texanshelmet
Tard helmet, now in team colors.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.

HOUSTON TEXANS

Five Fast Facts About the Texans:

  • Due to new environs, Sexy Rexy has long been forced to abandon “no fat shemales” policy.
  • Tired of being a punchline, Dan Orlovsky redefines himself as a nonsequitur.
  • Cato June wishes he had known about all the wacky laws in Florida before he got his DUI.
  • Gary Kubiak is striving hard to unmake the Internet as we speak. Luckily Steve DeBerg is hot on his trail.
  • Fullback Boomer Grisby clearly missed his true calling as an acclaimed writer of Laura Ingalls Wilder slash fiction.

    Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 8 Wins

    VERDICT: Push.

    Despite every year, by virtue of a promising finish, duping suckers (like me) into thinking they can eclipse their 8-8 record from the year before (and the year before that), the Texans inevitably stumble out of the gate, eliminate themselves midway through the season, then pad out their record over soft teams at the end of the year. I’VE FINALLY WISED UP COCKSLOTS!

    /Texans go 12-4 just to spite me

    peytongitrdone

    LAND OF SHIT INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

    Five Fast Facts About the Colts:

  • Peyton’s apparently not famous enough to have his name spelled right in Canada
  • Bob Sanders just fractured his instep on that bullet point to the left.
  • Donald Brown was really shocked to learn that Lamar isn’t gay.
  • Undrafted Duke linebacker Mike Tauiliili has four I’s in his last name, an unfortunate coincidence that coaches chalk up to selfishness.
  • Uh oh, Jim Sorgi has some competition at the cushiest job in sports. That clipboard hand better be strong come camp time!

    Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 10 wins

    Verdict: PUSH

    Conventional wisdom will tell you that Peyton alone could coach this team to 10 wins, and he’s going to have to because Jim Caldwell doesn’t look like he could inspire shit out of a goose.

    tealjagsfan
    She really should’ve had a bigger part in the Star Wars prequels.

    JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

    Five Fast Facts About the Jaguars:

  • Torry Holt couldn’t get Star Trek fans to stop raving about his snagglefinger at the multiplex this spring.
  • Silky Garrard is not at all comfortable with the premise of the HBO show Hung, wants some of that bitch’s profits.
  • Department of misnomers: Jeremy Mincey actually prances.
  • Now that he’s been released Matt Jones regrets having the Jacksonville Municipal Stadium crew use his cocaine to line the playing field.
  • With time freed up by Fred Taylor’s departure to New England, the Jags training staff creates a fake Jack Del Rio Twitter feed that perfectly lampoons that sneering jackass. But then Tra Thomas’ back goes out in Week 9 and it goes to shit.

    Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

    Verdict: OVER

    The Jags caught the brunt of a spate of injuries early last year (if you ask me, it was also karmic retribution for tossing huge contracts at Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson) and so long as they can avoid that, they should cobble together an improved result over last year’s disaster. I don’t think it would be a huge shock to see this team rebound to 9-7, but then I’m almost always fantastically wrong.

    lendalemad

    TENNESSEE TITANS

    Five Fast Facts About the Titans:

  • Kerry Collins was only sacked eight times all of last regular season, however he did pass out drunk on his feet on at least six occasions.
  • Vince Young was dismayed that the Hurt Locker focused so much time on troops in Iraq and gave such short shrift to actually damaged lockers.
  • Kyle Vanden Bosch still has night terrors dating back to the first time that he saw a Fry Guy.
  • Tackle Cory Lekkerkerker’s last name is a KSK dream come true.
  • Happy now, Obama? The economy has forced Kige Ramsey to become an overpass troll.

    Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

    Verdict: OVER

    According to most, the departure of Albert Haynesworth augurs a nosedive for the Titans, but I don’t forsee that dramatic of a falloff. Unless Vince Young takes non garbage time snaps at QB, then, fuck it, they’re the new Lions.