KSK Now Accepting The V-Card: PUNTE Mailbag, Part II…THE REVENGE!
Do you think the Pope masturbates? I really don’t have any leaning one way or the other on the matter, but this is where I’m torn. First of all, dude is probably so powerful that he can get his knob slobbered on by just about anyone he wants (bad news for all the youngsters entering junior high in the Vatican). But then, wouldn’t he just be all, “Screw this, I’m the Pope, and I feel like giving the Kid Pope a coupla tugs.” I really don’t know how this would turn out, so if you happen to be a former Pope and could bring some insight to this debate, your correspondence would be appreciated.
We lead off with a non-question. It was just such a bizarre email–whether it was intended for the sexbag or not–that I just had to show it some love:
Hey fellas,
so I have a story I’d like to share…I’m a fan of and read the KSK
and follow all links, NSFW or not, and this brings me to the point
where I forgot I followed the link with the words of “we’re gunna need
a bigger boat” and 5 months later a drunk lady friend wants to show a
friend of mine some porn and tries to go to redtube.com and thinks I
had it bookmarked only to see the shark getting it on. after quite a
bit of ridicule from my friends I obtain the nickname of: shark porn.
so I’d like to thank you for helping me achieve this nickname.
—————
Dear Shark Porn:
Stupid nicknames aren’t always as wonderful as they originally seem.
Sincerely,
Donkey Porn.
—————-
Anyway, onto the actual mailbag:
Purveyors of Pigskin and Poon-
Sex: I recently started seeing this girl about a month ago, and things have been going very well, with one noticeable exception. We’ve had several marathon makeout sessions, but as of yet we haven’t gotten know each other carnally.
Jesus fucking Christ, Willie. You on a deadline or something?
We saw each other last night and during another makekout session, I broached the subject of what her timetable typically is for getting down to business, and after some hesitation on her part, she dropped a bit of a bomb on me- she hasn’t as of yet cashed in her V Card.
Wait a second…they GIVE YOU CASH FOR THOSE THINGS?!
So, one the one hand I felt relived, as my previous question to her was (jokingly) if she had a dick. But on the other hand, her revelation to me was still a bit of a shock. Now, with this in mind, here’s some much needed context- we’re both in our 30s, and she explained that she went through high school and college thinking she should save herself for marraige. She made the decision in her mid-20s to scrap the idea of chastity, but never got around to having her. Also, I’m not looking at this as an excuse to bail, since we get along great and in such a short time we’ve gotten very comfortable with each other. However, I am looking for advice on how to approach this moving forward- specifically, what to expect from her and how to deal with it.
The best and worst part of all of this is that you’re starting from square one. You’ve been tapped (heh, tapped) as her official ambassador to Happyland, and that can be pretty cool. It can also be annoying as fuck.
I think the most annoying things virgins do is kiss too hard. I have a crown on one of my front teeth, so I’m particularly annoyed by any woman that tries to merge face by mashing hers into mine. I’m sensitive, yo! That was more of a personal aside. I’ll answer your question now.
Basically, you’re standing at the tee of a 350-yard par 4; that is to say, you can play any club in the bag here. But remember, the objective here is repeat business, so it’s not a bad idea to march south past the equator through the jungle rather than jumping on a direct flight. Then again, if you do that and she’s expecting a wild, hair-pulling fuck, you run the risk of disappointment. Chick logic dictates that you explore the course of action that you think she’ll like least, because that’s probably what she’ll like best. I don’t get it, either.
Football: Last year I managed to strike rookie gold for my fantasy team and finished 9th in my 12 team league.
That doesn’t sound like gold. That sounds more like boron. It’s one of the noble dipshit elements.
I drafted Forte and Slaton in the 2nd and 7th rounds, respectively, and picked up Matt Ryan, who was a 22nd round pick. So the question is this- should I target a stud WR in the 1st round this season? A lot of the top RBs- Peterson, Turner, MJD, DeAngelo Williams, Chris Johnson- all figure to be kept, meaning guys like Steven Jackson, Portis, Westbrook and LT going in the first 4-5 picks.
If your keeper league starts two running backs (I play in one that doesn’t), and you can get value at RB with your number one, do it. Never mind your wideout situation at that point; you grab the best available player at that point, who typically is also the most scarce. Somebody in your league will be emailing you the day after the draft wondering what it will take for you to part with DeAngelo Willams or Kevin Smith. I find wideouts to have a lot of variance from year to year–I don’t expect Kurt Warner to pull magic out of his ass again, and I’d rather not pin my draft on the promise of Greg Jennings, either. Good luck fucking your girlfriend and your draft. You’ll find great satisfaction in both.
