) Young wedding. No kids, not a lot of older family, lots of young people, a decent percentage of which are guaranteed to be single. Strategy: get fucked up, because everyone else will. It’s like a frat party with nicer clothes and (hopefully) fewer douchebags.
@FMRA – Your frigid bitchiness is welcome and supported here.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Your hate has made you powerful.
Just when I thought KSk couldn’t get any better, you make me blow my laughter load with a Star Wars reference. Well done. Well done.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
@ girlie
Thanks. It’s just been soooo long meeting the wrong ones I’m wondering where all the sane normal women are.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
A short while later, she started dating one of my friends, which for obvious reasons, kind of pissed me off. Fast forward to now.
So it is your friend’s GF? Ouch. Good thing you have wouldn’t dick over your friend.
I don’t go after girls who have boyfriends, cause that shit is fucked up. But, I’m thinking I should make an exception in this case, considering the circumstances.
Or not. Of course this isn’t some hottie that is worth killing for, but some average, plain, annoying, girl you were a dick to. Then again, in your own words, you were, “I was with this girl a for few years“. How precisely it took you so long to breakup with someone as bland and annoying as you describe is beyond me. Somehow I think your lying, and still have feelings for her.
I haven’t gotten much action since we broke up, and I can get laid without really trying.
I couldn’t tell if you were saying that you were the “man, and could get laid on a whim, or that this was guaranteed and thus you could get laid with minimal effort. I have the distinct feeling you’ve lied convincingly to yourself.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Your hate has made you powerful.
Embrace your inner Darth Vader and score the Revenge Lay with your ex-girlfriend. Your spirit can get redeemed by Ewoks and Yodas and shit later.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:30 pm
“I don’t know what his damn jammies looked like… they had Yodas and shit on them!”
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
@Otto
“Nobody sleeps naked in this house!”
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:37 pm
“I haven’t gotten much action since we broke up, and I can get laid without really trying.”
Wait, let me check it again. Nope, still does not make sense. I give up.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:40 pm
“Mind you don’t cut yourself, Mordecai.”
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:43 pm
RE HornyinOhio Says:
“The anal was a joke. And I have hobbies- biking, hiking, animal shelter work, video games, camping, bonfires, canoeing, music. I would love to find a girl, but where? The bars are full of sluts, done the dating site thing, and if you try and approach most women at grocery stores or gas stations it just comes off as creepy. Or maybe I just come off as creepy. I’m 32 and most women I meet have lots of baggage. I’m stumped.”
Women who want to date, not just fuck, kinda want someone (mutual friend or coworker) to “vet” potential dudes. Some people are happy to do this (refer a friend or coworker), others don’t wanna get burned (ie, “Hey, that guy you set me up with is a total dick, you said he was cool!”). If you have no coworkers or mutual friends to introduce you, dog park sounds like a reasonable semi-social place (ie, people are open to chats with strangers, as long as the stranger has a dog). Make sure the dog doesn’t try to hump anyone’s leg, that’s kind of a mood killer (or should be).
RE approaching women at grocery stores and gas stations: Yeah, that’s kinda creepy.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:45 pm
“Boy, yew got a panty on yo’ head!”
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Does these balloons blow up in funny shapes?
Only if’n you think round is funny.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:08 pm
“No, just circular.”
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:14 pm
“Why do you say you feel ‘trapped’ in a man’s body?”
“Well, sometimes I get them menstrual cramps real hard.”
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:30 pm
That was honestly the most boring mailbag I’ve ever read. What the fuck?!
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:11 pm
“Does the Pope wear a funny hat?”
“Yeah Glen, I guess it is kinda funny”.
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:15 pm
As far as the revenge fuck goes.. “Fuck her. Fuck her brains out!”
If you felt you got wronged by your former friend then revenge is a dish best served warm and damp, preferably with a condom on in this case.
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:19 pm
“That’s a Wayhomer”
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:21 pm
“Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a’ somethin’ went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, ‘Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?’ Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It’s a crazy world.”
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:25 pm
They oughta sell tickets
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:27 pm
“Eight hundred leaf-tables and no chairs? You can’t sell leaf-tables and no chairs. Chairs, you got a dinette set. No chairs, you got dick!”
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:31 pm
“I don’t know much, but I know people.”
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:34 pm
“Well, which is it, young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? Mean to say, if’n I freeze, I can’t rightly drop. And if’n I drop, I’m a-gonna be in motion.”
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:46 pm
“Y’hear that? We’re usin’ code names!”
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Can Gino and Otto carry on their date somewhere else?
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:15 pm
That’s not a “Raising Arizona” quote, Sham.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Jesus, Sham, way to fuck up the streak. Amateurs!
