More Ragnar treachery to spur Drew’s bloodlust
It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering T.J. Houshmandzadeh making a stink about being only the sixth highest rated receiver in the NFC in the new Madden, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC North, where if you’re not downing 8,000 calories a day, you’re dropping precious pounds.
Like that forced grin is gonna last
CHICAGO BEARS
Five Fast Facts About Da Bears:
Jay Cutlerfucker has finally found a team where he can be appreciated, one with an outsized expectation to finally have a quarterback carry them on their shoulders and deliver wins seemingly out of nowhere. Yup, he’ll cave after three regular season pass attempts.
Greg Olsen hopes to benefit in a newfound Bears passing game. And if those benefits include underage girls, all the better.
Hoping to buck the impression that he’s an old guy, Orlando Pace logged onto Twitter the other day. The result: he and that porn bot following him are expecting four children already.
Nathan Vasher will take no more of your Vasher bashing, young lady.
The departure of Mike Brown leaves a gaping hole in the “effective safety when healthy but he’s usually hurt” slot in the Bears secondary. With a little gumption and some more bone spurs, Kevin Payne just might be that guy.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
Cutlerfucker will make the Bears better. How much? Marginally. But in a marginal division, that goes a long way, at least in the regular season. The defense doesn’t live up to its recent reputation, but it has enough to lead this team to a division title.
DETROIT LIONS
Five Fast Facts About the Lions:
Grady Jackson will eat all remaining foodstuffs in the Detroit area, thus engendering the cannibalism we have so longed for in this economy.
Larry Foote actually wanted to play for this team. No joke. He did. All 16 games. He means it. Okay, not fair of the camera to linger on him to make sure he keeps a straight face.
Maurice Morris missed his golden opportunity to star in the porn version of the Eminem vehicle, 8 Inch. In Gran Pornio, however, he will rectify this.
Ronald Curry sounds like an Indian version of Ronald McDonald. Always bothered me that he hasn’t embraced this.
Matt Stafford received $41.7 million in guaranteed money in his rookie contract, which will pan out to about a million dollars per completion percentage.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 5 wins
Verdict: UNDER
Five whole wins? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Lions fans. This is a better team than the historically inept one that spread disgrace on thick last year, but you’re still throwing Daunte Culpepper out there (assuming Stafford doesn’t start Week 1) with no discernible running back, no secondary and only a slightly better front seven. Baby steps.
GREEN BAY PACKERS
Five Fat Fast Facts About the Packers:
Jermichael Finley tried to cram Jermaine and Michael into one first name, did it, and spend a lifetime regretting it.
Hoping to spring back from injury plagued 2008 campaign, Atari Bigby sat down, read through the Bible, noted some key passages, mulled them over, prayed for convalescence, and was met in his sleep by the beneficent god of dreadlocks, who vowed to listen to his pleas and share them in exaggerated anecdotes with friends. End result: laughter from friends, no better health for Atari.
Former USC linebacker Clay Matthews pairs with former Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk to activate a water fountain. Matthews hits button while Hawk drinks. Sadly they figure this out after considerable effort out midway through the third quarter of Week 9’s game in Raymond James Stadium.
Aaron Rodgers had a good statistical season last year. Any chance he can repeat? I dunno, ask these wonderful STATISTICS you place so much import in. DON’T THEY JUST KNOW EVERYTHING!
Anthony Smith is really feeling this new Mos Def album. Sadly, he plans to listen to it in coverage.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins
Verdict: UNDER
The Pack were 5-5 until they fell apart and lost five straight late last season. An injured defense, already poor, was even more porous down the stretch. They’ll be better, but not that much. An 8-8 finish is a step short of the playoffs, but one in the right direction.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Five Fast Facts About the Vikings:
Chester Taylor mistakenly clicked on one of those Cartoon Yourself ads and now he’s stuck in an episode of Duckman.
Sage Rosenfels hates Brett Favre, just like you and me. Not because he’s a goy, but because he’s a SOUTHERN goy.
Percy Harvin, quite the weed aficionado, starts growing his own strain as a Viking called Major Glad.
Having traded in on the 2008 dick flashing trend and lacking ideas for the 2009 season, Visante Shiancoe continues showing his cock following each Vikings game, drawing mostly apathy from reporters. That is until he puts clown makeup on his cock in Week 11. That’ll change everything.
Bryant McKinnie’s nickname is Mount McKinnie. Mount McKinley’s nickname? Fuck you, it’s a mountain. No time for that prima donna shit. [Ed. note: Whoops.]
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins
Verdict: PUSH
With the imminent signing of Brittfar, the Vikings, a still very talented team at most positions, are trading one horribly inept quarterback for another. Rosencopter will likely bail him out at one point, though he’s not a whole lot of an upgrade. No matter, as the weakness at QB can and will be exploited handily. If they deal well with early season suspensions to Pat and Kevin Williams, they’ll be all right. Nine or 10 wins sounds about right.
