Let’s Open Our Minds and Join the 21st Century, People: The KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag PART THE FIRST
Holy crap. Y’all got PROBLEMS. We received about 4000 words of sex and fantasy football problems before I cut off submissions last night, in fact. That’s a lot of problems, people. We’re talkin’ “Jay-Z 99 problems PLUS bitch problems” kind of problems. Jackson family problems.
And so, this week’s mailbag will come in two installments. Some highlights of this one include the prospect of dating Muslim women, whether or not the girl you picked up is a hooker, and the preconceived notions that come with dating an older woman. Fight stereotypes with me after the jump.
Gentlemen,
I’ll start with football. For the past three seasons, my friends and I have been in a keeper league; this has always suited one member who is particularly indifferent to where he finishes as long as he has Dolemite Jenkins and Santana Moss on his team. We’re switching to a redraft format this year. Obviously, the question here is not whether it’s amoral to steal Portis from him just to make him cry–someone is going to do it, and without remorse. My question is: in a fantasy league of sixteen, assuming I draft ahead of him, will Portis’ production this season make for a solid first-round pick or should I just let the rabid Skins fan have him again?
Portis had 342 carries last year and turns 28 just before the season starts, so he’s below those dreaded “stay away!” thresholds of 400 carries and 30 years that almost guarantee injury. And yeah, he tends to get banged up throughout the season, but he’s regarded as one of the league’s tougher running backs. He’s still a first-round draft pick.
Now for sex. Nobody wants to read long, shitty diatribes, so I’ll try to compress it as best I can. I live with my friend, who is Muslim. He had a thing for a fellow Muslim lady, so he often brought her over to the house to fraternize. She spent so much time at our house that she and I became good friends. She then informed my friend and housemate that not only was she not interested in him, she had developed a crush on me. He relayed this news to me, and gave me his blessing to pursue this girl. I hesitated, not because I don’t think she’s pretty or cool, but because I wouldn’t know what was appropriate with a practicing Muslim. I am unmarried and sexually active; I just didn’t know how she wanted her crush on me to materialize. Yesterday, I received a text message from her that said simply, “I want you to fuck me stupid.”
Giggety.
Now, I know my friend gave me the green light, and I know she has made it explicitly clear that she is unopposed to premarital sex, but I still have to ask: Would I be violating some sort of trust if I go ahead and have sex with her?
No.
I don’t want to offend my friend and I certainly don’t want to venture into Islamic taboo. I’m probably going to do it, so if I do…is there any advice you can offer? Thanks.
Sincerely,
Nick
This may sound crazy, but Muslims in America live in the 21st century, just like you. They are allowed to enjoy sex and watch Hollywood movies and even have citizenship in this country. Crazy, right?
As for Islamic taboo, it depends on how faithfully she practices. Islam forbids the consumption of alcohol, but then Catholicism forbids premarital sex, birth control, and — I presume — priests fucking altar boys. It doesn’t mean everyone follows it to the letter of the law. If she’s developed a friendship with you and wants to get fucked stupid by a Judeo-Christian bum like yourself, then I wouldn’t worry too much about her hang-ups. I’d probably shy away from Middle Eastern politics, though.
Ventriloquists of the vulva,
Football first: I have the last pick in my 10 team draft. We’re doing the draft early (weddings) and I’m thinking of grabbing a QB right away. I’m thinking Brees or Manning will be available. Should I do it or grab the best 2 RBs? I would hate getting stuck platooning 2 shitty QBs like Quinn and Favre. There is always a run on QBs in round 3.
I think that’s a reasonable approach. Go with Brees. The Manning of 2009 is not the fantasy stud the Manning of 2005 was. At this point I think Brady’s a better pick than Pey-Pey. He leads the league in handsomeness!
Sex: I started dating an older woman about 7 weeks ago. I’m 24 and she is 35. The sex is great and I think I really like her. Actually, the sex is amazing. Nothing weird, anal a few times and some role play. I’ve always been drawn to older women, but usually 3-5 years older, not 11. My buddy came to visit me and met her. He thought it was cool that I was banging and older chick, but when I told him that we were pretty serious he laughed at me. Is it odd for me to want to date an older woman? I’m taking her to Milwaukee to meet my friends and grandparents (raised me since 14, mom died at 8, dad at 14, cancer/heart attack, I’m pretty normal). I told my grandpa, he’s cool with it, but he told me to lie to my grandma and say she’s 29. Why do people have a problem with this, but not when it’s the other way around? We’re both normal people with normal jobs and lives. Why is society so shitty?
-Maxx (seriously)
Don’t sweat other people. If it makes you happy, go with it. However, it may be best to go ahead and lie to grandma. WARNING UNFAIR GENERALIZATION AHEAD: With old people, it’s best to just tell them what they want to hear. Their close-minded opinions aren’t going to change, and you’re better off not hearing their lectures about what’s right for you.
To Drew and the Crüe:
Football first: True or false. The Chiefs throwing $10m per at Cassell validates my theory that he will be nothing more than Scott Mitchell quality.
