And now for Part II of this week’s mailbag. If you missed Part I, you can find it here. Not that there’s any kind of essential sequence to these questions.
Anyway, plenty more wack jobs and head scratchers here, as the problems range from dating a woman who constantly lies to dating two girls at the same time to playing fantasy football with certifiable Down Syndrome cases. We’ve even got the rarest and saddest of cases for the second straight half-mailbag: a Buccaneers fan. Ouch! Let’s all be amateur psychologists/Yahoo! “experts” after the jump.
Dear Sultans of Semen, Imams of Impotence, Caliphs of Cock, Sheiks of Smegma, Ayatollahs of Assholery, and Muftis of Muff-
Football: Who would you keep in a 10-team, serpentine draft keeper league? Matt Forte or Tom Brady? I’m leaning towards Forte because he’s guaranteed to go in the first round and his performance shouldn’t be as uncertain as Brady’s. I drafted Brady in this league last year as my first pick (#5 overall) and suffered as a result.
Forte. Everyone but Tawmmy from Quinzee will back me up on that one. Also, that was one hell of a compilation religious sex figures.
Sex: I’m 25, got laid off from my good job a few months ago, and now I’m still unemployed and had to move back in with the parents. What exactly do I have as far as options for getting laid nowadays? I’m not alone in being dicked over because of the economy, but not having my own place anymore complicates things.
-The Bitter Buccaneer
Go to her place. If that’s not an option, welcome back to high school: you can get it on in the car or hope like hell your parents don’t come home.
Dear Peter (King) Pounders:
Football first. OK, has there ever been a worse year to pick between 2-7 in your fantasy draft? This has to be the first year that the end of the round sandwich picks are where it’s at. Say I’m the unlucky fuck that draws #2, should I really hitch my wagon to a guy that played at Northern Illinois and has the same nickname as Peter King’s colon after a plate of Toone P. Wiggins spicy shrimp?
Dramatic much? Tell you what, you go ahead and pass on Michael Turner because he went to a MAC school and I’ll be perfectly happy to pick him up at #3. As if the clusterfuck of college football had anything to do with a pro player’s fortunes. “Oh, I can’t draft Antonio Gates! He went to Kent State!”
As for the drop-off after Adrian Peterson at #1, the sky isn’t exactly falling: Turner, DeAngelo Williams, Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, Steve Slaton, Frank Gore, and MJD will all likely be fantasy studs.
Sex. A few years ago, I’m back in my hillbilly hometown drunk bowling with some friends and the future Mrs. Pallazzo. So for our last game, she tries to get one over on me and places a friendly wager with my inebriated ass failing to realize that I am a stud on the lanes when hammered. I forget what she was to get had she won but my reward was road head. Problem was, no one in their right mind would have let me drive that night. So here we are. It’s been years and I’m still waiting. She probably thinks that I forgot but no man would ever forget that. How do I approach the subject now? Should it be assumed that there was an expiration on this offer? Is this an offense worthy of breaking off the wedding? I think it might be. Little help, fuckers?
-Enrico Palazzo
Survey says…
DING!
The statute of limitations has passed. Tough titty.
Dear Penis-Snake oil Salesman,
Thanks to the first pitch thrower at the all star game, I was able to afford my first home with my fiance. It’s a lovely cape, 2 bedroom, 2 baths, living room dining room, finished basement, kitchen, and 2 car garage. So whats the best place to properly “christen” this new home? I’m thinking its the dining room. People do it in just about every other room, but how often do you get to rock the dining room table? Added Bonus: Her parents gave it to us . I’d prefer the back deck, but we have 2 older neighbors, and I’m pretty sure the sight might kill one of them (or worse, arouse them).
Fuck that noise. You don’t need to christen the house; you need to christen every room. And old people go to bed early — do it on the back deck late at night.
Football: I play in an extremely stupid fantasy league of friends (5th round defense, 2 kickers?). I find that there is always a plethora of undrafted talent in the 8th, 9th, 10th rounds. (Matt Forte, Ronnie Brown, Calvin Johnson were all available AFTER the draft last year).
Other people are going to make fun of you, but I think it’s nice that you’re friends with retarded people.
Is there anyway I can really capitalize on this with my early-round drafting strategy? I feel like I should fielding some sort of super team against these guys.
There’s no way you can’t NOT capitalize on those dipshits.
Vagina Spelunkers,
Football first, because I like to build intrigue. I am in a keeper league, and I am not sure how many I get to keep. In the past it was 4, last year was 2, and so I am not sure if we are staying at 4 this year or not. That being said, who should be my top four from this crop? Turner, Fitzgerald, Gore, Addai, B. Marshall, Bowe, or V Jackson? League is PPR.
Jesus, that’s quite a lineup. How many people are in your league? Six? Eight?
Turner and Fitzgerald are the obvious choices. Definitely not Jackson. I’d keep Gore third, then wait to see if B-Marsh gets the trade he wants. Addai is still solid, but for some inexplicable reason I hate having Colts on my fantasy teams. I dunno — it’s a tough call. It’d be great to have Turner-Gore-Addai as your starting RB-RB-Flex every week, but on the other hand, I’m pretty content to save the Flex spot for specific match-ups, and consistently reliable WRs are tough to come by. On a coin flip, I’d say Bowe unless Marshall ends up somewhere with a good quarterback and a lax police force.
Okay now sex. My girlfriend has been bisexual in the past, but never had a threesome. She once told me that we could do a threesome, but with stipulations. I would not be allowed to penetrate the other girl, though I am not sure if oral counts there. She is prone to jealousy and I am not sure exactly what the boundaries would be. That said, I would love to have a threesome and would jump at the opportunity, but I am not sure if it would be worth it. The discussion about boundaries happened years ago, and I am not sure how to proceed. Should I try to pursue it and see where it goes? Would it be worth it? Your wisdom would be most helpful.
-Threesomeless Joe Jackson
/waves arms
DANGER! DANGER JOE JACKSON! Threesomes are for drunk college kids and sexually adventuresome people without jealousy issues. You’re looking at a world of headaches if you go down that road.
Dear Dick Joke Geniuses,
Ladies first, as is my motto: I have been seeing two girls for about five months. Both relationships are in the stages wherein we say “I love you” and plan date nights with other couples and hang out all the fucking time.
