sexy-muslim

Holy crap.  Y’all got PROBLEMS.  We received about 4000 words of sex and fantasy football problems before I cut off submissions last night, in fact.  That’s a lot of problems, people.  We’re talkin’ “Jay-Z 99 problems PLUS bitch problems” kind of problems.  Jackson family problems.

And so, this week’s mailbag will come in two installments.  Some highlights of this one include the prospect of dating Muslim women, whether or not the girl you picked up is a hooker, and the preconceived notions that come with dating an older woman.  Fight stereotypes with me after the jump.

Gentlemen,
I’ll start with football. For the past three seasons, my friends and I have been in a keeper league; this has always suited one member who is particularly indifferent to where he finishes as long as he has Dolemite Jenkins and Santana Moss on his team. We’re switching to a redraft format this year. Obviously, the question here is not whether it’s amoral to steal Portis from him just to make him cry–someone is going to do it, and without remorse. My question is: in a fantasy league of sixteen, assuming I draft ahead of him, will Portis’ production this season make for a solid first-round pick or should I just let the rabid Skins fan have him again?

Portis had 342 carries last year and turns 28 just before the season starts, so he’s below those dreaded “stay away!” thresholds of 400 carries and 30 years that almost guarantee injury.  And yeah, he tends to get banged up throughout the season, but he’s regarded as one of the league’s tougher running backs.  He’s still a first-round draft pick.

Now for sex. Nobody wants to read long, shitty diatribes, so I’ll try to compress it as best I can. I live with my friend, who is Muslim. He had a thing for a fellow Muslim lady, so he often brought her over to the house to fraternize. She spent so much time at our house that she and I became good friends. She then informed my friend and housemate that not only was she not interested in him, she had developed a crush on me. He relayed this news to me, and gave me his blessing to pursue this girl. I hesitated, not because I don’t think she’s pretty or cool, but because I wouldn’t know what was appropriate with a practicing Muslim. I am unmarried and sexually active; I just didn’t know how she wanted her crush on me to materialize. Yesterday, I received a text message from her that said simply, “I want you to fuck me stupid.”

Giggety.

Now, I know my friend gave me the green light, and I know she has made it explicitly clear that she is unopposed to premarital sex, but I still have to ask: Would I be violating some sort of trust if I go ahead and have sex with her?

No.

I don’t want to offend my friend and I certainly don’t want to venture into Islamic taboo. I’m probably going to do it, so if I do…is there any advice you can offer? Thanks.
Sincerely,
Nick

This may sound crazy, but Muslims in America live in the 21st century, just like you.  They are allowed to enjoy sex and watch Hollywood movies and even have citizenship in this country.  Crazy, right?

As for Islamic taboo, it depends on how faithfully she practices.  Islam forbids the consumption of alcohol, but then Catholicism forbids premarital sex, birth control, and — I presume — priests fucking altar boys.  It doesn’t mean everyone follows it to the letter of the law.  If she’s developed a friendship with you and wants to get fucked stupid by a  Judeo-Christian bum like yourself, then I wouldn’t worry too much about her hang-ups.  I’d probably shy away from Middle Eastern politics, though.

Ventriloquists of the vulva,
Football first: I have the last pick in my 10 team draft. We’re doing the draft early (weddings) and I’m thinking of grabbing a QB right away. I’m thinking Brees or Manning will be available. Should I do it or grab the best 2 RBs? I would hate getting stuck platooning 2 shitty QBs like Quinn and Favre. There is always a run on QBs in round 3.

I think that’s a reasonable approach. Go with Brees.  The Manning of 2009 is not the fantasy stud the Manning of 2005 was.  At this point I think Brady’s a better pick than Pey-Pey.  He leads the league in handsomeness!

Sex: I started dating an older woman about 7 weeks ago. I’m 24 and she is 35. The sex is great and I think I really like her. Actually, the sex is amazing. Nothing weird, anal a few times and some role play. I’ve always been drawn to older women, but usually 3-5 years older, not 11. My buddy came to visit me and met her. He thought it was cool that I was banging and older chick, but when I told him that we were pretty serious he laughed at me. Is it odd for me to want to date an older woman? I’m taking her to Milwaukee to meet my friends and grandparents (raised me since 14, mom died at 8, dad at 14, cancer/heart attack, I’m pretty normal). I told my grandpa, he’s cool with it, but he told me to lie to my grandma and say she’s 29. Why do people have a problem with this, but not when it’s the other way around?  We’re both normal people with normal jobs and lives. Why is society so shitty?
-Maxx (seriously)

Don’t sweat other people.  If it makes you happy, go with it.  However, it may be best to go ahead and lie to grandma.  WARNING UNFAIR GENERALIZATION AHEAD: With old people, it’s best to just tell them what they want to hear.  Their close-minded opinions aren’t going to change, and you’re better off not hearing their lectures about what’s right for you.