Wrong. Cassell playing for the Chiefs is what will validate your theory that he will be nothing more than Scott Mitchell quality.
Sex: And this is more about the biological consequences of sex. I am 32, married and my wife has made her Marisa Tomei/My Cousin Vinnie announcement about her biological clock. The legitimate attempts at procreation are underway. However, I’m questioning my desire for a progeny.
This week, the ball and chain and I are on vacation with friends from college. One of couples has two children — a two-year-old and a six-month-old. We’re four days into the trip and I have reached my ceiling for crying, babbling and children invading my space. As it is, I’m in my bedroom writing this e-mail to escape the two-year-old’s meltdown over Sportscenter being on the TV and the mother’s use of SAT words to reason with the child (this is 60 percent of the overall problem). The happiest time in the house is when these two little terrorists go to bed. My wife loves it. I’m thinking about getting a vasectomy and not telling my wife. I stipulate a certain level of selfishness on my part. That said, my questions are:
1) Does one become more understanding of children when they have there [sic] own?
2) Are you more tolerant of your own screaming child(ren) than others?
3) Does the urge to not murder the children and/or their parents subside when one’s own children come along?
While I’m not letting this dictate our entire future, your opinions will influence and potentially lead to the end of my marriage. Thanks and if anyone can spare, please send some valiums to my vacation house.
–Ready to kill in Rehoboth Beach
Drew: You got married without knowing if you both wanted kids? Dude. DUDE.
You can’t get a vasectomy without telling her. For one, it’s impossible not to notice you recovering from surgery for about a week. Two, it’s shitty.
I enjoy having kids, but that’s because I wanted them. I can’t predict how you’ll feel about your own. They, of course, always piss you off at times. At other times, they’re great. But that’s such a fundamental problem in your marriage that you absolutely have to get counseling. Leaving your fears and resentment unsaid will result in bad, bad things. Far worse than if you openly admit your feelings.
Obviously, I speak from inexperience here. I’m single and childless, but I’ve been on the path to not-single before, and I’ve got married friends with kids, plus I have a three-year-old niece I adore, and my sister is presently about 10 months pregnant. So with that, I offer you these answers:
1) Yes. It’s called empathy.
2) Yes. You have to, otherwise you’d kill your own spawn. That’s both illegal and counter to our biological programming to propagate the species.
3) Not necessarily. Asshole parents will always be asshole parents, and their kids will inevitably become asshole kids.
Don’t get me wrong: kids are a pain in the ass. Once you have them your awesome, selfish, care-free life is over, and you have to dedicate love and time and affection to a tiny human being who NEEDS YOU TO SURVIVE. The trade-off is that you can teach them to hate the same things you hate, which is the richest reward life has to offer.
SEX: My friend and I were recently comparing our sexual resumes, and we realized we each had accomplished several milestones. He was the first to have a one night stand, phone sex, cum shot, and titty fucking.
Oh, so he was 19 and in college first?
And for a while he had the most notches on his belt. (A recent hot streak by me has us even). I was the first one to have sex, and the first to have it with an asian, a hispanic, and a black chick. Obviously, the next milestones are anal and threesome. Can you think of any other milestones or benchmark we are leaving out? It saddens me to think our competition might be coming to an end.
Yeah, “first one to own the complete DVD collection of Entourage.”
FANTASY: Is there a surprise QB we should be keeping an eye out? I’m looking for a guy who I can snag as a starter in a later round. And please don’t say Matt Schaub. I’ve been hurt before.
I’m not so sure Schaub will be available in a late round. Dude’s gotten progressively better, he throws to one of top two or three receivers in the league, and he finished an injury-shortened 2008 with a QB rating of 92.7 in 11 games. I sincerely doubt he’ll be available in the sixth round of a 12-team league with savvy owners.
Here are my picks for less-obvious later-round picks. (1) Matt Ryan. The training wheels come off this year, plus Tony Gonzalez in the red zone. I like it. (2) Carson Palmer. Yes, he lost Housh, but he’s still an excellent quarterback on a shitty team. And shitty teams have to throw a lot. (3) Matt Hasselbeck. He claims to be healthy after two consecutive injury-riddled seasons (as does Deion Branch). Add in Housh and the talented young John Carlson, and the veteran could bounce back to be a dependable starter.
Football first – 10 team league, 2 keepers per team (must be from different positions), league scoring is based on yards and td’s (not ppr) – who would you keep – Welkah or MBIII?
WELKAH was great to me during Brady’s record 2007 season, but I’d take Barber.