Oh. So you’re an asshole. Go on.
The logistics of these relationships are, as you can imagine, a total fucking nightmare.
Poor you.
Sometimes I just get lucky (For example, on two occasions one of the girls has gotten pissed off and stormed out of my place only minutes before the other showed up) and sometimes I have to manipulate this situation (like the weekend coming up where I had to find a way for one of them to take a beach vacation with me even though both found out I was going). I am doing an excellent job of managing this situation, if I do say so myself, but well, something wicked this way came. I have had a stomach ache for three months now and the doctors I have seen say that there is really nothing wrong with me. I haven’t responded to medication or diet. One of the doctors suggested that perhaps I am manifesting something physically and asked if there was something I felt guilty and/or stressed about.
“I have two girlfriends,” I told him. “And they don’t know about each other and they both love me.”
The doc told me to resolve the situation with the girls by either picking one or telling them both the truth.
What does some fucking doctor know? Listen buddy, you did the right thing by coming to strangers on the Internet for advice.
Honestly, I would rather move to another state in the middle of the night than face that wrath (I always pick the crazy ones). Anyway, if y’all could offer an alternative solution to honesty or choosing one (like, a way to make my stomach feel better about constantly lying to two girls) that would be great.
No. There is nothing else. You put yourself in this position with your own selfish deceit. You earned that stomach ache, pal.
Football: Is Raheem Morris a lame duck coach for my Buccaneers (I hear they’re just waiting on Cowher) or is this one of those “he’s a legitimately talented young coach we don’t want to lose” type of things. And, will any of it matter since Monte Kiffin quit on the Bucs last year and we lost one of the best defense coordinators in football history? Thanks in advance for your mockery and total lack of help.
The Bucs are waiting on Cowher, huh? What’s their ticket number at the Brickchin Deli? As with any other new coach, no one has any REAL insight as to how Morris will do. But I think it’s safe to say that he was hired in good faith and with the belief that he was the best man for the job. But yeah, losing Kiffin sucks. The Bucs will probably miss the playoffs… which gives you more time to spend telling your girlfriends you love them.
I’ve been dating this girl for eight months now and over the past month we’ve been in the process of moving in together. Prior to moving in with me she was living with a family friend. What I discovered last night was she didn’t tell this friend that she was moving in with me. Rather she’d said that her mother suffered a massive stroke, couldn’t move the right side of her body and that she was moving in with her mother to help care for her. Given that this girl has spent every night for the past two months sleeping beside me and I had lunch with said mother this weekend the entire stroke thing is bullshit.
So now clearly the proper action here is run. Don’t look back, run away. Or my case, since I was smart enough to put only my name on the apartment lease, kick her ass to the curb and celebrate the fact I no longer have six million different hair care products in the bathroom. I’ll be able to shit without the fear that I’ll die in an avalanche of conditioner bottles.
This all came about because last night I happened to run into some of her friends at the bar. My girlfriend wasn’t around to control the conversation, so we just talked and one of the friends asked about the entire stroke thing, which blew the lid off this. Following that we compared notes and have come up with a picture of how she operates. Basically every single group of friends, family, whatever is kind of kept in its own isolated world and she lies to keep us separated and to save face. So this suddenly explains why she didn’t want me around her friends or family, because the minute we compared notes everything fell apart. I’ve caught at least two instances where she lied to me directly, so I’m definitely done with this girl.
I feel though like this girl is doomed and I feel bad about that to a degree. She appears to have a history of operating this way so odds are she’ll do the same fucking shit with the next guy she lures in. I confronted her over this behavior and she denies everything despite the fact that we have emails, witnesses and all that. This girl clearly needs help but won’t get it. So my question for you guys is, is it a dick move to send a letter to her parents detailing all the sordid details and suggest they need to get their daughter help? The girl in question is 28 but still lives near her family so they hopefully could intervene.
Yikes. I found this email terrifying because I dated a pathological liar in college. She lied about so many things in her life that I had no idea what to believe. She lied about little things she didn’t even need to lie about; it was habitual and natural to her. And she was smarter than I was, so even if I confronted her about something she could convincingly lie her way out of that.
I’d recommend getting the fuck out of Dodge. Move to a different state, change your name, whatever it takes. If you feel so morally obligated, you can write to her parents — but if they ever choose to confront her, she’ll just lie her way out of that, too. Trust me on this: it’s probably best not to anger people who are deceitful by nature.
Football question, how do you guys see the UFL playing out in terms of player quality? The cynic in me says watching the UFL play is going to be like watching some midmajor NCAA team (or Michigan) play football, complete with the mistakes that make those games barely watchable. The optimist in me hopes for a more explosive league, where coverage mistakes and the like will lead to big plays and other good highlights material. Of course odds are the corner will blow the coverage, but it won’t mean shit because the WR will drop the ball.
PUNTE’s made a valid point about the UFL: it’s televised pro football. Period. Granted, it won’t be as good as the NFL… but would you turn down a handjob when you’re not getting laid?
Dear Assrangers,
Sex: Let’s say a guy hasn’t had much luck in the sex department in a while. A long while. Let’s say said guy is presented with an easy lay. Let’s say said easy lay is married. Let’s say said guy is me, writing this letter. Is there any length of time a guy can go without poon that makes it okay to bang a married chick, just for the sake of getting his damn rocks off for a change? (Disclaimer: Not that it matters, but I don’t know the guy – or the girl, really, for that matter – so there is no friendship trust to be broken.)
Sounds like someone’s been cruising the Craigslist casual encounters.
The moralist in me says that extramarital affairs should be avoided at any and all costs; the realist in me says, “Hey man, if she’s inclined to cheat, she’s gonna cheat. It may as well be with you.” Well, the realist isn’t paying attention to the hornet’s nest that can be unleashed by being The Other Man. America is a country not without guns and angry cuckolded husbands, my friend. Dry spell or not, there are women out there with vaginas who aren’t married. Go after them.
Football: How early is too early to pick a defense in your fantasy draft? There are a few defenses that are so high scoring, that getting one of them gives you an automatic 10-point advantage over most teams in the league. You don’t want to let others take them before you. On the other hand, you don’t to waste a pick too early. We have 8 teams in the league. Last year, the first D (Minny) was taken in round 4. Is that outrageous?
