pope_benedict

Do you think the Pope masturbates? I really don’t have any leaning one way or the other on the matter, but this is where I’m torn. First of all, dude is probably so powerful that he can get his knob slobbered on by just about anyone he wants (bad news for all the youngsters entering junior high in the Vatican). But then, wouldn’t he just be all, “Screw this, I’m the Pope, and I feel like giving the Kid Pope a coupla tugs.” I really don’t know how this would turn out, so if you happen to be a former Pope and could bring some insight to this debate, your correspondence would be appreciated.

We lead off with a non-question. It was just such a bizarre email–whether it was intended for the sexbag or not–that I just had to show it some love:

Hey fellas,
so I have a story I’d like to share…I’m a fan of and read the KSK
and follow all links, NSFW or not, and this brings me to the point
where I forgot I followed the link with the words of “we’re gunna need
a bigger boat”
and 5 months later a drunk lady friend wants to show a
friend of mine some porn and tries to go to redtube.com and thinks I
had it bookmarked only to see the shark getting it on. after quite a
bit of ridicule from my friends I obtain the nickname of: shark porn.
so I’d like to thank you for helping me achieve this nickname.

—————
Dear Shark Porn:

Stupid nicknames aren’t always as wonderful as they originally seem.

Sincerely,

Donkey Porn.
—————-

Anyway, onto the actual mailbag:
v-card

Purveyors of Pigskin and Poon-

Sex: I recently started seeing this girl about a month ago, and things have been going very well, with one noticeable exception. We’ve had several marathon makeout sessions, but as of yet we haven’t gotten know each other carnally.

Jesus fucking Christ, Willie. You on a deadline or something?

We saw each other last night and during another makekout session, I broached the subject of what her timetable typically is for getting down to business, and after some hesitation on her part, she dropped a bit of a bomb on me- she hasn’t as of yet cashed in her V Card.

Wait a second…they GIVE YOU CASH FOR THOSE THINGS?!

So, one the one hand I felt relived, as my previous question to her was (jokingly) if she had a dick. But on the other hand, her revelation to me was still a bit of a shock. Now, with this in mind, here’s some much needed context- we’re both in our 30s, and she explained that she went through high school and college thinking she should save herself for marraige. She made the decision in her mid-20s to scrap the idea of chastity, but never got around to having her. Also, I’m not looking at this as an excuse to bail, since we get along great and in such a short time we’ve gotten very comfortable with each other. However, I am looking for advice on how to approach this moving forward- specifically, what to expect from her and how to deal with it.

The best and worst part of all of this is that you’re starting from square one. You’ve been tapped (heh, tapped) as her official ambassador to Happyland, and that can be pretty cool. It can also be annoying as fuck.

I think the most annoying things virgins do is kiss too hard. I have a crown on one of my front teeth, so I’m particularly annoyed by any woman that tries to merge face by mashing hers into mine. I’m sensitive, yo! That was more of a personal aside. I’ll answer your question now.

Basically, you’re standing at the tee of a 350-yard par 4; that is to say, you can play any club in the bag here. But remember, the objective here is repeat business, so it’s not a bad idea to march south past the equator through the jungle rather than jumping on a direct flight. Then again, if you do that and she’s expecting a wild, hair-pulling fuck, you run the risk of disappointment. Chick logic dictates that you explore the course of action that you think she’ll like least, because that’s probably what she’ll like best. I don’t get it, either.

Football: Last year I managed to strike rookie gold for my fantasy team and finished 9th in my 12 team league.

That doesn’t sound like gold. That sounds more like boron. It’s one of the noble dipshit elements.

I drafted Forte and Slaton in the 2nd and 7th rounds, respectively, and picked up Matt Ryan, who was a 22nd round pick. So the question is this- should I target a stud WR in the 1st round this season? A lot of the top RBs- Peterson, Turner, MJD, DeAngelo Williams, Chris Johnson- all figure to be kept, meaning guys like Steven Jackson, Portis, Westbrook and LT going in the first 4-5 picks.