Sex – Wasted this past Saturday night, I ended up in a neighborhood hole in the wall bar with a couple friends. The place isn’t crowded and I noticed a reasonably attractive and sluttily dressed young woman eyeballing my group from across the bar. Since I’m wasted I have no problems approaching her and chatting her up. The night progresses, my friends and I are hanging with her getting our drink on… I don’t remember all the specifics but I remember one of my friends saying the girl was a whore (not as in slut, but as in the oldest profession). When we got up to leave I invited her to come with and she did. I drop my friends off then go to my place. She says she’s hungry and she cooks herself some eggs and eats a banana. She asks what I want to do… I say lets go to my bed… She obliges and in bed I start pulling at her draws [also known as "drawers' -KSK] and she says no she’s on her period…
The ladies in the comments will surely give you candid opinions here, but it’s my understanding that this is often a lady’s way of saying “I don’t want to have sex on the same night we drunkenly met.” Dishonest, yes, but polite and tactful, so I find no fault with it.
At this point I would normally ask for some head… But I thought back to my friend saying she was a whore… And if I asked for that she might reply, “Yeah for $20″ or whatever the going rate for it would be… Since I was too scared to find out for sure that she was a whore I stirred around in bed for a few minutes then told her to get up and I drove her home (she asked to be dropped off in a residential part of town, not the streetwalking part or another bar somewhere). It was a very quiet ride home. So, in your unprofessional opinion, did I bring a whore into my house and let her eat my food?
Have you sustained a massive head injury? Or are you merely retarded?
If geographic and demographic information will help answer the question, I live in Queens, NY, I’m white (and my friends from that night were too) and she was black.
Ah, merely retarded. Thank you.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to state this explicitly, especially to someone who lives in a diverse city such as New York, but a couple things here: (1) Prostitutes can be any race in any city. (2) Unless you live in Vegas, very few women you encounter in America are prostitutes. (3) If that woman was alone with you in your bedroom and not only (a) refused sex but also (b) didn’t offer to perform any other sex act and also (c) didn’t drug you and rob you blind, she is the worst hooker in history.
FANTASY FOOTBALL: This will be my ninth season in a keeper league, and we are changing the rules. Until now we have had a standard set-up in which we have to give up a pick at the start of the draft for each player we keep, up to three. Now we have to give up a pick three rounds higher than the player was drafted in the previous year, theoretically dumping a lot more prime talent back into the draft each year and adding all new variables to the decision-making process.
So, I will be keeping Matt Forte, whom I took in the fifth round last year, at the bargain cost of a second rounder, the 17th overall. Which two should I keep out of these four, with their draft round cost in parens: DeSean Jackson (5th), Ted Ginn, Jr. (9th), Giants D (10th), and Eddie Royal (15th)?
Well, you’ve got nine more years of experience in a keeper league than I do, but I’d say Eddie Royal for sure. I’d have to look at the rest of your roster to determine what your needs are, but the next one down the list would be either Jackson or the Giants D. I’m not big on Ginn.
SEX: The first anniversary of my favorite stripper’s boobjob is coming up at the end of the month. What is the appropriate gift? The obvious answer would be “buy a long lapdance,” but she has invited me to her boobjob anniversary party, to be held at a bar. There is a longer story here, which includes the fact that I have gone out with this girl and plan to again, while other guys who can say the same thing will also be at this party. But I’m not looking for stripper relationship advice here, just trying to throw you a softball to consider what to get a girl whose silicon boobs are finally settling in.
What’s the traditional gift for the first anniversary? Paper? Hmmm. I don’t know if that will work — you already give her that on a regular basis.
It seems to me that you might have some kind of genuine affection for this stripper, in which case, congratulations: your life is working out great. Seeing as how this is a party celebrating the cosmetic surgery she rubs in your face for money, I’d probably hold off on a nice gift. But you could still get her something sentimental, something that touches her whatever strippers have instead of hearts. Maybe a card, though. On the front it can have a black-and-white picture of puppy and a kitten snuggling, and then on the inside you could write, “I would kill those animals to nail you.”
Stay tuned for Part 2 of the mailbag.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Huge fan of the boobjob anniversary answer. HUGE!
/Francessa’d
July 16th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
God I love the mailbag. Just when the first few emails remind me how shitty my run is with ladies lately, you finish up with a guy who is buying a present for a stripper he likes, and suddenly in comparison things are looking up for old gill.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
@Ready to kill,
Matt hit the nail on the head in his response. Raising a kid is the most frustrating thing and most rewarding thing I have done. There will be high and lows, but I’ve found there are more highs like when they fall asleep in your arms, call you daddy and say I love you.
@Nick, if you’re not Muslim just be sure this Muslim girl doesn’t have a crazy father or brother who believe in honor killings.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Cassell playing for the Chiefs is what will validate your theory that he will be nothing more than Scott Mitchell quality.
Why must you taunt me?
The tears! The tears just won’t stop!
