Tard helmet, now in team colors.
It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.
HOUSTON TEXANS
Five Fast Facts About the Texans:
Due to new environs, Sexy Rexy has long been forced to abandon “no fat shemales” policy.
Tired of being a punchline, Dan Orlovsky redefines himself as a nonsequitur.
Cato June wishes he had known about all the wacky laws in Florida before he got his DUI.
Gary Kubiak is striving hard to unmake the Internet as we speak. Luckily Steve DeBerg is hot on his trail.
Fullback Boomer Grisby clearly missed his true calling as an acclaimed writer of Laura Ingalls Wilder slash fiction.
Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 8 Wins
VERDICT: Push.
Despite every year, by virtue of a promising finish, duping suckers (like me) into thinking they can eclipse their 8-8 record from the year before (and the year before that), the Texans inevitably stumble out of the gate, eliminate themselves midway through the season, then pad out their record over soft teams at the end of the year. I’VE FINALLY WISED UP COCKSLOTS!
/Texans go 12-4 just to spite me
LAND OF SHIT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
Five Fast Facts About the Colts:
Peyton’s apparently not famous enough to have his name spelled right in Canada
Bob Sanders just fractured his instep on that bullet point to the left.
Donald Brown was really shocked to learn that Lamar isn’t gay.
Undrafted Duke linebacker Mike Tauiliili has four I’s in his last name, an unfortunate coincidence that coaches chalk up to selfishness.
Uh oh, Jim Sorgi has some competition at the cushiest job in sports. That clipboard hand better be strong come camp time!
Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 10 wins
Verdict: PUSH
Conventional wisdom will tell you that Peyton alone could coach this team to 10 wins, and he’s going to have to because Jim Caldwell doesn’t look like he could inspire shit out of a goose.
She really should’ve had a bigger part in the Star Wars prequels.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
Five Fast Facts About the Jaguars:
Torry Holt couldn’t get Star Trek fans to stop raving about his snagglefinger at the multiplex this spring.
Silky Garrard is not at all comfortable with the premise of the HBO show Hung, wants some of that bitch’s profits.
Department of misnomers: Jeremy Mincey actually prances.
Now that he’s been released Matt Jones regrets having the Jacksonville Municipal Stadium crew use his cocaine to line the playing field.
With time freed up by Fred Taylor’s departure to New England, the Jags training staff creates a fake Jack Del Rio Twitter feed that perfectly lampoons that sneering jackass. But then Tra Thomas’ back goes out in Week 9 and it goes to shit.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins
Verdict: OVER
The Jags caught the brunt of a spate of injuries early last year (if you ask me, it was also karmic retribution for tossing huge contracts at Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson) and so long as they can avoid that, they should cobble together an improved result over last year’s disaster. I don’t think it would be a huge shock to see this team rebound to 9-7, but then I’m almost always fantastically wrong.
TENNESSEE TITANS
Five Fast Facts About the Titans:
Kerry Collins was only sacked eight times all of last regular season, however he did pass out drunk on his feet on at least six occasions.
Vince Young was dismayed that the Hurt Locker focused so much time on troops in Iraq and gave such short shrift to actually damaged lockers.
Kyle Vanden Bosch still has night terrors dating back to the first time that he saw a Fry Guy.
Tackle Cory Lekkerkerker’s last name is a KSK dream come true.
Happy now, Obama? The economy has forced Kige Ramsey to become an overpass troll.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins
Verdict: OVER
According to most, the departure of Albert Haynesworth augurs a nosedive for the Titans, but I don’t forsee that dramatic of a falloff. Unless Vince Young takes non garbage time snaps at QB, then, fuck it, they’re the new Lions.
Tags: indianapolis colts, jacksonville jaguars, KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake, No one cares about the Texans, tennessee titans, xmas ape
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July 13th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Thank god, its about time.
I take it when you’re not “covering Jessica Simpson dumping Romo the night before her birthday,” you’ll also not be covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, which is how the article reports it. Much as I can’t stand that guy, you have to admit, that’s some quality public humiliation right there.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
NO WAY IT’S TIME FOR THE PREKAKKE. Oh I’m going to make some dip or something in celebration.
Can I ask
AND ALSO was the papier-mache really necessary on that helmet? Couldn’t he just have, like, painted the helmet? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU TEXAS.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Ah, sorry, my crushing apathy caused me to flub the details there. Fixed now.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Oh great, you fixed it, now my comment makes no sense at all. How about if I amend it to just say: “Sex Cannon 4 MVP!”
July 13th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
goddamn it.