Thanks,
Breakin’ Vows and Breakin’ Hearts
Yes, that’s completely fucking outrageous. Any badass defense is a defensive lineman’s injury away from being an average defense. With only eight teams in your league, there are going to be 24 defenses on the waiver wire every week. And at least one of those defenses will be playing a shitty team. I’ll take a good match-up over a good defense. Use your draft to pick up skilled position players.
Dearest Kings of all that Cums,
Sex First (as always): So Im working overseas and only get a two week vacation this year to come home and relax. I of course arranged for that period to be when the Vikings host the Packers for MNF. Anyways, single game tickets go on sale on the 20th so I politely asked my wife to go down to the Metrodome and pick up a few as this is my one desire on vacation. She said she wont wait for four hours in downtown Minneapolis for them and said I should get a friend to get us both tickets. I tell her its akward to ask my guy friend to go to the greatest game of the year with me AND my wife AND buy the tickets for us. I say that Ill just go with my friend so its not weird and she freaks out saying how shes the one whos been waiting for me and that I need to spend all my time with her. Do I risk getting any ass on my trip home to go to the game with my friend or watch it on tv and get some ass while doing so? Im already fucked since I havent made a decision so she wrote me an email saying ” Guess I can see how much you care about being with me”…bitch.
Why is it awkward to go to a game with your friend AND your wife? You guys are married, for Christ’s sake. As much as I like hanging out with just guys (because I’m gay, natch), I recognize that my married friends are usually a package deal. And as a friend, I’d be especially understanding about it if the couple in question had been separated by an ocean all year.
But yeah, she could’ve picked up the tickets for you.
Fantasy: ESPN’s fantasy mag this year says a good strategy is to go WR WR RB RB and puts up some good numbers to support that getting a 3-4th round RB is more points than getting 3-4th round WR. Confusing, I know. They claim this but then on their cheat sheet it gives the top 11 picks as RBs. WTF. WWKSKD? (thats what would kissing suzy kolber do for all you atheists!)
in his name,
Percy Penis
ESPN said something retarded? NO! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.
As always, draft the best available relative to the needs of your team. ESPN can trot out all the fancy numbers it likes to support drafting RBs in the third and fourth round. That’s all fine and dandy until your starting running backs are Julius Jones and Warrick Dunn.
Also, stand by for WWKSKD bracelets, coming soon to our clothing shop. They’re gonna be pink. Why? Because breast cancer already had its chance.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/horizontal-shower-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/belichick-sweats-150x150.jpg)
Many thanks for that great suggestions about the most reliable dating sites!
I haven’t finished reading the mailbag yet, but I had to address this:
“Football: I play in an extremely stupid fantasy league of friends (5th round defense, 2 kickers?). I find that there is always a plethora of undrafted talent in the 8th, 9th, 10th rounds. (Matt Forte, Ronnie Brown, Calvin Johnson were all available AFTER the draft last year).”
You didn’t draft them either dumbass. Might want to rethink that everyone but me is stupid in my league statement.
nice Maudlin of The Well pun
B, Bnot –
I understand what you’re saying but you have to realize this is something you’ve created in your mind, and that it’s prob not the same in hers. She probably sees you guys as friends. Sending her that email is just going to weird her out (like Slash said), and it’s not really stuff that she needs to hear, it’s something you have to reconcile with your own self. You really have to realize that she’s not that great, that you just don’t know her well enough to see her faults. Trust me. She only seems so wonderful because you’re filling in all the question marks you have about her in with your own fantasies. Try to realize this and get over her. Or start up the relationship again. Either one, just don’t sit there waiting for her to “come to you someday” – that shit doesn’t happen haha. Get on her or get over her :P\
-m
RE Bachelor, Bachelornot? – Um, 25 is young. A little too young, I think, to go around looking for “Miss Right.” Seriously, I think you’ve got another 5 years before you should be thinking about settling down. Or planning to, at any rate.
Don’t do that creepy e-mailing thing you’re talking about. I know movies and TV make stupid women think that overly dramatic gestures are romantic, but smart chicks know they’re not. In a way, you’re posing it as kind of an ultimatum – “Love me or I walk away forever.” Another thing stupid women think is wonderful and romantic, but which really isn’t, it’s just assholish. And yeah, the kinda shit a stalker would say. If you want this Mary chick to take you seriously, you have to tell her how you really feel to her face, not through a text or e-mail. If she doesn’t seem interested in a face to face meeting (ie, “Hey, let’s have dinner/coffee/lunch”) then she’s probably not interested. Sorry.
You’re definitely right that as long as you’re just screwing around, suitable relationship chicks probably figure you’re unavailable, not that they don’t notice you. So yeah, you’re gonna have to create a vacancy in order for one of them to take the opportunity to “move in.” Probably. Some chicks don’t mind moving in on someone else’s territory (so to speak), but those may not be the kind of chicks you want.
Dude with 2 GF: WTF did you expect? You’re asking for a drama-free way to get out of it, and there isn’t one. So sorry that many of us live in the real world of interpersonal relationships and not the “Three’s Company” world that you seem to inhabit. Also, if you “always pick the crazy ones,” not sure why you think you should get a Get Out of Drama Free card. Crazy bitches are all about the drama. That’s why sane dudes avoid them.
Trust Madman. My ex forged my name on a car title. It may not be easy to let go, but there is no saving this girl, or waiting for her to change or “get better”. It won’t happen.
To the guy dating the lair: just distance yourself as much as you can from her. Her parents definitely already know about her problems. You need to worry about yourself here. She will attempt to fuck up your life when you leave. Pathological liars often times like to steal checks and credit cards from people. They can be sent to jail and all the while maintain their innocence and feel no remorse about their behaviour. She may even get released from jail after half a year and then carry on with her previous ways, only to get caught again. Her life will just continue to devolve into a larger and larger shit storm and you need to avoid her like the plague.
