It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time gushing over Jeff George’s Uncle Rico-esque comeback tape, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the AFC North, where you’re either running over pedestrians while drunk, getting slapped with rape allegations, ratting out your friends to escape murder charges, or playing for the Bengals and doing all of the above.
The things you’ll stoop to when Vinny Testaverde still has the best statistical season as a quarterback in your franchise’s history.
BALTIMORE RAVENS
Five Fast Facts About the Ravens:
Haloti Ngata draws upon the lessons of his Mormon faith to take on multiple blockers at once.
The once illiterate Michael Oher and Harvard educated Matt Birk will be starting on the same offensive line. It’s just that kind of cloying yet meaningless contrast that will be beaten into the ground all season long.
If the NFL wants to maximize ratings, they better make sure the Ravens get to Super Bowl XLIV, lest Bmore fans organize another boycott. “We only got one critical call in the playoff game against the Titans! Why can’t we get all of them!? Waaaaaahhhhhhh!”
Domonique Foxworth had a rough time with the Broncos and Falcons, BUT NOW HIS LUCK IS STARTING TO CHANGE!
Terrell Suggs is now the highest paid linebacker in the NFL, proving once again that the life of a bounty hunter can be a lucrative and glamorous one.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
History suggests that the Ravens fall on their knives during odd-numbered years, but these assholes should be good enough to have a winning record in 2009, even if Mark Clayton is their no. 1 receiver going into the season. That is, UNLESS THE REFS COST THEM EVERY GAME! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY!
Very considerate of the Bungles to come up with a word to describe their shitty style of play
CINCINNATI BENGALS
Five Fast Facts About the Bengals:
The new rules for hitting defenseless receivers doesn’t faze Roy Williams, seeing as how they’re already past him anyway.
Laveranues Coles is already asking Carson Palmer to grow his hair out a little, and maybe switch to the number 10, and put a bit more touch on his passes and what’s wrong with wearing this Chad Pennington mask all the time?
Chad Ocho Cinco has been told by the league that he can’t communicate through Twitter during games. But they didn’t say nothing about smoke signals.
Stricken by a bout of the vainglory, J.T. O’Sullivan endeavors to create a placard of his likeness so large, it can be viewed for seven furlongs and will inspire scabrous thoughts in the womenfolk.
Cedric Benson couldn’t cut it on a UFL team, so the Bengals will have to do.
Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 6 wins
Verdict: PUSH
People seem to think they’ll be better this year. After all, Denzel gave Ocho a stern talking-to. How could that not work?
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Hey, good news! No matter how many passes Braylon Edwards drops this season, he’s not the most disgraced Browns wideout! Well, maybe, give it time.
The Browns notoriously choose Charlie Frye as their starter by the result of a coin flip before the ‘07 season. Vowing to never let that happen again, Eric Mangini will stand before Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn and go with whichever one more closely resembles his McGriddle shirt stain.
Brian Robiskie is somehow the only Ohio State player on their roster. Isn’t there some kind of mandatory minimum like the CFL has with Canadian players on each team?
Hank Poteat, the only NFL defensive back who comes in a mystery bag at the dollar store.
Shaun Smith may not be related to Steve Smith, but they enjoy punching the same people.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 7 wins
Verdict: UNDER
The Browns, expected contenders in 2008, spent the whole year underachieving and then just not caring towards the end. Stands to reason they would have a chance to rebound the next year, but Eric Mangini has already done everything he can to alienate the team he’s inheriting. Credit Josh McDaniels and Brad Childress for taking all the coach-induced team implosion focus off him this offseason.
The Pussy Monsta-Pussy Ravager two-pack.
PICKSBURGH STILLERS
Five Fast Facts About the Steelers:
Michael Vick is all set to become the next Kordell, only marginally less disastrous! Florio said so himself with airtight logic! Because Tomlin worked with Dungy once! And Dungy is counseling Vick! TAKE IT TO THE BANK!
After memorably frustrating rookie seasons, Rashard Mendenhall and Limas Sweed bounce back to have merely forgettable sophomore campaigns.
Shaun McDonald feels blessed to have left the Lions for the reigning Super Bowl champs. Now if he could only figure out who Ryan Leceivel is.
Lawrence Timmons thinks his coach could do well by getting a visor, lean meat protein and persistent late season injuries.
The “Sixburgh” stuff was barely tolerable and I love this team, but the “Stairway to Seven” slogans are gonna have me committing intra-fanbase bookkake left and right.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 10.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
They went 12-4 with a more difficult schedule last year and all they lost was Bryant McFadden, Larry Foote and Nate Washington, who’ve all been sufficiently replaced. They also don’t have the worst punter in the world anymore with Spatula returning. Barring a huge spate of injuries, they should be good for 11+ wins. Everyone will talk about what a huge distraction the civil suit is going to be. Notice that with no criminal complaint filed and ESPN finally having reported on it, the story is pretty much already gone from the news this week. There’s no police investigation to report on, hence nothing driving the story. Plus, (The) Ben has the preseason to get used to defenders and opposing fans yelling stupid shit like “RAPISTBERGER!” at him. Not to say it can’t be a distraction, but it doesn’t look to be a huge one when any trial wouldn’t take place until this time next year.