Dear KSK/Anyone who gives a fuck,
Fantasy football first: I’m in a league that scores 6 points per TD, regardless of position. So, is it worth taking Brady 1st overall? Or should I just wait to get a QB in the 2nd round?
Quarterbacks are first-round picks when TD passes are worth 6 points. Mid- to late-first round picks. But you have to go QB-RB or you’re fucked, and by “quarterbacks,” I don’t mean “Matt Hasselbeck.” I’m looking at you, futuremrsrickankiel.
Sex…Or lack there of: So I’m 22 and have yet to have sex. I know, go buy a prosty…Gotchya. You have my word that when I turn 23, I’m going to pay to have sex (how sad is that…). That’s not the problem. See, there’s this girls (thank God) that I’ve known for about 6 and a half years now. Now we’re just friends, according to her, but we’ve done shit two or three times together. And by shit I mean fingerbangin, an over the pants hand job and hell I even went down on her for like…5 seconds.
Five seconds?! Were you just in a hurry? Did you perform this with your head sticking out of a moving car window?
She is easily the hottest girl I know. Short, pretty as hell, great tits/body and an ass that essentially makes me weep when she’s naked/wearing shorts.
Because those are basically the same thing.
Now this is the only ‘experience’ I have, while she’s a bit more experienced than I am. I don’t know if I actually have feelings for this girl, but I mean, we basically spend every day together and everyone thinks we’re married with the way we argue/talk to each other. And she’s even said she doesn’t want to have sex with me because she doesn’t want to be my first. So seriously, what the fuck? Does this chick like me? Am I just convenient? Is there even a way, besides getting plastered with her, where we can do it? My testicles hurt when we’re just hanging out.
Chris in Toronto
This is where a horrible double standard comes into play–men are not allowed to be bad at sex. Oh, sure, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, but even the most progressive women realize that it’s the man’s job to mount his woman and perform. And perform you must.
And this seems like a good spot to talk about how disappointing The First Time really is, and for that I turn over the floor to noted delicious piece of MMA ass Gina Carano:
My first MMA fight was with this girl who shouldn’t have been in the cage with me. I ground and pounded her in 39 seconds. It was a good feeling, sure, but you train your butt off for so long, then it only lasts 39 seconds? Kind of like your other first time. via.
It really is a train wreck of bodies, emotions and semen. Mostly semen, but you can understand why this friend of yours doesn’t want to be placed at the scene, your five-second taco lunch notwithstanding. If you really like this girl, you might consider bringing in another girl into the fold that you may or may not actually have sex with. When your friend finds out that you might be getting your Tex Mex elsewhere, she might be more inclined to partake in your cherry-popping.
What up, faggety fags!
Now, I do my fair share of porn watching, and I gotta ask… Why is it that every man on the planet can shoot their load 10 fucking feet? I dated a chick once who let me blow my wad on her boobies, and I got about 4 inches of air under it. Does my little guy have problems? Does every fucking dude on the planet have spewing projectile sperm besides me?
Also, I’m in a 12 team keeper league where we all keep five guys. I’m down to Braylon Edwards and Rashard_Mendenhall for my fifth spot. Choose for me, dammit.
- No hang time guy
Stop eating so much processed sugar. And take Mendenhall.
Gents,
Football first: I am in a 16 team 4 player keeper league that’s pretty compeditive.
I’m sure that it’s really cuddthroat.
I draft dead last and am not keeping a quarterback. That said, I need to go QB with my first pick, or risk marching out mouth breathers like JaMarcus Russell and Shaun Hill. Who are your choices for second tier sleepers this year?
Don’t flip out if you can’t find a quarterback on your first trip up and down the board. There will be plenty of QBs available even after the first five rounds. For a sleeper, I really like Kerry Collins this year. The absence of Albert Haynesworth on the Titans’ D-Line is going to put that team behind in more games this year, and they’ll be counting on Collins to air-deliver salvation for them. While the Titans will struggle in a finally-competitive AFC South, Collins’ numbers should get a nice boost.
Sex: I am dating a really great girl, and I must say, the sex is amazing….at night. Unlike any woman I have ever been with, she refuses to give it up in the morning.
I gotta stop you there. I really can’t stand morning sex. The morning is My Time to be grumpy and insensitive toward everything. You know, before I sit down in front of the laptop each workday. Anyway…
She blames her lack of a morning labedo on her disgust for morning breath, so I have even tried showering and brushing my teeth before crawling back into bed with her and giving her the business. I have even explained that I will gladly do all the work, and it really is a super way to start the day. We get it on nearly every night, but I am batting about .106 in my efforts to get her to give up the “morning glory”…what else can I do?