@ B/Bnot: Similar situation here. Don’t force it. You’re plenty young enough. Sounds like you know what you’re looking for. But the girl of your dreams most likely won’t just fall into your lap. You need to be proactive. What the F happened with Mary? Did you ever ask her out? Amy sounds pretty good too. Stay away from the bi girl. Maybe you just need to be more assertive. A lot of women like guys who take control and go after what they want. Do these girls know you’re interested in them? Part of the problem could be you’re the “too nice” guy. Not necessarily a “yes” man and pushover, but close. m is right. Either get over Mary, or make it happen with her.
And a note about hot girls with hot friends: Beware. That typically spells trouble. They know they’re hot, they’re used to getting attention from guys, and they often come with major issues.
Liar Girlfriend: You should throw a party and invite all her family and friends. Imagine the Seinfeld episode where George’s friends meet his fiance. A George divided against itself cannot stand. You may want to hide the knives and keep your running shoes on, though.
Enrico: Maybe her suggesting it as the bet was saying she’s open to the possibility. Bring it up at home in a joking way (TW was right, NOT in the car, that’s being pressured into it).
3someless: Ease into it and see how the jealousy thing pans out. Planning first time: “I’ll just watch”. Second time, touching. Third time, well, you get the idea. The myriad of little tableaus that could play out are endless.
“I can’t wait for WWKSKD bracelets.”
why do women attempt to endear themselves to other bloggers and site hosts? clearly i cant see your sz 2 waist
i didnt read sheet – but ima still talk about dating 2-girls at once…its great.
the best part is dating 2 completely crazy, yet different ones (i.e. – one has daddy issues, one is on heavy meds)
you get the best of both worlds and twice the responsibility…wow. i personally love building a girl up and then when she goes Hasslehoff on me…she gon. its great, keep em guessing…and if you have a third of the sack most men do, introduce them to each other and hope it works out.
Guy with 2 girlfriends: if you think they’re both crazy, and you’ve been an asshole enough to date 2 chicks at the same time, then you should break up with both of them for your sake and theirs. Even though if a guy did that to me, I’d definitely exact my revenge, for all I know you could be a great guy otherwise and totally not deserve your balls cut off. Those girls however, deserve better, no matter who you’d pick. And try tums until you make up your mind.
I can’t wait for WWKSKD bracelets.
@Roadhead guy: She gave you the nod, right? The bet is not concluded until payment is received. Jesus dude, ask her. It shouldn’t be that hard. Next time you are in the “afterglow”, ask her if she remembers a promise. A solemn, promise on a long, hot, curving route of highway 395 straggling through Red Rock Canyon on the way to Ridgecrest. Does she remember the promise? The commitment? Jesus, man. Does she remember Ridgecrest at all? Did she remember that she left her thong lying on top of my pillowcase.
The “Johns Pizza” box and a rock hard erection are all I have to greet the arriving morning. I can only hope. No. Pray.
That it doesn’t get above 114 degrees today.
Dude.
I love Mailbag Thursdays…
Do I renounce my bachelor ways, and declare myself on a quest for a home in the suburbs with a white picket fence, two kids, and monthly wine and cheese parties, or do I continue having meaningless sex while I wait for Ms. Right to fall into my lap?.
You can give this a try, but don’t be too surprised if you don’t find it as fulfilling as you expected. If you start dating someone who is objectively really great, but it doesn’t feel quite right, don’t fall into the trap of thinking it’s not satisfying because you’ve undercomitted and promptly propose.
People tend to be satisfied emotionally by pretty different stuff. If you’ve been happy with your life, don’t try to change it drastically unless you’ve got good reason to.
So here we are. It’s been years and I’m still waiting. She probably thinks that I forgot but no man would ever forget that. How do I approach the subject now? Should it be assumed that there was an expiration on this offer? Is this an offense worthy of breaking off the wedding? I think it might be. Little help, fuckers?
By not paying up, she’s given you something more valuable than road head–something you’ll always have on her. I’d recommend bringing it up in a teasing way, when there’s no car involved (i.e. it’s clear that you’re not asking her to pay up), to let her know that you remember, but that you’re magnanimous enough to consider the offer expired.
Then when she’s pissed at your for something (as will inevitably happen–you’re marrying her after all), you can, if you’re clever use this as a get-out-of-jail card. And if you don’t use it too often, you can keep using it until you actually get the road head. It’s wins all around.
You mean Retard Out!
Damn straight. Roll out!
/shows self out
Apparently I’m not the only one with a thing for Autobots.
Hey Bachelor, Bachelornot … I fully support your plight and wish you luck, but how come you have the same exact gravatar and are posting at the same time as Monkey Business?
/Guy Incognito’d
@The Drunk Mormon: a joyous cry throughout my home of Indianapolis just rang out, and it sounds suspiciously like “GIT ER DONE!”. Not that I would ever indulge in such tomfoolery. But seriously, save some for the rest of us.
@Monkey buisness- Sweet ass! I live in Utah, the gf just read this and said we can go trolling for more ladies this weekend….
m-
That’s kind of the problem. I’ve met this fantastic, amazing girl, who basically makes every other girl look like crap in comparison. I mean, I kind of want to email her (because I don’t have her mailing address), and “break up” with her, and basically tell her that she’s probably the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, but that in order for me to be happy I basically have to walk away, because she’s set the bar so high for anyone else that it’s almost not fair. And yes, it’s bizarre and vaguely stalkerish, but I’m convinced a little part of me still thinks she’ll show up someday and we might be together.
2GF guy: You’re dating TWO GIRLS, AT THE SAME TIME. What the fuck are you expecting here? At some point, you have to choose one, unless you live in Utah. You will have to dump one. It will suck. I would recommend making sure that you never tell either one that you’re dating the other, and pray neither finds out, because then you’ll be the on-site weatherman in the shitstorm of the century. I mean, come on. It’s not fucking rocket science. Here’s your advice: take some fucking Tums, take whichever one you like even the slightest iota less than the other out for a really nice dinner, and tell her that you just don’t see this going any further, and that you don’t want to waste her time when she could be with someone that really appreciates her and can make her happy. After that, go punch yourself in the dick, because you’re a fucking jackass, and if the other one asks, just say some kid hit you in the crotch with a bat or some shit.