July 16th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
@ Ready to kill in Rehoboth Beach
You can’t get a vasectomy even if you could hide the surgery. After a year of trying, she’ll probably make you go get a sperm count and when it reads “0″ this will happen: The doc will ask if you had a vasectomy. If you lie, everyone will know you are lying and if they don’t they’ll be sure to mention your count everytime someone asks her about kids. If you tell the truth, she’ll divorce you if you’re lucky or finish the job if you’re not.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
“it’s best to just tell them what they want to hear. Their close-minded opinions aren’t going to change, and you’re better off not hearing their lectures”
Something we all probably have trouble admitting is that this works for people of any age on both sides of any and all political subjects. People who disagree with me are closed-minded, dammit! I’m not, of course, though I’m never going to agree with those idiots on the other side! But anyway, faking agreement makes people like you and if you do it well they’ll give you things like money, sex and votes.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Pretty much what UU said. Others’ kids are annoying yard monkeys. Your kids are darlings. As CC noted, we’d be like lions and eat our young.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Yeah, the period thing is Woman for “Uh, no.”
Also, when you’re married, it’s called “my week’s vacation.”
July 16th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
There is a longer story here, which includes the fact that I have gone out with this girl and plan to again
Aside from being a current stripper (i.e. she makes money in creative ways), you seem to be infatuated with a woman who throws a party for her own boobs. You even acknowledge the fact that other guys who she’s dated (and slept with?) will also be at this party. I’d suggest save your money on the gift and look for a girl to date somewhere else.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
@ Nick: There shouldn’t be any hang-ups about getting freaky with a Muslim girl, in fact, I recommend it. The only problem is if you get to dating one another, then this comes up: Muslim women can ONLY marry Muslim men (while men can marry whoever the fuck they want). So if it looks at all like things are getting serious, run for the hills. Unless you of course are willing to convert, in which case, enjoy being pussywhipped.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Does the muslim woman bleach her asshole? That’s the crux of the biscuit.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
A stripper having boobjob anniversary party. I feel ashamed and dirty just reading about it.
And to the two guys who treat sex like a game of car ride bingo, just get it over with and sleep with each other. That’s got to be the last thing on your lists, right?
July 16th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Nick: You lucky bastard- I’ve been wanting to drop a load on a burka forever…
Maxx: Had a relationship with same age split at that same age so I understand the attraction. However, unless you are open to the idea of marrying this broad at some point; do not move in together or intertwine your lives, even if you leave fairly and justly she will immediately go nuts and feel that she wasted her last oportunity with you, you used her, etc. At some point you are going to feel like you have cheated yourself of the opportunity to be a grown man on your own (25-33) or so, the best single years of your life likely.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
To the guy with the question about wanting kids. I had the same feelings about having kids, until I slipped one past the goalie with my wife. If you love kids, it’s a no-brainer, if you don’t, then it is impossible to tell you what if feels like. It’s a shitload of work, and completely worth every second.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Others’ kids are annoying yard monkeys. Your kids are darlings.
Pretty much.
Listen, parenting is a pain in the ass. My wife and I haven’t been on a solo vacation in over two years, and we see movies in the theater about once every solstice. I now refer to getting up at 6am as “sleeping in,” and have more unknown stains on my clothes than an episode of CSI. And still, wouldn’t trade fatherhood for the fucking world.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
@Nick
Are you sure the text wasn’t
“I want you to fuck me, stupid”
July 16th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I want you to fuck me stupid
This probably should have been written: “I want you to fuck me, stupid.”
July 16th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
@Bull City Hustlin:
Obviously.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Wanted to toss this idea out there as it came out during a Sunday of dollar beers:
Most of us agree that rating women 1 to 10 thing is quite toolish. Partly based on Irving’s novel and a chat about my buddy Jon’s spherical girlfriend (that’s what happens when your dad takes you to get toothless blowjobs at 14), I came up wtih a new system: raw poundage.
So if a girl is super bad-ass then she might be a 40-pounder, as in, I’d be happy to be with this skirt in all senses even if she was 40 pounds over what I feel her ideal body weight would be. This figure could obviously change over time, I reckon things like marriage and giving birth to my seed would likely add pounds to her worth.
We’ve found it useful over the past week in discussing the potential qualities of current/prospective females.
Thoughts?
July 16th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
@ Ready to kill: As a proud father of two ( and planning for one more), allow me to echo what UpstateUnderdog and Matt already said, that kids are awesome, and give you far more than they take. One weekend with two annoying kids should not make you want to get a vasectomy; spend more time with other couples who have kids, and engage them, play with them, attempt to make them laugh. You will learn more about whether or not you want to father some of your own after you do this.
@ Queens Prostitute Guy: You are a racist, ignorant, retarded piece of shit. I hope you get pushed under the “R” train on your way back from drinking at whatever hipster douchebag bar you and your gay friends happen to frequent.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
@Ready to kill in Rehoboth Beach:
If you call your wife ‘the ball and chain’ and are not only clearly and hostilely on opposite sides of the kid fence and didn’t work that out during your relationship pre-marriage, I got two words for you: divorce. lawyer.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I have 3 kids and I still hate other people’s kids.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
And for a while he had the most notches on his belt. (A recent hot streak by me has us even). I was the first one to have sex, and the first to have it with an asian, a hispanic, and a black chick. Obviously, the next milestones are anal and threesome. Can you think of any other milestones or benchmark we are leaving out? It saddens me to think our competition might be coming to an end.
Yeah, “first one to own the complete DVD collection of Entourage.”