This reminds me of a semi-funny story from a guy I knew that drove a beer truck in Cincinnati. He’s laying (lying?) in bed, asleep when his disgruntled wife elbows him in the ribs, awakening him. When he turns toward his bride to sort out her issue, she whispers into his ear, “Give me a hummer.” Bear in mind that this was in 1997, so she wasn’t talking about the SUV. But seriously, don’t beat this thing to death; you continually asking her to do it won’t warm her up to the idea. I suggest modifying your approach, possibly beating the alarm by 20 minutes or so, and then putting a vertical smile on your face.
Futbaw first: I’m pretty high on Jason Witten this year.
Bad idea, but please continue.
Basically I’d consider taking him above all wideouts except for Moss, Fitzgerald, and Calvin and Andre Johnson.
Bad, bad idea.
I just can’t see Tony Romo actually getting the ball downfield to his wideouts now that T.O. is gone, and he’s always loved to throw to Witten. Two problems: I hate the Cowboys, and I’m afraid our delightfully insane friend Martellus Bennett is going to take some catches away from Witten. Specifically, I hate the Cowboys so much that I’ve never drafted one, and Bennett looks like he could well turn in to a poor man’s Antonio Gates one of these days. Given those qualms, whadya think about my idea of drafting Witten ahead of all but 4 or 5 wide receivers?
Uh…
Our league allows WR/TE subbing.
Good to know. Say, you looking to join any more leagues?
Sex: I’m a rising college sophomore.
Rising all the way to 12th place in your fantasy league.
Over the past year or so I’ve been fooling around with a lady friend who attends a college out-of-state and visits my school often (we share a mutual friend at my school).
You two share him? That’s hot. And at least 50 percent gay for you.
She’s a bit of a tease. While we’ve gotten close, the deed has never been done. As a lover of the chase this wouldn’t ordinarily be a problem for me, but she’s cost me sure sex with other girls on two occasions now.
One time I was flirting with a girl that I’d previously slept with (and was about to sleep with again) and literally blew her off cold when Tease walked up and made it clear that she didn’t like my flirting with this other girl. I turn my attention to Tease and we wind up in bed again. I haven’t been that pushy with regards to our failure to actually have sex, but this time she eventually whispers that she wants me to fuck her. This is about as green as the light can get, but in the ten seconds between “I want you to fuck me” and my hands reaching her underwear she apparently changes her mind. I back off accordingly.
Ten seconds? TEN SECONDS?! Sheesh…Skip to the 3:00 mark.
Class dismissed.
Tags: jeez punter that's just wrong, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, MMP
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July 24th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Went down on her for 5 seconds? I’d love to know what actually happened after that. I’d imagine her reluctance to have sex with you is somehow tied in to the fact that the sole time you were between her legs, it lasted 5 seconds.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:02 am
yeah… now this is the punter I was expecting
July 24th, 2009 at 7:10 am
Cooool, I will upload this video to the tall dating site ___Tallloving com___ to share with those hot models and beautiful girls.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:39 am
I’m not a real Pope, but I play one on TV. Rest assured, I do indeed punch the bishop at least 3 times a day, more durring Lent.
///Not really a TV actor///
July 24th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Boron isn’t a noble element. It has 3 electrons in its outermost shell, which means that it is hot and heavy for some lovin’, not unlike our V-Card player there…
July 24th, 2009 at 8:20 am
So, one the one hand I felt relived, as my previous question to her was (jokingly) if she had a dick.
It’s difficult to pinpoint just why she hadn’t dropped her panties for you, but this might have had something to do with it.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:26 am
We get it on nearly every night, but I am batting about .106 in my efforts to get her to give up the “morning glory”…what else can I do?
You can go fuck yourself.
/All the married guys
July 24th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Punter – thanks for this. There really is no better way to start off a “Sexy Friday” than with a mailbag.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:40 am
“We fuck nearly every night” is codespeak to all of us to stop reading the rest of your lies.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:05 am
On behalf of all us married guys, all you who get laid more than twice a month can go join the Taliban and die accordingly. Fucking fucks.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:09 am
This was a terrible mailbag. Where’s the anal and threesomes? No one wants to read about whiny virgins!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:17 am
+1 Otto
Seriously, he can go fuck himself with a shovel, sideways.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:21 am
And if they offered every guy a cash payout for their V-card at age 21, I seriously doubt they would write many checks.
