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And now for Part II of this week’s mailbag.  If you missed Part I, you can find it here.  Not that there’s any kind of essential sequence to these questions.

Anyway, plenty more wack jobs and head scratchers here, as the problems range from dating a woman who constantly lies to dating two girls at the same time to playing fantasy football with certifiable Down Syndrome cases.  We’ve even got the rarest and saddest of cases for the second straight half-mailbag: a Buccaneers fan.  Ouch!  Let’s all be amateur psychologists/Yahoo! “experts” after the jump.

Dear Sultans of Semen, Imams of Impotence, Caliphs of Cock, Sheiks of Smegma, Ayatollahs of Assholery, and Muftis of Muff-

Football: Who would you keep in a 10-team, serpentine draft keeper league? Matt Forte or Tom Brady? I’m leaning towards Forte because he’s guaranteed to go in the first round and his performance shouldn’t be as uncertain as Brady’s. I drafted Brady in this league last year as my first pick (#5 overall) and suffered as a result.

Forte.  Everyone but Tawmmy from Quinzee will back me up on that one.  Also, that was one hell of a compilation religious sex figures.

Sex: I’m 25, got laid off from my good job a few months ago, and now I’m still unemployed and had to move back in with the parents. What exactly do I have as far as options for getting laid nowadays? I’m not alone in being dicked over because of the economy, but not having my own place anymore complicates things.
-The Bitter Buccaneer

Go to her place.  If that’s not an option, welcome back to high school: you can get it on in the car or hope like hell your parents don’t come home.

Dear Peter (King) Pounders:
Football first. OK, has there ever been a worse year to pick between 2-7 in your fantasy draft? This has to be the first year that the end of the round sandwich picks are where it’s at. Say I’m the unlucky fuck that draws #2, should I really hitch my wagon to a guy that played at Northern Illinois and has the same nickname as Peter King’s colon after a plate of Toone P. Wiggins spicy shrimp?

Dramatic much?  Tell you what, you go ahead and pass on Michael Turner because he went to a MAC school and I’ll be perfectly happy to pick him up at #3.  As if the clusterfuck of college football had anything to do with a pro player’s fortunes.  “Oh, I can’t draft Antonio Gates!  He went to Kent State!”

As for the drop-off after Adrian Peterson at #1, the sky isn’t exactly falling: Turner, DeAngelo Williams, Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, Steve Slaton, Frank Gore, and MJD will all likely be fantasy studs.

Sex. A few years ago, I’m back in my hillbilly hometown drunk bowling with some friends and the future Mrs. Pallazzo. So for our last game, she tries to get one over on me and places a friendly wager with my inebriated ass failing to realize that I am a stud on the lanes when hammered. I forget what she was to get had she won but my reward was road head. Problem was, no one in their right mind would have let me drive that night. So here we are. It’s been years and I’m still waiting. She probably thinks that I forgot but no man would ever forget that. How do I approach the subject now? Should it be assumed that there was an expiration on this offer? Is this an offense worthy of breaking off the wedding? I think it might be. Little help, fuckers?
-Enrico Palazzo

Survey says…

DING!

The statute of limitations has passed.  Tough titty.

Dear Penis-Snake oil Salesman,
Thanks to the first pitch thrower at the all star game, I was able to afford my first home with my fiance. It’s a lovely cape, 2 bedroom, 2 baths, living room dining room, finished basement, kitchen, and 2 car garage. So whats the best place to properly “christen” this new home? I’m thinking its the dining room. People do it in just about every other room, but how often do you get to rock the dining room table? Added Bonus: Her parents gave it to us . I’d prefer the back deck, but we have 2 older neighbors, and I’m pretty sure the sight might kill one of them (or worse, arouse them).

Fuck that noise.  You don’t need to christen the house; you need to christen every room.  And old people go to bed early — do it on the back deck late at night.

Football: I play in an extremely stupid fantasy league of friends (5th round defense, 2 kickers?). I find that there is always a plethora of undrafted talent in the 8th, 9th, 10th rounds. (Matt Forte, Ronnie Brown, Calvin Johnson were all available AFTER the draft last year).

Other people are going to make fun of you, but I think it’s nice that you’re friends with retarded people.

Is there anyway I can really capitalize on this with my early-round drafting strategy? I feel like I should fielding some sort of super team against these guys.

There’s no way you can’t NOT capitalize on those dipshits.

Vagina Spelunkers,
Football first, because I like to build intrigue. I am in a keeper league, and I am not sure how many I get to keep. In the past it was 4, last year was 2, and so I am not sure if we are staying at 4 this year or not. That being said, who should be my top four from this crop? Turner, Fitzgerald, Gore, Addai, B. Marshall, Bowe, or V Jackson? League is PPR.

Jesus, that’s quite a lineup.  How many people are in your league?  Six?  Eight?