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm
“and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand”
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:35 pm
“DON’T abuse the cash bar. Curb your alcohol intake.’
solid advice, but if it looks like you are striking out all over the place and are going to go home empty handed, hit the open bar and hit it often.
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:44 pm
“DON’T abuse the cash bar. Curb your alcohol intake. ”
solid advice, but if you are striking out and it looks like you are going home alone hit the open bar often and hit it hard
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Punte, I apologize. That was awesome wedding advice (and the cigar addendum as well). I really liked the mixing up the drinks plan.
Also, don’t be afraid to lie through your teeth. You ain’t seeing these people again (most likely).
/only kidding.
//kinda
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:14 pm
“Such a woman becomes a beacon for emotional abuse. ”
I thought this said “bacon.”
/sheds bitter tear
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Cooool, I will upload this video to the tall dating site ___Tallloving com___ to share with those hot models and beautiful girls.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:56 pm
I just hate ruining it and being the 70th comment…
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Is this mailbag going to be like History of the World, Part 1.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Is this mailbag going to be like History of the World, Part 1.
“Don’t get saucy with me, Bernaise”
/burned a lot of Roman Red
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:11 pm
@broncos — Seriously, I’ve got literary blue balls. That Punte is such a tease.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:07 am
Maybe this is a test and they want us to continue on for our award winning insight, intellect and wit.
Maybe Punter just passed out.
I know! In keeping with the wedding thing, does anyone have an amusing or disturbing real life wedding story they would like to share?
Please. I just got home and my mind is in full mailbag mode. Let’s do this! Or else we will start doing Raising Arizona again.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:19 am
“Thems some might fine cereal flakes Missus McDonnough”.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:21 am
shit.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:50 am
Alright, I’m at my cousins wedding back in the early ’80’s. My best buddy, let’s call him Jersey Paulie, shows up and I haven’t seen him in years. We’re drinking and such. After an hour or two he axes me “do some lines?”. I respond, “OK”
We retreat to the nearest discreet location (mens room) and he produces a fine white crystaline substance that if one chooses they can ingest nasally.
- Back story: We are both very strait and are now grandfathers.
We come out of a single mens room stall and who should be standing there but the groom. My cousin. Who has been raised in backass, desert country Hinkley CA and has the brain capability of a freshly born veal calf.
In a very early 1980 disco groove I address my cousin “You don’t indulge, do you?”.
With a deer in the headlights look he says “NO!”
I reach across and scruff the top of my best friends head and say “It’s cool. We do”
Two weeks pass.
My brother gets a call from my aunt Jeffene, (I ain’t even lying) and she asks him “Is it true about yeah, right? and Jersey Paulie?” My brother who knows our 1982 predilection to substances says “Yeah it’s true. So what? I do it myself”.
Two weeks pass.
My Ma calls. And she axes my brother. “Is it true that Yeah, Right? and Jersey Paulie were doing gay things at Cousin — wedding?” He says, “What the fuck?” They were just doing lines!”
Ma says “Thank God! It’s only drugs!”
/true story
July 24th, 2009 at 1:58 am
I was thoroughly amused at hitting the refresh and seeing yeah, right carry on by himself. haha
Sorry, I ain’t been to a wedding yet.
/looking forward to desperate single girls as described by everyone I know and Drew’s penthouse column
July 24th, 2009 at 7:55 am
@Virgin Wedding Crasher
If the wedding is not in a city and the weather is nice, the move is to go outside for the hookup. Closets and coat rooms increase the odds of an awkward encounter and thus a forced break/stoppage in the action.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:28 am
@ CobraCommander – Amen brother. Lee Evans has been dead to me for years. I cross his name off the list before the draft even begins, just in case the alcohol starts to take effect too soon in the draft.
@ FMRA – “I’ll have no excuse for being a frigid bitch” If it helps, I never thought of you as frigid. But that court order to keep at least a 1,000 feet away from you was a bit excessive.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Damn it… you guys took my football question but cut off my sex question. The sex question was the one I really wanted answered!
July 24th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
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July 25th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Can you go back to the bold text for questions? This is too hard to read assholes.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
“Anybody I find bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat YAAAAHOOOOOO!”
July 26th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
“Your hate has made you powerful”
I love you guys.
July 27th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Ugh, weddings. I’m at that age (31) where anyone left getting married doesn’t have a lot of attractive, single friends they invite. Aside from an open bar, there’s not a lot to look forward to at these things. Then again, this town is filled with ugly people, and the good looking girls are either already married/have boyfriends, or they’re single moms.
/Someone talk some sense into me and tell me to move.
July 28th, 2009 at 10:39 am
worst wedding advice ever