favreragnar
More Ragnar treachery to spur Drew’s bloodlust

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering T.J. Houshmandzadeh making a stink about being only the sixth highest rated receiver in the NFC in the new Madden, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC North, where if you’re not downing 8,000 calories a day, you’re dropping precious pounds.

cutlersmirk
Like that forced grin is gonna last

CHICAGO BEARS

Five Fast Facts About Da Bears:

  • Jay Cutlerfucker has finally found a team where he can be appreciated, one with an outsized expectation to finally have a quarterback carry them on their shoulders and deliver wins seemingly out of nowhere. Yup, he’ll cave after three regular season pass attempts.
  • Greg Olsen hopes to benefit in a newfound Bears passing game. And if those benefits include underage girls, all the better.
  • Hoping to buck the impression that he’s an old guy, Orlando Pace logged onto Twitter the other day. The result: he and that porn bot following him are expecting four children already.
  • Nathan Vasher will take no more of your Vasher bashing, young lady.
  • The departure of Mike Brown leaves a gaping hole in the “effective safety when healthy but he’s usually hurt” slot in the Bears secondary. With a little gumption and some more bone spurs, Kevin Payne just might be that guy.

    Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins

    Verdict: OVER

    Cutlerfucker will make the Bears better. How much? Marginally. But in a marginal division, that goes a long way, at least in the regular season. The defense doesn’t live up to its recent reputation, but it has enough to lead this team to a division title.

    kinglion

    DETROIT LIONS

    Five Fast Facts About the Lions:

  • Grady Jackson will eat all remaining foodstuffs in the Detroit area, thus engendering the cannibalism we have so longed for in this economy.
  • Larry Foote actually wanted to play for this team. No joke. He did. All 16 games. He means it. Okay, not fair of the camera to linger on him to make sure he keeps a straight face.
  • Maurice Morris missed his golden opportunity to star in the porn version of the Eminem vehicle, 8 Inch. In Gran Pornio, however, he will rectify this.
  • Ronald Curry sounds like an Indian version of Ronald McDonald. Always bothered me that he hasn’t embraced this.
  • Matt Stafford received $41.7 million in guaranteed money in his rookie contract, which will pan out to about a million dollars per completion percentage.

    Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 5 wins

    Verdict: UNDER

    Five whole wins? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Lions fans. This is a better team than the historically inept one that spread disgrace on thick last year, but you’re still throwing Daunte Culpepper out there (assuming Stafford doesn’t start Week 1) with no discernible running back, no secondary and only a slightly better front seven. Baby steps.

    packfanaj

    GREEN BAY PACKERS

    Five Fat Fast Facts About the Packers:

  • Jermichael Finley tried to cram Jermaine and Michael into one first name, did it, and spend a lifetime regretting it.
  • Hoping to spring back from injury plagued 2008 campaign, Atari Bigby sat down, read through the Bible, noted some key passages, mulled them over, prayed for convalescence, and was met in his sleep by the beneficent god of dreadlocks, who vowed to listen to his pleas and share them in exaggerated anecdotes with friends. End result: laughter from friends, no better health for Atari.
  • Former USC linebacker Clay Matthews pairs with former Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk to activate a water fountain. Matthews hits button while Hawk drinks. Sadly they figure this out after considerable effort out midway through the third quarter of Week 9′s game in Raymond James Stadium.
  • Aaron Rodgers had a good statistical season last year. Any chance he can repeat? I dunno, ask these wonderful STATISTICS you place so much import in. DON’T THEY JUST KNOW EVERYTHING!
  • Anthony Smith is really feeling this new Mos Def album. Sadly, he plans to listen to it in coverage.

    Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

    Verdict: UNDER

    The Pack were 5-5 until they fell apart and lost five straight late last season. An injured defense, already poor, was even more porous down the stretch. They’ll be better, but not that much. An 8-8 finish is a step short of the playoffs, but one in the right direction.

    vikesdouches

    MINNESOTA VIKINGS

    Five Fast Facts About the Vikings:

  • Chester Taylor mistakenly clicked on one of those Cartoon Yourself ads and now he’s stuck in an episode of Duckman.
  • Sage Rosenfels hates Brett Favre, just like you and me. Not because he’s a goy, but because he’s a SOUTHERN goy.
  • Percy Harvin, quite the weed aficionado, starts growing his own strain as a Viking called Major Glad.
  • Having traded in on the 2008 dick flashing trend and lacking ideas for the 2009 season, Visante Shiancoe continues showing his cock following each Vikings game, drawing mostly apathy from reporters. That is until he puts clown makeup on his cock in Week 11. That’ll change everything.
  • Bryant McKinnie’s nickname is Mount McKinnie. Mount McKinley’s nickname? Fuck you, it’s a mountain. No time for that prima donna shit. [Ed. note: Whoops.]

    Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

    Verdict: PUSH

    With the imminent signing of Brittfar, the Vikings, a still very talented team at most positions, are trading one horribly inept quarterback for another. Rosencopter will likely bail him out at one point, though he’s not a whole lot of an upgrade. No matter, as the weakness at QB can and will be exploited handily. If they deal well with early season suspensions to Pat and Kevin Williams, they’ll be all right. Nine or 10 wins sounds about right.