Turner and Fitzgerald are the obvious choices.  Definitely not Jackson.  I’d keep Gore third, then wait to see if B-Marsh gets the trade he wants.  Addai is still solid, but for some inexplicable reason I hate having Colts on my fantasy teams.  I dunno — it’s a tough call.  It’d be great to have Turner-Gore-Addai as your starting RB-RB-Flex every week, but on the other hand, I’m pretty content to save the Flex spot for specific match-ups, and consistently reliable WRs are tough to come by.  On a coin flip, I’d say Bowe unless Marshall ends up somewhere with a good quarterback and a lax police force.

Okay now sex. My girlfriend has been bisexual in the past, but never had a threesome. She once told me that we could do a threesome, but with stipulations. I would not be allowed to penetrate the other girl, though I am not sure if oral counts there. She is prone to jealousy and I am not sure exactly what the boundaries would be. That said, I would love to have a threesome and would jump at the opportunity, but I am not sure if it would be worth it. The discussion about boundaries happened years ago, and I am not sure how to proceed. Should I try to pursue it and see where it goes? Would it be worth it? Your wisdom would be most helpful.
-Threesomeless Joe Jackson

/waves arms

DANGER!  DANGER JOE JACKSON!  Threesomes are for drunk college kids and sexually adventuresome people without jealousy issues.  You’re looking at a world of headaches if you go down that road.

Dear Dick Joke Geniuses,
Ladies first, as is my motto: I have been seeing two girls for about five months. Both relationships are in the stages wherein we say “I love you” and plan date nights with other couples and hang out all the fucking time.

Oh.  So you’re an asshole.  Go on.

The logistics of these relationships are, as you can imagine, a total fucking nightmare.

Poor you.

Sometimes I just get lucky (For example, on two occasions one of the girls has gotten pissed off and stormed out of my place only minutes before the other showed up) and sometimes I have to manipulate this situation (like the weekend coming up where I had to find a way for one of them to take a beach vacation with me even though both found out I was going). I am doing an excellent job of managing this situation, if I do say so myself, but well, something wicked this way came. I have had a stomach ache for three months now and the doctors I have seen say that there is really nothing wrong with me. I haven’t responded to medication or diet. One of the doctors suggested that perhaps I am manifesting something physically and asked if there was something I felt guilty and/or stressed about.

“I have two girlfriends,” I told him. “And they don’t know about each other and they both love me.”

The doc told me to resolve the situation with the girls by either picking one or telling them both the truth.

What does some fucking doctor know?  Listen buddy, you did the right thing by coming to strangers on the Internet for advice.

Honestly, I would rather move to another state in the middle of the night than face that wrath (I always pick the crazy ones). Anyway, if y’all could offer an alternative solution to honesty or choosing one (like, a way to make my stomach feel better about constantly lying to two girls) that would be great.

No.  There is nothing else.  You put yourself in this position with your own selfish deceit.  You earned that stomach ache, pal.

Football: Is Raheem Morris a lame duck coach for my Buccaneers (I hear they’re just waiting on Cowher) or is this one of those “he’s a legitimately talented young coach we don’t want to lose” type of things. And, will any of it matter since Monte Kiffin quit on the Bucs last year and we lost one of the best defense coordinators in football history? Thanks in advance for your mockery and total lack of help.

The Bucs are waiting on Cowher, huh?  What’s their ticket number at the Brickchin Deli?  As with any other new coach, no one has any REAL insight as to how Morris will do.  But I think it’s safe to say that he was hired in good faith and with the belief that he was the best man for the job.  But yeah, losing Kiffin sucks.  The Bucs will probably miss the playoffs… which gives you more time to spend telling your girlfriends you love them.

I’ve been dating this girl for eight months now and over the past month we’ve been in the process of moving in together. Prior to moving in with me she was living with a family friend. What I discovered last night was she didn’t tell this friend that she was moving in with me. Rather she’d said that her mother suffered a massive stroke, couldn’t move the right side of her body and that she was moving in with her mother to help care for her. Given that this girl has spent every night for the past two months sleeping beside me and I had lunch with said mother this weekend the entire stroke thing is bullshit.

So now clearly the proper action here is run. Don’t look back, run away. Or my case, since I was smart enough to put only my name on the apartment lease, kick her ass to the curb and celebrate the fact I no longer have six million different hair care products in the bathroom. I’ll be able to shit without the fear that I’ll die in an avalanche of conditioner bottles.

This all came about because last night I happened to run into some of her friends at the bar. My girlfriend wasn’t around to control the conversation, so we just talked and one of the friends asked about the entire stroke thing, which blew the lid off this. Following that we compared notes and have come up with a picture of how she operates. Basically every single group of friends, family, whatever is kind of kept in its own isolated world and she lies to keep us separated and to save face. So this suddenly explains why she didn’t want me around her friends or family, because the minute we compared notes everything fell apart. I’ve caught at least two instances where she lied to me directly, so I’m definitely done with this girl.

I feel though like this girl is doomed and I feel bad about that to a degree. She appears to have a history of operating this way so odds are she’ll do the same fucking shit with the next guy she lures in. I confronted her over this behavior and she denies everything despite the fact that we have emails, witnesses and all that. This girl clearly needs help but won’t get it. So my question for you guys is, is it a dick move to send a letter to her parents detailing all the sordid details and suggest they need to get their daughter help? The girl in question is 28 but still lives near her family so they hopefully could intervene.