What I was GOING to ask with that middle sentence before my browser had an aneurysm was whether anyone knows what the Texans are going to do with the damn Sex Cannon. I mean, I know Matt Schaub is a total creampuff but he also ran one of the best passing games in the league last year. Is Grossman going to start? Does anyone know? Or care?
July 13th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Grossman’s on a league minimum deal. He’s fighting Dan Orlosky (and his “no shit they actually gave him 3mil a year” contract) to be Schaub’s backup.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
I fucking hate it when everybody in the AFC South is .500 or better
July 13th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
You all know that the absence of Jessica Simpson means a Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl Championship, right?
July 13th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
“She really should’ve had a bigger part in the Star Wars prequels.”
I know who you’re talking about, and I wholeheartedly agree. Is that weird?
July 13th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
environs?
nonsequitur?
Please quit making up words
July 13th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Never been to Houston – although from time to time I’m a man who enjoys a little Nashville.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Shake, that contract is proof that we live on a cold, cruel world. Grossman got something like $500K from the Texans; pretty crummy for a guy who took his team to the Super Bowl three years back. Orlovsky’s getting millions even though he’s best known for backing out of the end zone, and perhaps not known enough for QB’ing the last half of the worst season of professional football ever played.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Come on now, there is no way the league lets the manning face be burried in Kerry Collins’s behind all season.
The colts are back on top, but Light Blue Jesus runs away with teh fantasy title of “most times a rb gets fucked over in a goal line situation” this season. Lardass White is in for a Jerome Bettis type year.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I really enjoyed it when that Jags fan sang that opera/dance number in the 5th Element.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Nice to see that the Jags fan brought her flexible dildo to the game.
July 13th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Predictions:
- The Texans will shock people into mild amusement, which is an improvement over sheer apathy.
- The Colts will become the new Bengals now that Jesus Freek Tony Dungy ain’t around. Harrison and Manning become drug czars of the Midwest!
- The Jaguars will actually draw more than 25 fans to one of their games. Some might even pay attention!
- The Titans will practice shirts vs skins this season to please both Vince Young (who loves to practice shirtless) and Kerry Collins (who wants to be aware of non-whiteys around him at all times).
July 13th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Jags Girl gets the same attention at SciFi conventions when she dresses as Lara Croft or Slave Girl Leia.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
‘She really should’ve had a bigger part in the Star Wars prequels.’
“She really should’ve had bigger bewbs!
AMIRIGHT?!?! WHOZWITMEONDAT??!
July 13th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
@futuremrs:
Rex’s creampuffs will be slightly different.
/shows self out
July 13th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Houston is going to be epic this season. Sex Cannon has been blue balled for too long, and you know Shaub is going to bruise his twat, forcing Rexy into the line up. Hope you’re wearing gloves, Andre Johnson.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
How can they ALL be over 500? I call shenanigans.
/slinks back down into Mom’s basement with some gummy bears and a slurpee
July 13th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
How can they ALL be over 500? I call shenanigans.
They’re not. I said Houston would go 8-8. I think Jacksonville will go maybe 9-7 (if all goes well). Indy goes 10-6 and Tennessee 11-5. Not implausible.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
“How can they ALL be over 500? I call shenanigans.”
Because the West has: Denver (0-16), Kansas City (2-14), and Oakland (4-12).
July 13th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Not one but 2 divisions in the NFC all went .500 or better last year, rancid, and the AFC East came pretty close. So, if my “shenanigans” you mean “grossly imbalanced distribution of talent,” then yeah. Shenanigans.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins
Verdict: OVER
And Ape gets in line to be the latest to go broke betting on the Jaguars.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
The Saints could have beaten the Bears in Week 15 and the whole NFC South would have been over .500. Sorry I’m being a dork but I just had to see if it would have been possible… and that Week 15 game was really close, too, the Saints lost in OT…
So yeah, I’ll shut up now.
July 13th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I await photographic evidence of this slimmed down Lendale White.
July 13th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
PREKKAKE!! The light at the end of the tunnel…
I agree with all of these except Jacksonville. Del Rio is an obtuse moron and this will be his last year, and the team will eat shit all season long.
July 13th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
The real question is how the Colts will adjust to losing such a righteous spiritual leader.
July 13th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I hope Romo motorboated that shit before he gave her old heave ho.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Texans will totally go over 8 and the Jags have to go under. I think Titans go under though. That defense takes a step back, and the offense is nothing more than a run game.
Texans are gonna get 2nd place in that division. They just need to keep the same QB all year. Remember, they had the Colts beat and pulled the greatest choke job in history.
July 13th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
I’m surprised Ape doesn’t have the Steelers winning this division.
/zing!