To Drew and the Crüe:
Football first: True or false. The Chiefs throwing $10m per at Cassell validates my theory that he will be nothing more than Scott Mitchell quality.

Wrong.  Cassell playing for the Chiefs is what will validate your theory that he will be nothing more than Scott Mitchell quality.

Sex: And this is more about the biological consequences of sex. I am 32, married and my wife has made her Marisa Tomei/My Cousin Vinnie announcement about her biological clock. The legitimate attempts at procreation are underway. However, I’m questioning my desire for a progeny.

This week, the ball and chain and I are on vacation with friends from college. One of couples has two children — a two-year-old and a six-month-old. We’re four days into the trip and I have reached my ceiling for crying, babbling and children invading my space. As it is, I’m in my bedroom writing this e-mail to escape the two-year-old’s meltdown over Sportscenter being on the TV and the mother’s use of SAT words to reason with the child (this is 60 percent of the overall problem). The happiest time in the house is when these two little terrorists go to bed. My wife loves it. I’m thinking about getting a vasectomy and not telling my wife. I stipulate a certain level of selfishness on my part. That said, my questions are:

1) Does one become more understanding of children when they have there [sic] own?
2) Are you more tolerant of your own screaming child(ren) than others?
3) Does the urge to not murder the children and/or their parents subside when one’s own children come along?

While I’m not letting this dictate our entire future, your opinions will influence and potentially lead to the end of my marriage. Thanks and if anyone can spare, please send some valiums to my vacation house.
–Ready to kill in Rehoboth Beach

Drew: You got married without knowing if you both wanted kids?  Dude.  DUDE.

You can’t get a vasectomy without telling her.  For one, it’s impossible not to notice you recovering from surgery for about a week.  Two, it’s shitty.

I enjoy having kids, but that’s because I wanted them.  I can’t predict how you’ll feel about your own.  They, of course, always piss you off at times.  At other times, they’re great.  But that’s such a fundamental problem in your marriage that you absolutely have to get counseling.  Leaving your fears and resentment unsaid will result in bad, bad things.  Far worse than if you openly admit your feelings.

Obviously, I speak from inexperience here.  I’m single and childless, but I’ve been on the path to not-single before, and I’ve got married friends with kids, plus I have a three-year-old niece I adore, and my sister is presently about 10 months pregnant.  So with that, I offer you these answers:

1) Yes.  It’s called empathy.
2) Yes.  You have to, otherwise you’d kill your own spawn.  That’s both illegal and counter to our biological programming to propagate the species.
3) Not necessarily.  Asshole parents will always be asshole parents, and their kids will inevitably become asshole kids.

Don’t get me wrong: kids are a pain in the ass.  Once you have them your awesome, selfish, care-free life is over, and you have to dedicate love and time and affection to a tiny human being who NEEDS YOU TO SURVIVE.  The trade-off is that you can teach them to hate the same things you hate, which is the richest reward life has to offer.

SEX: My friend and I were recently comparing our sexual resumes, and we realized we each had accomplished several milestones. He was the first to have a one night stand, phone sex, cum shot, and titty fucking.

Oh, so he was 19 and in college first?

And for a while he had the most notches on his belt. (A recent hot streak by me has us even). I was the first one to have sex, and the first to have it with an asian, a hispanic, and a black chick. Obviously, the next milestones are anal and threesome. Can you think of any other milestones or benchmark we are leaving out? It saddens me to think our competition might be coming to an end.

Yeah, “first one to own the complete DVD collection of Entourage.”

FANTASY: Is there a surprise QB we should be keeping an eye out? I’m looking for a guy who I can snag as a starter in a later round. And please don’t say Matt Schaub. I’ve been hurt before.

I’m not so sure Schaub will be available in a late round.  Dude’s gotten progressively better, he throws to one of top two or three receivers in the league, and he finished an injury-shortened 2008 with a QB rating of 92.7 in 11 games.  I sincerely doubt he’ll be available in the sixth round of a 12-team league with savvy owners.

Here are my picks for less-obvious later-round picks. (1) Matt Ryan. The training wheels come off this year, plus Tony Gonzalez  in the red zone.  I like it.  (2) Carson Palmer.  Yes, he lost Housh, but he’s still an excellent quarterback on a shitty team.  And shitty teams have to throw a lot.  (3) Matt Hasselbeck.  He claims to be healthy after two consecutive injury-riddled seasons (as does Deion Branch).  Add in Housh and the talented young John Carlson, and the veteran could bounce back to be a dependable starter.