That one gets a big smirre. Possibly the best thing I’ve read in any of these mailbags. Bravo, Ufford
July 16th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I have no kids and think most parents are ignorant assholes, so I’d take it with a grain of salt. From what some of the more decent friends of mine with kids say, I agree with UU, Matt, etc. But Slothrop is dead on. Just go file for divorce now, before you involve a kid in it.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
But mine are great. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but the thing I am most proud of.
And when my youngest, a girl, looks up at me with her big blue eyes and says, “I want to snuggle with you, Mommy,” it’s the GREATEST feeling ever.
And you know what’s weird? I hated kids when I was younger (college age). They bored me to tears and aggravated the crap out of me. It changes when it’s your own.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
@contains_hot_liquid
I fear that our timing will serve to diminish our respective wittiness in the eyes of our peers.
Well damn.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Can we be honest with ourselves and admit that nobody reads the fantasy football section of the mailbag?
July 16th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
@Nick: You should have been tapping that Muslim chick rather than tapping out an email to KSK asking for permission to do so.
@Ready to kill in Rehoboth Beach: Curious, but did you and your wife get married in Vegas or something? You are not only NOT on the same reproductive page as your wife, but you are in a different book. This will not end well for you, my friend.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
@Turley – my friends without kids still don’t get it, and I have stopped trying to explain it. When my 3 year old daughter is crying and only wants her Daddy, it makes every missed game, chaotic vacation, and general loss of freedom worthwhile.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Nick: he gave you the green light, she gave you a Hulk-sized green light…it’s on you to drive through if you want.
Maxx: End of Round 1 means no stud RBs. So take the best QB and platoon RB. And enjoy the cougar lovin’. Be mindful though that at 30, she’ll be 41.
Ready: If you don’t want kids, you have to tell her. It can be a dealbreaker. And don’t let this one experience make your mind up — that sounds more like shitty parents.
Milestone: Cougar, MILF, GILF, Gay, Dog…hmm…just revisit the Tournament for ideas.
Whore: doesn’t sound like a whore…a whore wouldn’t have shut you down entirely (she’d have offered anal for $250).
Boob Job: Pay for her lipo? And keep Royal and the Giants D.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
It’s “boob job,” not “boobjob.” Two words.
And that stuff inside fake boobs is “silicone,” not “silicon.” Silicone contains silicon, but they’re not interchangeable. It’s like the difference between “tree” and “something made of wood.”
RE kids: Why would you go on a vacation with other people’s kids if you don’t have kids yourself? This was the wife’s idea, wasn’t it? Women do that shit, convince you to take a vacation with or help them babysit someone else’s kid(s), because they think it will be a “rehearsal” for when you have your own kids. This, of course, is bullshit. Putting up with other people’s kids – NOT THE SAME as putting up with your own. You can’t punish them the way you would your own kid when he/she starts acting like an asshole, and you know you won’t have to put up with him/her for very long. People are dumb. They think “I love all kids, so being around someone’s else’s spawn will tell me what kind of parent I’ll be.” NO, IT WON’T. You don’t love all kids. You should love your own. There’s the difference.
Don’t go on any more vacations with other people’s kids. Seriously. After you have kids, you won’t get much opportunity to get away from your own children, so why put up with kids on what’s supposed to be a relaxing getaway if you don’t have to? And man, “4 days in”? Two days with other people’s kids would be most people’s breaking point. If this was indeed the wife’s idea, she owes you. Something sexual, obviously.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I am always amazed at the distinctly different levels of sensitivity towards females in these mailbags.
To Maxx (seriously): I would suggest dating for long enough to determine if you want it to go further. But if you want it to go further and she wants it to go further and you can get together on issues that clearly Rehobeth BeachBoy hasn’t considered before marriage, then go for it. Also, its your life. And be as polite as you care to to family and friends. Then lie when the polite wears off. White lies were invented for old people. And others to numerous to count.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Ditto. That was good.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
@crazyjoe, amen to that. Also, awesome is when I get home from work and both my daughters come running to me with the biggest smiles on their faces yelling daddy. Sometimes it makes me sad knowing that this will not always be the case as they grow up so I cherish those more moments more than life it-self.
Bottom line is we can all say how great having kids are until we are blue in the face, but until you experience it yourself with your own kids or even a cherished niece or nephew you won’t be able to appreciate what most of us are talking about.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
To the kids dude. I know exactly where you felt. I had a family vacation with two fuckin nightmares, they were psycho and they were aged 7 and 10. Never stopped screaming and jumping on me and running around like terrors.
Theres even the chance you get lucky and develop an autistic child or one whos hyperactive and needs pills or some shit like that. Just dont have them! Dont get a vasectomy though, you gotta talk with the woman about that one.
@Muslim lover, yeah dude the majority of the muslims in America are well, americanized, and are much more liberal. They left sand land for a reason.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
@Joe Camel: spot on man. I could give two shits who somebody should take in round 13. It’s all about stripper boob jobs and racist retards in Queens for me.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
@ Upstate Underdog: She does have a brother, and though I don’t doubt he would protect his sister at all costs, I’m not particularly afraid of physical retribution from him. I’ve never met her father; he might be another story.