July 13th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Good stuff… except for the implication that Chicago has better looking women than Houston.
I know it’s the internet, but come on.
July 13th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Ape is officially a superior football analysis than anyone of the FoxSports.com staff for not being a month behind in their “in-depth” Colts news and saying that the O will suffer from Tom Moore and Howard Mudd retiring (they will be back in the same roles with different titles when camp opens).
July 13th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Jags traded a late round pick for Williamson, they didn’t throw a huge deal at him – you’re thinking of Drayton Florence. Excited to finally see some Jags love on this site, only to have it butchered, thanks.
July 13th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
@Bentley Madison:
I agree that the AFC West will be terrible, but it shouldn’t have an bearing on the South, since they’re playing the North this year.
FIX YO’ KNOWLEDGE OF SCHEDULED OPPONENTS!
July 13th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Lekkerkerker > Tauiliili
/Scrabble’d
July 13th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I’VE BUTCHERED YOUR PRECIOUS JAGUAR LOVE!
/will never love again
July 13th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Andy said, re: the Texans:
Remember, they had the Colts beat and pulled the greatest choke job in history.
This is my favorite Rosencopter video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3_hi7gOjE0
I hope that Favre stays retired just so we can see Big Daddy Drew’s reaction when Rosenfels displays this type of quality decision making in Minnesota.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The Jags are going to scrape the bottom of the AFC South, Jack Del Rio gets fired midway through the season, and the Ajgs move to LA, creating the increasingly misnamed AFC South.
The Texans will continue to underachieve and top out at 9 wins. No reason, just because.
The Titans will miss Haynesworth more than anyone seems to admit, Chris Johnson will no longer surprise anyone, and LenWhale will miss the season following the McRib around the country.
The Colts will win somewhere between 12 and 16 games, earn a first round bye, and ride a late season return of an injured comrade to another Super Bowl win.
Go ahead, try and tell me that it couldn’t happen.
July 14th, 2009 at 1:46 am
And this week in “Who Cares?” —–>The AFC South.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:31 am
MJD is Christ.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:44 am
This prekkake was clearly devoid of all things Trigger Harrison and his lack of options at returning to laying up on passes over the middle for another NFL franchise with lax gun policies in the locker room.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:03 am
so you are saying the AFC South is going to have 37+ wins?
July 14th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Munciple? Really? Really? Wow.
Everytime I look at the LenDale picture I think of this:
“I got some ice cream, I got some ice cream and you can’t have none, and you can’t have none…cause…you’re on the welfare.” Gotta love Delirious.
Romo dumping Jessica Simpson is the best news I’ve heard since Sunday. In the immortal words of Eli Manning, “THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET.”
/celebrates by enjoying 80 degree, no humidity weather
July 14th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
“I hope Romo motorboated that shit before he gave her old heave ho.”
He probably got sick of asking her Dad to move so he could . . .
July 14th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Since finding out Sexy Rexy is a Texan I am scheduling around preseason games, even my wife wants to see more of Sexy Rexy and I mean in KSK not the actual Love Missile, see Sexy Rexy creates this kind of sentiments.
July 14th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
@ Leigh, if he actually held that he got it… Aint too many QB’s succeeding on that one. Epic fail.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Screw the winning percentages of the AFC South teams…I want statistics on how many Texan, Colt, Titan, and Jag cheerleaders are going to be impregnated by the Sex Cannon. Player’s and coaching staff’s wives/daughters are already on high alert.
Taste the Beast!
July 15th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Since Orlovsky was mentioned, I HAD to link this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGs1VuT6FEw
I just love how the announcer says Orlovsky was “forced out of the end zone by … Jared Allen,” though it begs the question: Why on earth was a tight end blocking him when this play started on the one-toenail line?
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Fuck yea the Sex Cannon better start. Tom Brady is back, Vick’s sentence is over with and T.O. is with the Bills. But do real NFL fans really care? Fuck no! What do we really want to see? the Sex Cannon of course. Mark my words the Texans 2009 season will be filled with (and in no particular order) blood lust, satanic worship of the Sex Cannon, Matt Schuab going down in the first Quarter of week one, 4 int’s by Dan fuck his last name and bring in the Sex Cannon, sex drugs and rock n roll, a huge apology from Bears fans, every social problem in the city of Houston being wiped out by a 75 yard TD pass, playoff hopes and dreams being relized in Houston, melt-down of Peyton Manning, the Colts going 6-10, high speed WR’s, the city of Houston becoming the new Los Angeles, kinky sexcapades, wild cheerleaders looking for cocaine and self destruction, human sacrifice, suicidial defensive linemen, armed robberies, riots and football revolution.