B, Bnot –
I think you have your issue right there – you’ve got Mary on the mind, and what the hell kind of girl is going to stack up to those stats? If you keep comparing every chick you meet to her, of course they’re going to fall short. I think you need to get over Mary before you can move on into another meaningful relationship. Maybe play it out more with her so you get to see some of her flaws and realize that she’s not the perfection you’ve been building her up to be in your mind. Once you realize that maybe she’s not the goddess in your head, you’ll be able to start looking at other people more seriously. I think you just need to be convinced that this is an emotional dead end and not just a logistical dead end before you can move on. Thoughts?
- m
Thanks for nothing KSK
Yeah, I’m past my “pining away” phase. If they’re not interested, fuck ‘em. Not literally. Unfortunately.
And BTW, once you’re in the friend zone, quit wasting your time trying to figure out how to get out of the friend zone. It’s time to find new pussy.
Watching my best friend, who I’ve known since the sixth grade, get married to the second (and now last) girl he ever slept with, awakened something in me. It was as if watching him get married with front row seats held up a mirror to my own life and went “This is why you feel like something’s missing.”
Have you tried inviting your girlfriends over for Haagen-Daaz and a Lifetime movie? Because that’s what most people with vaginas do.
In all seriousness, follow Drew’s advice and don’t get caught up in a run on weddings. Don’t rush into a deep relationship with someone just because you suddenly feel this void (I’ve been there). If you do, and you overlook major compatibility issues, you will, as Drew put it, fuck yourself for life.
The key is to change what you’re looking for. You’ve done that. Not saying it’s going to be easy, but if it was then 99% of people’s problems would no longer exist. Take a nice attractive girl on a date (a DATE date, not some bullshit friend thing, that’ll keep you from ending up in the friend zone right off the bat), find out what she’s about, and keep moving on in the relationship learning more about each other until you find something that you two can’t get past. Then move on and start over. Rinse and repeat until you find your woman. It could take one woman, it could take 300. But if you’re careful you’ll find the right one eventually. Then that void will be gone.
If all else fails, try alcohol.
Sorry, hit the submit too soon.
Anyway, two of the three women I’ve ever been head over heels for have made an Exit Stage Left in my life. The other one has me so firmly entrenched in the Friend Zone I’ve bought property.
I dunno. It’s a tough one.
m -
Well, to understand my plight, let’s discuss these women for a second. I’ll use pseudonyms, but the descriptions are accurate.
- Amy: Met her sophomore year of college. Hot, total geek, total carnivore. We have a Meativersarry once a year, where we meet up and go eat lots and lots of meat. Just never really happened. I took her to a wedding once, and it didn’t phase her at all.
- Tiffany: Met her off an internet forum in college. Bisexual. Huge boobs. Hooked up once senior year, always talked about dating (even her family wanted us to date), but it never really happened. She stayed with me for a weekend last May. Didn’t have sex. Things fizzled out after that. We haven’t talked since.
- Mary. Oh man, Mary. Met her junior year. Mary graduated HS at 17, got her BA at 20, got her Masters at 21. Just mind-blowingly hot. Think Scarlett Johansson with red/brown hair. Amazingly intelligent and driven. Fantastic personality. Last time I saw her was senior year. We went to the opera together. She called once after I graduated and was I bombed out of my mind with some friends, so I couldn’t really talk. She called me about six months later, just to chat. Texted her briefly last summer when she was in town, but never saw her. Of all the women I’ve met, dated, whatever, she’s the only girl that’s ever made me feel “that way”. Like, I could spend the rest of my life with her. Like, I couldn’t spend the rest of my life without her.
Bach/BachNot –
Keep on fucking man.
I was in the heat of the meaningless sex stage of my 20′s when when I found the woman who is becoming Mrs. Merk in a month.
I think if you close up shop you may go cold, lose some of that edge that allows you to effortlessly talk to girls whenever you want to, and that may make you miss out on talking to Mrs. Right.
Think opposite of riding a bicycle. Or if it took 2 months to remember how to ride a bicycle every spring.
My 2 cents.
Bachelor, Bachelornot –
Ahh, damn those awkward years! That could definitely be the issue. So your real problem is trying to meet someone new – have you tried asking these numerous hot just-friends of yours? Because usually girls love setting up their guy pals, especially girls already in a couple – matchmaking is fun for us when we’re not interested. And hot girls often have hot friends. More importantly, if they have awesome personalities, their friends probably do too. I’d give that a shot (or more of a shot).
And I wasn’t trying to say fuck all the girls you meet over befriending them, more that you should do neither, and approach as possible bf material from the start. And I think some (horny) guys would beg to differ about the death by surroundings of good looking women with great personalities (if they werent already dead… har har)
- m
m -
1) Although I’d consider every girl I’ve ever been really head over heels for a solid 8-10, I doubt many of my male compatriots would agree. Even so, these girls aren’t so far out of my league as to be unreachable, as I know all of their boyfriends and I’m basically in the same league.
2) Most of these women I met before I developed any real charisma or charm, so that could have something to do with it. But, that still doesn’t help me find someone new.
3) I’d rather start out as friends then start out fucking. If it means I get friend-zoned, then I get friend-zoned, and I keep looking. After all, no one ever died from being surrounded by intelligent, good looking women with great personalities.
My dilemma is that I feel like in pursuing Ms. Right, I’m going through more than a few Ms. Right Now’s, and that all the Right Now’s are keeping me from seeing Ms. Right. So, maybe if I cut out the Right Now’s, Ms. Right will show up.
Bachelor or Bachelornot –
Quitting your one night stand habit isn’t the solution to this problem. Actually, I think you’re looking at the wrong issue here. Start considering why it is that all of the girls you’re actually interested in are tossing you into the “just friends” category. Coming from the opposite perspective (a chick who can’t get her guy friends to only be friends with her, in spite of the ever present bf) I’d chalk it up to one of three reasons (these are the reasons I wouldn’t pursue romantically):
1) you’re shooting for girls out of your league physically
2) you change the sort of person you are around girls you’re actually interested in – say, from confident and cool to either a pushover trying to be whatever it is you think these girls want you to be or a mild creeper
3) you’re approaching them and trying to get close by trying to get an in as a friend first and then moving on to romantic status
Recommended solution: realize which you’re doing and knock it off.
1) Girls who arent the 9′s and 10′s will probably become more attractive when you start realizing you’re more attracted to their personality (rose-colored glasses of love, you know how it is…). Give them a shot.
