I’m Free, Bitch!
Oh, man.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, SHIT.
I am goddamn HIGH!
Hoof!
And I’m free! Ain’t nothin’ like being high and staring at the sun! Hi sun! How the fuck you doin’?
DAMN, THAT’S BRIGHT!
Well, thank God that shit’s over with. Now, I can finally get back to bein’ the Michael Vick everyone knows and loves. The one that makes Roddy White worthless for fantasy purposes! Lemme just get out the ol’ to-do list here. Let’s see what MV7 has got to do.
1. Get HIGH
2. Get Mr. Home Depot Man to loan Michael $50 million
3. Fight dogs!
3. Fight, like, things besides dogs and shit
4. Buy parrot
5. See if parrots can fight, because if they can fight AND be trash talkin’, that’d be some shit
6. Hire quarterback tutor, improve running motion and stutter step
7. See what this Twitter shit all about
8. Get the dick wet
9. Eat more Chap Stik
10. Meet with commish! 7/23, 11:00AM
Hmm. 7/23. 11:00AM. Why does that time and date seem familiar to me?
/looks at clock
OH SNAP! THAT’S NOW!
/runs to commish’s office, dodges multiple cars, tries throwing burrito wrapper into trash can and hits a lamp post
Commish: Hello, Michael.
MV7: Hello, Mr. Commissioner Man. Sorry I am late. I am deeply regretful. I know I have hurt many people with my lateness. I promise that I will never be late again.
Commish: Oh well, jolly good. Sit down.
MV7: You got it.
Commish: Now Michael, before I fully reinstate you, I wanted to meet with you face to face.
MV7: Well, here’s my face!
Commish: As you know, you’ve lied to me here in the past. So this is a chance for you to be honest with me. Fresh start. Do you think you’ve been rehabilitated?
MV7: Rehabilitated? Well, now let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means. There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone and this old man is all that’s left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It’s just a hot dog.
Commish: A hot dog?
MV7: SHIT! I meant to say that I don’t give a shit.
Commish: You don’t give a shit?
MV7: No, wait! God dammit! See, this is why Morgan Freeman is so clutch. Listen, Mr. Commissioner Man, I know what I did was wrong. Fighting dogs is wrong. I was wrong. That was wrong. I feel wrong. I’ve committed a great wrong. There is much wrongness is what I’ve done. If I could erase the wrongocity of my actions, I would. I feel very wrongly about this. WRONG.
Commish: What’s this about you and Allen Iverson patronizing a strip club?
MV7: Oh, that ain’t nothin’ but some bitches.
Commish: What?
MV7: I mean, that was wrongful.
Commish: Okay, Michael. You’ve made your case. Not all that eloquently, but I know you spoke from the heart. So I am compelled to grant you conditional reinstatement.
MV7: FUCK YEAH! I’M BACK, BITCH! CAN’T NOBODY DO WHAT I DO! WAIT TILL GREG KNAPP GETS A LOAD OF MY ASS FAKE! (wiggles ass) I LEARNED THAT IN JAIL! AIN’T NO DICK CATCH THIS ASS!
Commish: Provided you present yourself with humility and grace.
MV7: Oh. Yes. I will do that and shit. You got my word, Sizzurp.
Commish: Okay, you can go.
MV7: Oh, you won’t regret this, Mr. Commissioner Man. MV7 IS READY TO SHINE ONCE AGAIN! HE’S GONNA TAKE THAT FIELD LIKE A CRAZED DOG!
Commish: A what?
MV7: LIKE A CRAZED GUINEA PIG! G-FORCE AND SHIT!
Photo via The Onion
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, michael vick, weed, welcome back returnerboy
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
I missed him so much!
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:14 am
Ain’t no dick catch this ass.
That brought a tear to my eye. Thanks, Drew.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
Just seeing that picture makes me happy
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:29 am
Hire quarterback tutor, improve running motion and stutter step
slow clap.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
oh Mr. Mexico, how ive missed u
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
Starting at left end, for YOOUUUUURRRRR Sacramento Terminators……….
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
Well, it makes sense that MV7 wouldn’t be a reciever in prison. Had to work on that throwing motion for his UFL tryout.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
I find myself so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
“Oh. Yes. I will do that and shit. You got my word, Sizzurp”
lofty
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:46 am
In his defense, Morgan Freeman is pretty clutch.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:49 am
Outstanding. Overthrown screen passes and 5 yard TE out patterns thrown into the dirt three feet in front of the target never looked so pretty. What a great day for social justice and equality for all.
