Hey Pussy, Sorry About That Time I Called You a Pussy
Brian Urlacher: Hey there, Jay. Can I get a word with you?
Jay Cutler: Huh? Now? Oh, all right Brian. What’s going on? I mean, not that I care. Whatever. Stuff sucks.
Brian Urlacher: Jay, dude, I wanna be straight with you. We gotta clear the air. You’re gonna hear a lot of noise about how I called you a pussy. Bobby Wade is shooting his mouth off. I don’t know if you heard yet.
Jay Cutler: Yeah, people like to lie about stuff like that. I don’t care. I never really believed that anyway.
Brian Urlacher: Well you should, because it’s true. I absolutely called you a pussy on at least two dozen occasions.
Jay Cutler: What?
Brian Urlacher: Oh yeah. Pretty much anytime your name came up, I’d be, like, “You know who’s the biggest gaping gash in the NFL? No contest – Cedric Benson.” But then I’d say you were a close second. Then I’d call my kid a pussy ’cause that’s what the whore I fucked is turning him into.
Jay Cutler: [sighs] So you think I’m a pussy?
Brian Urlacher: Oh, fuck, totally. But here’s my promise to you – I will never again call you a pussy so long as you are the starting quarterback of this football team. And so long as we are in the playoff hunt. Team chemistry is simply too valuable a thing to compromise just to be able to say what everyone is thinking.
Jay Cutler: Why’m I a pussy though?
Brian Urlacher: Oh, fuck, really? We gotta do this? Okay – it’s your pussy haircut, your pussy demeanor, your pussy attitude, your pussy words, your pussy vagina. All of it. It acts bands together to generate an unmistakable presence of twat.
Jay Cutler: [Sulks]
Brian Urlacher: So we cool now? We gonna be okay after this?
Jay Cutler: I guess.
Brian Urlacher: Glad to hear it, faggot. Now get your faggy mopey ass out there and win us some games. [Slaps him hard on back]
Tags: brian urlacher, Cutlerf*cker, they should have an honor du-el, xmas ape
July 29th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
If anyone can identify the unmistakable presence of twat, it’s a man who’s seen Paris Hilton’s vag up close and lived to tell the tale.
Seriously, I heard you have to wear a spelunker’s helmut when you go in there. It’s bigger than Carlsbad Caverns. Has more bats, too.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
I was disappointed not to see a door fly open at the end of this post.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
In Sulker’s defense, he never claimed to not be a pussy.
/Barb-Wired
July 29th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Hey Pussy, Sorry About That Time I Called You A Pussy-
Same thing my dad said to me the day after I wrecked my dirt bike and cried
July 29th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I thought about dropping Marmalard in there, but it would have been hard thinking up an excuse for him to be in Bears camp.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Don’t forget about the pussy diabetes.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I think we’d all be cool with a little editing to get Marmalard in there. Maybe he was in the Chicago-area speaking to kids at an abstinence rally.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
We all love Marmlard Ape, but don’t force it. King Laserface has a long season ahead of him.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
And we all love Marmalard too.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Oh Jesus please let the Bears start 0-3.
The follow up post with Urlacher/J-Cut would be tremendous.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Hey Pussy, Sorry About That Time I Called You a Pussy
Well, at least he’s apologetic.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Didn’t Bobby Wade say something last year about some Bear saying they didn’t belong in the playoffs? I mean that it wasn’t true or anything, but didn’t he sort of have a vested interest in it seeing as he was a member of the one NFC team with a shot at the playoffs that deserved it less than the Bears?
July 29th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Post should’ve ended with “Ow-w! Don’t hit me so hard. /Sulks away.” I mean, if you want to capture his pussiness.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Oh, fuck, really? We gotta do this? Okay – it’s your pussy haircut, your pussy demeanor, your pussy attitude, your pussy words, your pussy vagina.
That made me LOL.
July 29th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
- Yea, he called me a pussy! I’m not a pussy, you’re a pussy.
- You’re a pussy, pussy!
July 29th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Marmalard could have been at Bears camp to give their linebackers a talk about abstinence.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
“Then I’d call my kid a pussy ’cause that’s what the whore I fucked is turning him into.”