2) Girls don’t want a guy who is going to cater to their every whim. They want someone who can challenge them, say, respectfully decline to be exactly what they ask for. Think of it as playing hard to get – you become more intriguing when you’re not doing whatever it is you think they want. However, don’t play too hard to get – balance it out with something you know she’ll like. ie: disagree with something she says that you think is wrong, but still buy her flowers.
3) Once you end up in the friend category, it’s hard to go back. Stop screwing yourself over this way, and, if you find yourself really liking a chick, ask her out to a date. Then be the guy from solution #2.
Does this help at all? Or at least give you some direction? Hope so – rather than trying to remove something from the situation (your cock) try to add something (whatever element is keeping you from dating the girls you like). Because keeping your dick under lock and key will just take the situation from alone to alone and desperate. And desperation is definitely not attractive. Besides, Mrs. Right doesn’t care that you’re fucking other people yet, so why stop a good thing?
- m
@Gino: Nope, Korean and with no clue how to operate a firearm, so I think I’m safe. At worst she’ll set up an oppressive regime in the northern half of my apartment, which means I’d lose the patio and the living room. My grill is on the patio, so fuck that shit.
@Pathological Liar Guy: My only experience with a pathological liar consisted of a summer I spent working as a lifeguard alongside one. Her own SISTER was the one who alerted me to her “condition,” so I think you’re safe in assuming that her family is well aware of her situation and is either in complete denial about it or has given up trying to help her in any way. Echoing everyone else’s advice, your best bet is to refuse to communicate with her in any way whatsoever.
Regarding my own situation, the day I got that dumb bitch fired was easily the best day of the whole summer.
Guy with the pathological liar problem –
Don’t tell her parents. Just get the fuck away. Pathological liars will never admit they’ve been figured out, even when it’s blatantly obvious. Telling her parents won’t save the next guy in line, it will just piss her off. And it’s better to have to deal with a dumped/sad/desperate pathological liar than an angry/vengeful pathological liar. Because the pathological usually doesn’t stop at lying. Good luck running as fast as fuck in the other direction.
- m
Percy Penis (dude who is overseas, issue with wife and tickets, etc) –
The solution to your problem is to get mad at her. Being a female (who has had far too many boyfriends, several long distance) this is the way to go. If you make her feel guilty about not doing the one thing you’re asking her to do for you when you’ve cleared out the whoooole week to spend it with her, etc etc, there’s a good chance she’ll apologize and tell you she’s just stressed that you’re not around, yadda yadda (girls explode like that when they’re bottling up little stressers, undoubtedly due to your absence, hence why it’s coming up now). So be firm, sound logical, and I think you’ll have it in the bag. Let me know how it goes if you go forward with it! And if she still needs a little convincing, tell her you’d rather have her buy the tickets and not involve your friend because you’d rather go with just her and have more alone time together. Even though it’s a flat out lie, you’ll have her eating out of your hand. Have fun getting laid.
- m
25. And by meaningless, I mean there’s no real emotional investment. It’s basically just fucking. And yes, I’m aware this makes me a terrible person, but I’ve long resigned myself to taking the Bullet Train to Hell when I die, so at this point I’m just laying down fresh track.
RE Bachelor, Bachelornot? – How old are you? And who says sex is ever meaningless? I know people use the phrase “meaningless sex” all the time, but I maintain there’s no such thing. I’m not saying sex=love (only 12 year old girls or socially retarded adults think like that), but sex=something.
So, I’m bypassing the mailbag and going straight to the KSK Kommentators, because this has been on my mind all day and I want answers, dammit.
My best friend got married this past weekend, and I was his Best Man. As Best Men go, I was basically the shit. I threw him an awesome Bachelor Party. I helped out the bride a ton. Helped them move TWICE. And my speech was universally lauded by all in attendance as something probably worthy of inclusion in the Library of Congress, under Best Toast Ever.
Of course, one of the duties of the BM is to crack jokes as the bride is walking down the aisle. I spent a good two or three minutes telling him that he had about twenty seconds to back out, and that if he said so I could have him in Canada in 8 hours, I’d leave him $200, and he could start his new life. He laughed, but said that he was sure about it. Like, 100%, no ifs, ands, or buts.
Now, I haven’t had a girlfriend since I was 18. Not for lack of opportunities, but for whatever reason the women I’ve fallen for and consider relationship material are never interested in me as anything more than a friend, and the women I end up sleeping with aren’t really relationship material. Basically, there’s a big difference between who I’ll sleep with and who I’ll date.
Up until last weekend, it wasn’t an issue. I was content to wait for Ms. Right to show up, and in the meantime continue my bacheloring ways. However, something changed. Watching my best friend, who I’ve known since the sixth grade, get married to the second (and now last) girl he ever slept with, awakened something in me. It was as if watching him get married with front row seats held up a mirror to my own life and went “This is why you feel like something’s missing.”
So, here’s my question. I’m considering closing up shop until I find someone I’m actually interested in having a real relationship with. Someone I find attractive, with a compatible personality and no serious mental defects. I know this sounds like common sense, but it’s basically been the opposite of my M.O. since I was a teenager. I’d like to know what you guys think, because most of the advice people give is spot on. Do I renounce my bachelor ways, and declare myself on a quest for a home in the suburbs with a white picket fence, two kids, and monthly wine and cheese parties, or do I continue having meaningless sex while I wait for Ms. Right to fall into my lap?
@lil wayne chrebet: Great call. I challenge anyone to go to the Kew Motor Inn and NOT have the great fucking sex of your life.
Honestly, I would rather move to another state in the middle of the night than face that wrath (I always pick the crazy ones).
Yeah. They would probably get mad at me just because I have another girlfriend behind their backs. Crazy bitches!
Don’t dump one, dump them both. That way neither has to be dating a complete asshole.
Loved a Liar: Unless your a pathalogical liar, run the hell away. You’ll never know the truth and that can put you in so many binds.
2 GF’s: For now, you have had fantastic luck. I would not chance it any time soon, just dump one and if the other hears about it, just say she is crazy. If you admit it to both, you will lose both.