Tags: chicago bears, Green Bay Packers, KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake, xmas ape, yes i know the vikings are going 3-13 this year, you poor Lions fans
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July 22nd, 2009 at 9:00 am
Nathan Vasher will take no more of your Vasher bashing, young lady.
Well played, my son.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:09 am
Thats alotta shittyness rapped up in one division
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:23 am
Love the Cutler Pic
Reporter: “So Jay, what’s your reaction to those that say the Vikings are the team to beat in this division?”
Jay: “Those opinions make me want to laugh”
/coughs
/forced grin and spits a little
“Well….you all know what laughter sounds like”
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:28 am
I didn’t know “Entourage” had a Minnesota chapter.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:34 am
That Packers fan pretty much sums up what I picture when someone mentions “Midwesterner” or “morbidly obese”…Funny how the two go hand-in-hand.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:36 am
That Packer fan picture is divine. ‘Specially where the chin strap cuts into his abyss of chin fat.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:36 am
We’re gonna need a “Gratuitous Simpsons” tag before these comments wind down. Five wins is monstrously high for the Lions. If the O/U was at 2 I’d at least be conflicted, though I’d probably still take the under. Larry Foote had the right idea only signing a one year deal, he can get out and still have some good years elsewhere. Stafford? Not so much. There is an oddly enjoyable perversion to being a Lions fan, because I know they’re going to be terrible (the chances of them not having a top 3 draft pick are vanishingly small) and yet I can’t wait for it to start.
Also, Mischa Barton is staring at me from the other Uproxx links with her creepy skull head, and she looks more than a little like the Michael Jackson photo three links to her right.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:48 am
That Packers fan looks like the bastard child of Charlie Weis.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:53 am
If I told you 3 years ago that you’d pen the idea that Rosencopter would be a marginal upgrade from Brittfar, you’d have laughed at me. Not that you don’t laugh at me anyway, but seriously…can you believe that thought has been transcribed?
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:11 am
It looks like packer fan is drinking a Miller Lite would would make sense because I’m sure he’s trying to watch his weight.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:11 am
A legend and an outta work bum look an awful lot alike daddy. —Little Enos Burdette
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:17 am
that fan with the cut out AJ Hawk/packers “stickers” on his nipples, why just there? you figure with all that fat on his body he’d want to put up a billboard for the highest bidder so he could get more cheese and beer…
and you know AJ Hawk is sitting there thinking “i can deal with my brother in law being a non-closeted/closted homo, because i can hit him whenever his shitty team comes to town, but now my name is being plastered over the internet on some fat dudes nipple? weak.”
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:21 am
Mount McKinley’s nickname? Fuck you, it’s a mountain. No time for that prima donna shit.
You kidding? It’s also known as Denali (”the Great One”). Mount McKinley actin’ all self-important just because it’s the tallest peak in North America. No thank you. If I’m building a mountain range from scratch, I’ll take a selfless, scrappy peak like Mt. Hood.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:24 am
Holy shit, Charlie Sweatpants is right. That’s fucked up.
Also, I’m going with Matt Forte to break 1,000 yards rushing and receiving this year. I mean seriously, Moutheyes has to get the lead out, and who else on that team can catch something other than a Drunkbeard floater?
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:25 am
Looks like Cutler stole Shanahan’s teeth.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:25 am
@CaptainCaveman: selfless, scrappy peak
Lofty peak?
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:26 am
Five whole wins? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Lions fans. This is a better team than the historically inept one that spread disgrace on thick last year, but you’re still throwing Daunte Culpepper out there (assuming Stafford doesn’t start Week 1) with no discernible running back, no secondary and only a slightly better front seven. Baby steps.
To be fair, Kevin Smith did have some money games down the stretch last year, so the Lions might have a running back. Still not winning 5 games though
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:30 am
+1 CC
And that clearly that portly Pack fan has clearly been packin the fudge from both ends, ultimately resulting in his manatee-esque shape.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
That Packers Fan is too funny. That wrist band is really a waist band from a pair of sweatpants.
/Please to note stretch marks acquire from raising arm that high! He’s still growing!!1
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:42 am
@Captain Caveman
Mt. Hood is often referred to as the David Eckstein of American Mountains.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:56 am
@Nate:
Extremely well spotted. Very nice…
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:20 am
Man, can someone other than petunia write these, that was horribly unfunny.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:22 am
I thought Drew was a Vikings fan.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:26 am
Two things:
1) Yes, Mischa Barton does look like Michael Jackson. Give it about twenty years, and we’ll be eagerly awaiting the toxicology report on what combination of painkillers and anti-depressants killed her too.
2) I think 10 wins is about the plateau for any team in this division. The division winner will be the first one to overcome their quarterback imploding down the stretch, as either Brittfar will start chucking up bad passes and interceptions, or Jay Cutler will pass out mid-huddle from low blood sugar, and is rushed an emergency Snickers.