@ Old Gregg: I haven’t thought that far ahead.
@ putridstinkstar: This might be a sacrilege around here, but I simply don’t like anal. This isn’t a problem considering anal sex is extremely haram in Islam.
@ Bull City Hustlin and contains_hot_liquid: You’re probably right.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
If you agreed to vacation with children, when you don’t have any of your own, you need your mother fucking head checked, my friend. Seriously.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Amen, Lindsey. I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER vacation without my own kids, but with other people’s kids.
Vacations are for rest and relaxation. FUCK THAT.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
i’ll take your kids on a vacation
neverland?
July 16th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Nick:
So the bleaching is moot then.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I live in Rehoboth Beach. If you’re reticent about knocking up the wife, send her over.
You want a boy or girl?
July 16th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Hey Queens guy, you must be from Howard Beach. Douchebag
July 16th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
@CC – your comment about teaching kids to hate the same things you do is now my facebook quote. you should be proud.
in other news, fuck that clueless kid for giving Queens a bad name. You know how you usually spot a prostitute? she has sex with you and then demands money. this one didn’t have sex with you or demand money.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
To the dude who doesn’t want kids – Adam Carolla had a great podcast with Jules Asner the other day where he was talking about this very thing. He basically asked her why no kids, and she gave similar answers to your reasons for not wanting kids, and he gave a very good argument for how those reasons are mostly bullshit. You can get the podcast on iTunes, it’s worth a listen for more than listening to some comedian give you advice on having kids.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Thank you, KSK Mailbag inquirers, for reminding me on a weekly basis that I must never, ever break up with my boyfriend since he may very well be the only Y-chromosome on the fucking planet who isn’t a total shithead.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
@Nick: good luck hooking up with the Muslim chick. There are some covered up hotties over there that I wish could come to the US so we can look at them without the burqa. If she’s telling you to go for it, do it man. And come back to tell us how great it was. (OF COURSE).
@Maxx: I once dated a 38 y/o woman when I was 28. I have to say that experience ranks way up towards the top of my list. She was cool and hot and didn’t look a day over 30. It could have lasted londer but at the time I wasn’t trying to get into a long-term relationship (wasn’t ready, sue me) and she was in hurry up, wanting to know if I loved her yet mode. We ended it amicably, but know what you’re getting yourself into and make sure you’re on the same page, because if you’re not, you are literally wasting her time.
@Ready to Kill: Everyone here has said it well enough. If you have your own kids, they are God’s gift to you. Just don’t be one of those asshole helicopter parents who can’t tell when their kids are fucking up and try to cover for them even if their kids pulled an “Orphan” on someone else. You can’t be expected to feel the same way towards other people’s kids. And some women do pull the whole rehearsal for the real thing (like Slash said), which is bullshit. It’s not a rehearsal and you should get anal for it (of course).
@Queens idiot: you are a white man in Queens and a black woman that seemed interested in your drunk ass is a whore? Dude, you need to be hit by a moving van and dragged throughout the five boroughs for two hours. Maybe you should have hooked up with your Guido crew, that would have worked out much better.
@Stripper boob job guy: I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again. You can’t turn a hooker into a housewife. Why are you even considering buying a stripper a gift for enlarging her own boobs so she can milk more money out of you. Are you weetaahded? Just stop and think about what you are doing and don’t buy her shit, unless she’s giving out free lapdances, you’ve already bought those titties. That should be gift enough.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Hey, it’s Travis Henry: http://www.denverpost.com/sports/ci_12847345
Former Broncos running back Travis Henry walked into a Montana courtroom Wednesday facing a sentence of 10 years in prison with a $4 million fine. He left the courtroom knowing that he could be released in 16 months and would not be fined.
“We were very happy with the sentence and treatment that both the court and government showed throughout this process,” Henry’s attorney Harvey Steinberg said Wednesday in a phone interview from Billings, Mont.
Henry, 30, was arrested last October for financing a drug ring that moved cocaine to Montana from Colorado. Henry was caught with six kilos of cocaine by undercover agents and later pled guilty to a single count of trafficking cocaine.
He really is retarded.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Bad news about weddings fucking up draft plans: if these are the weddings of your league members, now their anniversaries will fuck up draft plans for the rest of your lives. Fantasy football players should avoid August nuptials.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@NIck,
I think you might be making too much of the Muslim thing. From what you’ve said, she’s basically a chick that’s into you and her religion is beside the point. If you’re so distracted by the religion that you make it a point, it’s you’re mistake, not hers.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Thank you, KSK Mailbag inquirers, for reminding me on a weekly basis that I must never, ever break up with my boyfriend since he may very well be the only Y-chromosome on the fucking planet who isn’t a total shithead.
Nah, he’s a shithead too. You just haven’t discovered what kind of shithead he is. Yet.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Fantasy football players should avoid August nuptials.