Threesomeless: Although the idea sounds good, any girl jealous of another can only cause problems. What happens if you scream out the other girls name in bed? If you want to get it to possibly work, I suggest getting your girlfriend really drunk and pray nothing bad happens.
She’s not Persian, is she?
@ Pathological Liar Guy:
Allow me to jump in: Get rid of her, change your locks, move somewhere else, change your phone number, make sure that there is NOTHING connecting the two of you, and no way for her to get back into your life.
Don’t bother telling anyone anything about her. She’ll work hard to make sure they think you’re lying, anyway. If someone asks, tell them the truth. If they don’t want to hear it, distance yourself from them, as well. You may lose some friends in the process. You’re better off without them — Yeah, it sucks to lose friends, but you don’t need this psycho involved in your life in any way, no matter how tangentially.
Pathological liars are sociopaths, and the most amoral humans you will ever encounter. Don’t ever think, “Oh, she would never hurt me,” or “She would never do anything like THAT,” because she would do anything in a New York minute if she thought she could spin it to her advantage. And if she gets mad enough at you, she’ll do everything in her power to ruin your life.
JUST. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.
I won’t bore you anymore, but just trust me on this one, OK? I know whereof I speak.
I’m the guy with the path gf, or more properly patho ex-gf. This all went down last Thursday-Friday (I just missed the mailbag last week) and I kicked her ass out of the place over the weekend.
She tried to lie her way out of it, claimed her friends were lying and I didn’t have my story straight. I just handed her printouts of emails she’d sent to her friends and it got ugly from there. She stormed out, slammed the door and I wish I could say that was that.
As of Tuesday she’s started coming around, texting and calling, telling me how she wants to become a better person and she needs me to help her overcome her self destructive behaviors and this load of shit. She’s blaming the fact she had a rough childhood and telling me how much I mean to her, how she’ll see a shrink and all that. I’ve told her multiple times she needs to get out of my life and stay out, but it always falls on deaf ears.
I’m kind of pissed at myself, normally I’m fairly good at detecting the crazy ones and avoiding them, but I fucked up good this time. On the plus side I have a date with a cute waitress from the local sushi place this weekend, so some things are on the uptick.
LaFavre’s Next Retirement Says:
July 16th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Also with the two ladies, I would break up with the Dave & Buster’s waitress.
Harf, Harf, Harf.
+1
RE what Bentley Madison said: Yeah, this occurred to me, too. Can’t you just buy them online?
RE “I’m a huge Trump, Kiyosaki and Tony Robbins fan”
Enough said.
RE pathological liar: I don’t think these people are “sick”, I just think they are on the extreme end of the lying scale. Most people lie a little to smooth things over, like telling the wife she looks great when she’s gained 40 pounds, or saying, “Oh, sorry, I got a family thing to go to that night” when someone at work that you can’t stand asks if you wanna have drinks later. Pathological liars are control freaks and egomaniacs. They lie to manipulate. It’s not that they can’t help it, they don’t want to stop. They don’t think they should have to. They have a good reason for every lie they tell, in their mind. They can’t be helped, so don’t try. Treat them like nuclear waste. Get far away and stay away.
Haven’t read the Mailbag yet but just wanted to say The O.C. is my favorite show of all time. And Seth should have totally picked Anna over Summer. Women into comic books and Death Cab are gold.
Now on to actually read the Mailbag…
@ Pallazzo. As a fantasy owner that lost multiple games because Turner put up multiple TD games against my squad, “Yes, yes I would rather take Michael fucking Turner.” than just about anyone, maybe even Purple Jesus.
@ Rocco. “Words are bullshit unless you can back them up with showing who you really are”…. guessing he can’t back up 3/4ths of what he says. And I think I know that guy, or at least his double. His wife is pretty cool and gorgeous, but he also gets manicures, won’t talk about having kids, and Facebook photos of him with her are hilarious because he poses in a way that he looks oblivous to her while working on his Magnum look. Kind of Captain Morgan crossed with HCWDB. Oh, and rather than coming home and having a nice dinner with his beautiful wife, he has to come home, lay on their bed for 1/2hr undisturbed to decompress before he’s ready to talk to her.
@ Percy: No offense, thats probably the weirdest email I’ve read in the mailbag. You’re married and spend two weeks home all year, and there’s genuinely an open question about whether you are at risk of not “getting any ass on my trip home” if you don’t take your wife to a football game because you find it awkward to be around both her and one of your friends? Sorry, that’s ridiculous on way too many levels.
Also, who expects to get NFL tickets if they just stand in line when they go on sale? This isn’t 1985 anymore… you realize that within 20 minutes of that window opening up, whoever you send to buy them will have advanced maybe 5 places in line, and 100% of the available seats will have been sold on the internet or to scalpers who paid people to wait in line for them. Your home for one game a year, you planned your whole trip around it, just go on stubhub and pay the extra $50 to make sure you have tickets.
you know guys, there are a lot of married females (read: bitches) out there that want to sleep around JUST TO SEE THE DRAMA IT CAUSES.
as someone who’s wife likes it when i get in fights, which is sort of cool in its own way, i have seen this crazy first hand. and some crazy you don’t want to mess with.
Ufford, for the record, Gates never played football at Kent State. I went to a MAC school so I know what’s up. I’m just saying, do you really trust Michael fucking Turner as your #2 overall pick? I would much rather pick 10-12 and stock up on some sick players as opposed to hoping that Matt Forte is the real deal or that MoJo can do it all by himself.
I don’t understand the hard-on for “road head.” “Head,” sure. But while you’re driving? That’s fucking stupid. Yeah, yeah, it’s dangerous so it’s a turn-on and whatnot. Retarded…
RE “I have 2 girlfriends” – Um, my advice is to stop having 2 girlfriends (or, really, any girlfriends, since you sound like kind of a dick). Mo bitches, mo problems. It’s really not that hard to figure out.
RE tickets guy: you know, if your wife was smart, she’d score major cool points and major guilt points (for when she needs you to do her an inconvenient solid) by getting the tickets anyway and telling you to go with a friend without her, relax, she understands that sometimes guys need just guy friend time, etc. She probably won’t, though. Sorry, I have no advice. You’ve kinda created a no-win situation here.