/wishes the Colts were playing these clowns instead of the NFC West
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:35 am
Monkey, you are crazy optimistic on Ms. Barton. Anyone this trainwrecked this quick will have a 20 min. wait on toxicology. Which will have exceeded her 15 minutes of fame by 5 minutes if I did the math right.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:35 am
“wishes the Colts were playing these clowns instead of the NFC West”
Really? Because the NFC West is probably the only division in football worse than the NFC North. At least in that division you get 2 almost certain victories in SF and the Rams instead of just the one against Detroit. Plus you guys got the North last year and only went 2-2. Just sayin.
/Bears homer who hates when the NFC North is called the worst division in football while that abortion of a division to the West goes unnoticed
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:43 am
I wish I could have ended up in an episode of Duckmam
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:46 am
What’s up with the Blue Vikings jersey? If you’re gonna look like a douchebag, at least wear the right colors.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:48 am
That’s an NFC Pro Bowl jersey, I believe.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:51 am
Wait, that jersey has the stupid yellow collar, too. Guess I don’t know what the hell that is.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:51 am
That’s an NFC Pro Bowl jersey, I believe.
So the douchebag look was intentional, then?
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
I was thinking that it was a bread tie cutting superfan’s double chin into the rarer triple, but now I’m thinking it’s butcher’s string from the entire standing rib roast he ate at half-time.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Fun fact: 90% of obese people are fans of these four teams.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
“Fun fact: 90% of obese people are fans of these four teams.”
I’m guessing the Cleveland Browns fans alone would make that percentage inaccurate.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
“Fun fact: 90% of obese people are fans of these four teams.”
You’re completely forgetting about the AFC south.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Two Texas alums in one post. It’s like Christmas.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I’d rather have Shanahan’s teeth than moutheyes.
So how accurate were your 2008 prekakke predictions? And how did the Sports Gal do in comparison?
(Does anyone read that tool Bill Simmons anymore? I haven’t heard anyone giving a shit about him in quite some time.)
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:20 pm
NFC North Prekkake is missing something this year…I believe it is the presence of the Sex Cannon.
And that Packer fan is just a huge gigantic fat fuck. The embodiment of cheese kurd eating, beer guzzling (and chasing with lard), Brittfar worshipping asshatedness. I don’t know whether to laugh or be sick.
*He reminds me of that slobbering, titanic sized crying Giants fan from a few months back.
July 22nd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I’m still trying to figure out where they found that Lion fan. I heard conservationists are looking to preserve the species.
/hates living in detroit
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:02 pm
So how accurate were your 2008 prekakke predictions?
The answer is 8-16 against the spread (no predictions were made for the NFC North and NFC South)
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
• Fuck Brett Favre. Fuck Ragnar.
• That Packers fan is Wisconsin’s Secretary of Agriculture.
• Sage Rosenfels is only Jew-ish. His dad is a hippie, non-practising Red Sea Pedestrian and his mom is a hippie who’s always been keen on Jesus. Sage’s kids (Parsley, Rosemary and Thyme) are being raised tambourine-rattling Christian.
• “If I’m building a mountain range from scratch, I’ll take a selfless, scrappy peak like Mt. Hood.”
Mt. Hood is totally unreliable- it only shows up in fair weather.
July 22nd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
NFC West has been in 4 of the last 10 Super Bowls. NFC North only one (Bears).
/Can’t believe I’m making a case for the strength of the NFC West
/Hoping the Chickens pull it off this year
/Not fucking likely
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
@ Rhymes With Salmon
Simmons is leaving ESPN. Not sure if he’s giving up writing, but he’s leaving ESPN. Must not have been enough focus on the Boston teams for his liking. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Ronald Curry was traded this afternoon.
And fuck you guys, no RB for the Lions? Kevin Smith did great down the stretch on a shit team. If Moronelli hadn’t pulled him for Rudi half-a-yard fucking Johnson he would have easily gotten his 1000 yard season. Come on, you guys love Matt Forte, but Smith on an 0-16 team and with a 3rd world O-Line averaged more per carry and got the same amount of rushing TD’s.
Don’t give me that no RB bullshit.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Don’t give me that no RB bullshit.
Ok, no one cares enough about the Lions to give a shit about their RB situation.
Is that better?
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Thank God the all new rapey Steelers get to play this division. And the Visante Shiancoe cock/clown make-up line made me laugh-choke-spit.
By the way, really, 2 out of 4 assbags in Minnesota wear Antoine Winfeld jerseys?
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:47 pm
Fuck Brett Favre.
I’ve resigned myself to the dreadful, inevitable fact that Favre will be a Viking, but I remain optimistic that there will be plentiful tragedies in #4’s personal life that will inspire his play and push the Vikes to the top.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
If “Large” Steelers Woman and “Large” Green Bay Packers fan ever managed to copulate, their kids would make a great O-line.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Testes, testes
1, 2, 3?