/Lets the little head do way too much thinking.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:23 am
jesus. I guess I may as well be married. I live with my gf and we have the most plain, average sex every 2 weeks.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:25 am
I used to have sex every night. Then I got paroled.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Motion for a separate weekly “Not Having Sex”-bag post.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I have sex every night, and I want it in the morning too! Fuck you, you whiny bitch!
July 24th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Nice job giving a spelling lesson after opening with “correspondance.”
July 24th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Regarding virgins:
A wise man once opined that it’s never a good idea to become the second closest man to a girl other than her dad.
Whatever that means.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:39 am
jesus. I guess I may as well be married. I live with my gf and we have the most plain, average sex every 2 weeks.
Sheesh. If you’re already that bad, marriage would mean you’d be down to a half-hearted handjob every vernal equinox.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:40 am
P.S. I have dibs on “Half-Hearted Handjob” for my band’s name.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:47 am
John Cleese = Not sexy.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:48 am
@otto man.
Your band would be so emo.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:51 am
If you really want morning sexual activity, just start by gently rubbing on her thigh to wake her….. take your time…. eventually move your way between the legs….. It should get her motor running.
Wow, I feel creepy writing that. But, It does work. Even for us married guys.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Well, Otto, if you’re taking “Half-Hearted Handjob” for your band’s name, then I’m taking it for my fantasy football name. Is that kosher?
July 24th, 2009 at 10:08 am
“And by shit I mean fingerbangin, an OVER THE PANTS hand job and hell I even went down on her for like…5 seconds.”
What in the hell is an “over the pants hand job”? What kind of thin-ass pants do you wear to allow a girl to get a firm enough grip for it to count as a hand job? Or was it more of a “furious rub” job? Perhaps dry humping that accidentally became one-sided wet-humping? I’m very perplexed.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am
@Danger — the over-the-pants half-hearted handjob is the #1 reason to wear mesh shorts with no underwear at all times. You never know when the opportunity will present itself.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Anything for Italian Spiderman. RESPECT!
July 24th, 2009 at 10:31 am
putting a vertical smile on your face.
+1 for this. I will be using this phrase at some point this weekend.
And for the guy who gets it every night but wants it in the morning too…proceed to the nearest ledge and kindly toss yourself off of it. Your complaining is going to get your P card revoked at some point and you’ll be lucky to “get fucked” on your birthday.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:38 am
@Chris: If she just wants to be friends she should have no problem setting you up with other girls. If she likes you she should hook up with you and if she doesn’t, stop wasting your time.
I know one girl from Toronto and the last 4 girls I have fooled around with have been her friends. So you must be trying not to get laid.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:15 am
/wakes up, removes face from keyboard
Hey V-card guy, Punters right about teeth mashing but be even more wary of teeth scraping. Ladies no teeth are ever required on the little Lebowski.
No hang-time guy: These guys are in porn for a reason. About every blue moon I can get a 12″ vertical but it’s the exception not the rule.
Morning sex is fantastic. Solve breath problem by approaching doggy style. You can get business done quickly and you were going to take a shower anyway.
Tease guy: Never take her seriously again. Ever. Fuck that if she cost you two chances leave her corrupt ass now.
@Otto: I will take Shaking Baby Syndrome as my band name but you bring the quality.
Yes the Pope masturbates only he uses Frankincense as a lube.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Thanks for the mental picture of the Pope jackin’ it. Awesome start to a Friday.
RE guy with teasing “girlfriend” – Um, she sounds like a bitch to me. I think you should cut off contact. Yeah, no means no and all that, but somebody who demands that you fuck her, then almost immediately puts on the brakes, is a straight-up bitch. That’s a total control freak move. I don’t think you should make a big dramatic “Fuck me or we’re no longer friends” speech or anything, just be unavailable. I know men have no problem doing that. When she visits, find someplace else to be/other people to be with. Unless she’s a good friend that you otherwise enjoy hanging with, not sure why you’re bothering to leave your schedule open for her. She doesn’t seem to be interested in having sex with you, just having you around to affirm her attractiveness. Maybe one day she’ll actually deign to have actual sex with you, but doesn’t sound like it’d be worth the wait or the trouble.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Of course the pope slaps the cardinal around..
To Mr. Short-shot: Practice makes perfect dude. Also does build up. If you just shake’d your steak that morning, you dont have a lot of water pressure. Its science. If I wait a few days, and have at it, it takes off like a Boeing 767.