Fuck me, everyone should avoid August nuptials. It’s hot as shit, and unless you’re having it in Jamaica, you’re fucking up my vacation plans.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Slash is right – mixing kids/no kids couples on a “group” vacation is a dumbass idea. Completely different time schedules, energy levels, activity restrictions, etc. If this experience would make you think parenthood is bad, then (i) you watch too many sitcoms; and/or (ii) are stupid enough that you probably shouldn’t replicate your DNA from a societal perspective.
Unlike TV and movies, nobody really enjoys the infant/young toddler years – certainly not without the bond of blood. You enjoy MOMENTS more than words can describe, and you certainly LOVE the screaming terror incredibly – but the daily grind is an absolute endurance test. Once your kids can hold a conversation with you and take care off their own piss and shit, the everyday stuff is pretty cool, too. You do have to endure some shitty music and TV, though. No getting around that.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
@Ready to kill: Just a quick reminder that kids are not all rainbows and puppy dogs. The first 1.5 years sucks for the Dad (in my opinion). I was real keen for the first one, but needed a shit load of arm twisting for the second. However, I don’t regret it now (the girl is 1.5 and is jabbering away all the time (cute), and the boy is 4.5 and is great at playing Lego Star Wars with me on the PS3).
@Bobman: I’m a regular Carolla podcast listener, and felt sorry for that chick – I hope he apologized after the show.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I am happy with the result. I can now silence my friend who was insisting that she was a whore. See, he’s the racist. I’m just prejudiced.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
To scared of kids guy-
1. Did you really not talk this over with the Wife before getting betrothed? If not, congratulations on being such a high functioning retard that you can hold down a job and travel unassisted. You and your wife are very special.
2. Buddy, you answered your own question, with the comment about the bitch wife. There’s a reason people yelled at kids and gave them the occasional whack for the first 10,000 years of human existence (until about 1978)- that shit works. Seriously, an important things about kids: they are not your friends, they are your responsibility. Kids don’t know shit and arte looking to their parents to tell them how to live their lives. if you don’t dedicate your entire waking exostence to telling them the right and wrong way to act, you are fucked in the pants. If that stupid wife hadn’t let her daughter get away with the crying whining bullshit the first time, she wouldn’t be doing it now. That’s why high school chicks give blowjobs to dudes they don’t even know: their parents were too chickenshit to establish and follow consistent rules.
Let your pimp hand be strong, grasshopper.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Currently dating a lovely Muslim girl. My Jewish parents love her. Like the Cap’n says, this is America, in the 21st century. If she chooses she can have sex with you, you can raise non-terrorist kids, and you can’t divorce her by saying “I divorce thee” three times and walking in a circle around her.
July 16th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
@ he who seeks coitus with a muslim.
In college a buddy of mine plowed a muslim. He said that she didnt have a clit, turns out she had it cut off when she was a baby. Apparantly this isn’t terribly uncommon. (Man those are some fucked up people.)
Just sayin, fucking her stupid may be a taller task than you anticipate.
July 16th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
RE FreshlySqueezedLemons Says:
” Just a quick reminder that kids are not all rainbows and puppy dogs. The first 1.5 years sucks for the Dad (in my opinion). I was real keen for the first one, but needed a shit load of arm twisting for the second.”
From what I’ve observed, the first couple years aren’t exactly a ride through the wine country for Mom, either. Let’s face it: Babies are high-maintenance attention whores.
I just think this guy (and other commenters) should not judge his readiness for parenthood by his reaction to other people’s monstrous children on a hellish joint vacation with other couples. Forced proximity to other people’s kids would be enough to make that fucking crazy Octomom bitch say, “OK, time to get the tubes tied.”
If nothing else, when your wife is bitching about the kid(s) you end up having, remind her how much she claimed to love it when it was someone else’s spawn she had to listen to. I’m sorry to have to say this, but women are frequently fucking stupid when it comes to having kids. They go on and on about how awesome kids are BEFORE they have them. Then after they have them, they expect the rest of us to feel sorry for them because they have no free time, extra money, or adequate sleep. Worse, women’s magazines actually suggest that single friends and family members “help out” a frazzled mom by offering to take the kids for a weekend so she can “rest.” Fuck that. I’m sorry to sound callous, but that’s what grandparents are for. If there are no grandparents close enough to provide that service, well, too bad and welcome to parenthood.
July 16th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Ready to kill – When considereing the advice of your fellow commenters, note that ones that actually have kids all seem to endorse the idea.
July 16th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Slash, those were wonderful Public Service Announcements. Other peoples kids….yuck…My own…not yuck…(and grandkids are even better, I can spoil them and send them back to the parents!!!)
July 16th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Awesome mailbag.
July 16th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Thanks for the input. It’s appreciated. We’re on the same basic page about kids. I’ve thought about a lot today since Drew replied to my e-mail. 1) Apparently, my therapist and I have something to talk about next week. 2) After thinking about my reactions to things this weekend, I think that my reaction is tied directly to poor parenting. 3) @johndewar: Married in a place much worse than Vegas: Upstate New York. 4) Deux cubed: thanks for the offer.