/seriously – Vick sucks dick at Quarterback
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:55 am
Oh, that ain’t nothin’ but some bitches.
Bitches, indeed.
Just that doctored picture of him holding the weed makes me laugh.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
5. See if parrots can fight, because if they can fight AND be trash talkin’, that’d be some shit
Hmmm. That WOULD be some shit.
*starts thinking*
…
*picks up phone*
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
This post has brought a smile to my face in aniticipation of someone taking him in FFB drafts just in case he comes back strong.
/Do UFL stats count towards FFB team performance?
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I hate Mike Vick with the intensity of a thousand, white-hot fires. I hate everything about him. I hate that he was a Falcon, I hate that he is Aaron Brooks’s cousin, I hate that he is now free.
I hate him like Drew hates Brittfar.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I like the parrot angle, but for a second, I thought we were going to be treated to Ookie’s Palace of Hot Dog Fighting.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
“runs to commish’s office, dodges multiple cars, tries throwing burrito wrapper into trash can and hits a lamp post”
/falling out of office chair laughing
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
“Hi sun! How the fuck you doin’?”
I yell that at the top of my lungs every morning.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Finally a little bit of Good Newz for ol’ Sore Lips Ronnie
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
@ TurleyGirlie
No one hates anything the way Drew hates Brittfar. His hate is so rich that I could live off it for three days if stranded on a desert island
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I’m sure some Hotdog fighting went on while he was in prison
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Bet on Bratwurst.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Vick speaks better than most of my online graduate students write.
/Grading finals
//Hates life
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Michael Vick doesn’t respect the sun.
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
In the Vick household, football fever is spreading like wild fever!
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
I gotta be honest. I was not surprised about the strip club story. But the head scratching was thus: 1) PacMan and lots of trouble and strip clubs were stories. 2) I have to assume they get news in pen. 3) Either MV7 is dumber than a box of rocks or so egocentric he didn’t see the pattern he was continuing with Mr. Commish. Yea, lying and dog fighting isn’t strippers, but a little good behaviour for a month would not be amiss, am I right?
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
‘Just that doctored picture of him holding the weed makes me laugh’
What makes you think it’s doctored?
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I think Morgan Freeman may actually, finally define clutch.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
@Boatdrinks:
Strippers = bad behavior?
nooooooooooooooooooooooes!
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Good stuff. I was kinda of expecting Vick’s character to not be fully out of prison mode, and therefore trying to mount Godell for a pack of cigarettes during his hearing, ala: Next Friday.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I just wish Jack Tatum was still in his prime. If anyone every deserved a wheelie spot, it’s Ron Mexico.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Obviously, I meant “ever”.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
“Ain’t no dick catch this ass.”
That’s b/c even the idiots in jail don’t want to catch Herpes from Ron Mexico. Valtrex must be hard to get ahold of in the slammer.
/anyone gowing to the Bad News Kennels grand reopenning this Friday?
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
“Oh, man.
Oh, Lord.”
Oh YES! I cannot express my glee. It’s back!
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:41 pm
“I’m gonna shine!”
Did Vick hang out with Pacman a lil bit in jail?
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:51 pm
He could play for the Saints- cockfighting is still legal in Louisiana.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:18 pm
4. Buy parrot
5. See if parrots can fight, because if they can fight AND be trash talkin’, that’d be some shit
sounds a little ocho no?
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
8. Get the dick wet
2 years in the joint and this is only number 8 on the list? i’ve seen that fine ass baby-mama he has and she’d be re-pregnant on my first night home if it was me.
/nevermind. i aint fuckin nothing Ron Mexico already fucked
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:48 pm
/c-student: i’m with you. for a man whose faculties have been blunted by a lifetime of cannabis consumption, mv7’s to-do list is much too logically sequential.
as for what happens to him: thanks for tuning in to fox sports’ presentation of the first regular season game broadcast from jerry jones’s taj football here in arlington, texas (?!). starting for the cowboys at quarterback today against the buccaneers will be michael vick, late of the federal penal system. we believe mr vick will represent everything we’ve come to expect from years of government training.
drew: i hope you don’t get tired of this gig anytime soon because you are seriously good at what you do, and you are a joy to read. anymore, this is an increasingly rare combination, and one not to be taken for granted by those fortunate enough to encounter it. thanks for your hard work and what it produces.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:11 pm
I was worried Mike Vick might not make it when he saw “Aaron Brooks Was Here” carved into the woodwork above his room, but in the end I was glad he made it to ZihuataRonMexico.
July 26th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
G-Force & Shit… out new go to line.
“And the stars looked like those million little dots on Morgan Freeman’s face.”