Yikes.  I found this email terrifying because I dated a pathological liar in college.  She lied about so many things in her life that I had no idea what to believe.  She lied about little things she didn’t even need to lie about; it was habitual and natural to her.  And she was smarter than I was, so even if I confronted her about something she could convincingly lie her way out of that.

I’d recommend getting the fuck out of Dodge.  Move to a different state, change your name, whatever it takes.  If you feel so morally obligated, you can write to her parents — but if they ever choose to confront her, she’ll just lie her way out of that, too.  Trust me on this: it’s probably best not to anger people who are deceitful by nature.

Football question, how do you guys see the UFL playing out in terms of player quality? The cynic in me says watching the UFL play is going to be like watching some midmajor NCAA team (or Michigan) play football, complete with the mistakes that make those games barely watchable. The optimist in me hopes for a more explosive league, where coverage mistakes and the like will lead to big plays and other good highlights material. Of course odds are the corner will blow the coverage, but it won’t mean shit because the WR will drop the ball.

PUNTE’s made a valid point about the UFL: it’s televised pro football.  Period.  Granted, it won’t be as good as the NFL… but would you turn down a handjob when you’re not getting laid?

Dear Assrangers,
Sex: Let’s say a guy hasn’t had much luck in the sex department in a while. A long while. Let’s say said guy is presented with an easy lay. Let’s say said easy lay is married. Let’s say said guy is me, writing this letter. Is there any length of time a guy can go without poon that makes it okay to bang a married chick, just for the sake of getting his damn rocks off for a change? (Disclaimer: Not that it matters, but I don’t know the guy – or the girl, really, for that matter – so there is no friendship trust to be broken.)

Sounds like someone’s been cruising the Craigslist casual encounters.

The moralist in me says that extramarital affairs should be avoided at any and all costs; the realist in me says, “Hey man, if she’s inclined to cheat, she’s gonna cheat.  It may as well be with you.”  Well, the realist isn’t paying attention to the hornet’s nest that can be unleashed by being The Other Man.  America is a country not without guns and angry cuckolded husbands, my friend.  Dry spell or not, there are women out there with vaginas who aren’t married.  Go after them.

Football: How early is too early to pick a defense in your fantasy draft? There are a few defenses that are so high scoring, that getting one of them gives you an automatic 10-point advantage over most teams in the league. You don’t want to let others take them before you. On the other hand, you don’t to waste a pick too early. We have 8 teams in the league. Last year, the first D (Minny) was taken in round 4. Is that outrageous?
Thanks,
Breakin’ Vows and Breakin’ Hearts

Yes, that’s completely fucking outrageous.  Any badass defense is a defensive lineman’s injury away from being an average defense.  With only eight teams in your league, there are going to be 24 defenses on the waiver wire every week.  And at least one of those defenses will be playing a shitty team.  I’ll take a good match-up over a good defense.  Use your draft to pick up skilled position players.

Dearest Kings of all that Cums,
Sex First (as always): So Im working overseas and only get a two week vacation this year to come home and relax. I of course arranged for that period to be when the Vikings host the Packers for MNF. Anyways, single game tickets go on sale on the 20th so I politely asked my wife to go down to the Metrodome and pick up a few as this is my one desire on vacation. She said she wont wait for four hours in downtown Minneapolis for them and said I should get a friend to get us both tickets. I tell her its akward to ask my guy friend to go to the greatest game of the year with me AND my wife AND buy the tickets for us. I say that Ill just go with my friend so its not weird and she freaks out saying how shes the one whos been waiting for me and that I need to spend all my time with her. Do I risk getting any ass on my trip home to go to the game with my friend or watch it on tv and get some ass while doing so? Im already fucked since I havent made a decision so she wrote me an email saying ” Guess I can see how much you care about being with me”…bitch.

Why is it awkward to go to a game with your friend AND your wife?  You guys are married, for Christ’s sake.  As much as I like hanging out with just guys (because I’m gay, natch), I recognize that my married friends are usually a package deal.  And as a friend, I’d be especially understanding about it if the couple in question had been separated by an ocean all year.

But yeah, she could’ve picked up the tickets for you.

Fantasy: ESPN’s fantasy mag this year says a good strategy is to go WR WR RB RB and puts up some good numbers to support that getting a 3-4th round RB is more points than getting 3-4th round WR. Confusing, I know. They claim this but then on their cheat sheet it gives the top 11 picks as RBs. WTF. WWKSKD? (thats what would kissing suzy kolber do for all you atheists!)
in his name,
Percy Penis

ESPN said something retarded?  NO!  I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.

As always, draft the best available relative to the needs of your team.  ESPN can trot out all the fancy numbers it likes to support drafting RBs in the third and fourth round.  That’s all fine and dandy until your starting running backs are Julius Jones and Warrick Dunn.

Also, stand by for WWKSKD bracelets, coming soon to our clothing shop.  They’re gonna be pink.  Why?  Because breast cancer already had its chance.