Start beating off in the cumshot position and get your practice on. Prepare accordingly.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Hasselbeck was the only decent QB left in that clusterfuck of a league. At least I didn’t give up THE FIRST OVERALL PICK to hang on to Carson Palmer last year…
July 24th, 2009 at 11:59 am
jesus. I guess I may as well be married. I live with my gf and we have the most plain, average sex every 2 weeks.
Sheesh. If you’re already that bad, marriage would mean you’d be down to a half-hearted handjob every vernal equinox.
/only during leap years
//married too long
July 24th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Tease – My first reaction was around the same as Slash’s and yeah, right?’s. But I think Punte and John Cleese have it right. It’s very simple: act like you’ve been there before. Even though it sounds like she laid everything out fairly simple, there’s a distinct possibility that overeagerness hurt you big-time.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
That doesn’t sound like gold. That sounds more like boron. It’s one of the noble dipshit elements.
I’m way too much of a nerd because that shit made my day.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Over-the-pants Half-Hearted Handjob sounds like a Woody Allen movie.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
@ The Fucking Moron Who Wants to Draft Tony Romo
Since nobody else has the heart to break it to you… this girl is totally fucking with your head. It is unlikely you will ever have sex with her if you haven’t already. The amateur psychologist in me would guess that this girl is extremely insecure and self conscious. She validates herself through the attention she receives from men. That’s why she tells you she wants to fuck you, because she knows that it’s gonna pull you in. When it comes to go time, she backs off because of her self-loathing about her attractiveness, insecurity about being naked, and uncertainty about her ability to perform in bed (among other things). She doesn’t want you, she just wants you to pay attention to her.
In short, she’s nucking futs. And yes, I’ve run into way too many of these types of girls in my lifetime.
/dick joke
July 24th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
the pope says bring on sexy Friday
July 24th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Nobody doesn’t like Molten Boron!
July 24th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
RE Shirley Says:
“Come and join hot tall dating club ____Tallloving.com____ has lots of big tall girls there! besides, it’s hot modelss, milfs, sexy chick s and handsome young men and chicks dating club!!LOL Don’t miss out!!”
This is solid advice. Don’t miss out, indeed.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I am bewildered at the venom about the guy who fucks every night…there are a lot of us who fuck every night (except during red card season where blowjob practice is in full effect).
And the “being high on Jason Whitten” statement is just an overall sign on poor judgement…piss poor…
July 24th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Sex with the 30 yr old virgin : Virgin sex sucks. Offer to take her V card, get it over with, then she can start enjoying it the second time.
Virgin guy : Welcome to the world of women. They don’t make any sense whatso-fucking-ever. But she’ll never fuck you, no matter how badly you want it, so go look elsewhere. And being a virgin at 22 isn’t the end of the world. Go to a college party, have a good time, talk with some girls, don’t come across as fucking desperate, and you’ll be getting laid in no time.
Tease guy : Dear God, you’ve given up sure sex with TWO girls for this bitch? Tell her to die in a fucking fire and leave you the fuck alone. What a castrating whore. Fuck that noise.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Another tip for increased air time: when you’re going at it, try to hold off as long as possible. The longer you hold off, the greater the buildup. Master controlling the buildup and you’ll be shooting high-velocity loads in no time.
Takes a lot of self control, but when you drop a Pete North-esque load all over her, everybody wins!
July 24th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
@ Tease Guy: She has to be a clear knock-out ten for you to be putting up with this ish. However, women “get off” having control over their men. So if she “wanted you to fuck her” and then stops, she just controlling you. She might eventually down the road but at this point you are playing straight into her hand.
@Chris in Toronto: Since you have known her for about six years or so, I think her mind is pretty made-up if she wants to have sex with you or not. I noted that you spend all that time together, that could mean something or absolutely nothing at all. Classic “Limbo” friendship.
I would take it as a friendship until you get the “green light” or “red light.”
July 24th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
@No hang time guy
Follow ndhwn’s build up advice, but you also can’t just fire at will either. You gotta squeeze the shaft just behind the head for half a second or so and let some pressure build up behind that first load. Try and let ‘er rip just as the second wave’s coming.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Lame-assed fucking mailbag.
I want more of “My interracial 3-ways are not hot enough”.
July 25th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
To Jason Witten Fanboy:
I don’t know if this has been said in the comments already, but are you sure Tease doesn’t have a boyfriend? I had the same exact wtf-problem with a girl before, and it turned out she had a boyfriend.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Maybe I weren’t married long enough, but sexy time was a regular occurance with the ex. Is there a general concensus as to how long it takes for the sex to dry up in a marriage? You married guys make me it sound horrible.
July 27th, 2009 at 11:01 am
*wasn’t.