Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, SHIT.

I am goddamn HIGH!

Hoof!

And I’m free! Ain’t nothin’ like being high and staring at the sun! Hi sun! How the fuck you doin’?

DAMN, THAT’S BRIGHT!

Well, thank God that shit’s over with. Now, I can finally get back to bein’ the Michael Vick everyone knows and loves. The one that makes Roddy White worthless for fantasy purposes! Lemme just get out the ol’ to-do list here. Let’s see what MV7 has got to do.

1. Get HIGH
2. Get Mr. Home Depot Man to loan Michael $50 million
3. Fight dogs!
3. Fight, like, things besides dogs and shit
4. Buy parrot
5. See if parrots can fight, because if they can fight AND be trash talkin’, that’d be some shit
6. Hire quarterback tutor, improve running motion and stutter step
7. See what this Twitter shit all about
8. Get the dick wet
9. Eat more Chap Stik
10. Meet with commish! 7/23, 11:00AM

Hmm. 7/23. 11:00AM. Why does that time and date seem familiar to me?

/looks at clock

OH SNAP! THAT’S NOW!

/runs to commish’s office, dodges multiple cars, tries throwing burrito wrapper into trash can and hits a lamp post

herr-goodell

Commish: Hello, Michael.

MV7: Hello, Mr. Commissioner Man. Sorry I am late. I am deeply regretful. I know I have hurt many people with my lateness. I promise that I will never be late again.

Commish: Oh well, jolly good. Sit down.

MV7: You got it.

Commish: Now Michael, before I fully reinstate you, I wanted to meet with you face to face.

MV7: Well, here’s my face!

Commish: As you know, you’ve lied to me here in the past. So this is a chance for you to be honest with me. Fresh start. Do you think you’ve been rehabilitated?

MV7: Rehabilitated? Well, now let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means. There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone and this old man is all that’s left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It’s just a hot dog.

Commish: A hot dog?

MV7: SHIT! I meant to say that I don’t give a shit.

Commish: You don’t give a shit?

MV7: No, wait! God dammit! See, this is why Morgan Freeman is so clutch. Listen, Mr. Commissioner Man, I know what I did was wrong. Fighting dogs is wrong. I was wrong. That was wrong. I feel wrong. I’ve committed a great wrong. There is much wrongness is what I’ve done. If I could erase the wrongocity of my actions, I would. I feel very wrongly about this. WRONG.

Commish: What’s this about you and Allen Iverson patronizing a strip club?

MV7: Oh, that ain’t nothin’ but some bitches.

Commish: What?

MV7: I mean, that was wrongful.

Commish: Okay, Michael. You’ve made your case. Not all that eloquently, but I know you spoke from the heart. So I am compelled to grant you conditional reinstatement.

MV7: FUCK YEAH! I’M BACK, BITCH! CAN’T NOBODY DO WHAT I DO! WAIT TILL GREG KNAPP GETS A LOAD OF MY ASS FAKE! (wiggles ass) I LEARNED THAT IN JAIL! AIN’T NO DICK CATCH THIS ASS!

Commish: Provided you present yourself with humility and grace.

MV7: Oh. Yes. I will do that and shit. You got my word, Sizzurp.

Commish: Okay, you can go.

MV7: Oh, you won’t regret this, Mr. Commissioner Man. MV7 IS READY TO SHINE ONCE AGAIN! HE’S GONNA TAKE THAT FIELD LIKE A CRAZED DOG!

Commish: A what?

MV7: LIKE A CRAZED GUINEA PIG! G-FORCE AND SHIT!

Photo via The Onion