If your keeper league starts two running backs (I play in one that doesn’t), and you can get value at RB with your number one, do it. Never mind your wideout situation at that point; you grab the best available player at that point, who typically is also the most scarce. Somebody in your league will be emailing you the day after the draft wondering what it will take for you to part with DeAngelo Willams or Kevin Smith. I find wideouts to have a lot of variance from year to year–I don’t expect Kurt Warner to pull magic out of his ass again, and I’d rather not pin my draft on the promise of Greg Jennings, either. Good luck fucking your girlfriend and your draft. You’ll find great satisfaction in both.

Dear KSK/Anyone who gives a fuck,

Fantasy football first: I’m in a league that scores 6 points per TD, regardless of position. So, is it worth taking Brady 1st overall? Or should I just wait to get a QB in the 2nd round?

Quarterbacks are first-round picks when TD passes are worth 6 points. Mid- to late-first round picks. But you have to go QB-RB or you’re fucked, and by “quarterbacks,” I don’t mean “Matt Hasselbeck.” I’m looking at you, futuremrsrickankiel.

Sex…Or lack there of: So I’m 22 and have yet to have sex. I know, go buy a prosty…Gotchya. You have my word that when I turn 23, I’m going to pay to have sex (how sad is that…). That’s not the problem. See, there’s this girls (thank God) that I’ve known for about 6 and a half years now. Now we’re just friends, according to her, but we’ve done shit two or three times together. And by shit I mean fingerbangin, an over the pants hand job and hell I even went down on her for like…5 seconds.

Five seconds?! Were you just in a hurry? Did you perform this with your head sticking out of a moving car window?

She is easily the hottest girl I know. Short, pretty as hell, great tits/body and an ass that essentially makes me weep when she’s naked/wearing shorts.

Because those are basically the same thing.

Now this is the only ‘experience’ I have, while she’s a bit more experienced than I am. I don’t know if I actually have feelings for this girl, but I mean, we basically spend every day together and everyone thinks we’re married with the way we argue/talk to each other. And she’s even said she doesn’t want to have sex with me because she doesn’t want to be my first. So seriously, what the fuck? Does this chick like me? Am I just convenient? Is there even a way, besides getting plastered with her, where we can do it? My testicles hurt when we’re just hanging out.

Chris in Toronto

This is where a horrible double standard comes into play–men are not allowed to be bad at sex. Oh, sure, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, but even the most progressive women realize that it’s the man’s job to mount his woman and perform. And perform you must.

And this seems like a good spot to talk about how disappointing The First Time really is, and for that I turn over the floor to noted delicious piece of MMA ass Gina Carano:

My first MMA fight was with this girl who shouldn’t have been in the cage with me. I ground and pounded her in 39 seconds. It was a good feeling, sure, but you train your butt off for so long, then it only lasts 39 seconds? Kind of like your other first time. via.

It really is a train wreck of bodies, emotions and semen. Mostly semen, but you can understand why this friend of yours doesn’t want to be placed at the scene, your five-second taco lunch notwithstanding. If you really like this girl, you might consider bringing in another girl into the fold that you may or may not actually have sex with. When your friend finds out that you might be getting your Tex Mex elsewhere, she might be more inclined to partake in your cherry-popping.

What up, faggety fags!

Now, I do my fair share of porn watching, and I gotta ask… Why is it that every man on the planet can shoot their load 10 fucking feet? I dated a chick once who let me blow my wad on her boobies, and I got about 4 inches of air under it. Does my little guy have problems? Does every fucking dude on the planet have spewing projectile sperm besides me?

Also, I’m in a 12 team keeper league where we all keep five guys. I’m down to Braylon Edwards and Rashard_Mendenhall for my fifth spot. Choose for me, dammit.

- No hang time guy

Stop eating so much processed sugar. And take Mendenhall.