Tags: cincinnati bengals, Cleveland Browns, FEARSOME RAVENS FANS, KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake, picksburgh stillers, xmas ape
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July 28th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Why do Steelers dresses only have the logo on one side?
July 28th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Am I the only one missing the last piece of the Bengals part? I mean, I know it’s only the Bengals, but fat girls need love too. They just have to pay for it, right?
July 28th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
And nevermind. That Steelers line seems low to me.
July 28th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Just added it.
July 28th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Ben has the preseason to get used to defenders and opposing fans yelling stupid shit like “RAPISTBERGER!”
/still plans on marketing “BEN DOVER” signs
July 28th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Haven’t read the post yet, but that dress is FANTASTIC. I think the logo is perfectly sized to cover her gaping asshole! YAY!
July 28th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Ryan Leceivel….quality.
July 28th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I didn’t “organize a boycott.” I just didn’t watch that bullshit. Still a sound decision.
July 28th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Shouldn’t that be intra-fanbase bookkake?
July 28th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Singing “Starway to Seven” can only lead to singing “Eight Is Enough”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWMJoV0ozIM
July 28th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Great job there Delta teaming up with the Bengals. That’s a winning combination like no other.
/calls broker
//immediately sells all Delta stock
“GET BEN’T” should be the new sign for the 2009 season in Pittsburgh. Just sayin’
July 28th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THIS BULLSHIT DIVISION?
BRETT FAVRE STAYS RETIRED VIKINGS SUPERBOWL YES YES YES’
OH GOD IM CUMMING HHHHHHHHNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
July 28th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Congrats Vikings Fans you’ve just been ass raped by the Land Baron. HaHaHaHaHaHaHa
July 28th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Rapistberger? I prefer Benetration.
You realize the Steelers will only win 4 games now this year after your homer post, correct?
July 28th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
@TPT – “Congrats Vikings Fans you’ve just been ass raped by the Land Baron. HaHaHaHaHaHaHa”
Land Barons and Dirt Burglars are from Oklahoma. Favaro is from Mississippi. FIX YOUR STATES KNAWLEDGE.
July 28th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Stairway to Seven? Isn’t that what Damesheck calls the ladder he climbs to give Rongrastname a hummer?
July 28th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
@PJD
FIX YO KNOWLEDGE OF KSK NICKNAMES!
July 28th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Looking at those Steeler dolls, it looks like Ben is going to grab himself two huge handfuls of Santonio ass. Will the sexual assault never end?
(Please don’t yell at me again, Ape. I’m a fragile, delicate flower!)
July 28th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
“Goddammit, J.L.! They’re not Steelers DOLLS, they’re Steelers ACTION FIGURES!”
- Ape
July 28th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
I guess that Palin/Farve joke I told earlier hurt his feelings.
July 28th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Hate to be a buzzkill, but Eagles DC Jim Johnson just died of cancer at age 68. Bummer.
July 28th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Sorry Westbrook. Clearly he will be missed. And we unfortunately will have PK slobber upcoming too.
July 28th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
So BDD gets to continue hating Favraro with none of the self-loathing that’d have come with the Cumslinger in Purple?
RIP JJ.
July 28th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
oh, the King tears will be plentiful and delicious.
DRINK, KSK. Drink and be merry for the Land Baron has admitted defeat.
/medieval’d
July 28th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Westbrook — pretty damn depressing. Watching Johnson’s insane blitzing schemes each week was always entertaining as hell and one of the main reasons for the team’s success, just won’t be the same this year.
July 28th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
You also can’t fault Vick, that many lonely months in jail will turn anyone into the next Kordell.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I really just want an O’Sullivan post now.
July 28th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Thanks for the plug. Wait. What? Damnit that’s copyright infringement or something.
/shambles away
July 28th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Boy, it does not get any classier than a Steelers logo right over your asshole.
Does it have some sort of hidden entry under there so that she doesn’t have to take off the dress to take it up the butt? I can’t imagine any other logical reason to have a team logo in that location. Does she have one over each tit on the front of the dress? Inquiring minds and all that…
July 29th, 2009 at 12:55 am
You let Ape cover his own division? Gay. I love how the three other teams have funny writeups and the Stillers is all serious about Ben Rapesburgher and 12 wins. Gay.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:54 am
@ CoI
“Stillers is all serious about Ben Rapesburgher”
I plan to say that every time somebody asks me how I think the Steelers will preform at any given time.
July 29th, 2009 at 9:25 am
You let Ape cover his own division? Gay.
Unsilent’s doing the NFC East, Ufford’s doing the NFC West and flubby has the AFC West. So it’s not like I’m the only one covering the division where his favorite team resides. And while the prediction is “all serious” there’s plenty of jokes in the Steelers section.
Your comment? Gay.
July 29th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Fuck the Steelers. Those assbites are going to repeat. That drives me crazy.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Why do Ben Roethisberger’s eye hurt after he has sex?
…from the mace, of course!
July 29th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Why do Ben Roethisberger’s eye hurt after he has sex?
… b/c he looked at Andrea McNulty’s face, of course!
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Tomlinson’s Pain Tolerance – That’s mean…..but pretty funny.