July 16th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Queens Retard Says:
July 16th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I am happy with the result. I can now silence my friend who was insisting that she was a whore. See, he’s the racist. I’m just prejudiced.
Make better, less retarded friends.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
@Ready to kill:
You know, I love my two daughters like nothing else but now that they are grown, I’ve found I really don’t like most kids in general. It’s not a fault. The vasectomy thing is very hard to hide. You will have stitches in your balls for a week and it takes about 25-30 ejaculates and a re-test to make sure you are shooting blanks. Not mention when you get a vasectomy you will get a local painkiller so you will be fully awake while he slices open each testical, snips out a segment of delivery hose and then uses something like a soldering iron to seal the snipped ends. You don’t want to know what the smell of your own burning balls is like.
You just don’t. Still glad I did it in retrospect. Two kids was enough.
July 16th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
@yeah,right?: I was “fixed” a couple months after the birth of the girl – however, I was knocked right out. Worked well for me. I agree that 2 is perfect – the world is made for families of 4.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:11 am
ok, ok, ok, I get it. Your three year old is adorable when she says, “Daddy, I love you!” But what happens when she is seven years old, and has an unhealthy fetish with unicorns, when she’s 13 years old, getting texts from boys at school inquiring about oral sex, or when she is 17 years old, and hates you and is about to move in with her drug-dealing boyfriend? Or what about your eight year old son, who is obsessed with japanese cartoon playing cards, and when he’s 12 and is uncoordinated and sucks at sports, or when he’s 16 and has a shitty haircut and likes terrible music?
Look, I get that raising children can be very rewarding, but some of us have awful genes and know we shouldn’t reproduce. Plus, there’s a lot to be said to being the creepy old guy at the grocery store who mutters to himself when he picks out frozen dinners.
also ufford, +$4.99 on that card idea. fucking brilliant.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:18 am
@FreshlySqueezedLemons : It was a little strange staying awake during the ordeal. This was back in 2003 when my Cubs were competing (Bartman, cough cough) in the playoffs. The doctor was from New York and a big Yankee fan. We talked about baseball the entire time while I stared holes in the ceiling.
/is it a coincidence that you are speaking on this topic and you screen name is “FreshlySqueezedLemons”?
July 17th, 2009 at 12:28 am
@mini dagger: You are indeed a true bachelor for life. It’s got a solid upside. Traveling yearly to see your favorite NFL team play in a different stadium, (Vikes vs. Saints on Monday Night Football last year) Going to Jamaica and partying naked. Trip to Ireland to visit as many pubs as you can..but you miss the compann..the affect..the closeness…Fuck that, I miss the regular sex.
Apart from that, it’s not all bad.
July 17th, 2009 at 5:57 am
I was apathetic about having kids, loved having them but you know what the best part of having kids is? When they leave and you realize you’re into Stage III of your own life. You get to do what you want when you want with the money to do it. It’s a f’ing blast.
July 17th, 2009 at 8:13 am
@FreshlySqueezedLemons I’m a regular Carolla podcast listener, and felt sorry for that chick – I hope he apologized after the show.
Oh I totally agree, he badgered her way too much about it when she was clear that she didn’t want to hear it; HOWEVER that doesn’t mean what he was saying didn’t have merit in general, just in that situation it was horribly awkward and uncalled for.
@BBT – Your opinions on child rearing are terrifying. Setting boundaries and beating the shit out of your kids don’t necessarily go hand in hand. While I agree that once in a while, in extreme circumstances, ther’es nothing wrong with a whack on the ass, pretty much every psychological study in modern medicine will tell you that the more you smack around your kids, the more likely they are to be violent, fucked up people. Obviously many have taken this to mean that you have to be friends with your kids and let them do whatever they want, which is arguably just as bad a method to choose when they turn into undisciplined assholes, but advising that the best and only way to raise good kids is with a heavy hand is asinine and ignorant.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:22 am
@EastEndClam: I hear ya, my goal was to get them out of the way ASAP so they’d be out of the house ASAP (only 17 more years to go!) At least I’ll only be 50 then.
@yeah, right?: “FreshlySqueezedLemons” = reference to Led Zeppelin song (Traveling Riverside Blues). Also, I’m in Canada, our healthcare system doesn’t mind paying for the Anesthesiologist.
July 17th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I have five kids (really), ages 3 to 15. It’s awesome. But I’ll tell you what I tell people who ask me about my Lasik surgery: I can’t guarantee you’ll get the same great results that I did.
July 17th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I realize I’m totally missing the point of this entire post, but THAT’S how you spell ‘giggity’? Are you sure? I always went with ‘jiggity’.
July 18th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Not everyone is cut out for having kids. There’s nothing wrong with being one of the people who isn’t cut out for having kids, as long as you find that out about yourself before you have any kids.
The day I had my vasectomy was the happiest day of my life.