Gents,

Football first: I am in a 16 team 4 player keeper league that’s pretty compeditive.

I’m sure that it’s really cuddthroat.

I draft dead last and am not keeping a quarterback. That said, I need to go QB with my first pick, or risk marching out mouth breathers like JaMarcus Russell and Shaun Hill. Who are your choices for second tier sleepers this year?

Don’t flip out if you can’t find a quarterback on your first trip up and down the board. There will be plenty of QBs available even after the first five rounds. For a sleeper, I really like Kerry Collins this year. The absence of Albert Haynesworth on the Titans’ D-Line is going to put that team behind in more games this year, and they’ll be counting on Collins to air-deliver salvation for them. While the Titans will struggle in a finally-competitive AFC South, Collins’ numbers should get a nice boost.

Sex: I am dating a really great girl, and I must say, the sex is amazing….at night. Unlike any woman I have ever been with, she refuses to give it up in the morning.

I gotta stop you there. I really can’t stand morning sex. The morning is My Time to be grumpy and insensitive toward everything. You know, before I sit down in front of the laptop each workday. Anyway…

She blames her lack of a morning labedo on her disgust for morning breath, so I have even tried showering and brushing my teeth before crawling back into bed with her and giving her the business. I have even explained that I will gladly do all the work, and it really is a super way to start the day. We get it on nearly every night, but I am batting about .106 in my efforts to get her to give up the “morning glory”…what else can I do?

This reminds me of a semi-funny story from a guy I knew that drove a beer truck in Cincinnati. He’s laying (lying?) in bed, asleep when his disgruntled wife elbows him in the ribs, awakening him. When he turns toward his bride to sort out her issue, she whispers into his ear, “Give me a hummer.” Bear in mind that this was in 1997, so she wasn’t talking about the SUV. But seriously, don’t beat this thing to death; you continually asking her to do it won’t warm her up to the idea. I suggest modifying your approach, possibly beating the alarm by 20 minutes or so, and then putting a vertical smile on your face.

Futbaw first: I’m pretty high on Jason Witten this year.

Bad idea, but please continue.

Basically I’d consider taking him above all wideouts except for Moss, Fitzgerald, and Calvin and Andre Johnson.

Bad, bad idea.

I just can’t see Tony Romo actually getting the ball downfield to his wideouts now that T.O. is gone, and he’s always loved to throw to Witten. Two problems: I hate the Cowboys, and I’m afraid our delightfully insane friend Martellus Bennett is going to take some catches away from Witten. Specifically, I hate the Cowboys so much that I’ve never drafted one, and Bennett looks like he could well turn in to a poor man’s Antonio Gates one of these days. Given those qualms, whadya think about my idea of drafting Witten ahead of all but 4 or 5 wide receivers?

Uh…

Our league allows WR/TE subbing.

Good to know. Say, you looking to join any more leagues?

Sex: I’m a rising college sophomore.

Rising all the way to 12th place in your fantasy league.

Over the past year or so I’ve been fooling around with a lady friend who attends a college out-of-state and visits my school often (we share a mutual friend at my school).

You two share him? That’s hot. And at least 50 percent gay for you.

She’s a bit of a tease. While we’ve gotten close, the deed has never been done. As a lover of the chase this wouldn’t ordinarily be a problem for me, but she’s cost me sure sex with other girls on two occasions now.

One time I was flirting with a girl that I’d previously slept with (and was about to sleep with again) and literally blew her off cold when Tease walked up and made it clear that she didn’t like my flirting with this other girl. I turn my attention to Tease and we wind up in bed again. I haven’t been that pushy with regards to our failure to actually have sex, but this time she eventually whispers that she wants me to fuck her. This is about as green as the light can get, but in the ten seconds between “I want you to fuck me” and my hands reaching her underwear she apparently changes her mind. I back off accordingly.

Ten seconds? TEN SECONDS?! Sheesh…Skip to the 3:00 mark.

Class dismissed.