@ Lying girlfriend guy: Run. Trust me on this one. That girl needs help, and nothing anyone says or does will make her see that. And as much as you may care about her, or feel bad for her, it doesn’t matter. Nothing will change the fact that she is deceitful and manipulative. Get out before you end up married and then heartbroken.
“Guess I can see how much you care about being with me”
That is the absolute worst, man, I’m sorry.
How about this honey, I just crossed the fucking ocean. Back in the day that shit would have taken WEEKS!
@Rocco: on the one hand, those are solid sentiments to try to live by.
On the other, the stink of self-centered egomaniacal douchebag reeks throughout every word.
Genghis Khan was all about ACTION too. Julius Caesar was all about ACTION — and he played hard with little boys too.
What’s wrong with hanging out with the rejects and the losers, sipping cold beer and letting the world get on without you?
It figures that the 2-girlfriend buttmunch is a Bucs fan.
/shakes head and walks out
Ok, I’m sorry, but I felt it necessary to share this little blurb I came across, and I couldn’t stomach going back to the Arthur Kade post. This “guy” is a friend of a girl I know, and writes the following:
“I have a huge passion for serving my clients, the entire business world, investing, and the real estate arena. I have a work hard and play hard mentality. I don’t have time to mess around when it comes to business, you’re either in or you’re out. And thats who I keep on my team- those that know who they are, what they want, and can spot a good deal and a hidden opportunity. I don’t use the words ‘I can’t', it only hinders your capabilities and allows you to make excuses. I’m all about ACTION. Words are bullshit unless you can back them up with showing who you really are and following through on what you say. I’m a huge Trump, Kiyosaki and Tony Robbins fan, and I’m constantly seeking out more experienced people to grow and learn from. I’m definitely ahead of my age group and I like it that way. I am looking for good hearted, easy going, driven and self-motivated people to add to my circle of friends and business associates. When I’m not flying around the country or closing deals with my bluetooth stuck to my head, you can find me at the nicest martini bars in the hottest cities with the most beautiful people in the world. Enough said. I enjoy the high life and I always will. Living my life to the fullest and constantly staying curious and spontaneous.”
Also with the two ladies, I would break up with the Dave & Buster’s waitress.
Harf, Harf, Harf.
Wow…as somebody who routinely runs the multiple serious relationship offense (it’s basically the ‘run n’ shoot’ of dating strategies) i have to say i appreciate that question. look people…love isn’t zero sum. i am capable of loving different people equally, just in different ways, and just because i love one person in some way doesn’t mean i love somebody else ‘less’.
just make sure this doesn’t blow up…buy some space, slowly break one off, then stash them away if you want to pick up getting more serious later. try to play fair, don’t hurt any feelings.
@Breakin’ Vows and Breakin’ Hearts: Don’t. Do. It.
@Bitter Buc: Sorry about your living situation dude, but there have got to be ways for you to still get some without resorting back to HS days, unless you peaked during HS and it’s been all downhill for you since. Anyway, change the locks
on your room door and bring a chick home.
@Cheater: so you now have some sort of psychosomatic illness or an actual ulcer because you suck at lying and the stress of nearly getting caught a bunch of times has caught up with you? Hmmm on one hand you could continue cheating and possibly die from stress and on the other hand, you could dump one, get the stress levels down and be alive and healthy. Don’t know which one you should choose…
@Pathological: DUMP THAT BITCH NOW. Trust me, it will get worse. And don’t worry about telling her parents, just get her the fuck out of your house and change the locks ASAP. Get one of these just in case she tries to pull a McNair or Gatti on you.
@Percy: That is a dick move by your wife, but she only gets to see you for two weeks out of the year. So I guess she has a case, but football is supreme and she needs to recognize…or you need to get your friend tickets for waiting in line for you. Sorry.
Bucs fan: I heard that the Bucs couldn’t afford a big name coach like Cowher or Shanahan since they still have to pay Gruden and Bruce Allen (in a shitty economy no less… that’s why the Bucs aren’t doing training camp at Disney this year). With Raheem you get a bargain coach who could develop into the next Mike Tomlin. Because he’s black, you see.
Also with the two ladies, I would break up with the Dave & Buster’s waitress.
@ Breakin’ Vows and Breakin’ Hearts
Defenses……go find out who Football Outsiders like for defenses. Without fail they’ll have a couple of teams available in the last rounds of your draft near the top of their rankings.
I never got road head. Actually turned it down. I am positive that it would end up with me arguing with my insurance company about my collision deductible. I don’t focus too good.
“they do not feel remorse or shame when caught”
If that’s the case a lot of us here would be considered pathological masturbaters.
You cannot fix a pathological liar. Part of what makes them pathological (i.e. it’s caused by an underlying “disease” or flaw in the liar’s mental makeup as opposed to a response to stimuli around them) is that they do not feel remorse or shame when caught lying. Exposing this girl to her parents will cause family problems that won’t actually help her, despite your best intentions. Do you really think it’s possible that they raised this girl and don’t know she’s a pathological liar?
Roomed with one of the above in college, by the way; it was coupled with a bitchin’ case of kleptomania necessitating that I sift through her things regularly to retrieve my own belongings. I’d say you got off easy, as this particular girl tried to get me kicked out of school by feeding unbelievably slanderous untruths about me to a dean when I expressed concerns over living with her. This led to me moving in with my boyfriend at the time, which was an even bigger disaster. Yay!
Also, I think the point in the last email was that it’s awkward to ask a friend to buy tickets for two of you. “Hey, my wife and I want to go to a football game! How about being a sport?” That’s definitely an annoying request. I don’t like this woman much.
Also I love the O.C. reference LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.
I loathe each and every one of you motherfuckers in FF leagues of 10, or even 8 teams, who dare to complain, or ask such retarded questions such as when to draft a defense in a league of 8 teams. What a fucking brain dead douche bag.
I hope your kids win last place in the Gay Olympics. FUCK.
“hey mom and dad, I’m an adult, sometimes I bring girls home.” Your parents are not idiots.
And some chicks do enjoy the idea of doing something in your childhood bed.
There’s ways around it…
-I used to move back into my parents house in the summer during school. I did it for 5 years. If you have cool buddies bring chicks over to their places or just say “hey mom and dad, I’m an adult, sometimes I bring girls home.” Your parents are not idiots.