Football first – 10 team league, 2 keepers per team (must be from different positions), league scoring is based on yards and td’s (not ppr) – who would you keep – Welkah or MBIII?

WELKAH was great to me during Brady’s record 2007 season, but I’d take Barber.

Sex – Wasted this past Saturday night, I ended up in a neighborhood hole in the wall bar with a couple friends. The place isn’t crowded and I noticed a reasonably attractive and sluttily dressed young woman eyeballing my group from across the bar. Since I’m wasted I have no problems approaching her and chatting her up. The night progresses, my friends and I are hanging with her getting our drink on… I don’t remember all the specifics but I remember one of my friends saying the girl was a whore (not as in slut, but as in the oldest profession). When we got up to leave I invited her to come with and she did. I drop my friends off then go to my place. She says she’s hungry and she cooks herself some eggs and eats a banana. She asks what I want to do… I say lets go to my bed… She obliges and in bed I start pulling at her draws [also known as "drawers' -KSK] and she says no she’s on her period…

The ladies in the comments will surely give you candid opinions here, but it’s my understanding that this is often a lady’s way of saying “I don’t want to have sex on the same night we drunkenly met.”  Dishonest, yes, but polite and tactful, so I find no fault with it.

At this point I would normally ask for some head… But I thought back to my friend saying she was a whore… And if I asked for that she might reply, “Yeah for $20″ or whatever the going rate for it would be… Since I was too scared to find out for sure that she was a whore I stirred around in bed for a few minutes then told her to get up and I drove her home (she asked to be dropped off in a residential part of town, not the streetwalking part or another bar somewhere). It was a very quiet ride home. So, in your unprofessional opinion, did I bring a whore into my house and let her eat my food?

Have you sustained a massive head injury?  Or are you merely retarded?

If geographic and demographic information will help answer the question, I live in Queens, NY, I’m white (and my friends from that night were too) and she was black.

Ah, merely retarded.  Thank you.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to state this explicitly, especially to someone who lives in a diverse city such as New York, but a couple things here: (1) Prostitutes can be any race in any city. (2) Unless you live in Vegas, very few women you encounter in America are prostitutes. (3) If that woman was alone with you in your bedroom and not only (a) refused sex but also (b) didn’t offer to perform any other sex act and also (c) didn’t drug you and rob you blind, she is the worst hooker in history.

FANTASY FOOTBALL: This will be my ninth season in a keeper league, and we are changing the rules. Until now we have had a standard set-up in which we have to give up a pick at the start of the draft for each player we keep, up to three. Now we have to give up a pick three rounds higher than the player was drafted in the previous year, theoretically dumping a lot more prime talent back into the draft each year and adding all new variables to the decision-making process.

So, I will be keeping Matt Forte, whom I took in the fifth round last year, at the bargain cost of a second rounder, the 17th overall. Which two should I keep out of these four, with their draft round cost in parens: DeSean Jackson (5th), Ted Ginn, Jr. (9th), Giants D (10th), and Eddie Royal (15th)?

Well, you’ve got nine more years of experience in a keeper league than I do, but I’d say Eddie Royal for sure.  I’d have to look at the rest of your roster to determine what your needs are, but the next one down the list would be either Jackson or the Giants D.  I’m not big on Ginn.

SEX: The first anniversary of my favorite stripper’s boobjob is coming up at the end of the month. What is the appropriate gift? The obvious answer would be “buy a long lapdance,” but she has invited me to her boobjob anniversary party, to be held at a bar. There is a longer story here, which includes the fact that I have gone out with this girl and plan to again, while other guys who can say the same thing will also be at this party. But I’m not looking for stripper relationship advice here, just trying to throw you a softball to consider what to get a girl whose silicon boobs are finally settling in.

What’s the traditional gift for the first anniversary?  Paper?  Hmmm.  I don’t know if that will work — you already give her that on a regular basis.

It seems to me that you might have some kind of genuine affection for this stripper, in which case, congratulations: your life is working out great.  Seeing as how this is a party celebrating the cosmetic surgery she rubs in your face for money, I’d probably hold off on a nice gift.  But you could still get her something sentimental, something that touches her whatever strippers have instead of hearts.  Maybe a card, though.  On the front it can have a black-and-white picture of puppy and a kitten snuggling, and then on the inside you could write, “I would kill those animals to nail you.”

Stay tuned for Part 2 of the mailbag.