Kurt Warner is the King of His Castle
A short scene adapted from the upcoming book by Kurt and Brenda Warner, “Jesus and She Makes Three” “First Things First: The Rules to Being a Warner,” which at first sounds like a canceled sitcom starring John Ritter, but is actually a religious tract posing as a fussy memoir of a famous quarterback’s pitiable home life.
Kurt Warner: Hey, Kade, sport, wanna toss the ol’ ball around?
Kade Warner: No.
Kurt Warner: Aw, c’mon, champ. How often do we get a chance to spend some time together? I wanna see how your spiral is coming along.
Kade Warner: No.
Kurt Warner: Well, what do you got going on that’s so important that you don’t have time for dear old dad?
Kade Warner: Clone Wars
Kurt Warner: Clone Wars?
Kade Warner: Clone Wars is on.
Kurt Warner: Can’t you take a quick break? Pause it for a minute? This’ll be fun, I swear. You love throwing the ball around.
Kade Warner: Yeah, I could take a break.
Kurt Warner: [Face lights up]
Kade Warner: Not gonna though
Kurt Warner: [Crestfallen]
Kade Warner: Can’t you ask Elijah?
Kurt Warner: Remember? He’s at deep sea diving camp. Look, I’ll give ya a deal. For every pass you complete to me, I’ll give you a quarter. You could really clean up here!
Kade Warner: Or I could use the credit card you and mom gave me any time I want.
Kurt Warner: [Sighs] Brenda! Come here and look at our layabout son. Doesn’t even wanna get off his duff and play catch with his old man. Think about how many kids would kill to get a chance to toss the pigskin around with a pro QB. And he has him any time he wants.
Brenda Warner: WOULD YOU LEAVE THE KID ALONE!? I just got him out of my hair. Boy won’t stop bugging me about another trip to Comic Con in a few weeks. YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM E3 LAST MONTH!
Kade Warner: THEY’RE NOT THE SAME THING!
Brenda Warner: I DON’T CARE!
Kurt Warner: Okay, okay, settle on down everybody. The Lord has graced us with a beautiful day outside, his splendor on full display. Let’s get out of this stuffy house and enjoy the outdoors. We don’t have to play catch if you don’t want to. We could have a cookout, maybe a short hike.
Brenda Warner: I would, Kurt, honey, I really would. But I got a vicious headache. I need to go lay down. Just drop this whole outdoorsy spiel, okay? We’ll do it some other time. Let the boy watch his show in peace. You need to throw the ball? Call up one of your teammates or strength trainers or something. How hard is it for a quarterback to get to throw a ball?
Kurt Warner: But that’s not the point
Brenda Warner: DROP IT. All right?
Kurt Warner: I’m getting a little tired of the constant disrespect around here.
Brenda Warner: Oh, here we go again. Mr. Sensitive wants to have an airing of grievances.
Kurt Warner: You don’t appreciate me, Brenda
Brenda Warner:Oh, for Pete’s sake, I appreciate you plenty.
Kurt Warner: Then what was my Super Bowl ring doing under the couch?
Brenda Warner: We found it, didn’t we? Let’s just make a big federal case out of it and bring it up any time you feel like a having a big NFL-sized pity party with fireworks and fornicators. Look, I’m going to bed. We’ll have our family prayer time later. Okay, will that make everything better? Give you your bonding exercise?
Kurt Warner: You don’t think I can’t step out and find a nice 20-year-old crazy side piece of my own? Look at this. You don’t think this can fetch me anything? I’m still in the prime of my life. You fell for the Jesus swagger. I STILL GOT THE JESUS SWAGGER!
Brenda Warner: Sure, Kurt. You take the life you’ve based on moral rectitude and religious piety and throw it all away for some dumb murderous hussy. Let’s see how quickly the public turns on you when the squeaky clean image is whipped away when it comes out that you cheated on the Marine wife with the blind kid in the latter years of your NFL career. Think how badly you’ll be demonized, how sympathetic I’ll look blubbering on Oprah about your straying ways. Numbnuts.
Kurt Warner: …
What time’s prayer time?
Brenda: Right before dinner. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, KURT, YOU KNOW THAT!
Tags: depressing tales of domesticity, kurt warner, marriage: still for suckers, xmas ape
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July 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I’m sad that when you click on “marriage: still for suckers”, this is the only entry for that tag.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Tim Tebow needs to read this right this second, for his own sake.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I like to think Saturday night at the Warners looks and sounds much like a scene from the Exorcist. “Let Jesus fuck you!”
July 6th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Now I know what this year’s fantasy football team name is:
Fireworks and Fornicators
July 6th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
” marriage: still for suckers”
Yup, found this out the hard way.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
“marriage: still for suckers”
And not the good suckers if you know what I’m saying.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
A big NFL-sized pity party with fireworks and fornicators sounds kinda fun actually. Marriage, on the other hand, doesn’t.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
You take the life you’ve based on moral rectitude and religious piety and throw it all away for some dumb murderous hussy. Let’s see how quickly the public turns on you when the squeaky clean image is whipped away when it comes out that you cheated on the Marine wife with the blind kid
Yep. Same thing happened to Pope Leo VI.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Yes, but is Kurt the master of his domain?
July 6th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Brenda has to be a way bigger biatch than that.
July 6th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Proven fact – Brenda Warner sleeps in a coffin, and she has a picture of herself that’s getting older.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
What happened to the ugly ass wife he had when he played with the Rams?
” marriage: still for suckers”
Where was this sage advice 10 years ago? The only advice my old man gave me was “Go in as the general because there are no promotions”
July 6th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
“marriage: still for suckers”
truer words were never spoken.
if you enjoy your money, freedom, and getting sloppy BJ’s, NEVER GET MARRIED!
July 6th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
In that picture where he shows off his “Jesus Swagger”, I think he looks like Ben Affleck
July 6th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Where’s Kitna?
July 6th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Now if he had drawn a picture of this proposed “nice 20-year old crazy side piece,” we all might have taken him seriously.
July 6th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Move over, Mouth Eyes; there’s a new nightmare in town.
July 6th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Be fair, if you name your kid “Kade”, you pretty much deserve anything he can throw at you.
Especially if your name is Kurt.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
“I STILL GOT THE JESUS SWAGGER!”
/stealing this line
July 6th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Gotta Love Warner…at least the guy is legit. I’d want him on my team any day, just not as my dad..
July 7th, 2009 at 12:45 am
“which at first sounds like a canceled sitcom starring John Ritter”
somebody made “Weekend at Bernie’s” a sitcom? Hollywood’s relentless…
July 7th, 2009 at 8:29 am
I’m just amazed that you bastards knew how to spell tract properly in “religious tract.”
July 9th, 2009 at 11:56 am
JESUS SWAGGER just made my short list.