And that was when Cutler realized that having two argumentative parents is better than having Brian Urlacher and a random stripper as parents.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Why’m I a pussy though?
Dude, trying to understand WHY you are a twat doesn’t help you in not being said twat.
/BUT WHY????
//Oh fiddlesticks
July 29th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
If it makes him harder than it is worth the hit
July 29th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Ever since I noticed that Urlacher’s barb wire tattoo doesn’t go all the way around his arm, I can’t take him seriously as an elite football player.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Sometimes I wonder if the Kharacters on this site haunt their creators, like the Green Goblin haunts Willem Dafoe in Spiderman.
Ape: Gotta write a post, gotta write a post…
Marmalard: Alright, Laserface time!! Lemme loosen up my door flyin’ open arm.
Ape: No, not this time. I’m doing a Cutler/Urlacher piece, you’re not in Chicago.
Marmalard: CUTLERFUCKER!! THE FUCK?! I MADE YOU, DICKFACE. WITHOUT ME, YOU’D STILL BE CRYING INTO A SCRAPBOOK OF YOUR OLD WAPO ARTICLES! IF I DON’T SEE A DOOR FLYING OPEN IN THE NEXT 5 SECONDS, IT’S IS FUCKING ON!
Ape: No…it doesn’t make sense…I can’t…alright, but this is the last time. And no more moutheyes when I’m trying to sleep!
July 29th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Let’s not forget that Bobby Wade isn’t exactly up for tough man of the year either. I think it’s safe to say he falls in the pussy range of the toughness scale as well.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
“Huh? Now? Oh, all right Brian. What’s going on? I mean, not that I care. Whatever. Stuff sucks.”
Brilliant!!
July 29th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
“Oh, fuck, really? We gotta do this? Okay – it’s your pussy haircut, your pussy demeanor, your pussy attitude, your pussy words, your pussy vagina.”
Don’t forget us.
Signed,
Pussy Farts
July 29th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
@Danger G. Nice! Hear the voices often?
Sometimes I wonder if the Gay Mafia is annoyed by kommenters requesting that their favorite Kharacter should have been included in/should be added too a recent post. Or wants the next post to FEATURE their fave Kharacter. Shit! Just wonderin’.
/cock cut-up
July 29th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
@spanky
Mighty shakey sentence structure ther son…mighty shakey.
/shakes head
//walks away slowly
July 29th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
@DG: Good. Very good. Expand on that — in fact, you might have the makings of your own blog there.
July 29th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
“We respect two things: bravery and tattoos that look like barbed wire!”
July 29th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
@TPT: Not only that, but would probably be out of the league were it not for the fact that the Vikings suck at receiver. He wasn’t even good enough to stay on the fucking Bears roster at WR.
But it still makes for a good post!
July 29th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Wanna fight UU?
July 29th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Urlacher on KSK – it needed to be done.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Good post. Or not. Whatever, I don’t care.
July 29th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Could be worse, he didn’t call him Tarvaris.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Been hearing Cutlerfucker being referred a lot recently to Cuntler as well. What is KSK’s writer/readership opinion on this? Naturally, Cutlerfucker is they preference …
July 29th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
they=the
My writing skills = those of Michael Bay.
July 29th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Awesome post.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
@Leid: Awesome comment.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:59 am
While Cutlerfucker and the deoderant pitchman were having that conversation, the Sex Cannon was plowing their mothers and/or sisters.
Laserface preaches abstinence. The Sex Cannon preaches indulgence.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:19 am
LASERFACE VS SEX CANNON
IT NEEDS TO HAPPEn
July 30th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Imagine how good of a linebacker Urlacher would be if he had a fully developed brain.
He does, however, make a good point about Cutler, who is a huge, gaping vagina.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:36 am
One of my favorite quotes is from a night we were partying at my house, and two of my buddies get in a little arguement. And to make up, my friend Joe goes, “I’m sorry Chris. Sorry you’re such a pussy.” Chris walked about 10 miles home In November.
/True story
//Knows no one cares.